Tag Archives: Back to School Advice

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: You Ain’t the Dalai Lama

Yesterday, I began an intensive training with a well-known Expert.  Almost 40 people paid a few thousand bucks each to spend 9 hours a day with this woman for the next 25 days.  So today after sitting around howling at the Moon, the instructor turns to one of underlings who informs us that Expert “isn’t available during breaks or after class.”  Bitch Please.  The instructor is raking in over $150,000, and she can’t bother to say hello in the hallway?  I totally understand time vampire sycophants, but I’m pretty sure you can get a VIP ticket with a little face-to-face time with fucking Beyoncé for $4,000.  Slow your roll with the “totally unavailable” talk.  Not only is this a rude and self-important first impression, but what kind of teacher imposes such an impersonal limitation on the student-teacher relationship?

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Forbidden Friday

So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.

Childish Alcoholic Douchebaggery.

No belly shots, keg stands, quarters, beruit, or other drinking games spawned from the land of Kappa Kappa Kunts.  Trust me – you’ve graduated.

Enjoy no more than 5 cocktails, and if any one of you makes that Mercy-laced cocktail recipe courtesy of GOOP then I will issue an official fatwa on your ass.  Take that shit to Gwyneth’s townhouse.  Wanna cure your hangover?  Set aside a fat rail from your eight ball and reserve it for breakfast.  Problem solved.  Put that in your newsletter Mizz Martin.

Mopping up the Dregs.

No matter how desperate, horny, or lonely, avoid finding a fuck partner the last twenty minutes the bar is open.  When has a truly satisfying sexual experience come from sorting through the dregs at last call?  Better question, how many of these encounters require a side order of Valtrex with the following morning’s Mimosa brunch.  Don’t kick off 2012 with a trip to the free clinic.

Including the drama couple.

Most of us are friends with at least one couple that can’t make it through an entire evening without getting into some loud dramatic stunt queen shit that sours the fun for everyone.  Avoid those assholes this weekend.

Drinking and Driving

DUI’s are so 2007 and so inexcusable.  For those dumbasses thinking of riding home on their bikes drunk (FYI, you can still get a DUI on a bike), did I ever tell you about that night I spent in the hospital with my friend Oskar after he cracked his head open drunk biking home from the bars one night?  Fun story.

Bitch & Complain

Nothing sucks up fun like a whiny bitch.  I’ll sum this up with one of my favorite quotes (which has been attributed to several different people including: Katharine Hepburn, Wallis Simpson, Henry Ford II, Benjamin Disraeli, and John Wayne, but who knows where it originated?)

Never Complain.  Never Explain.

Back to School Advice: 90 day delay

For some of you skanks this advice comes too late, but for those who can make it through the first couple weeks of school without hopping into bed with a stranger, let me compliment your self-control.  A flurry of upheaval and excitement accompany the first few weeks of the semester.  It is easy to get swept up in the fervor and make regrettable decisions.  Maintain a bit of mystery.  Consider a 90 day moratorium on casual sex during the first three months of school.  Let the insecure desperadoes jump at the first offers.  Watch all the messiness unfold.  See who is who and what is what before you take your pants off.  Get too slutty too quickly and risk reputational damage and Facebook-style humiliation that could haunt you for years.  Don’t rationalize bad behavior with over-partying.  We don’t accept such fuckery here at Demeter Clarc.  Keep it classy this fall and take your pick of worthy muffins by Thanksgiving.

 

Back to School Advice: Front Row

Many of you are heading back to school.  Wanna avoid getting called on in class?  Try sitting in the front row.  Even in Socratic Method situations, sitting in the front row triggers some sort of reverse psychology that helps students evade attention.  Since you are right under the teacher’s nose, he or she tends to overlook you and focus on the middle to back half of the classroom.  In addition, many professors stereotype those seated in the front row as overachievers.  It may sound counter-intuitive, but you might be surprised how much daydreaming you can get away with down front.  Public speaking induces major anxiety for most folks.  The intimacy of the front row makes it feel like you are only speaking to a few people rather than the whole room.  In the event that one particular professor aggressively works the seating chart, consider volunteering an answer about every third class.