Tag Archives: Bad Fashion

I Know It’s Not Right When…

SODA SHOP DATEHe has to google words I use in text messages.  You don’t know what auspicious means?

Auspicious: showing or suggesting that future success is likely.

He spends three dates talking exclusively about himself and then says “I can’t wait to learn everything about you.”BAD DATE CARTOON

I hate his shoes.hermes brown suedeHe cares more about being perceived as cool than he does about my feelings.ONJ AND JOHN TRAVOLTA GREASE

KELLY LE BROCKMy Kelly LeBrock and James Spader references sailed over his thinning hair.JAMES SPADER MANNEQUIN

 

Sparkle Tooth

TOOTH CRYSTALTo paraphrase Cher Horowitz, I don’t mean to be a traitor to my generation or anything, but I just don’t get the sparkle tooth trend.  A few of my friends have appeared with gems on their incisors and it totally freaks me out.  I obsessively stare at the sparkly spot.  It’s distracting in the worst possible way.TOOTH GEM INCISORWho wants to draw attention to a random tooth?  From an aesthetic perspective I find the practice distastefully confounding.  From a hygienic standpoint, it’s repulsive.  I fully support your right to self-expression, but can we not with the tooth gems please?   MAKE MONEY TOOTH

festival faceoff: coachella v. pitchfork

PITCHFORK 2013The music = Coachella

The sheer volume of performers means Coachella owns the title for superior festival line-up.  From the obscure, to the mainstream, to the reunited, Coachella serves up a summer’s worth of concerts in three compact tightly scheduled 12+ hour days across a polo field of stages.  Pitchfork hosts a number of specifically well-cultivated acts spaced temporally further apart on three different stages situated relatively close together.  Even though Coachella has more musical opportunities, there is no way to see every artist which leads to inevitable disappointments.  Know what wasn’t a disappointment?  The Breeders playing Last Splash from beginning to end at Pitchfork.COACHELLA 2013

PITCHFORK 2013 CROWDThe people = Pitchfork

Chicago gets away with unacceptable bullshit (shitty weather, crumbling infrastructure, violence), but the city’s still beloved because of the charm of its people.  Chicagoans take no shit, but they aren’t fucking L.A. assholes either.  Their midwestern mamas taught ‘em right.  The crowd peppered the days with “excuse me” and “thank you.”  Unlike, Coachella, everyone doesn’t stand thisclose at PitchforkPitchfolks mostly keep a reasonable and respectful distance.  In contrast at Coachella, a bitch had her saggy left tit on my shoulder for the entire Foals set.  Even the cops were nicer at Pitchfork.  In a surprisingly good-natured gesture two cops eye-fucking my friend and I pulled out perpendicularly to block traffic so we could strut the crosswalk unscathed.  (Hey Chicagoans – you all walk – stop at the crosswalks.  Crossing the street I felt like a fucked-up sequined version of Frogger.  G-Sus.)

PITCHFORK MUSIC FESTIVAL 2013 SATURDAYThe Food = Pitchfork

Don’t fuck with Chicago when it comes to food.  We happily feasted on $5 vegan corn dogs and waffle fries from The Chicago Diner stand.  I was introduced to the beauty of Jeni’s ice cream at PitchforkPitchfood reigns.  Coachella offers the poisonous churro, lukewarm water, and chunder-inducing garlic fries.PITCHFOOD

The drugs = Coachella

Basically, people are eating their own hair at Coachella.  Everyone is super fucked-up.  An extremely permissive attitude permeates the polo grounds from security to the fans.  In comparison, at Pitchfork I was lying in the grass extremely faded on edibles listening to Wire when these annoying kids settled in next to us.  One of the girls was one of those narrator-types who wove the word “literally” inappropriately and excessively into every sentence.  “My weed is literally in the grass you guys.” Dude responds, “I want to be rolling so hard that I can’t feel my genitals.  That’s how bad I want to be be rolling right now.”  Obviously, these kids were killing me.  As I lay there contemplating this hell of my own making, I heard a stern female voice say, “What’s in the bag?”  My heart stopped and I kept my eyes closed.  A few beats of silence followed.  Then I heard the annoying nasally girl whine, “She literally just took our weed.  At least we only have an hour and a half left.”  She literally reassured the group.  “She’s totally going to smoke it.” Dude replied.  I have never seen security take anyone’s weed at any show I have ever attended until I overheard it happen to Chicago’s most annoying hipsters at Pitchfork.  I smiled inside at the thought of the security guard blunting up their sack after a hard day’s work corralling doughy bearded white boys around Union Park.  I’m not mad at you Sister Security.PITCHTREE

The Fashion = Coachella

Bless your heart Chicago, style has never been your strength.  I ask you manboys, what is with the super tight denim cutoffs?  This is a very strange not-at-all flattering early 70′s look to resurrect.  Newsflash: 99% of all men look like boys in shorts.  Shorts are a dignity issue.  Dress like a fucking man.  Mostly, it was just a vast sea of unoriginality among all genders.  Don’t worry, we were an island of freshness as I insisted on teasing my reluctant friend’s hair into a major modern beehive.  Coachella breeds its own version of annoying conformity that I wouldn’t at all consider a creative expression unless you consider the art of the coochie cutter the bastard cousin of couture.  However, at least the Coochellites try.  In Chicago, bitches think khaki shorts constitute a style statement.PITCHFORK 2013 JENA

5 things you should never wear to a wedding

CHECK YOUR DRESSnumber five: visible cleavageWEDDING GUEST CLEAVAGEnumber four: shortsKATE MOSS SHORTSnumber three: a tiaraHONEY BOO BOO TIARAnumber two: flipflopsBRIDESMAIDS IN FLIP FLOPSnumber one: whiteWHITE WEDDING GUEST DRESSBORING WEDDING

MET GALA 2013: punc as phuc

Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala.  The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there).  The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion.  If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is?  Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction.  I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win.  Is she fucking with us?  I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform.  Nude illusion, really girl?  Pink shiny too short long sleeves?  What?  A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink?  Incomprehensible.  How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year?  So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci.  I’m not sure we can blame him.  All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot.  Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe.  The gloves are totally freaking me out.  Hand camo.  Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style.  I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown.  I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right?  Do we like Annie as a blonde?  I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan.  I do love the orange lip and fishnets.   Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment.  In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously.  She smacks of try.  The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior.  Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP?  Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie.  The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair.  Punk Glam Granny?Opa!  Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen.  What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart.  Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately.  She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung.  She’s our modern day Audrey.  Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked.  Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately.  Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume.  For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up.  You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte.  Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem.  The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else.  Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala?  Sheesh.  Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch?  Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga.  Die for the safety pin.  It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be.  Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors.  The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen!  Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age.  Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.  

Calm down Gisele.  (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).

HOACHELLA part 2

Sherbert LBC.Man flower power pant.Cute elephant shoes.Stick a dollar in them cheeks. Cheese curdles in the sun ya’ll.

There were some really hideous florescent green knock-off Isabel Marant sneakers attached to this truck stop hooker get up.

Hoachella

Know what is incredibly boring and lame?  Nearly every bitch here is wearing the same fucking outfit.  Dubbed “boho slut” by my witty companion, all these lemmings look exactly the same.  Their uniform of rebellious conformity consists of the following: uterus and asshole revealing short-shorts, fringe bags, and crochet tops.  Not only does it look like an Urban Outfitters catalog exploded all over the polo field, it’s also the same tragic shit these girls wore last year.  Please enjoy these examples of fashion fuckery I covertly captured.

Check out feather butt.

Can’t forget the bathing beauties.

There were few notable exceptions.  Bowl-cut chick is serving me something different here.  I like where cute mint green dress girl is going with her look.

A few guys tried to come with some flavor, but more often than not it read as try-hard stunt queen dressing.  See gold pants man, colorful leggings boy, and fur hat kid for clear examples of this attention-seeking.  My favorite look of the day from a man hands down:  I am a Bear.  Bright Yellow Bear.  Yes Please.

It is a musical festival, so I would be remiss in not throwing a note or two in about the actual performances.  Top of the day – Yeah, Yeah, YeahsMiss Karen O blew us away.  Most annoying = Purity Ring because the whole crowd was rolling their faces off.  Hipster fuck music, gross yo.  As an aside, we all know ecstasy and molly are super fun, but why you would waste/risk that experience on Coachella, where you will most likely end up fucking a stranger in a smelly port-a-potty, I don’t understand.  The desert is really dehydrating enough without the E, but that’s just my personal position on the matter.  Either way though, please stop rubbing your left tit on my back because rolling or not, it feels really creepy.

OSCARS 2013: wake me when it’s over

I commence this year’s Oscar fashion criticism frenzy with Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture because this is the dress I stared at longest and ultimately found most controversially interesting among a thicket of bland and boring looks. Was Charlize exquisite in Dior Haute Couture?  I guess.  Is it memorable?  No.  Am I bored?  Very.  Is she serving a little Sharon Stone with that hair and smirk?  Yes. Aniston possesses a rare talent for making Valentino look like the Macy’s Prom Collection.  Stand up straight bitch. This tin-tittied mess is Anne Hathaway in Prada.  Nobody noticed the diamonds, that’s for sure. When I see Halle Berry in this Versace, I want to pronounce it VersayceI despise everything about Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen: the bridesmaid hair, the pageant pose, and the washed out non-color of the firefly patterned gown. Jessica Chastain has truly never looked better in impeccably-tailored spiderweb Armani.  I don’t love Melissa McCarthy in this ill-fitting David Meister, but I will always love Melissa McCarthyJennifer Lawrence lacks a style identity.  I suspect Dior hands her a dress and she obediently wears it. One of the best dressed of the evening, Octavia Spencer looks fantastic in this soft pink Tadashi Shoji.A wrinkled mess, Kerry Washington served some sorbet Miu Miu.  It’s too long, no?I don’t get dead-eyed Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra.  I know she makes some bitches swoon, but to me she is not everything.  Can she close her mouth?  What’s up with her constant open mouth?  It’s creepy.This Louis Vuitton just doesn’t fit Reese Witherspoon, and the fabric isn’t modern. Nicole Kidman wore L’Wren Scott and I think we can agree it was a decent choice for her.  It’s a little fussy for my personal taste, but she wears it well and looks luminous. Let’s finish with the couples: Naomi Watts wore Armani PrivéArmani far and away fit the best dresses of the night.  Ben & Jen, she in Gucci, but it doesn’t matter what she wears because nothing pops on this girl.

 

10 Annoying Things Tourists Do on Vacation…

Narrate everything.  Really, you have to pee, yeah bitch we are standing in the bathroom line.  I know.  I don’t give a fuck.  Hurry up and pee then.  I don’t need a narrative of your experience in the restroom.  Furthermore, I don’t need a description of the waterfall or the valley.  Just shut up and enjoy the moment in silence. …Act like they have never stepped foot in a grocery store.  I know the Wal-Mart ain’t all that different where you are from.  Stop wandering around mystified taking up the whole fucking aisle contemplating your frozen pizza choice.  G-sus.Let their kids go buck ass wild.  Look, I know everybody is on vacation here, but I will whoop your annoying kids’ asses.   They are not cute, and I do not give a fuck.Drive like assholes.  It’s one of two things: 1) either you think because you flew in yesterday you own the place and are somehow entitled to ignore traffic laws and common decency; or 2) you are so overwhelmed by the experience you do dumbass shit like come to a DEAD STOP in the middle of the highway to look at whales surfacing off shore.  The same rules apply to walking down the sidewalk: stick to the right lane bitch.  Smoke cigarettes everywhere.  Like almost every red blooded American teenager, I used to smoke.  Then I graduated.  Are you really still fucking smoking nasty-ass cigarettes?  Not a good look.  Just so you know, you look like ignorant fucking trash standing there with your pleated shorts and a Camel dangling from your wrinkly mouth.  You are in paradise.  Put the cigarettes away.

Lose their shit.  My travel companion loves to throw his shawl around in every new hotel room.  When it is time to pack up and go, it takes about a fucking month because his shit is everywhere.  I spent at least twenty minutes listening to some dopey Canadians fret about their misplaced passports.  We all occasionally lose shit, but if you pack light and keep your possessions close and organized, a lost item is a much less likely probability.Dress like dorks.  Seriously, if I see one more unironic Hawaiian shirt paired with unironic Hawaiian print shorts, I am going to chunder.  Some tourists dress like they are trekking Everest when they hardly plan to deviate from a paved path.  I understand comfort is king when traveling, but that is no excuse to look like shit.  Don’t forget to pack your style.  Chances are these outfits will be captured on film.Complain constantly.  On the way over to Hawaii, one of the most geographically isolated land masses in the entire world, the lady next to me was wigging out because the guy in the seat in front of her reclined his chair.  This grown-ass woman (in her sixties) fussed, pushed, and kicked this poor guy’s chair until he finally reluctantly returned his seatback to the upright position.  If you want to be a raging cunt about leg room then spring for first class bitch.  Regardless, I could give a fuck about listening to your spoiled, entitled, whining for an entire pan-oceanic flight.Ask stupid fucking questions.  One summer, I ran a gondola in the mountains and people asked me the dumbest fucking questions you could ever imagine.  “Where does this go?”  It goes to heaven, asshole.  You are in a new place, no one expects you to know everything, but there is this invention called the internet which makes basic information gathering rather simple.  Do your research to avoid looking like a complete fucking moron.Get fucking wasted.  I love to party and I can throw down, but I never ever get sloppy.  My first night on Kauai, three tequila-soaked dudes got so wasted they were sloshing all around the lobby in a herd of hot mess.  One walked right into a sign and smacked his head.  One got into a loud argument with the ATM (the ATM totally won).  The third loudly slurred at me from across the lobby, “Can you get online?”  Not only is this type of behavior pathetic and unattractive, you make a target of yourself for theft, robbery, rape or worse.  Don’t leave your dignity or common sense on the mainland.