Tag Archives: Bethenny Ever After

Bethenny and Jason on the Rocks?

We’ve all been on quite a ride with Mizz Frankel haven’t we?  At first, in the earliest days of RHNY, I was sort of fond of her.  Perhaps she was just the least offensive member of an all-around offensive group, but for the most part we were rooting for her.  As her fame, brand, and wealth grew, so did her narcissism, impatience, greed, and need for control.  In my opinion, her merger with Jason was just that – a calculated business decision aimed at furthering her appeal to a larger (more lucrative) audience.  Along came Bryn, and with her new baby Bethenny had all the the perfect ingredients to market cocktails, shapewear, skin care, books, and more to eager moms.  Not to mention Bethenny leveraged her new role as “mommy” to snag sponsorship deals with major players like PampersFirst during Bethenny Getting Married? and later throughout Bethenny Ever After, the couple’s total incompatibility became full-on apparent.  This last season grew so uncomfortable, I couldn’t even find the humor and fun in writing my silly little recaps.  So it comes as no surprise that rumors are flying concerning both parties consulting divorce lawyers.With divorce rumblings comes financial talk.  Several lawyers were asked to comment on what Jason is likely to gain from the split.  Now, I ain’t one to gossip, but I heard that Bethenny pushed Jason to sign a pre-nup and a revised post-nuptial agreement.  Trust, her assets are protected.  Based on her upbringing and past behavior, I contend that Bethenny would not jeopardize her fortune or her daughter’s future for any man.  Along with the rest of you, I’ve been predicting the demise of this showmance for sometime.  During a recent episode, a morsel of information slipped out that only served to cement my hunch about their impending split.  Bethenny stated that Jason goes to church every Sunday.  Specifically, she said “Jason goes,” the inference being that she stays home and he goes without her.  That struck me as a profound proof of the distance between these two.  Consider how much bullshit Jason endures for Bethenny.  How many events must he attend where she is the “star,” and he is the purse-holding husband pushed off the step-and-repeat so the paps can get a clean shot of the money maker?  She can’t spend one hour in church with the man?  Look, I’m no Bible beater, but church might actually do Bethenny some good.  Even if it didn’t, it would show a willingness to support Jason and do something as a family that isn’t 100% focused on Bethenny.  The trouble with the current version of Bethenny is that everything in her life and the lives of her hired sycophants is Bethenny-centric.  Why do you think Julie left?  And let’s not even get into all the unnecessary conflict Frankel caused with Jason’s salt-of-the-Earth parents…And as for the infidelity rumors with Matt Hesse?  The two clearly have chemistry, and Bethenny eyes him with a particular undeniable gleam during their on-air interactions.  He knows she wants him and he’ll milk her sexual attraction to maximize his professional and financial future.  He’s a self-proclaimed modelizer.  Obviously fucking Bethenny is a resume builder, not a dick stiffener.  Let her taste a bit of her own overly acidic Skinnygirl medicine with this handsome opportunist.  As this plays out, I predict the following:  1) First, the couple will offer a wave of denials until a confidential agreement is locked down tight; 2) Jason will NOT end up with anything close to half of Bethenny’s fortune, but she will overpay on the pre-nup/post-nup to preserve and protect her privacy and misdoings;  3) She will hold off announcing the split until after she finds out if her 6 week trial run talk show gets picked up for a full season (it won’t).

4 for Friday

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Jessica Simpson had a big ass 9+ lbs baby girl aptly named Maxwell this week.  I think it is safe to say we all feel some collective relief knowing that intense gestation has come to a close.  These last few weeks looking at her behemoth belly has made me truly uncomfortable.  Think she will be able to meet her contractual obligations to Weight Watchers with a newborn baby?  Knowing what we do about Jessica, I wonder whether she’ll survive the early days of motherhood without substantial aid from her mom Tina.

Bethenny and Jason are completely screwed right?  If they are fighting this much on camera, what is happening off screen?  Just tell him to fuck off Bethenny.  You got your baby and more dough than you can spend.  Cut the dead weight and get a cabana boy.  Did you hear the rumor she hooked up with The Situation?  GROSS.Edvard Munch’s The Scream sold to an anonymous buyer for a record-breaking $120 million this week.  Is “anonymous buyer” code for Saudi Royal?Linda Evangelista was back in court this week seeking child support from billionaire baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault.  Doesn’t he know she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day?  He’s getting a bargain rate at $46,000 a month.  

Four for Friday

Notice how ever since The Soup moved to Wednesday it’s lost some of its zhush?  How can you do a thorough weekly round-up on a show that airs midweek?  Explain this suicidal programming decision por favor.  Jersey Shore sputtered out like a two-pump chump.  I’m guessing that’s what the lesbians affectionately call Vinny after the world’s least erotic three-way. Notice Bethenny’s show is building up to the infamous Amador boat trip even though everyone already widely believes the entire event to be staged for the cameras?  PR strategy or arrogant stupidity?Spent the last two days learning some interesting, scientific, and at times witchy stuff about the human body.  As if I needed another reason to sleep a full 8-10 hours, apparently the only way to truly rest and repair the adrenal glands is by consistently getting a full 8 hours of sleep.  The body repairs the adrenals during a specific period later in the sleep cycle.  If sleep is interrupted, the body resets to hour one and misses the opportunity to repair.  Can you poop without a stimulant (caffeine, nicotine, etc.) in the morning?  If not, this could be a sign of adrenal insufficiency.  Stressed, pissy and fatigued?  Consider the possibility that your chronic sleep deprivation depletes important hormones.

 

Bethenny’s House Warming Party

Bethenny Ever After returned last night.  After a few seasons of a spin-off focused on Bethenny’s claw to the top, this season courts our collective envy and resentment by showcasing the expenditure of her new obscene wealth.  A couple of interesting points worth mentioning before we get to Frankel’s new apartment: 1) Bethenny made Jason sign a pre-nup; and 2) He’s still butthurt about it.  As for the dirty details on the family’s new condo, The NY Post reports Bethenny purchased a unit located on the 5th floor at 195 Hudson St. in Tribeca.  The 3,600 square foot, four bedroom joint located in the “baller building” (her words, not mine), was rumored to cost just shy of $5 million.  Did she overpay?  The same unit was sold in oh-five for $3.265 million and again in oh-seven for $3.725 million.  In August of 2011, Bethenny paid $4.995 or $388 more per square foot than the previous owner.  That said, smaller neighboring condo 5A just sold for $5.125 million, so maybe she got a bargain after all?

 

Bethenny Ever After: Bethenny’s Perfect Life?

The long-awaited finale of Bethenny Ever After aired this week, long-awaited because we all couldn’t wait for this extra boring show to end.  The bulk of the lazy-ass season finale was cobbled together from moments of Bethenny’s speaking tour.Bethenny spewed clichéd self-help advice repackaged Skinnygirl-style as the secret of her success.  Let’s be honest.  Bethenny’s success stems from her willingness to offer up her most sacred relationships, private decisions, and deepest losses to Bravo for commoditization.  Personal exploitation has been the ladder upon which she climbed to the top, and it has been a lucrative ascent.Grandparents, Carol and Bob joined the tour for a night in Philadelphia.  Neither understands Bethenny’s appeal, but both gave her warm congratulations after the show.  Grandma Hoppy accidentally stumbled into some funny when she said, “There was only a cock here and there…”

Bethenny got the adrenaline shits before her Wilmington show and ran around the theater trying to empty her bowels moments before she was due on stage.  She then danced her way down the aisle of the theater late-nineties Oprah-style.

All this filler delayed the only attention-worthy moment of the season – the sale of Skinnygirl.  During her weekly sesh with Amador, Bethenny claimed to care less about the money now that she has her little family.  She also conceded that since her own success now eclipsed her deceased father’s, “It makes me happy to stuff it to him.”While the specifics of the deal were not discussed on camera, when the email came, Jason said “You are going to be a very rich woman.”  So I guess we can surmise that $120 million figure might be in the realm of truth.Now here’s what I want to know.

Is $120 million her cut, or is she divvying that up with Skinnygirl Canada?

Will she have Jason sign a post-nup or amend the pre-nup if one exists?

As contemplated last week, does this make her the richest Housewife?

Bethenny sobbed tears of joy at her unbelievable good fortune, and Jason could barely contain his glee at the luck of landing his own little jackpot.Jason returned later with their wedding album and the two oohed and aahhed over every page.  Rejoice, everything is sublime in Hoppytown.So you guys heard this got renewed for another season, right?  They better start looking for a new angle because who really wants to watch “Bethenny’s Perfect Life?”

Bethenny Ever After: Malibootie

In an effort to test market a possible booty-thickening addition to her shapewear line, Bethenny spent the first several minutes of this week’s episode flaunting her artificially-enhanced ass in everyone’s face.  First Julie, then Ethan, and finally Jason got a face full of butt pad everywhere they turned.When Jason admired her new asset, Bethenny first credited the skating, but when Jason pressed to bang the booty, she had to fess up to her new accessory to his epic disappointment.

The Hoppy family + staff hit up the Christmas tree farm where Bethenny provided a Santa hat to tree farmer Don and forced him to double as an impromptu St. Nick.  She thrust Bryn into the man’s arms, insisted on taking pictures, and cooed as the baby tugged on Don’s beard.  Explain the parental blind spot that prevents otherwise reasonable folks from understanding that it is not appropriate to impose their children on others.After balking at the big city prices, Jason flailed about with the saw, sending Bethenny’s motherly protectiveness into overdrive.  Dawa selected a tree, and while the crew packed it up, Don offered Bethenny and Jason a ride on the back of his pick-up truck.  The ride was rough, but unfortunately not rough enough to knock either of them off the back.Bethenny planned what she thought would be a hilarious ugly Christmas sweater party, and maybe it would have been funny ten years ago when this idea first made the rounds.  Ugly Christmas sweater parties are so over. (Shoutout Portlandia)

Food God Nick submitted his first food blog, and Bethenny and Julie creamed themselves over his sesquipedalian and grandiloquent writing style (two can play at that game Nick).  After finishing an oral recitation of the multi-page account, Bethenny immediately got Nick on the phone, offered him a job with the Skinnygirl website, and asked him to a fancy dinner at Mr. Chow.Nick borrowed a sports coat from his Dad and wore a wrinkly, dingy button-up with no undershirt.  This kid is crying out for a makeover.  Nick, write me, I’ll help you, seriously.The producers obviously put Nick up to asking Bethenny’s advice on his love life.  His girlfriend just left him because he’s an admitted stage five clinger.  Bethenny recommended internet dating like it was some sort of novel concept.  Trust, those resembling Nick have had a lot of interesting experiences with the internet.  Bethenny dished clichéd advice between bites, and Nick politely thanked her for stating the obvious.  An insightful guy, Food God Nick must be using her for fame, because there is no way he doesn’t see her for the insipid, self-important twat she is.

Bethenny Ever After: $120 Million Dollar Baby?

Bethenny and Jason needed a new nanny since Gina left to convalesce after her surgery.  Their top choice is a woman named Dawa.  Born in India and of Tibetan descent, Dawa must be genetically calm or some such racist shit according to her new employers.After butchering her four letter name repeatedly, Bethenny and Jason gave Dawa the grand tour of the nursery and pantry.  Bethenny in particular put on a high-drama neurotic show for the cameras.  No wonder ratings are way down this season.  Truthfully, this mundane shit is dreadfully dull.Dawa informed Bethenny that she doubles as a hair dresser, so Bethenny got a blowout from the new two-for nanny.  Not sure how long ago Dawa werked weaves in India but her technique and finish on the blowout left much room for improvement.  Stick to burping babes Dawa.Over dinner, Jason told Bethenny that sales of Skinnygirl expanded from 13 states to 40.  She contemplated the future sale of Skinnygirl and revealed that several companies that had previously turned her down were now begging to buy her out.  No doubt a satisfying moment for Bethenny, but it is disappointing to think the same people that doubted her are now financially profiting from her idea.Speaking of sell outs, a few episodes back we discussed the sale of Skinnygirl to Beam, and at the time the sale price was undisclosed.  Recently, several outlets from the Wall Street Journal to Wendy Williams reported Bethenny sold Skinnygirl for $120 million.  Does that officially make her the richest Housewife?  (Bitch please, spin-off or not she’ll always be a Housewife.)  The timing of the sale makes sense because Bethenny officially peaked awhile ago, even if she continues to fight against her inevitable decline.Despite her public bitch fight with Johnny Weir (Team Johnny!), Bethenny made it all the way to The Skating with the Stars finale show by riding a wave of drunken Skinnygirl fan support.  To properly prepare, Bethenny rented a beachfront house in Malibu and invited Ethan over for a Mexican fiesta and tabletop dance.Bethenny keeps hinting that a move to California is around the corner.  Can we look forward to a new cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly HillsBethenny and Kyle go way back, so the notion isn’t that far afield.  Plant the seed ya’ll.

Bethenny Ever After: Becoming Bernadette

This episode of Bethenny Ever After started in Dr. Amador’s office and flashed back through the previous week of escalating crazy.  Bravo should have structured the entire season this way and re-titled it Narcissist in the City.  Rumors circulate about Bethenny exercising EP power to have portions of the episodes re-edited so she appears more likable.  If that’s true, you have to wonder what this episode looked like before it was softened.  So without further ado, let us commence the countdown to BFrank’s big breakdown.First up, Gina informed Bethenny that she was having surgery at the end of the week, and therefore their time must come to an end.  Through tears, the two tried to envision a future apart.  After claiming G as family, Bethenny seemed mostly concerned about a replacement nanny and how this crisis might inconvenience her skating schedule.  Bethenny didn’t offer support, financial or otherwise, to Gina at any point in the conversation.  This is how rich people treat their help “family?”The whole family arrived in L.A. for Bethenny’s debut performance on Skating with the StarsJason and Bethenny drove around Beverly Hills and contemplated which area of L.A. might suit them best for a future move.  The two stopped at an empty house for sale and jumped the fence.  Feeling ultra-rebellious at first, they soon started to panic.  Getting back over the fence proved even less graceful, and Jason complained of a thumb injury while hoisting B up and over in her thigh-high boots – the worst footwear possible for a stealth breaking and entering.Bethenny performed beautifully for her first-ever televised skating routine.  Was she stiff and stifled?  A little, but as a premiere showing, she did better than the 5s she received from the judges.  Out the gate, she failed to evoke any good will from the panel.  Before the judges comments, the public criticism aspect of the competition obviously hadn’t dawned on Bethenny.  Getting picked apart like that ain’t easy.  When the feedback wasn’t all roses and sunshine, her spirit palpably plummeted.

Back in NYC, Chef Bethenny prepped for Bryn’s first Thanksgiving.  Due to technical difficulties, the turkey wasn’t cooked through and Bethenny started snapping at everyone’s attempts to console her.  Julie, Jason, the Grandparents Hoppy, and even the ancillary ghub got the sharp end of her Scorpio stinger.  When she finished screaming at her guests, Bethenny stormed off to her bedroom to pop a Xanax pout.Back to the therapist couch, Dr. Amador asked Bethenny what Thanksgiving was like for her growing up.  Bethenny said her Mom (Bernadette serving a little Priscilla Presley below) was a really good cook, but a perfectionist.  If for any reason things weren’t perfect, according to Bethenny her Mom would flip out.The phrase “walking on eggshells” popped up several times in this episode, and it dawned on Bethenny that she recreated the very scenario she resented growing up.“I end up sucking a lot of energy out of the room, and when I’m not happy it ends up being quite contagious.”The paradigm-shifting epiphany sent Bethenny into an existential tailspin where she recognized how she mirrored Bernadette in so many ways.  And like so many others before her, Bethenny was horrified at the realization that she too had become her mother.Think how distressed she’ll be when she realizes in about 30 years Bryn will be having the exact same nauseating moment of self-awareness.

Bethenny Ever After: Baroness of Booze

This week’s episode commenced with a death spiral and that’s not a cheeky reference to Bethenny and Jason’s relationship.  Props to Bethenny for her major skating progress.  All that yoga has clearly paid off.Next Bethenny took her badly dressed hubby to Scoop for new jeans where salesboy Gavyn read Jason to filth for his antiquated denim taste.  While Jason took his sweet-ass time trying on options, Bethenny talked shit about his genetically inherited cheap streak.Gavyn summed it up like only a bitchy queen can when he said snidely, “He’s only buying one?  After all that?”  Then he huffed, rolled his eyes at the breeders, and stomped off with an attitude to check his Blackberry.  God Bless Gavyn.In order to address Skinnygirl production issues, Bethenny and Jason flew private to Montreal.  After the requisite mile-high club innuendos, the two tucked into a spread of salad and fruit.Montreal is so fantastic, right?  The couple enjoyed the gorgeous city and strolled the streets.  An ornament store caught their attention.  Bethenny came down with tchotchke fever and insisted on investing in a snow globe against Jason’s better judgment.Bethenny plays on Jason’s sympathies to manipulate him into getting what she wants.  Last week she rationalized her bad birthday behavior by relying heavily on her whoa-is-me youth.  This week she used her snow-globe-deprived childhood to justify wasting money on hideous knick-knacks.  Officially an adult for well over twenty years, Bethenny continues to get a lot of mileage out of her “tragic” childhood.Now that Bethenny thinks she’s got everything figured out from her woo woo place of yes, she’s making broad generalizations about all women.  Over drinks, she declared, “Every woman goes out to get married.”Ooooohhhhhhhhhh really Bethenny?  EVERY woman schemes for a ring, huh?  A good number of women could give a fuck about a ring, so she can chill with the sweeping statements.  Furthermore, her overconfidence in her own union might come back to bite her in the ass.  Bethenny sounds like the Cuntess with all this sanctimony.And one other thing, this tequila-soaked slop looks cross-eyed every time she drinks out of straw.  Need a funnel B?The next day the booze baroness took a visit to the Skinnygirl bottling plant.  Bethenny was blown away at seeing her vision come to fruition.  Apparently, there was a glass shortage?  Bullshit detector go off on that one?  White dude in a suit kept serving up excuses which did not legitimately account for the significant production delays.  Bethenny was too stunned by the whole factory to see the forest for the trees and let the piss-poor performance issues slide.Back on the factory floor, Bethenny reveled in the enormous scale of Skinnygirl.  She and Jason then spent several minutes reenacting key scenes from Laverne & Shirley.Bethenny took a moment and reflected on her boozy success.  Credit goes to her for breaking into the hard liquor market – an almost exclusively male arena.  Recently, Bethenny sold Skinnygirl to Beam Global Spirits & Wine in the hopes of greatly expanding distribution.  Bethenny claims the partnership will allow her to still remain integrally involved and develop new products.So you want to know how much the deal was worth?  Such details haven’t been publicly disclosed, but chances are it wasn’t enough.  The phrases “lump sum” and “multi-year agreement” have made their way through the rumor mill.  However, unless that lump sum was somewhere in the $50 million range, she likely sold herself way too short.  Another question, who owns her new cocktail ideas?  Think Beam has Bethenny’s back?