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“I was in Milan, and you would see the same girls at castings. There was one girl — she was like, ‘I can’t get any work, I’m so sick of this, I’m ready to quit. I love your hair color. What do you color your hair with? and I was like, ‘Oh, it’s red. Here’s my formula.’ It was Karen Elson. A couple of weeks later, she had bright red-hair.”
Christina Hendricks - Bazaar, November 2010
This week Rachel was on the hunt for the best gowns for the 2010 Oscars. She proclaimed a white obsession and declared everyone should have a white moment on the red carpet. According to her, everyone looks good in white. The truth is most people look like shit in white. A rare woman wears white head-to-toe well, and it ain’t exactly slimming. Occasionally, white works and when it does it can be admittedly spectacular. More often than not, it evokes the inevitable and dreaded bridal comparisons and should be avoided.First, Rachel sycophantically gushed over the brilliant Oscar de la Renta, but it was slightly less annoying than usual since he actual deserves it. As expected, Oscar served gown after delicious gown, but really only one princess gown stood out as a possible Oscar option. After the show, Rachel, Rodger, and Brad piled into an SUV to go ten blocks to the Michael Kors show. Despite sitting in gridlock traffic less than a mile away, it didn’t occur to the West Coasters to get out and walk to make it on time. The three self-important assholes rolled in late and rude, even though all the editors and other fashion folk seemed to make it on time under identical circumstances. On the way out, Zoe complained loudly about people sweating them for their bad manners and tardiness.
Rodger and Rachel’s sister, Pam, went to Kiki de Montparnasse to find something sexy for Rachel. The thought of emaciated, wrinkly, Rachel ensconced in lingerie is enough to conjure the heaves (Rachel Zoe presents the Refugee Collection). The lubricious salesgirl wasted no time breaking out an “intimacy kit” complete with vibrator. Mortified, Rodger moved on to the French Maid getup, before settling on a simple black camisole and lace thong that he could have bought anywhere. Proving he’s at least forty percent queen, Rodger closed the sale by saying, “We should get this because it is sexy, and she can definitely wear this with a Chanel jacket and be happy.”
Next, Brad (sans Rachel and thus relegated to the 5th row) at Derek Lam. Brad fixated on the modern white drapey cowl-neck high collar gown for Cameron Diaz, which was amazing (and was coincidentally included in Demeter Clarc’s selections of the best Fall 2010 gowns). Despite the gown’s dopeness, it obviously wasn’t right for Cameron or the Oscars. Brad says Taylor made him look incompetent, but so far he’s done just fine proving his lack of artistic vision. His picks are off, and that’s why you should never trust a gay man to do a woman’s job. Brad excels at dressing men, and that’s where he should turn his focus.
Rachel rushed waaaaay down market to style her QVC fashion show. The collection looked cheap, budget, and utterly home shopping. This should prove once and for all that this woman’s style and certainly her design talent, are greatly exaggerated. Admit it, the collection was not hot.For their anniversary, Marisa gave Rodger and Rachel a DVD of their 1998 St. Barts honeymoon. Rachel was barely recognizable in the video describing herself as “a brunette with no wrinkles.” After, Rachel and Rodger traded gifts. Rachel bought Rodger a gift, and a gift for herself from Rodger – rose gold and diamond handcuffs. When Rodger busted out the Kiki de Montparnasse box, Rachel recoiled in horror repeating the mantra “not wearing it.” When Rodger pulled the relatively benign cami out of the box Rachel’s panic subsided, but she batted down his attempt to show the thong. Can we agree that a sex tape staring these two would be the least erotic thing ever?Rachel seemed pretty disappointed with her gifts until Rodger busted out a custom Barbie doll fashioned in her image. First Dylan McKay’s Porsche, then Rachel Barbie, gentlemen take note.That evening at Donna Karan, Rachel chirped, “Hey Beauty!” to the likes of Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, and Brooke Shields reminding us that Zoe herself is more hired-help than style star. Rodger and Rachel told anybody who would listen about their wedding anniversary, and then feigned surprised when congratulated, exclaiming how nice it was that everyone remembered.
Pam sat Rachel down and gave her a serious talking to regarding her reproductive future. Rachel blames her hectic schedule on her childless womb, but she probably just doesn’t want to get fat or quit smoking. Hermès, Chanel, Balenciaga, these are Rachel’s babies. Getting ready for Marc Jacobs, Rachel vacillated between hair-up or hair-down, with the majority of Team Zoe preferring the hair up so as not to compete with the ruffled shoulder. Considering the jacket choice, her hair did look better up, and that’s how she walked out the door. However, moments later in the car, the hair was down. How can you trust a stylist that cannot style herself?
The next morning, Brad broke the news of a ban on white gowns at the Oscars. Rachel whined, “I hate no white.” Fear not, she utilized the Lam in this Bazaar spread with Atwood.Wrapping things up at Jessica McClintock Marchesa, Rachel fixated on a busy silver beaded dress with a huge bow on the shoulder. Didn’t we learn anything from Charlize’s bow shoulder disaster from a few years back? Even though the bow looked like a big ass parrot sitting on the model’s shoulder, Brad proclaimed the gown “the most coveted dress of the entire season.” He stressed, “If it’s not worn by one of Rachel’s clients, Lord help me.”
We’ve been waiting to get the dish on the Taylor and Rachel blow up, and the season three premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project wasted no time in addressing the splinter. At the end of last season, Rodger stepped in to handle the books. Rodger broke the news to Rachel that Taylor didn’t really give a fuck when confronted over sketchy expense reports. As a result, he let her go. Rachel lied to Rodger constantly about her spending last season. If the expense reports were sketchy, he should start his inquiries with her.
In typical Zoe fashion, Rachel completely overreacted, unable to accept that she had been betrayed by her “blessed jewel.” Rachel, have you met Taylor? Furthermore, is this your first day in the styling industry? Fashion is a cruel mistress filled with bitter backstabbing bitches. Anybody with staying power learns early: trust no one.Brad, Jordan, and Marisa showed up for a staff meeting so Rodger could break the news that was already splattered all over the internet: Taylor was no longer with the company. Rachel implored her lackeys to recover every sample and shred of company property in Taylor’s possession.Simultaneously, Brad looked ebullient with his promotion to Style Director and terrified at the realization that he would now have to run this ship without Captain Taylor Bitchface. No surprise that the preeminent assignment for Team Zoe was to find a replacement for Taylor.
Rachel and Rodger interviewed a series of under-qualified, inarticulate candidates, none of which appear to have the fashion knowledge, personal style, or constitution to replace Taylor. Despite Taylor’s obvious flaws, she clearly ran thangs over at Camp Zoe. Rachel spins like a well-dressed Muppet on a dradle, but appears to accomplish very little other than to sycophantically gush and twirl.
Brad and Rachel flipped through look books searching for high-fashion editorial looks for Demi’s Bazaar cover. Both expressed anxiety over pleasing Kutcher’s piece since she had previously worked almost exclusively with Taylor. At the Bazaar shoot, Rachel pulled Chanel, Oscar de la Renta, Alexander McQueen, Dior, and some mayjah red sequined Wizard of Oz Louboutins. However, watching a fifty-something Demi Moore unironically play coquettish housewife conjured the chunder. Also, the hair is off in this shot, no?Finally, the much-anticipated Marc Jacobs bloomer outfit arrived, albeit without the necessary undergarments. Instead of employing actual creative styling talent and reworking the look, the incomplete outfit caused Rachel to nix the ensemble entirely in favor of a Carolina Herrera gown. Work that bustle Demi!
The mundane shoot got an immediate upgrade with the appearance of the giraffe. Demi climbed a stairway to the sky where she looked eye to eye with the gorgeous creature. While feeding the giraffe atop twelve inch McQueen platforms, Demi nearly tumbled head over stilts. In the struggle between the giraffe and Demi, frankly, I was pulling for the giraffe. Imagine a subscriber cover with Demi Moore face-planted in the sand? That would move magazines.
To wrap the episode on an especially spiteful final note, Rachel set images of Taylor from Paper ablaze in the fireplace. The article stated that Taylor was no longer with Rachel Zoe. Parsing for subtext here, the inference is that Taylor planned to leave all along, and Paper Magazine knew it before Rachel did.Her haze of self-perceived victimization prevented Rachel from adequately acknowledging Taylor’s huge contribution to the Rachel Zoe name, aesthetic, and business. Through her skewed, self-absorbed perspective, Rachel failed to recognize that Taylor walked away with nothing except bad press, whereas she has benefited, and will continue to benefit from years of Taylor’s hard work. To add insult to injury, Rachel utilized her show as a platform from which to defame Taylor and limit her future professional prospects. If Taylor is a backstabbing bitch, it’s just because Rachel has taught her everything she knows.
Anastasia, Drusilla, and the Wicked Stepmother.
Channeling Marion Cotillard.
Where the fuck are my feet?
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