Tag Archives: Anna Wintour

MET GALA 2013: punc as phuc

Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala.  The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there).  The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion.  If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is?  Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction.  I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win.  Is she fucking with us?  I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform.  Nude illusion, really girl?  Pink shiny too short long sleeves?  What?  A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink?  Incomprehensible.  How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year?  So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci.  I’m not sure we can blame him.  All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot.  Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe.  The gloves are totally freaking me out.  Hand camo.  Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style.  I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown.  I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right?  Do we like Annie as a blonde?  I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan.  I do love the orange lip and fishnets.   Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment.  In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously.  She smacks of try.  The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior.  Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP?  Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie.  The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair.  Punk Glam Granny?Opa!  Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen.  What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart.  Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately.  She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung.  She’s our modern day Audrey.  Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked.  Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately.  Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume.  For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up.  You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte.  Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem.  The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else.  Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala?  Sheesh.  Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch?  Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga.  Die for the safety pin.  It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be.  Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors.  The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen!  Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age.  Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.  

Calm down Gisele.  (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).

3 things you should never say when someone dies

I’ve experienced significant loss and am close to others who have experienced major loss, and I still stutter for the right words to speak amidst a tragedy.  When searching for the right words to say, remember these are not them…

What are you going to do now?

I’m going to grieve, bitch.

At least her suffering is over.  

But my suffering has only begun.

What can I do to help?

I know this is the most obvious and seemingly kind offering in a crisis, but the truly helpful don’t ask, they just do.  Not all of us operate on that level of selflessness (myself included), but remember if you do offer help be prepared for the person to take you up on it.  If they do, YOU MUST FOLLOW THROUGH.

 

January 2013 Horoscopes

Capricorn

Happy Birthday Capricorn!  After reveling in the soft fragrances of home and the nostalgia of bygone days, it’s time to get back to what you do best – work.  Even though Capricorn is prone to procrastination due to perfectionist tendencies, above all you favor efficient execution.  Properly completing tasks becomes your dull passion the first part of the year.  Passionate for you, dull for everybody else.  Where is the fun for you Capricorn?  Can you balance your thirst for accomplishment against the need for leisure and contemplation?  Because when you relax the most officious part of your personality, you are a real crowd pleaser.  For the New Year ditch all the dreadful unworn garments in your closet and craft a fresh look from the winter sales.  Trust, a physical transformation will have unpredictable positive ripple effects.

 Aquarius

Hey Aquarius, you’ve made some rookie mistakes in the romance department lately.  It is fun to fall head over heals and totally submerge in another person, but that fragile nascent butterfly feeling doesn’t last long, so don’t go squandering it all in a greedy weekend.  Professionally, things quiet over the next six weeks, which gives you plenty of time to stew in your personal life which in some ways you perceive as a failure.  Waste no time in self-flagellation.  Focus that powerful Aquarian energy on more productive pursuits.  Consider a last minute trip to shift your perspective.  You might be surprised who you meet on the journey.

 Pisces

Pisces negotiated a demanding December with style and has a well-deserved run of steady professional recognition and personal growth to show for it.  You’ve managed to swim along with the current of luck, but that’s about to change in the first few months of the New Year.  First and foremost, spend extra time and energy caring for yourself by sleeping.  Next, for a couple months cut back on extraneous activities involving crowds.  You will have to say no to some things and should not feel guilty for doing so.  Finally, keep your space extra clean.  Heed this warning; if you catch the flu it will take your ass down like a bitchy girl at Midtown and you won’t feel right until winter’s end.  Pisces can’t afford a sick day right now.

Aries

Aries pop off loud and quick and then it’s over, but for others left in the wake of your simmering temper the experience can make a more lasting impression.  There is nothing wrong with expressing dissatisfaction, but soften the delivery.  If it isn’t major, suck it up.  The New Year presents opportunity for character-building, which is really just a euphemistic way of saying that trouble’s coming.  What you make of that trouble will define your direction for 2013.  What you lack in self-control you make up for in style.  Aries possess a certain undeniable flare that sets off jealousy in an adversary.  When you feel the withering stare of criticism challenge it by shining brighter.

Taurus

Your theme song this month is What Have You Done For Me Lately by Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.  Unlike most folks, you strive to treat people well, to honor your commitments, and to live with integrity.  When others don’t meet you where you are, you get disappointed.  Lower your expectations and insulate yourself from disappointment by protecting your interests.  Not everyone is worthy of your full attention.  With the New Year comes an itch to get organized.  Some Bulls begin 2013 with a fresh set of responsibilities.  Creating order will make the added burdens feels less heavy.

 Gemini

Happy New Year Gemini!  2013 has much in store for you.  Are you ready?  Travel, adventure, fun and romance await; get all your mundane responsibilities in order so you can really enjoy the unexpected experiences coming your way.  Very generous with time and resources, Gemini at times feels put out and overstretched.  Remember you don’t have to do everything for everybody all the time.  Watch your back; there is a schemer trying to get at what you hold most dear.  Gemini loves a free lunch – too bad you still haven’t figured out there is no such thing.  Protect your identity and financial information.  If an offer seems too good to be true, it is.

 Cancer

Cancer has experienced a series of extreme up and downs lately.  One day it’s promotions and pay raises and the next you are moving your stuff out of the Extended Stay America. You’ve done well navigating the peaks and valleys by smartly chugging away in low gear.  Circumstances beyond your control have made it difficult to plan your life past a three month time frame, but it is still important to set an intention for the upcoming year.  This focal point will provide a guide for charting the very confusing course ahead.  Cut down on eating comforting but nutritionally devoid crap.

Leo

Even though you are very charming and likable Leo, it won’t excuse bad manners or inconsiderate behavior.  Some times it isn’t about you, so suck it up and take one for the team.  Even under meager circumstances, you bring a certain charisma that adds sparkle to the dull.  Work demands increase in the coming weeks.  Careful not to get unnecessarily run down trying to impress your superiors; they are caught up in their own dramas and won’t notice.  Keep your head down and reserve your energy for when it really counts.  Plan a romantic gesture for someone deserving.  Use that Leo creativity and make an extra special effort.  The gesture will pay triple dividends.

 Virgo

You’ve undergone a fragile period lately little dove and the first three months of the year should provide some relief from the uncertainty.  At times your programmed responses come off as dismissive defense mechanisms.  What truth are you shielding by hitting auto-pilot?  Over the past several months Virgos have taken personal responsibility for their health and fitness.  The commitment has paid off with better sleep, improved fitness, and a stronger body.  Well done!  Achieving meaningful results in a world full of quitters is a major accomplishment indeed.  Eat wholly, healthfully, and simply to see even greater improvement.

 Libra

Sloppy housekeeping has left you embarrassed more than once in the last few months Libra.  Time to clean up the mess.  Start in one corner and make your way all the way around tossing trash, dusting, sweeping, and moping the floors.  Delete old contacts and head into the New Year with only the essential circle.  Libra should watch becoming overly involved in his or her significant other as you are ripe for codependency.  Keep a full life and separate friendships.  Not every activity has to be a couple moment.  Forcing the chemistry gets tiring for all involved.

 Scorpio

Scorpio likes to surprise others with unexpected gestures of generosity and your kindness over the holidays sent positive ripples far and wide.  You may not feel the goodness immediately in January, but it will come back around in the most surprising and unexpected ways early this year.  You have the capacity to deeply connect with others, but less evolved Scorpios usually squander this gift in one of two ways.  Some give of themselves too freely and then feel deep disappointment when the intensity of their affection isn’t reciprocated.  Others tighten their trusted social circle to such extremes they become reclusive and closed off.  Find a place for acquaintances; not everyone has to be your very best friend.

Sagittarius

January has so many exciting and anxiety-inducing moments for you Sag.  While you will try your damnedest to maintain a façade of perfection, there will be missteps, so take them in stride.  Approach new challenges with a beginner’s spirit.  After a few months of fun, friends, and family, now is the time to laser in on more serious pursuits.  May your look match your mission.  Evolve your winter look and tighten up the silhouette with exquisitely tailored classics.  Sags feel most confident when they look their absolute best.

Ambassador Wintour?

What began as conspiratorial whispers has become semi-confirmed speculation that Anna Wintour will get her U.S. Ambassadorship.  I’m sopping this rumor up like gravy on a biscuit.  Forget The Devil Wears Prada, Jerry Oppenheimer’s Front Row: Anna Wintour: What Lies Beneath the Chic Exterior of Vogue’s Editor in Chief is the Anna Wintour biography.  If you have read this book, then Wintour’s hunger for this high-profile political appointment won’t come as any surprise to you whatsoever.  Bitch is hongray for prestige.    No doubt Anna hustled for Obama this year.  Wintour uncharacteristically humbled herself and curried favor with the President.  She used her contacts and power to fill a room with generous political contributors.  Anna allegedly tormented the shit out Sarah Jessica Parker until that $40,000 a plate fundraiser met her uncompromising standards. Why is this appointment so potentially exciting?  It means someone will replace Anna at Vogue!  Here’s hoping the new editor-in-chief can resuscitate a pulse to the lifeless, heartless, humorless, out-of-touch mag.  Please Obama, send her to The U.K., or better yet – France.  You owe us this one.

MET GALA 2012: impossible conversations about inexplicable selections

As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC.  The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute.  Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better.  Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock.  Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose.  Who the fuck stands like that in real life?  The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural.  Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity.  By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners.  Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times.  I hate almost every single thing about this dress.  It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number.  It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous.  Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn.  Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve.  No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role.  Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery.  The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me.  Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice.  She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her.  The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event.  Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob.  Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses?  If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body.  Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what?  Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron DiazStella McCartney provided the matronly gown.  Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency.  J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment.  The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom.  Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married?  I dislike them each individually more when they are together.  Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet.  We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself  if she were locked in a Chanel store.  When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low.  Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them.  Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career.  Dunst looks pissed.  I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year.  I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo!  I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall.  At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it.  However, you are not Lady Gaga.  This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp.  That’s called swagger bitches.  Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior.  Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully.  J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford.  Snooze. Scarjo no!  This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala.  I need more modernity from you Scarlett!  You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma!  Bad, bad Grandma!  We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid.  Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met GalaJessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh.  Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom  stuck to boring black this year.  Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?

Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?

2012 SAG Awards: saggy nutsackery

No single attendee of the the 2012 SAG Awards snatched “best dressed” by a landslide; rather this red carpet showed subtle improvements – like Tilda Swinton in Lanvin, and not so subtle disappointments like a gawd-awful green Emily Blunt in Oscar de la RentaMany will point to Lea Michele in Versace as best dressed.  Does she look good?  Yes.  Would I be disgusted with myself to name her best dressed?  Yes.  I’m just not personally feeling this silhouette right now.  Even though certain designers are pushing this awkward tea length it’s so hard to wear, as proven by Emma Stone in Alexander McQueen. Michelle Williams wore Valentino.  From the waist up, it is magnificent.  The shoes and bracelet aren’t right.  I’m torn on the subtle asymmetrical hem.  She werks the Mia Farrow better than anyone, no?Jessica Chastain let Calvin Klein sculpt her bosom to delightful results.  One of the best of the night.  What the fuck Kristen Wiig?  Explain this deranged necklace choice.  Shame on you for ruining a Balanciaga with a bad choker. Shall we discuss the couples?  Pitt wore Balenciaga and Jolie wore a Jenny Packham gown reminiscent of a Hefty bag.  Clooney wore Armani and Keibler wore a boring black lace Marchesa.  Is the dress boring or is she?  Both?Me likey Melissa McCarthy’s drapey Badgley Mischka and Natalie Portman in Giambattista Valli too. Glenn Close went big in Zac PosenDiane Lane wasted her incredible body in David Meister. Vergara and Bowen in Marchesa and Temperely London respectively.  I’m not moved by either.Weird whites: Rose Byrne taking a risk in a jumpsuit, (p.s. Is she filming the Anna Wintour biopic with that new hair?)…Zoe Saldana wore Givenchy and it didn’t photograph well.  Viola Davis brought the twins to the party in Marchesa. Let’s end on a high note with Kyra in Pucci, though let this serve as a cautionary tale against tattoos.  The ink on the rib cheapens the look.

MET GALA 2011: LONG LIVE MCQUEEN

Michelle Williams put a bird on it. Daphne Guinness and SJP in McQueen.

A disastrous Blake and shimmery Anna in Chanel (psst, saw it here first Feb 3rd).  Newd hued for the youngsters.This is not the couples portion of the pageant B. Madonna and that other GuyMarc Jacobs and Robert Duffy send a nod of the knee to McQueen’s heritage.  Tux on top, tartan down low.The ChristinasRicci>HendricksKristen Stewart sliced through the party in Proenza Schouler.Paltrow repped Stella McCartney.More beige-y neutrality from Zellweger and Hayek (also in McQueen), but Salma’s just-fucked hair was the best of the night. JLO served severity and overkill.  Bleeding Armadillo. An unexceptional showing from the supermodels: Gisele, Naomi, Carolyn, and Miranda. Hey Kayne.

Happy Birthday Anna

Sunday with Tom Ford