After finishing up her next hit single, Chic, C’est la Vie, LuAnn invited all her fellow castmates to join her in shooting a video in Atlantic City. To her amazement, not all the ladies jumped at the opportunity.
Ramona was first to raise objections to appearing in the video, claiming she didn’t feel it would be a good example for Avery. First receptive to the idea of appearing, Sonja chose not to participate after listening to Ramona’s anti-video spiel while the two barely broke a sweat on the treadmills at Equinox.
Alex articulated her reasons for not participating in the video to Simon & company over a backyard Brooklyn wienie roast. After pretentiously describing her oil-rich Kansas upbringing, she declared that her family’s social preeminence prevented her from even mentioning the word “class” let alone appearing in a video purporting to embody the four letter word. The McCords are Kansas society dontcha know?
Since these bitches will film anything, Sonja joined Jill at the Path Medical Center. BTW, what the fuck is on Jill’s head? When the topic of the video shoot at the Borgata came up, Sonja fed Jill a bunch of unconvincing good-mommy bullshit which Jill immediately saw through. Jill tried her best to convince, cajole, and bully Sonja into hitting up Atlantic City, but Ramona’s influence over Sonja won out in the end. Ultimately, Sonja refused to cave to Jill’s pressure.
In one of the most awkward and tense lunches of the season, Ramona and LuAnn met at Madison & Vine to discuss Ramona’s non-participation in the video. Rather than politely decline the cameo, Ramona insinuated she was a better role model and parent than LuAnn. Without acknowledging the lingering questions surrounding her own relationship, Ramona continued to dig at LuAnn’s parenting style. Once she brought up the Count’s philandering, LuAnn was understandably out the door. Glass houses Ramona, glass houses.
In an effort to mend fences, Sonja invited Cindy over for toaster-oven egg brunch. The meal took place mid-week so Cindy brought along her assistant and took a conference call just as the food emerged. It was super rude of Cindy to take the call and shush Sonja in her own home. If you are too busy for brunch, don’t come. Furthermore, I’m sure a conversation about pubic hair removal can wait until after the mid-day meal.
Once in Atlantic City, Jill was the only Housewife that showed up for the first day of filming the Chic video. Bensimon showed briefly for a few shots on day two. Unflattering makeup, unexciting clothes, bad hair, cheesy location, and a moronic song pretty much guaranteed the whole thing would be a hot mess. And it was.
To ensure they too got some air time this week, Ramona, Avery, Alex, and Sonja went to a hip-hop lesson, which was easily the most embarrassing five minutes of the season for everyone involved. 
Alex and Simon hosted an art thing in Brooklyn, and since Ramona and Sonja didn’t go to Atlantic City to shoot the video they deigned to cross the bridge. The Manhattanites took turns dissing the borough and acted like they’d been forced to endure a trek to a developing nation. Sonja accidentally flashed a little nip upon arrival, and the excitement level pretty much plummeted from there.
Next week the finale puts this sleepy season to bed for good. Can the show be salvaged with this group of ladies or will Bravo toss the whole lot and recast for next year?
Bravo served up another week of mismatched footage, proving the decision to extend filming has failed to provide a narrative arc so desperately needed this season. The thesis of this week’s episode was burlesque by way of Sonja and all that it implies. 
But first, we got a little mother-daughter bonding courtesy of Ramona & Avery, LuAnn & Victoria, and Jill & Ally.
Jill slummed it on the commuter train to visit Ally in Bronxville where she attends college (Sarah Lawrence?) in the affluent suburb. Ally might be my fav among the RHNY offspring, but her meat-eating vegetarian speech was super annoying. Chicken is not a vegetable people! If you eat chicken, fish, or any other creature you are NOT a vegetarian. That’s like saying you’re Kosher except for your penchant for cheeseburgers.
Avery met up with Ramona for the UES equivalent of an afterschool snack. Much like Mario, Avery’s got Ramona completely hosed. With syrupy inflection, Avery read aloud a gushing school report she allegedly wrote about Ramona. Three reasons why this appeared to be complete bullshit: 1) the assignment was far too elementary to have actually been assigned to a high school sophomore at one of the most competitive prep schools in NYC; 2) no 16 year-old cites her mother as her hero without ulterior motive; 3) Avery’s phony-ass delivery smacked of Bravo/Ramona coercion.
The Countess took Victoria for a driving lesson in an icy parking lot. After relaying the basics, LuAnn proved she’s not all boring when she let Victoria hit the gas and zoom from one end to the other.
After some more bland filler, Sonja’s burlesque NYE party commenced. The cast spent the first portion of the party complimenting and then nit-picking each other’s outfits. Most of the audience spent several minutes trying to deduce whether “Tina” was a dude or a chick. 
Of course Sonja did a number. She felt compelled to talk through the performance and throw out little digs at her castmates. Jill and Barshop huddled in the audience trading barbs of their own. It was here that Cindy finally earned her salary and showed a modicum of wit when she delivered the zinger of the season. Sonja busted out the phrase “money can’t buy you class,” in reference to the Countess, and Barshop turned to Jill and said…
Ramona’s daughter Avery and LuAnn’s daughter Victoria both celebrated their 16th birthday on the same night this week. The first segment skipped back and forth between scenes of overbearing, bratty Avery making demands of her planners, and a vacant Victoria abdicating complete control to hers.
Avery nixed a series of ideas from the pushy planner. Her worst fear seemed to be that the event would feel “bat mitzvah.” Like most girls their age, both wanted a 21st birthday disguised as a 16th.
Prying must run in the family because Jill’s sister couldn’t resist offering unsolicited legal advice to Sonja about her bankruptcy. Forcing this conversation in Wexler’s waiting room was gross and uncomfortable.
But not nearly as gross and uncomfortable as watching Dr. Wexler deliver a series of painful injections around the perimeter of Jill’s face.
LuAnn threw a surprise party for Jill’s birthday. When Ramona arrived, she and LuAnn discovered that their daughters’ birthday parties not only fell on the same night, they also shared the same theme! Faux Frost Pas.
Jill’s nearest and dearest attention-seeking castmates each took turns hogging the spotlight. First Barshop did some weird poetry reading in a headpiece claiming to evoke Josephine Baker, but her outfit reflects that she had no actual knowledge of Josephine Baker.
Then Kelly used her toast time at the mic to repeatedly point out that she was late and apologize to the uninterested crowd. Ramona donned a red wig and impersonated Jill complaining about the size of her diamonds. Self-serving LuAnn headed up the rear in full showgirl regalia singing a dragish tribute to Jill that had the crowd searching for her Adam’s Apple.
Simon can’t quite quit smoking for good, so he hired a hypnotist to externally lobotomize his nicotine craving. Like any good junkie, he had to go out for one last fix. When he returned, Jacob put him under and repeatedly yelled “you are a non-smoker!” in an unidentifiable accent.
Ramona checked into the party venue and panicked when she realized her precious Pinot hadn’t arrived. She kept slurring “seriously” to convey the urgency of the issue to the staff. From outside appearances, the only serious problem is the one Ramona seems to have with drinking.
Both parties were impressive and very different. Avery went with an all white wedding reception feel, and Victoria went with a downtown clubby vibe. Ramona admitted she spent more on this party than she has on any other – even on herself and Mario. Despite the monster budget, Jill couldn’t procure a cocktail napkin, not even from the bartender.
In comparing the two parties, Victoria’s seemed more fun (she for sure had the better dress). Rather than leverage her daughter’s birthday for her own side fiesta, LuAnn left early to bang Jacques and allowed Victoria to finish the night with her friends. Lest we forget when you’re 16, the great parties aren’t the expensive ones; they are the ones with the least amount of parental supervision.
This week on the season finale, Jill and Bethenny finally sat down for their long-awaited confrontation at Le Cirque. Jill nervously prattled on doing her usual yenta small talk shtick before she eventually got down to it.
She weakly apologized for not being ready to accept Bethenny’s apology at Ramona’s (which is basically a bullshit non-apology). Bethenny found the small talk more unnerving than confrontation, so she dove in and labeled Jill disloyal and the disintegration of the relationship equivalent to divorce.
Neither of the two wanted to dredge up the past, but unless they level with each other the relationship can’t move on. Jill can throw as many potato latkes at the situation as she wants, but Bethenny doesn’t give a fuck. Scorpios never let things go.
Bethenny, a cold-hearted bitch to the core, didn’t even soften in the face of Jill’s prostrate humility. Mostly because Bethenny believed that Jill’s motives were more self-serving than sincerely contrite.
At La Pomme, the Cuntess busted out her glitter pants for the big debut of her new single Money Can’t Buy You Class.
We finally got to meet LuAnn’s new boyfriend, the French Fonze. The Cuntess bubbled with mid-life puppy love for her new beau as she proudly introduced him around the crowd.
As for the performance, it sounded like the Cuntess sang over a vocal track, and for a second I thought I had accidentally switched to RuPaul’s Drag Race.
We met up with Bethenny and Jason moving out of her UES apartment in favor of larger Soho cohabited square footage. This segment proved that Bethenny’s been holding out all season. Should we resent the fact that she’s obviously saved all the good stuff for her spin off?
Jill surprised Ramona to congratulate her and provide the requisite pre-ceremony fawning. Jill said something worth emphasizing.
Despite vow renewal fatigue, Ramona and Mario moved the crowd to tears with words of their devotion. Avery was skeptical about her Mom’s intentions for this vow renewal, but Ramona managed to wring some sincere sentiment from the event.
Waterworks aside, a woman in her fifties prancing down a staircase in a feathered white wedding gown is a definite dignity issue. Do I even need to comment on the fucking dog?
The matrimonial outpouring of emotion triggered a chain reaction at the reception, and one by one the ladies coupled up to reconcile their differences.
Kelly and Ramona bonded over a book of St. John photos Kelly put together. Nice gesture Kelly, way to wrap things up on a good note.
Bethenny pulled Ramona and Alex aside and spewed a bunch of emotional back-handed compliments about how surprised she was they were here for her this year. Ramona summed it up when she said, “Now you know, you can trust us,” before the three hugged it out.
At the Cocktails and Couture Party the condescending Cuntess wasted no time downsizing Alex for last week’s Bethenny dispatch. Both LuAnn and Bobby chastised Alex for getting in the middle of Jill and Bethenny’s biznass despite simultaneously failing to take their own advice by hypocritically weaseling into her dispute with Jill.
Kelly thought someone was going to pay extra because those dresses graced her snatch. She thinks she’s like Liz Hurley or something. Nobody gives a fuck Kelly. Though her dress choice for the party was an improvement over most of her other wardrobe selections this season.
Jill admitted to suffering remorse over the demise of her relationship with Bethenny. She claimed she wasn’t “ready to make up” at Ramona’s because she felt ambushed. Unfortunately, she lost her opportunity. Bethenny’s pride prevents her from trolling for apologies, and at this point Jill’s regret is too little too late. Tiger and Elin have a greater chance at reconciliation.
Alex tried to talk to Jill, but Jill doesn’t give a fuck about Alex. To Jill, Alex is just a pawn in her power struggle with Bethenny. Jill will never perceive Alex as her social equal and therefore has very little invested in salvaging their fake friendship. However, Alex isn’t the same woman she was first season; her semi-fame has given her more confidence.
Bethenny and Ramona seem to have gotten over the Brooklyn Bridge blowout, and Bethenny confided in Ramona concerning her visit to L.A. to see her father on his deathbed. The cynic in me thinks that the show may have strongly encouraged this call; Bethenny is so isolated from the other housewives this season it feels like she’s already shooting her spin off (premiering June 10th). It is apparent that Bethenny is bursting from the seams of this show and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to keep her in the fold.
A sycophantic wedding dress designer showed up with some gowns for Ramona’s vow renewal. Avery called bullshit on the whole unabashed grab for camera time pointing out the absurdity of the entire affair. Avery is actually the only person in Ramona’s life that can get her to momentarily pause and reconsider her juggernaut course.
LuAnn took Jill, Sonja, and Kelly to some uptown yoga studio where they sat around in lotus chairs and swapped depression stories. If I were any of these vapid, useless, twats I’d be fucking depressed too.
Ramona gave it as good as Jill and the two screamed at each other in the echoing loft while Jennifer’s kids tried to sleep behind closed doors.
Jill and Kelly took refuge in Jen’s pantry while Sonja strolled in ten minutes late and light years behind. Sonja doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.
Alex prepared her monologue on the way over from Brooklyn and wasted no time accusing Jill of gossiping about Bethenny’s loss. Fingers pointing, nose to nose, Alex and Jill finally had it out.
High heels hurting, Jill plopped down on one side of Kelly and Alex on the other. Kelly’s expression is fucking priceless.
Alex got in a few cogent barbs accusing Jill of pretending to be nice, never listening, criticizing her kids, house, and husband, and mean-girling. Alex leveled Jill who didn’t mount much of a defense. I only wish Alex would have stood her ground and stuck around the party vibing Jill all night. Remember folks, only the defeated flee the scene.
At Zarin’s Upper East Side shitstorm, Jill summoned for an veterinarian that does house calls (AKA, your friend Abby’s daughter Cindy from the synagogue) to address Ginger’s digestive issues. Jill’s been knee deep in it all season and this was no exception. Was this really the best footage Bravo had to start the hour? Gross. Moving on…
Over at the Borough, Bethenny broke engagement news to Alex. I’m guessing we’ll see the proposal footage on Bethenny’s Getting Married, you know that shit did not go unfilmed. Side note to Alex, no one wants quiche. 
Bethenny grimaced at the idea of a Central Park carriage princess wedding, but she filmed her “low-key” nuptials for a fucking reality show.
Ramona and her little cunt in training Avery sat down to a little mother-daughter lunch where Avery’s pretentious ass special ordered a dish not on the menu.
Truffle oil? Okay Blair Waldorf. By the way, clear braces aren’t fooling anyone. Avery has thirteen year old foundation issues. Mothers, guide your daughters away from the nasty orange Cover Girl base.
Even though she’s a condescending snot, Avery’s perceptive enough to see Ramona’s vow renewal for what it is – an unabashed grab for camera time, and she clearly wants no part of it, but Ramona wore her down with the crazy.
In search of her pied-à-terre, Countess LuAnn faced the cold, harsh reality of the post-divorce NYC housing market. After looking at a couple of 9 by Design looking joints downtown, she realized she is, in the immortal words of Billy Joel, “an uptown girl.”
You can spring for a building with a doorman, but that is just going to lull you into a false sense of security. Your doorman is not going to lay his life down for you or anything, so if you want to pay extra for someone to collect your packages, have at it, but don’t trick yourself into believing it is any safer.
At Pierre’s, Sonja and LuAnn discussed the negative behavioral side-effects of taking Adderall for weight loss. Sonja was concerned her Sagittarian nature paired with the Adderall might further impede her ability to self-edit. By the way, railing that shit will make you jitterier than Nic Cage on tax day, Trust. Don’t fuck with that pharmy shit, it’s nasty.
Kelly bristled at the notion that she and Sonja shared a man in the form of Max. Kelly thinks she has a platinum pussy or something. Kelly worked to create the impression that Sonja was much more into Max than she was, but we all remember her throwing herself all over him in those stupid fucking rain boots last season.
Sonja pointedly inquired as to whether Giles stepped out on Kelly during their marriage and the conversation turned really awkward as it became clear all three of these women were cheated on by their husbands. 
RHNY quick-study Sonja took the opportunity to discuss all the suitors rotating in and out of LuAnn’s cooch — which has become a fun weekly tradition this season.
Kelly, retire the fucking doily dresses. You wore a similar grandma lacy frock on Labor Day. Fugly then, fugly now, fugly forever.
Did Sonja actually bust out a pashmina?
Bethenny worked the party announcing her engagement. Kelly broke the news to Jill and LuAnn in her typical non sequitur, self-important manner.
“First news flash is that I’m dressing really feminine. That’s a big news flash. The second news flash, Bethenny’s engaged.”
What is this random bitch talking about? Right after Kelly broke the news, Jason came over to the Witches of Eastwick to lap up congratulations and troll for hugs. Why is he trolling hugs from Jill anyway?
LuAnn congratulated Bethenny and then confronted her about the Jill Stuart fash-attack. Bethenny apologized looking like she just wanted to dismiss the whole thing away so it wouldn’t sully her big night. 
LuAnn took it and ran into the arms of a nearby bachelor, thereby reinforcing her burgeoning reputation as the biggest slutbag on the Upper East Side.
Jill, alienated by not being at the center of the engagement brouhaha, vacillated all night over whether to congratulate Bethenny. After rounding up Bobby for moral support, Jill decided she better say something or risk looking shitty in front of her adoring public.
Bethenny, Jason, Ramona, and Mario congregated outside waiting for their cars and talking shit when Jill rushed out abrasively calling Bethenny’s name. Her anxiety was palpable and the whole exchange felt very insincere and forced.
Jill nervously focused her enthusiasm on the ring while Bethenny iced her. Bethenny and Jill are over and I’m over it too.
The most interesting part of the whole exchange was when Jill was fawning over the ring and Jason directed Bethenny, “Babe, Babe, Smile!” 
Who the fuck are you Jason? You just fucking got here. Don’t start telling people how and when to emote. This is foreshadowing people, Bethenny does not like to be told what to do.