Tag Archives: annoying

Fucking Flake / Uber Dick

BETTER PEOPLERecently, I worked with two people who possess selfish and annoying qualities.  The first one is a flake.  She wants to have meetings all the time.  In this group, it takes 15 back and forth emails to schedule a mutually-convenient time and place for everyone. Then she routinely cancels citing some dire (but in actuality not at all emergent) need to be with her kids.  She was almost an hour late to one of the three most important days of her job.  The reason?  She was so tired she just “crashed” the night before and then realized she had no gas on the way to work.  In my universe, neither are reasonable justifications for such serious lateness.  Her conduct is irresponsible, unprofessional, and annoying.   I don’t give a fuck about your kid’s pageant or any of that familial bullshit.  Spare me those sort of personal details in your excuse.  The reason you are bailing on a scheduled meeting has no bearing on the outcome of that decision – namely that now we all need to go through the tedious rescheduling process because of you – a meeting you insisted on in the first place. FLAKE

The other one is a new breed: an Uber Dick.  An Uber Dick is a person who wants to schedule all activities in close proximity to himself because he sold his car and now depends solely on Uber for transportation.  Don’t shift the burden of your transportation on to me, buddy.   This is the same dick who brags about the economy of going Uber.  Yeah Uber Dick, it’s a real money-saving strategy to use your Uber account to manipulate everyone into driving to you.UBER HATE

clarisonshit

PEDISONICFuck Clarisonic.  Seriously, I’m so pissed.  I bought that stupid Pedi Sonic device for $200 and the motor died in less than three months.  Janky ass piece of crap.  I’m over ClarisonicClarisonic can eat a dick as far as I’m concerned.CLARISONIC PEDI BRUSH

Not all negative Nancy, I will take this moment to praise Ulta Beauty, a company not exactly world-renowned for their customer service.  When I rolled in with my receipt and the pricey device, I didn’t know how they would try and play me.  At first, there was talk of store credit.  I kept quiet and after some manager headset chatter, I walked away with a full refund.  I didn’t even have to ask.  They knew.  Deep down they knew that Clarisonic did me dirty.  Thanks for making it right without giving me a bushel of grief Ulta.

KENDALL JENNER ULTA

lOVE/hATE

BRING IT! TOE TOUCHLove ♥ Bring It!  The Lifetime show features a Mississippi dance team called the Dancing Dolls (and their belligerent parents) getting buck in weekly stand battles. DD4L!BRING IT! HEEL TOUCHHate ≈ Bitter, hateful texts from my Ex.  Really?  It’s been over a year, so I was hoping we were well past the intentionally mean break-up phase.MEANLove ♥ Kirkland Sparkling Flavored Water.  In my quest for a zero calorie natural Diet Coke replacement, I stumbled upon this awesome beverage.  This stuff is magical.  I don’t understand how it’s calorie free, artificial sweetener-free, and still bursts with flavor.  Not only that, it’s fortified with Vitamin D, Niacin, B6, B12, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid, and Green Tea Extract.  I’m suspicious because it is seemingly so guilt-free.  By the way, I haven’t had a single Diet Coke since I quit.  Not one.KIRKLAND SPARKLING FLAVORED WATERHate ≈ My Dumbass Bank.  I spent the week untangling a mess at my financial institution because they are too stupid to understand onion routing, and I was too dumb to know not to use to Tor for online banking.  Let this annoying hassle be a cautionary tale.  Bitcoin is the only currency your Tor should ever see. ONION HEADS

 

I don’t want to pet your dog

EVA MENDES DOGIt’s that time of year again, the weather is warm and all the dog owners have their canines on parade.  Other than shitting everywhere and the occasional mauling, I have no real problem with dogs.  Their owners, well that’s another story.  I have a friend who compulsively pets every dog she sees.  Hiking with this girl can take an extra minute depending on how many dogs we encounter.  I understand dog people meet each other this way, but I don’t want to pet your dog.  When I don’t bend down to gush, owners look at me like I’m calling their firstborn child retarded.  Today, this girl had her puppy leashed to the fence during lunch – obviously baiting us with puppy cuteness.  She acted annoyed when people “interrupted” her to fuss over her adorable babydog.  You’re the one rolling one puppy deep on a sunny Saturday you attention-seeking bitch.  Eyeroll.     RIHANNA OLIVERBack in college, I had this dumbass friend Marisha who was wandering around the city one hot summer day.  A dog was locked inside a car with the windows cracked.  Well-meaning Marisha, concerned for the pup, administered water from her plastic water bottle through the window crack.  During the attempted hydrating, the ungrateful twatdog bit her hand.  Moral of the story: other people’s dogs aren’t for you.

DOG IN CARAnd pick up your pooch poo.PICK UP POO

Most Annoying

LAUREN CONRADIt is most annoying when I am making plans with a friend and she frames the agenda around her boyfriend’s needs.  “My boyfriend wants to stay here.” or “I can’t.  My boyfriend’s work schedule changed.”  I get partnership, responsibility sharing and whatnot, but I don’t give a fuck about your boyfriend’s preferences.  I’m friends with you and not your boyfriend.  Chances are I’ve known you longer than you’ve known your boyfriend.  I was here before your boyfriend.  I will be here long after your boyfriend is gone.  Please remember that truth when you dick me to swing off your boyfriend’s nutsack.  Furthermore, your boyfriend would find you a lot more interesting if you had your own life and exercised a modicum of independence.NUTSACK

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: The Noid

CAT AND BRAINS

Okay, so the Halloween Party last night was super fun.  Good Group.  Except for one.  You know the one.  That one motherfucker nobody likes: the Noid. THE NOIDHe would splooge into the circle, and I would politely duck elsewhere.  Illiterate to basic social cues, when this dude approaches, people look around nervously.  He’s a loud, rude, narcissistic, interrupting attention hog.  He eyefucks the women and cock compares men.  He’s that guy.HATE THAT GUY

And my friend is dating him.  Uhggg.TEEN MOM 3

When I was younger and more naive, I would have tried to fervently convince her that this dude was at best annoying and at worst predatory, but now I’m wise enough to know that it would do no good.  I’ve learned you just have to put up with the obnoxious people your friends date and hope none marries the Noid.

OWL AND GANESHA

No matter how gross, unfaithful, violent, offensive, or irritating your friend’s fucktoy is, you just have to put up with him until they get tired of fornicating.  Once the delusion of lust wears off, hopefully your smart friend will see this asshole for who he is – an embarrassing douche.

cid_444

In addition to getting bossy with my friend, the younger, dumber me would have allowed aforementioned asshole to drag me into his asshole Olympics during which I would have felt compelled to win the gold medal in assholery.  The older and tireder me has no extra energy for such fuckery.  A confrontation would have fueled his attention-suck and ruined my fun time.  So when he appeared, I disappeared.  Nothing needles an attention whore like non-reaction.

NOT THE NOID

 HALLOWEEN FIRESIDE

cunnilingLESS

OTTOMAN ORAL

Don’t kiss me twice and then dive for my clit.  There is a whole anatomical world worth exploring between both pairs of lips.

SHOWER ORALDon’t breathe through your mouth.  Your hot breath gusting on my pussy is distracting me from my orgasm.

ORAL EXPLORE

Don’t ignore the labias.CUNNILINGUS PERFORMUSSlow down.DROPPEDPut your hands somewhere useful. USEFUL HANDSDon’t get discouraged!  Keep practicing. BETTER

Bad Bethenny

BETHENNY PREMIEREI watched it all of twice, so I’m totally entitled and confident in stating that Bethenny’s talk show is unequivocally bad.  She kicked off her premiere nation-wide launch by swishing, clapping, and lip-synching her own theme song.  This went on for a good 2 minutes of awkward.  Then she launched into an intro monologue comprised of a series of self-empowerment clichés strung together – Pay it forward! – We shall overcome!  This from a woman who got her start bitchfighting with other women on cable tv.  Throughout the self-centered litany, she peppered “it’s not about me” in an obvious attempt to persuade herself and the audience that the show entitled Bethenny was not about her.  (Bitch Please, when you were on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen the magic word was “I” and you narcissistic bitches said it 89 times!)  Then Mizz Frankel closed out the introduction with a pathetic and unnecessary update on her messy divorce.BETHENNY OPENING MOMENTBethenny seems to think that 10 am dick talk is somehow fresh and irreverent.  The truth is the traditional talk show format feels deeply antiquated.  Bethenny fails to offer anything novel that we haven’t seen before on episodes of her flash-in-the pan predecessors.BETHENNY MAN PANELLike Rachel Ray in her nascent hosting days, Bethenny hasn’t quite figured out that she doesn’t need to yell through the whole program.  Her voice is as nasally, shrill, and annoying as ever and the shouting only serves to amplify her worst vocal qualities.  Nails on a chalkboard would be a welcome release.  It is obvious why network higher-ups were allegedly concerned about her likability.SHRILL BETHENNYBethenny mingles with her well-coached adoring “fans” seated strategically in the audience.  She manically lunges at them with mic in hand and serves out advice to her Skinnygirl disciples through a stretched face smile-sneer.BETHENNY FRANKEL SMILE SNEERPhysically, Bethenny looks better than she ever has.  She wears the gloss of luck rather well.  Though she’s currently in the midst of a huge opportunity where she must prove herself publicly, and therefore carries herself with a great deal of self-awareness.  Bethenny’s martini glass appears to be brimming with good fortune, but when observing her cup of plenty there is an undeniable rim of sadness around the boozestress that not even a top-notch lighting crew can disguise.BETHENNY SAD, BUT AIRBRUSHED

 

The Most Annoying People at the Rock Show

BUTT GRABThe guy who leads his girlfriend around by the ass.FLAILING BITCHES

The woman who over-enthusiastically dances to the band’s two hit songs and then texts, talks loudly, and gets sloppy-ass drunk for the remainder of the show.

BRAD PITT DORK DANCEThe interpretative dancer who gesticulates in accord with the lyrics.  RAISE THE ROOF

The slutty underage Forever 21-clad girls who skank around the drink line begging guys to buy them beer.

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