Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala. The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there). The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion. If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is? 
Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction. I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win. Is she fucking with us? I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform. Nude illusion, really girl? Pink shiny too short long sleeves? What? A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink? Incomprehensible. How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?
Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year? So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci. I’m not sure we can blame him. All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot. Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe. The gloves are totally freaking me out. Hand camo. 
Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style. I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. 
After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown. I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! 
In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right? Do we like Annie as a blonde? I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. 
Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan. I do love the orange lip and fishnets. 
Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment. In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. 
I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously. She smacks of try. The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.
Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior. Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.
Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP? Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. 
Topshop dressed Nicole Richie. The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair. Punk Glam Granny?
Opa! Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.
Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen. What did she do to her face?
Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart. Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?
I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately. She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.
Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung. She’s our modern day Audrey. 
Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked. Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately. Applause. 
Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.
Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume. For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up. You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). 
Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte. Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. 
Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem. The makeup is the best ever for her. 
Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else. Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala? Sheesh. Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch? 
Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga. Die for the safety pin. It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be. Fucking chic.
Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors. The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen! Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. 
May we all be this ravishing at her age. Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper. 
Calm down Gisele. (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).
I commence this year’s Oscar fashion criticism frenzy with Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture because this is the dress I stared at longest and ultimately found most controversially interesting among a thicket of bland and boring looks. 
Was Charlize exquisite in Dior Haute Couture? I guess. Is it memorable? No. Am I bored? Very. Is she serving a little Sharon Stone with that hair and smirk? Yes. 
Aniston possesses a rare talent for making Valentino look like the Macy’s Prom Collection. Stand up straight bitch. 
This tin-tittied mess is Anne Hathaway in Prada. Nobody noticed the diamonds, that’s for sure. 
When I see Halle Berry in this Versace, I want to pronounce it Versayce. 
I despise everything about Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen: the bridesmaid hair, the pageant pose, and the washed out non-color of the firefly patterned gown. 
Jessica Chastain has truly never looked better in impeccably-tailored spiderweb Armani. 
I don’t love Melissa McCarthy in this ill-fitting David Meister, but I will always love Melissa McCarthy. 
Jennifer Lawrence lacks a style identity. I suspect Dior hands her a dress and she obediently wears it. 
One of the best dressed of the evening, Octavia Spencer looks fantastic in this soft pink Tadashi Shoji.
A wrinkled mess, Kerry Washington served some sorbet Miu Miu. It’s too long, no?
I don’t get dead-eyed Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra. I know she makes some bitches swoon, but to me she is not everything. Can she close her mouth? What’s up with her constant open mouth? It’s creepy.
This Louis Vuitton just doesn’t fit Reese Witherspoon, and the fabric isn’t modern. 
Nicole Kidman wore L’Wren Scott and I think we can agree it was a decent choice for her. It’s a little fussy for my personal taste, but she wears it well and looks luminous. 
Let’s finish with the couples: Naomi Watts wore Armani Privé. Armani far and away fit the best dresses of the night. Ben & Jen, she in Gucci, but it doesn’t matter what she wears because nothing pops on this girl. 
Jane Krakowski wore KauffmanFranco – best color, unforgivable tailoring.
The Jenny Packham girls, the better version above on Jenna Fischer and the lesser below on Kelly Osbourne. 
Claire had nowhere to go but down after her last showing, but the aging makeup and side boob vadge action aren’t working in this Givenchy. 
Giuliana is showing positive progress on probation after her last fashion felony in this far less offensive Max Azria.
What do we think of these two? Jennifer Westfeldt looks better than usual if a tad boobish in Blumarine.
Look at our little Kiernan Shipka all grown up in this Oscar de la Renta.
…Salma Hayek in Gucci for the Best Bluish Black. She has a certain carefree sparkle only a billion dollars can buy. 
…Nicole Richie in Naeem Khan for best Palm Beach Housewife. Is this bitch 74? G-jus. 
…Amanda Seyfried in Givenchy for most Unseasonably Springy. I should hate this doily shit, but I don’t. 
…Claire Danes in red Versace for best Post Baby Body Bounce-Back. Doesn’t she look 10 years younger with those 15 extra pounds?
…Connie Britton wins Most Consistent in KaufmanFranco.
…Jessica Alba for most Irrelevantly Gorgeous. Penalty for skinning a defenseless Muppet for that embarrassing bag. 
…Amy Adams in Marchesa wins the prize for Most Likely to be Accidentally Confused with Taylor Swift.
…Halle Berry for Misdemeanor Midriff Exposure in Versace. 
…Sally Field for worst Granny Globes, gown by Alberta Ferretti.
…Kerry Washington for Most Overrated in Miu Miu.
…Anne Hathaway for Most Boring Chanel.
…Zosia Mamet for Best of the Girls.
…Lena Dunham for snatching Helen Mirren’s Zac Posen gown.
…Allison Williams for Most Forgettable Girl.
…Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein Slightly Wrong from Head to Toe.
…Jennifer Lawrence for failure to learn from Jessica Biel’s Weird Dior-titty Mistake. 
…Lucy Liu for Most Incongruent in Carolina Herrera. What is this floral fuckmess?
…Hayden Panettiere wins Most Repetitious in Roberto Cavalli. 
…Jennifer Lopez for Most in Need of a Divorce from Zuhair Murad.
…Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta for Most Misguided Personal Style.
…Naomi Watts for Best Zac Posen.
…Nicole Kidman for Most Improved Hair. This is a chicer length for her. 
…Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton for the Worst 3-Way Split.
…Giuliana Rancic in Celia Kritharioti for Most Felonious Showing by an Officer of the Fashion Police.
I apologize. I watched the last two episodes several times and tried to muster any enthusiasm for this trite, tired-ass show, but I just can’t care.
Don’t give a fuck about the self-created moving drama. The world might literally end if Rachel and Rodger have to spend an extra night in the lap of luxury at the Montage. Boofuckinghoo. 
Don’t give a fuck about what Anne Hathaway wore 8 months ago at the dullest Oscars ever. 
Everything else is pretty much Zoe pimping Zoe. 
Extra don’t give a fuck about watching femmy Rodger and his cheesy friends toast to a “masculine” child. If you want a masculine child, don’t name him “Skyler.”
Whereas in previous seasons Joey was sprinkled into episodes like a rare Lebanese spice, now the annoying fame-whore sucks the energy out of every scene. He’s making me hate him. Zoe’s whole limp dick team this season is so boring, whiny, and kiss-ass.
Zoe is obviously exercising her EP muscle and editing out all the real drama because there have to be legit reasons why she can’t seem to keep a stylist for any length of time. For most staffers, there is an awfully short shelf life at Team Zoe. Nobody seems to leave on good terms, though the details of the departures are always nebulous.
Mostly, I’m just super uninspired by her right now. I’m over her derivative style and shallow, needy banter with her hired gay. She’s obviously exhausted this season, and she’s worn me out too.
Also Calvin Klein-clad was Gwyneth Paltrow. Many went crazy for this look, but the severe middle parted hair with the long narrow plunging neck evoked butt crack. GOOP wins for most over-rated, and that doesn’t just apply to her fashion choices.
Two old ladies in Dior Couture: Nicole Kidman and Sharon Stone. Sharon served a little high-end Cruella DeVille with a good dress and bad hair. 
Marchesa’s minions, Halle and Hailee. This gown’s a little too young and try-hard on Halle. Hailee finally succumbed to the princess pressure after several chic and tailored moments this awards season. This awkward length doesn’t flatter her. 
Celine Dion and Reese Witherspoon werked Armani Privé, two of the strongest looks of the night. Anyone else suspicious why Reese looked a little too proud of herself all night. 
We all knew the Rodarte was coming. Portman loves Kate and Laura Mulleavy. After all the built-up expectation, this plum number was just okay. Some of that train should have been repurposed to fill out the front hemline. Also repping purple, Scarjo in Dolce & Gabbana taking the baton from Michelle Williams to finish the defiantly unattractive relay. 
Mila chose lilac Elie Saab and looked absolutely fantastic. She managed to balance sweet and sexy – arguably the best, except for that awful makeup.
Another best dressed contender, the always impeccable and fashion-forward Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Couture. 
Hilary Swank also ventured into slightly new territory in Gucci. Swank’s softly sculpted eye makeup was undoubtedly some of the best cosmetic artistry of the night. Michelle Williams gave good glam with stunningly perfect hair and makeup. 
Three ladies arrived in gowns previously featured on Demeter Clarc: Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott, Giuliana Rancic in Christian Siriano, and Mandy Moore in Monique L’huillier. Remember, you saw it here first.
Penelope, Jennifer Hudson (Versace), Anne Hathaway (archival Valentino), and Sandra Bullock (Vera Wang) opted for a range of carmine hues. The rosebuds were neither particularly interesting nor especially fug. These four surfed the crimson sea of mediocrity.
Worst without needed elaboration: Marisa Tomei in vintage Charles James and Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer. 
Calvin Klein Collection provided intense color and clean lines resulting in two of the most refreshing looks of the evening – Emma Stone and Claire Danes. 
The two biggest disappointments were Jennifer Lawrence in Louis Vuitton and Scarlett Johansson in Elie Saab. These were not the most offensive gowns of the evening, but neither selection does its wearer justice. Since this was one of Scarjo’s first appearances post-divorce announcement, her failure to turn it out is really inexcusable. 
More than ever, these mega-gowns feel really antiquated. Catherine Zeta-Jones goes to prom in Monique L’huillier…
Eva Longoria looks like she’s dragging her grief behind her in this Zac Posen. 
Who invited Hewitt?
Awkward and abysmal asymmetry abounded; unfortch, no one executed this look correctly.
Julianne Moore tried her best to work a Lanvin dress that was in desperate need of a good steam. Nicole Kidman bored us in Prada.
Granny gown girls: Leighton Meester misfired again in Burberry and Michelle Williams continues her defiantly unappealing streak in Valentino. 
The two most overrated? Sophia Vergara in Vera loves-a-sash Wang and Angelina Jolie in Versace. Hey Angie, Joan Collins called and demanded you return her gown. 
The most stylish and appropriately dressed youngin’ was Hailee Steinfeld in Prabal Gurung. Sarah Hyland could have used some guidance away from this fug Max Azria. 
Many folks will criticize Natalie Portman’s Viktor & Rolf gown, but who can be mad at this feminine display of whimsy? Olivia Wilde deviated from the crowd with this full-skirted, sparkly, starry night Marchesa gown. 
The Glee girls gave good gownage. 
While Team Zoe prepared for a shoot for Love magazine, Brad and Jordan kvetched about the tireless devotion Rachel requires. Apparently, Tayloritis is contagious.
The shoot featured a Bardot-inspired Ginta Lapina, a breath of fashion fresh air and one of the baddest bitches on the scene. Between Ginta Lapina and Jessica Stam (featured last season on the RZP at the V shoot), it is Team Ginta all the way. For the record editors, we are all nauseous with Stam oversaturation.
Brad and Jordan talked shit in the makeshift wardrobe room. While Rachel lugged furs around the shoot, complaining about her ineffectual staff.
After the shoot, it was all about prepping for the Met Ball, perhaps the single most mayjah night for fashion folks. Typically, designers select a few starlets to wear their gowns and accompany them as part of their entourage. For some inexplicable reason, Marc Jacobs invited Rachel to join his group. Rachel also took credit for dressing Demi, Eva, Kate, and Anne. More likely, designers sent a few choices to each of these actresses, and Zoe may have edited those options and accessorized the final look.
At her fitting, Anne thanked Rachel and Brad for influencing her to embrace her inner fashion icon. I’ll (begrudgingly) give credit where credit is due, and Zoe has been responsible for some of Hathaway’s most memorable moments on the red carpet.
Zoe on Hathaway, “She’s like über-intellectual, and I’m über-not.”
Later, the time came for Rachel to craft her own look for the Ball. First, Rachel drowned in a gigantic Marc Jacobs. After determining the dress failed to flatter her “70′s disco titty,” it was eliminated. Next Rachel donned a strange, velvet, mustard, drapey, vintage gown that highlighted her bony sternum.
Too bad she traded in the sliver geometric clutch for a tan day bag that downgraded the entire look. While I appreciate Rachel’s yin for unexpected whimsy, this frock was Met Gala unworthy. At an event of this magnitude, timeless glamour must trump quirk when finalizing a gown choice. Admit it; this aberration treads uncomfortably close to shmatta territory.
Back in L.A., Rodger decided to attend Rachel’s lady doc appointment to discuss the possibility of having a child. The very awkward and staged appointment ended with Rachel and Rodger fighting over Rachel getting a blood test that day. Rachel refused, Rodger insisted, and the gyno nodded uncomfortably.
Back at home, Rachel and Rodger continued to go round and round. Rodger emphasized that biologically, time keeps ticking. Career-obsessed Rachel informed him that nothing, including a baby, would curtail her megalomaniacal styling ambitions.
Acknowledging that a refusal to spawn will cause “major marital problems,” Rachel swallowed her reproductive ambivalence and concluded, “We are meant to be parents and I wanna do it, not totally sure how yet, but we’re gonna be. Period. The end.”