As I’m sure you’ve heard, Jessica Simpson had a big ass 9+ lbs baby girl aptly named Maxwell this week. I think it is safe to say we all feel some collective relief knowing that intense gestation has come to a close. These last few weeks looking at her behemoth belly has made me truly uncomfortable. Think she will be able to meet her contractual obligations to Weight Watchers with a newborn baby? Knowing what we do about Jessica, I wonder whether she’ll survive the early days of motherhood without substantial aid from her mom Tina.
Bethenny and Jason are completely screwed right? If they are fighting this much on camera, what is happening off screen? Just tell him to fuck off Bethenny. You got your baby and more dough than you can spend. Cut the dead weight and get a cabana boy. Did you hear the rumor she hooked up with The Situation? GROSS.
Edvard Munch’s The Scream sold to an anonymous buyer for a record-breaking $120 million this week. Is “anonymous buyer” code for Saudi Royal?
Linda Evangelista was back in court this week seeking child support from billionaire baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault. Doesn’t he know she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day? He’s getting a bargain rate at $46,000 a month. 
Tori and Dean sucked us into this season by launching the episode with the stork depositing Scout and Bill’s newborn adopted baby Simone. Scout and Bill are the least annoying part of this two-bit crew, so Mazel! A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down, and the arrival of this little blessed bundle made for a more easily digestible reunion with Tori and the gang.
The time line leapt ahead several months and caught up with Tori and Dean fussing over their hoarder-style garage. As you know, Tori fancies herself an antique collector. This bitch tries on new careers like underwear and this week her bright idea is a “pop-up store” (puke) where she can unload all her crap at marked-up prices to the gullible star-worshiping public. Tori labors under the misapprehension that just because she rubbed her vadge up against something it makes it more valuable.
Under rather fishy circumstances, Tori and Dean commit to a commercial lease of undetermined length at the first place they looked, which was an oddly-shaped disaster of a half-finished space Tori envisioned staging as an actual house. How clever.
As an aside, did you hear that Tori is single-handedly bringing back the faux-fur caplet? Alert Women’s Wear Daily.
Tori wants to play “buyer” as her career this season and impose her self-proclaimed exquisite design aesthetic on others. By opening a store, she surmises that she can now shop freely without guilt. Rather than addressing her consumerism, she’d rather just reframe it as collecting “inventori” for her new store. That’s some seriously fucked-up self-rationalization right there.
Always realistic with scheduling, Tori and Dean set a one month deadline for the grand Valentine’s Day opening of Inventori. When Hoardi visited her storage space she couldn’t seem to part with anything even though the gaudy crap is just collecting dust. How much you think she pays a month for 30 full-service storage vaults at Wetzels? I find storage space morally objectionable. Intentionally and usefully steward the object or let it go.
Did you pee your pants a little when Dean’s agent called with news he’d landed a role in the “sequel to Trainspotting?” Wait for it…. titled, “Ecstasy.” I’ll let you rub that in your skin for a minute.
Even though this role of a lifetime means that Dean will miss the inaugural of Inventori, Tori was more relieved his ass is bringing in child support than disappointed about his upcoming absence.
As we all well know, Tori got pregnant and had a baby this year. The last half of the episode volleyed between Tori’s pregnancy suspicions and the merchandising of 
Tori fussed over her sick, snotty-nosed children rather than tend to her latest half-cocked career plan. She delegated the final shop details, so when she arrived with James she was appalled to discover that items had been priced within the realm of reason by professional appraisers.
James and Tori scurried around removing price tags from items as the newly hired store manger looked on with horrified dismay. Even with the pricing drama, Inventori pulled in enough on its first day to warrant a delighted squeal from Tori when the closing day receipts were revealed.
The episode closed with the swap of Valentine’s Day gifts. Dean emerged with another tired-ass necklace. Tori wrapped up her pee stick pregnancy test and gave it to Dean. Tori got doe-eyed and coy, and Dean got über Canadian. Not sure why the two acted surprised; they have a fucking sign in front of their house that says the “McDermott Baby Factory.”
Over the last two seasons we’ve watched Bill and Giuliana’s fertility struggles, and something ain’t sittin’ right. After a recent miscarriage, Giuliana continues to jack her body full of hormones using needles long and short. Ominously grinning, Bill stabs her in the belly and then attempts to sooth her with his rah-rah football field clichés. Does anyone think Bill would endure the same risks and abuse to his body if the tables were turned? Hell Nah.
Giuliana, afraid of disappointing Bill, undergoes procedure after invasive fertility procedure even though her body clearly ain’t having it. She reacted so badly to the last retrieval that she ended up in the hospital with serious complications. A human child is supposed to spring forth from this madness?
Bill distracts himself with his construction projects and speaking engagements, while Giuliana jetsets between L.A. and Chicago in the service of E! News, all with a reality show camera crew following to capture every medical appointment. Apparently, natural conception is a ludicrous notion. The two never entertain it as a viable option, probably because intercourse would conflict with their self-important work schedules.
Instead of taking two in the gut, Giuliana may wanna consider inserting Bill’s optimistic sports metaphors up his smug, all-American ass. Review his behavior this season for numerous examples of a very sinister streak lurking beneath his Ralph Lauren veneer.
No one begrudges these two a baby. If 2011 brings them a bundle of joy, I’ll be the first to offer Mazels; however, it’s possible Giuliana’s uterus is sending her a clear message not to procreate with this dick.
As you know, we usually don’t do baby here at DC, but we are making a very special exception to welcome a new Scorpio into the fold. This little dumpling is Miller Olson. He joined us on the 1st of November. Little muffin Miller shares a birthday with Jenny McCarthy, Aishwarya Rai, and Larry Flynt. Huge hugs to Eden, Simon, and big bro Thatcher. 
E! recently made a genius programming decision by upgrading Fashion Police to a weekly series. Joan Rivers has never been sharper as the Grand Dame presiding over a panel which includes Kelly Osbourne, Giuliana Rancic, and George Kotsiopoulos.
Speaking of Giuliana, we don’t do baby here at Demeter Clarc, but didja all happen to catch Giuliana and Bill on Friday’s View pimping their new book on their miscarriage press tour? We all sympathize with the couple for sure, but my inner cynic recoils at the notion of leveraging this kind of loss to bolster book sales and promote the upcoming season of a reality show.
While Giuliana has a comforting chipmunky quality, sort of a Katie Couric for Carrie Bradshaw disciples, a ravenous, fame-seeking beast pulses beneath her perky veneer. Even though the couple’s intentions to share their struggles may come from a pure place, the decision to craft their image around reproductive challenges is a risky strategy indeed. What if they have five miscarriages before they conceive? What if they never conceive? Is the public now privy to every detail since they have offered up the most private part of themselves in exchange for fame?
Speaking of late-thirties baby news, OK! reports Rachel Zoe has finally dulled the ache in Rodger’s pussy by incubating their very own Scarlet Begonia this awards season. Mazel Rach and Rodg!
Congratulations to Bethenny and Jason on the arrival of their daughter. In typical RHNY fashion, Jill Zarin actually announced the news that the baby was a boy on her Facebook. Even when she’s out of the loop, she refuses to stay out of the loop! Bethenny got the last laugh, turns out Jill was wrong!