Tag Archives: Bethenny Frankel

Plug It In?

ALEX AND SIMONThink waaay back to season one of The Real Housewives of New York City.  There’s a moment when Alex, Simon, and Bethenny are standing around gossiping about Ramona’s reaction to Alex adding her husband Simon to “girl’s night.”  Alex defends Simon’s attendance at the dinner and makes some stupid remark about discussing vibrators in mixed company.  To paraphrase, “What’s the problem?  Just plug it in.”  In a subsequent interview segment Bethenny shrieks nasally, “Plug?! Plug?!  Like what era are you in?!”WAND MASSAGERWhat I’ve learned about vibrators as of late applies equally to power tools of any kind.  A cordless will work in a pinch or when convenience necessitates, but if you want the type of power that completes the job professionally with efficient ease then plug into the grid.  Plug-in vibrators never tire, rarely overheat, and don’t require constant battery replacement.  Plus, many innocently double as damn good massagers for sore muscles.    SINCLAIR INSTITUTE SELECT

bye-bye BETHENNY

BETHENNY CANCELLEDWe all knew it was coming.  I hate to say “I told you so” Bethenny, but your shitty show was circling the drain.  Finally, the daytime dud has been officially euthanized.  You can guess what’s coming next, right?  That Skinnygirl restaurant chain you’ve all been waiting for?  I bet she puts frozen peas in the guacamole.  The woman has an irrational fear of avocado fat. BETHENNY GUAC

4 for Friday: Travel. Renew. Wait. Waste.

7 MILE BEACHThis time of year has me contemplating white sandy beaches.  Last year it was Hawaii.  This year I’m thinking the Caribbean.  Do I go cheap and sketchy (Jamaica, Dominican Republic) or pay more for the false security of the USVI?  I hate to be a neo-colonialist paranoid asshole, but I also don’t want a side order of sexual assault or armed robbery with my fun in the sun.  JAMAICAAfter visiting in person this fall, I predicted Bethenny’s shit talk show would not see a season 2.  Still no clear word on renewal, though there have been rumors of a retooling that would take the focus off celebrities and down shift into conflict (via naughtybutnicerob).  From the look of it, the show isn’t expensive to produce, so she does have that going for her.  However, I don’t think conflict confrontation/resolution is the right direction for her to go in season 2.  She shines when she sticks to her strengths: remaking recipes, debating diet experts, and confronting unlikable reality stars.  Can you stretch that into 5 shows a week and keep it fresh?BETHENNY FRANKELDid you watch Downton Abbey?  Many of you are catching this season for the first time as it airs on American television.  Some criticized the first episode of the season describing it as boring and repetitious.  Stay tuned.  A major moment of violence changes everything downstairs.  When the scene aired in the U.K., it had the fans atwitter in anger.DOWNTON ABBEYI’m going to say what nobody else in the Coven has the nerve to – that was a shameful waste of Steve NicksSTEVIE NICKS AHS

 

20 Questions on Bethenny

Here’s what I would want to know….BETHENNY TIX1) How did you get tickets?  It was pretty easy.  I just went online and requested a date.  I got it.  You don’t find out very far in advance – maybe two weeks, so if travel is involved understand it may be a last minute thing.OUTSIDE BETHENNY2) Was the Bethenny show well-organized?  Bethenny always says that business is all about the execution, so I was curious if her talk show would run like a well-0iled machine.  With regard to ticket reservations, I found the process easy and organized.  The day of the show we lined up in front outside at 8 am.  I would not recommend requesting tickets in the dead of winter for this reason.  Semi-enthusiastic (but definitely nice) PA’s wandered up and down the line confirming reservations and trying desperately to get folks to participate in the filming in some capacity.  We waited approximately thirty minutes or maybe longer before getting shuffled through a basic security screening.  In the hallway, was this lady…  BETHENNY HALLWAY LADYFrom there we were put in a holding room, signed waivers, watched a looped Bethenny production video, and met our fluffer.  The fluffer is the stand-up comedienne who must rally the crowd into a frenzy for Mizz Frankel.  An intense bathroom line formed.  Walkie-talkies were used to communicate the comings and goings of bathroom users.  After another hour or so in the holding pen, we were lined up by number and seated in the studio.  HOLDING PEN3) What was the studio like?  Like a Pottery Barn Teen catalog. BETHENNY STUDIOBETHENNY STUDIO 24) Were the security guards hot?  Yes. HOT SECURITYFLUFFER5) Tell me more about this fluffer?DANCE FLUFFThe fluffer was a cute female comic who’s name I totally forget – sorry.  She led a dance party.  Audience members got up and danced.  Some were good.  Most were not.  The best turns were those that involved humping various staff members.  T-shirts were given out.  Gaga was played.  We clapped.  We cheered.  We gave good enthusiasm.  Then it just drug on a little long because Bethenny was late and all of our collective excitement began to wane.  STAFF DANCE6) Anything interesting to steal?  Yes.  Thank you for asking.  I did steal something.  Before the show started, one page typed sheets of paper were dispersed among the audience.  BETHENNY ONE PAGEThis is a cut and paste from a PageSix story that ran that morning.  Bethenny claimed that 85% of the audience didn’t believe it was true.  BULLSHIT on that poll.  Who is going to tell her staff – “yeah, it’s all true.”  We all know that the contents of these stories are never entirely true or entirely false.  PAGE SIX NOV 5BETHENNY PAGE SIX READ7) How did the show kick-off?  Bethenny began with a pre-taped backstage moment where she reflects on the story mentioned above reading it line by line out loud saying “TRUE” or “FALSE” after each sentence.  PAGE SIX READ 28) What was your first impression of Bethenny?  When she finally bounced out I was relieved she didn’t spend the first minute awkwardly dancing and lip-synching to her own theme music.  She launched into her opening monologue.  I read the monitor.  It said, “take down phase.”  Bethenny views herself as some sort of pariah.  Everybody’s after her, dontcha know?  BETHENNY INTRO9)Was Bethenny skinny?  Yes, alarmingly so!  Her legs are pretty much the same circumference from her calves to her mid-thigh.  Her arms are super thin and the skin is saggy.  Her tits are waaay too big for her frame.

10) What did she wear?  She wore a very short, flared, animal-print skirt in keeping with that tulip silhouette she favors, very high YSL knock-off heels and a black sweater that was a little too big.  When sitting, her skirt bordered on too short.BETHENNY BODY11) Was she pretty in person?  Yes, Bethenny is striking in person.  Her bone structure is quite dominant.  She has a lovely complexion.  She had fake hair in, but her own hair looked good too.  Her face could benefit from five extra pounds on her frame.   BETHENNY PRETTY12) Who were the guests?  The LylasBruno Mars’ sisters in a girl group.  They have a new show on WE that I won’t be watching.  Food Network Star Big Daddy made pork chops in a food segment.  Finally, Char Margolis served up weird and uncomfortable psychic readings in the final two segments.  THE LYLAS13) What was the theme of the show? Mending relationships.  LYLAS BETHENNY14) Bruno Mars‘ sisters?  Yeah.  Bruno Mars‘ sisters.  One of these women has a 14 year old child!  Bethenny led them through a shallow, empty interview before turning on the audience for some cooked up “sister questions.”  SISTER QUESTIONS15) Were the cameras on you?  Yes.  Sometimes they would come veryclose.  I felt my face twitching.  I tried to sit up straight.  BETHENNY AUDIENCE QUESTIONS16) What was your impression of Bethenny? After ample reflection, it boils down to this: we met Bethenny on a reality show where she was a sarcastic, cynical, snarky bitch, and many of us loved her for it.  On the talk show, she’s serving us Katie-fucking-Couric and it’s totally disingenuous.  She is clearly not in a good place in her life.  She’s depleted.  Watching her trying to fake fun made me tired.  This talk show is not the right format or tone to display Bethenny’s talents. BETHENNY TALKS17) Could Big Daddy cook?  Big Daddy was super personable and it is easy to see why he won Next Food Network Star.  That said, the cooking segment was a bit of a shit show on her part and extra takes had to be completed for editing.  She chewed that one bite of pork chop for 2 minutes straight, as she kept saying how delicious it was.  It must have been tough as shoe leather. BIG DADDY

CHAR AND BETHENNY18) So what about the psychic Char Margolis?  I have mixed feelings on Char Margolis.  In the lineup outside, staffers solicited people who wanted to communicate with a departed loved-one.  That seems a little staged, no?  When she read Bethenny, Char used B for Bobby – which everybody knows is Bethenny’s father.  She also used the cliche “when you fall off the horse get back on” – it’s commonly known Bobby was in the horse business.   Char did come out the pocket with dead aunt Rose for a “confirmation,” so maybe there’s some merit to what she does.  My friend Lisa was very offended at Char’s handling of the in-vitro girl and I’m inclined to agree that the psychic was insensitive during the reading. INVITRO GIRL19) Any behind the scenes gossip?BETHENNY SMALL AND BLURRYBethenny fucked up alot and was hard on herself when she did make a mistake.  She looked sad, tired, and off.  She seemed genuinely rattled by her father’s presence.  We weren’t allowed to take pictures when Bethenny was in there.  These last few I took stealthy-style as she was on her way out (that’s why she is small and blurry).  My friend Wendy mentioned she was disappointed Bethenny didn’t stick around to sign books or grease any of her fans’ palms. BETHENNY EXIT20) Would you recommend the Bethenny experience?  I doubt very seriously that this rather amateurish production would get extended a second chance.  The beaten down staff acted like they were counting their days.  Go if you are curious about Bethenny and have four hours to kill in NYC.  If you have aspirations to be on TV, it wouldn’t be hard at all to get some face time on this show.  Trust me when I tell you they are obviously desperate to fill time. BYE BETHENNY

It Airs Today, Ya’ll

OUTSIDE BETHENNYI can’t wait to tell you everything about my experience at Bethenny’s show. Watch today, and we’ll talk tomorrow.BETHENNY STAGEBETHENNY SHOW

Today…..

NYC BANKSY RATI’m in NYC.JUMPI’m going to see…SHRILL BETHENNY…while I’m here. BETHENNY GOSSIPI will have lots of gossip for you in a day or two.  BETHENNY TALK SHOW

Wednesday’s Watercooler

AHS THE COVEN VOODOOFinally, the Coven gathers tonight.  Let the stylized ritual killings of teenage girls begin!    AHS COVEN PROMOKRIS AND BRUCE BITTERNESSI am embarrassed to admit I am little sad over the inevitable Bruce and Kris divorce news.  I find the whole Kardashian sham oddly comforting.  The fuzzy edged intersection between orchestrated and organic in this family still fascinates me a little.KARDASHIAN JENNERBETHENNY AND ELLENIf you want to see her trainwreck of a talk show, better get to Bethenny before she gets cancelled.  Almost everyday a new story surfaces from a new unnamed source talking smack about all the backstage drama.  We hear the ratings are crap, Bethenny can’t book guests (ya’ll Jill Zarin and Alex McCord allegedly turned her down), and there’s even chatter Ellen wants her named dropped from Bethenny’s credits.  The pervasive negative press proves she’s obviously pissed off a disloyal member of her camp who continues to leak stories to fan the fire.  Good thing she has all that booze money to cushion her fall from daytime. BETHENNY NO

 

Bad Bethenny

BETHENNY PREMIEREI watched it all of twice, so I’m totally entitled and confident in stating that Bethenny’s talk show is unequivocally bad.  She kicked off her premiere nation-wide launch by swishing, clapping, and lip-synching her own theme song.  This went on for a good 2 minutes of awkward.  Then she launched into an intro monologue comprised of a series of self-empowerment clichés strung together – Pay it forward! – We shall overcome!  This from a woman who got her start bitchfighting with other women on cable tv.  Throughout the self-centered litany, she peppered “it’s not about me” in an obvious attempt to persuade herself and the audience that the show entitled Bethenny was not about her.  (Bitch Please, when you were on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen the magic word was “I” and you narcissistic bitches said it 89 times!)  Then Mizz Frankel closed out the introduction with a pathetic and unnecessary update on her messy divorce.BETHENNY OPENING MOMENTBethenny seems to think that 10 am dick talk is somehow fresh and irreverent.  The truth is the traditional talk show format feels deeply antiquated.  Bethenny fails to offer anything novel that we haven’t seen before on episodes of her flash-in-the pan predecessors.BETHENNY MAN PANELLike Rachel Ray in her nascent hosting days, Bethenny hasn’t quite figured out that she doesn’t need to yell through the whole program.  Her voice is as nasally, shrill, and annoying as ever and the shouting only serves to amplify her worst vocal qualities.  Nails on a chalkboard would be a welcome release.  It is obvious why network higher-ups were allegedly concerned about her likability.SHRILL BETHENNYBethenny mingles with her well-coached adoring “fans” seated strategically in the audience.  She manically lunges at them with mic in hand and serves out advice to her Skinnygirl disciples through a stretched face smile-sneer.BETHENNY FRANKEL SMILE SNEERPhysically, Bethenny looks better than she ever has.  She wears the gloss of luck rather well.  Though she’s currently in the midst of a huge opportunity where she must prove herself publicly, and therefore carries herself with a great deal of self-awareness.  Bethenny’s martini glass appears to be brimming with good fortune, but when observing her cup of plenty there is an undeniable rim of sadness around the boozestress that not even a top-notch lighting crew can disguise.BETHENNY SAD, BUT AIRBRUSHED

 

The Most Annoying Question

I am not a fan of chitchat.  To paraphrase Bethenny Frankel (sorry), I don’t like small talk, I like big talk.  Perhaps the most annoying question – more annoying than “where are you from?” or “what do you do?” is – What kind of music do you listen to?I fucking loathe this question for a myriad of reasons.  First, when asked my mind inevitably goes blank, and all I can think of is Bob Marley.  This answer is almost as annoying as the question because who the fuck doesn’t like Bob MarleySecond, it’s a loaded fucking question.  The asker is really leveraging this question to bathe you in judgment.  For example, if you say indie, then you become Indie and all that it implies.  The most commonly tired-ass trite answer to this question is, “…anything but country.”  But for those hedgers, I have one word for you: Jolene.   If you go super obscure, you risk looking like a try-hard douche, and if you answer Maroon 5, then you are a douche. Third, the people who like to ask this grating question also like to follow it up with a pop-quiz.  Oh, you like techno, have you heard the new Trentemøller?  (Word of advice, if you must answer this dreadful question don’t ever answer with “techno” even if you fucking love techno).  Oh, you like The White Stripes, have you heard Jack White’s new solo album?  These questions just become an opportunity for the asker to act like an all-knowing asshole.  Asking someone’s music taste is a generic inquiry and answering it is rife with potential dignity issues.  Nobody really cares what kind of music anybody listens to anyway, so let’s all come up with some new thinly-veiled opportunity for judgment.