Tag Archives: asshole

only as faithful as his opportunities

DOGS LOVE YOGAAs many of you know, I’m a yoga teacher.  Whatever, roll your eyes.   This one dude has been sporadically coming to my class for a couple years.  He’s nice enough, I guess; albeit a little clingy.  He’s always trying to hug.  (Stop hugging your yoga teacher.  We don’t want to hug everybody.)  Recently, he’s been pressing me to have an “evening tea with him.”  He’s married and his wife is out of the country on the front side of relocating the family.  So the wife takes the kids to Europe to get settled, and the chubby little skeeze of a husband hits on his yoga teacher.  Fucking Gross.  I tried to just dust him off, but he keeps coming back with pressured persistence.  Asshole, I’m not going to participate in your piggish fuckery.  I am not going to carry on with you in a way that disrespects your wife.  I decline to create the appearance of impropriety or compromise my character, dickwad  Do not be naively drawn into these nefarious shenanigans under false pretenses, folks.  He’s really trying to fuck. They’re always trying to fuck. GWEN

8 douchey things dudes do at the gym

Douche dudes work out in beanies.  You might as well wear a t-shirt that says “I’m bald.”  Remove the beanie, douche.TEXTING DOUCHE

Douche dudes over train glamour muscles like biceps and under train functional strength like core.  Great, you can bench 350, but you can’t hold plank for one minute; you fucking weak-ass douche.WEAK DOUCHEDouche dudes grunt, slam weights, and engage in other attention-seeking behavior.  We don’t think you look strong, we think you sound dumb.GRUNT DOUCHEDouche dudes sit on workout machines and text.  Granted, workout machines are fucking useless and should be avoided, but they aren’t fucking bar stools, douche.TEXT DOUCHEDouche dudes swing their dick and nuts around when they should be contained in an appropriate garment.  If I can see the outline of the head of your peen through your shorts than you are a douche.DICK DOUCHEDouche dudes stand around in the locker room naked.  Put your clothes on, douche.NUDE DOUCHEDouche dudes drink protein shakes all day as if their job sitting on their ass selling insurance requires the physical stamina of erecting the Pyramids of Giza by hand.TWINKIE DOUCHE

 

On apologizing when you aren’t sorry

RETROGRADEThose of you who read your horoscopes this month know Mercury just went out of retrograde yesterday.  Well, before that pesky planet could come correct, I stepped in it with a number of important authority figures in my life.  Ugh.  CARRIE STEPPED IN ITWhile in hindsight, I could have handled the situations with more grace, there is kernel of righteousness to my actions in both scenarios.  Since my actions are guided by the best intentions, I find it most difficult to choke out an apology just because the end result wasn’t ideal.  FORCED APOLOGYEven though I’ve designed my life to involve the least amount of shit eating possible, sometimes, we all have to eat it to smooth things over when the power dynamic is unequal.  EAT YO PIETake responsibility for your short-coming in the situation.  In one of the aforementioned instances, someone took offense to my directness, so I asked forgiveness for my “impertinent tone.”  I won’t apologize for the content of the sentiment because it was right on.  The dickhead interrupted my class talking loudly with a total lack of courtesy, mindfulness, and respect.  I turned to him and said, “Can this wait?  It’s really distracting.”  He didn’t like me calling him out on his bad behavior in front of the class.  Now because his ego is wounded over his rudeness, I have to apologize because he didn’t like the sound of the honest truth?  I’m happy to take responsibility for my delivery, but I won’t take on the responsibility for his bad behavior.  APOLOGIZING EGOWithout excusing or abdicating your part in the conflict, narrowly tailor your apology to include only the conduct for which you are truly sorry.  There’s no need to give away all your power especially when the other party shares in a good portion of the blame.  That said, if you really blew it, own your fuck-up completely.  There’s nothing grosser than a weasel trying to wriggle out of responsibility.WEASEL

Skills for Life: teenagers lie

TEENAGE KISSAs you know, I’m not a parent.  I don’t even have a pet.  My cayenne pepper plant is the closest thing to a being that depends on me, and it could probably survive on my porch for some time without intervention.  Even though I’m not a parent, I was a teenager.  And to quote Wendy Williams, I was a teenager who was “up to thangs.”  Drugs. Fighting. Musicians. Protests. Shows. Parties. Mischief. Jail.  Because of these experiences, I know when others are up to thangs.TRAFFIC BATHROOM FREEBASEI have a friend.  Well-educated and hard-working, she’s done exceptionally well for herself.  With no children of her own, she treats her family generously.  Years back, she promised her niece that if she met certain stipulations, my friend would take her to Europe for high school graduation.  Recently, the niece graduated.  True to her word, my friend planned a lovely trip overseas for the two of them.A ROOM WITH A VIEWTwo days after gradation and less than a week before their planned departure date, niece split her car between two trees driving drunk.  Thankfully, niece walked away unscathed as did her two passengers.  The collision destroyed the car.  One passenger fled on foot.  One stayed behind.  Niece called her parents.  Her parents awoke to the middle of the night call – a nightmare.  The concerned couple leapt from slumber to fetch a nearly-passed-out-drunk niece from a nearby location.BTW TREESThe family returned to the scene of the wreck.  When the tow truck was called to retrieve the crunched car, the tow truck driver informed the parents that he was obligated to notify the police because the property damage exceeded $1000.  While her parents are cleaning up her mess, niece is passed out drunk in the back seat of their car.LOHAN PASS OUTCops show up.  Dad says he’s the one that was driving.  Dad receives citation for reckless driving.  As a result, teenage drunk driving niece endures zero consequences for her extraordinarily reckless actions.  The next day, niece plays innocent and convinces naive parents that this is the first time she has ever driven drunk.  She appears contrite.  They allow her to go to Europe anyway.90210 IN PARISI think this response is total bullshit.  Not on my friend’s part.  She’s an innocent bystander in this situation just following through on her promise, and I admire her for that.  I’m looking at the parents in judgement.  Parents never want to believe the worst or the truth regarding their child (too often one in the same).  “The other kid was the ringleader… My kid was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”  I can’t with the excuses.  Your kid is a fucker.  I know this because I was a fucker.  I was up to thangs, and I relentlessly and pathologically lied to cover my ass.  Lying is what teenagers do.  Don’t take it personally.  Deception is a developmental stage.  Just don’t be gullible enough to believe the little liars – or worse reward them for their dishonorable behavior with a European vacation.BAD EGG

 

fuck faux pas: half-full magnum

MAGNUMDear Gentlemen,

Please don’t show up to fuck with Magnum-sized condoms when you have a pint-sized dick. 

Much Appreciated,

♥DCTOO BIG CONDOM

Skills for Life: on bullies

ASSHOLEI’m an Alpha.  Nobody who knows me would contest this.  That means in my worst moments I can be a bully.  It’s just one of the many flaws on my mental personal improvement list.  The upside to knowing how to bully is knowing how to handle bullies.  This morning, I encountered a doozy.  This rich, white, entitled asshole is accustomed to getting his ass kissed by everyone.  Boy, did he get a Sunday morning surprise when he quickly realized I’m not in the ass kissing business.  He was rude.  I stood my ground.  He threw a tantrum.  I firmly and politely looked him in the eye, unmoved by his childish antics.  It was as if he’d never heard the word “no.”  Within 5 minutes he relented.  So incredibly uncomfortable with my powerful, direct, and uncompromising stance, he couldn’t cope.  In the face of true courage and strength, he crumbled like an insecure little bitch.  Money and status are common external qualities and neither one makes you powerful.  Power comes (in part) from courage – a much rarer internally-cultivated quality.  Don’t ever let anybody push you around.  Stand powerfully with your courageous heart and watch the weak wither.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear,not absence of fear.

— Mark Twain

Hasbeen Housewives

SO MANY HOUSEWIVESWe all know that the Housewives are so over and aren’t worth even minimal fleeting discussion.  Yet, I do think we need to pause to highlight a couple of what-the-fuck moments that transpired during the most recent season of Orange County.GRETCHEN AND SLADE PROPOSALDid Gretchen really propose to Slade?!  Fuck that was embarrassing.  In case you missed it, Gretchen dressed up like the brokedown Fredrick’s of Hollywood version of Marilyn Monroe.  She recorded a tone-deaf love song and surprised Slade with it at his new job playing on-air bully at the radio station.  As she moaned through the off-key ballad, Slade listened intently and realized somewhere half-way through that this warbling mess was his lady-love.  Gretchen lured him to the top of the tallest building in Orange County (10 stories tops) where a helicopter delivered him in a windy swirl of douchedom.  Maybe these two are meant for each other, because his douchery can only be matched by her saccharin fake-barbie doll pageant princess bullshit.  This is a 35 year old woman who clearly has no shame.  Even though Slade has been in more Housewives than breast implants, is ten years her senior, loaded with a mountain of debt, and is widely ridiculed as acting like a little bitch among a whole cast of professional bitches, Gretchen launched into her prepared soliloquy.  The awkward display felt all wrong.  You know it’s bad when Slade takes a knee to accept the proposal.  Shit was all fucked up in this ass-backwards drag engagement.  I personally would never propose to a man.  If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask.  If a woman must ask, I urge her not to recapitulate some well-worn scenario where only the gender roles are switched à la Gretchen and Slade.  There is something so undignified about begging a man to be with you.  Let’s not even get into the stupidity of marrying a man saddled with Slade-caliber life-long debt.  Now that the marriage is on, we can only pray that these two don’t reproduce the vainest, shallowest, most vapid offspring Orange County has ever seen.FUCKED UP PROPOSAL

RYAN ASSHOLEBriana’s husband Ryan demonstrated he is an aggro marine asshole who needs his ass whupped, preferably by affable Uncle BillyRyan is the young version of the closeted abusive military monster dad from American Beauty.  In my experience, people wound that tightly usually end up perpetrating violence.  Did you hear the way he spoke to Lydia’s fairy-dusting stoner Mom?  Then, did you hear how he straight-up lied about it?  Hey moron, you are wearing a mic pack.  Unfortunately in her misguided attempt to rebel against her mother’s tyrannical control, it appears Briana married a dumb asshole with integrity issues.  May he remain indefinitely deployed.  AGRO RYANFinal thought of the day: Andy Cohen is to Bravo what Ryan Seacrest is to E!SAME PERSON DIFFERENT NETWORK

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Raise a Dickhead

KIDS YOGARecently, I invited kids to join a class I usually teach for adults.  I’m not a fan of pandering to children, so I expect the youngsters attending my class will demonstrate a modicum of self-control and respect.  In general, I treat kids as capable beings.  That’s why I blame parents when I observe many children have not been taught how to properly greet another human.MEET THE KIDSFor example I’ll say: “Hi kids, welcome to class, nice to see you again.  Thanks for joining us.”  No eye contact.  No response.  These children range in age from 6-10 years old and are quite capable of an age-appropriate level of social interaction with adults.  The accompanying parent, a highly intelligent, insightful, and successful person, makes no effort to corral the children for a proper greeting.  I find this unbelievably shocking.  Without exception, children must learn to respectfully acknowledge adults.  I need some eye contact and a bonjour at the very least.  PLEASED TO MEET YOUEven though it is fully possible that the kiddos ignore me because I’m a child-hating cunt, I’ll just humbly offer that no one is twisting their arms to come to this class and they attend quite voluntarily and enthusiastically.  So even though I am a mean witch, I haven’t revealed my broom to the little ones just yet.  This clearly isn’t a personal rebuff, but routinely rude behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids just haven’t been taught proper manners.  HI THEREObviously, parents resent advice from non-parents, but non-parents resent having to deal with rude children, so let’s just agree to call it even.  Remember: little assholes grow up to be big assholes.  We are all counting on you not to raise a dickhead.  Don’t let us down.    HOW RUDE

Fuck the TSA

Please excuse me, but I need to get a big ol’ fuck you off my chest.  Seriously, fuck the TSA.  I’ve been traveling quite a bit lately, and I’m so sick of those snide brokedown TSA bitches.  Lazy, usually grossly unfit, and delusionally mad with power, from what I can tell these useless assholes stand around all day torturing people over the relative viscosity of their toiletries.  Yup, that sealed Gillette gel anti-persperant is going to undoubtedly blow everything to smithereens.  Before you get all sanctimonious on my ass with the national security speech, spare me.  The TSA ain’t gonna save your ass.  Do you know how many people I know who have easily gotten weapons and/or drugs accidentally and/or purposefully through screening?  SEVERAL.  Does the TSA ever catch these folks?  No.  The TSA’s time is apparently better spent on a crusade against body butter.  Conversely, if you don’t want your bag manhandled by a dickhead TSA agent then follow their inane, draconian regulations to the letter.  Put the perilously dangerous liquids in the stupid quart bag or risk telegraphing your non-compliance with the TSA’s idiotic limitations.  My sympathy only stretches so far for flagrant violators.  The TSA is like a building with a doorman: they both lull us into a false sense of security while simultaneously and unnecessarily intruding into our private business.  Oh, and thanks for that unhealthy side order of radiation too.   I just need to say it one more time.  God it feels good.  Say it with me.  FUCK THE TSA!