Bravo wrung every last drop out of this season of the RHNY, finally putting it to rest by airing unseen clips repackaged as “lost footage.”
Sonja accompanied Ramona to get her sweat glands eradicated by ultrasound. Note the Tru Renewal in the waiting room, even Dr. Giese is on the payroll. 
Sonja turned gray as Dr. Giese jabbed a metal rod in and out of Ramona’s armpit. Sonja compared the scene to a veal chop, and Ramona replied that she was getting hungry. The staff brought Sonja a juice box to help her through the trauma of witnessing the gruesome procedure. 
The nausea continued to build as we followed Jill and Bobby into Chopard. Jill fixated on a rose gold 1.79 diamond carat watch (conservatively $25-30,000.00) whining like Veruca Salt that “she waaaanted it!” Hoping to extend her good fortune, she requested the salesmen bring over a necklace too! When the salivating salesmen brought over a 10 carat flawless diamond ring priced at $3.7 million, Bobby started to turn as gray as Sonja did during Ramona’s surgery. Jill declared she always gets screwed because her birthday, the holidays, and their anniversary come one after another and she gets “combined gifts.” Yeah, combined gifts worth over $30,000!
Sonja apparently got her liposuction, and Kelly stopped by to see her in her post-operative convalescence. Kelly brought Sonja a “cleanse” to inspire her to take better (non-surgical) care of herself. Kelly then got all sanctimonious and said, “I want you to tell your daughter that you were too lazy to work out and got liposuction.” Preach Kelly! P.S. if you want to see some sloppy-ass editing watch this scene again, the cleanse is on the bed in a shot before Kelly gives it to Sonja. This shit is totally The Hills, cougar-style.
Kelly and Ramona worked out together in St. John. Kelly kept the elliptical on level three as she talked Ramona’s ear off. Ramona ignored her while she tried to concentrate on her five lbs shoulder presses. Kelly, a genetic freak at six feet tall, has no idea of what it takes to maintain a real woman’s body. Nice forearm plank Ramona, werk!
Sonja, Jen, Alex, and Simon gathered in Times Square for the reveal of Bethenny’s I’d Rather Go Naked campaign. Whatever. PETA is so super fucking hypocritical I can’t even get started, but that’s a discush for another day. 
Bethenny annoyingly mugged for the cameras as Sonja confessed her jealousy by admitting she wished she was up there. Sonja’s honesty is so unusual and refreshing, no?
Most of the girls showed for Ramona’s birthday party at the Chat Noir. Kelly and Jill took it upon themselves to rearrange the place cards. Ramona lost her shit because it was a rude and presumptuous move. That said, can we just sit where we want to sit please? Enough with the control-freak seating chart shit – it’s so antiquated.
We wrapped at the Reunion where we learned the Countess has a record deal, Kelly’s working on some top-secret shit, Jill got a hobby – a bedding line, Sonja’s returning to her relaxed lifestyle, Silex is working a summer book tour, Ramona’s enjoying her renewal, and Bethenny declared now it’s all about Bryn and Jason. I think this is the last time we will see this incarnation of the ladies together. Adieu materialistic shrews, we will miss you. 
Off the bat we got a juicy bit of gossip regarding the St. John trip. Apparently, Kelly was asked to leave and was escorted home by a producer back to the mainland. Kelly got bounced from Scary Island ya’ll. 
Kelly returned from her self-imposed time out and continued to play the victim card. In a never ending tautology, Sonja, Ramona, and Bethenny denied picking on her, and Kelly continued to accuse them of bullying. Ramona yelled at her like she was deaf, “NO ONE WAS MEAN TO YOU!” However, no amount of reasoning, yelling, or gesticulation appeared to sway the perpetual hair twirler’s perspective.
Ramona yelled at Jill for not apologizing upon arrival and got a little showy with her charade skills in the process. 
Sonja commented that while they did throw out a friend, it was rude for Jill to show up unannounced. It is rude to show up without calling, but when a guest arrives you really need to make the best of it. As Kelly would say, make lemons out of lemonade. 
Countess LuAnn proved elegance is learned when she spoke frankly about the challenges of the last couple years. She refused to directly comment on the infidelity rumors, but I don’t think we care if she boinked behind the Count’s back. The smug, anti-Semitic prick probably deserved it. Please note, however, no matter how intense things get, the Countess NEVER cries. That bitch has one stiff upper lip. 
Kelly Bensimon reminds us why models really should keep their pie holes shut. Kelly, as a model, peaked eons ago, but that was her contribution. That’s really all she has to give, so you really shouldn’t be surprised she’s a moron. When Andy rolled her montage, all the scenes of her nonsense pieced together emphasized the depth of her idiocy. She ain’t crazy; she’s just really, really, dumb. 
The reunion trifecta ended with Jill pathetically pleading with Bethenny for a hug. Jill repeated “I really miss you,” through tears, to which Bethenny coldly responded, “I know.”
Andy didn’t miss a beat, and we picked up right where we left off on part 1 of the reunion. I hear this marathon of crazy was taped over an eight hour period. 
Alex and Bethenny said Jill only wanted to make up with Bethenny because she looked bad on TV. Jill admitted that she didn’t want to be the one who appeared to antagonize the pregnant engaged girl. 
In the first segment, Jill just bent over and took it up the ass. Ramona reiterated that Jill tried to talk the Housewives out of filming with Bethenny in an effort to sabotage her show. Unsurprisingly, this anti-filming angle is common practice among the cast since a gathering of more than one Housewife exponentially increases the chances the footage will make the cut. Jill straight up admitted she was wrong, and as a result never looked classier. The barrage of criticism became so intense that Bethenny stepped in to relieve the poor dead horse of its suffering.
Segment two introduced newest Housewife Sonja Morgan and her overactive cougar crotch. Her oversexed video montage seemed out of place amid all the other catfight videos, but it did provide a little levity in a sea of conflict laden exchanges. Let’s take this opportunity to praise Sonja for making the decision to keep her daughter entirely off the show. While she may come off a little vapid, her parenting decision on this point is both thoughtful and responsible. 
Andy rolled footage of all the malapropisms the Housewives busted out this season. Since malapropisms fall from these dumb bitches’ lips like leaves off a tree in autumn, the montage was pretty long and included gems like: 
The final segment started the discush of Scary Island (AKA St. John, I’m sure their board of tourism is thrilled). We learned that Kelly’s breakdown was actually way more severe and major then what aired. Since Bravo has no soul, their exercise of self-restraint in the editing room speaks to the true intensity of the meltdown. 
Kelly recounted her totally fictional account of “systematic bullying” while the other ladies wondered what fucking trip she went on. She claimed there was some sort of island intervention with Bethenny. I’m intrigued. More information please. 
Along this line, the highlight of part 2 of the reunion came when Kelly said in reference to St. John, “I was forced by Bravo to go on the trip.” Andy responded, “That’s not true, but I appreciate it, but it’s not true.” Kelly then snapped back “everybody knows that and…” Andy interrupted, this time with some gay sass, “That’s not true.” Kelly then says “Andy it is true though, but thank you I appreciate that.” I’m over Bethenny and Jill, this snark between Kelly and Andy was the most unexpected zing of the show. You gotta love it when the ladies air Bravo’s dirty laundry. 
The Countess pointed out that Kelly instigated much of the conflict and didn’t follow the program in St. John. Bethenny followed up unleashing on her saying she has psychological and emotional problems. With that, Kelly walked off the stage….
Bethenny was invited to walk in the annual Heart Truth Red Dress Fashion Show to raise awareness for heart disease. This event resulted in major red lipstick/red dress overkill. Red dress, nude lip please. 
In general, Bethenny does look good in red; however, a belly cradle is not a runway walk. Just walk bitch, save the cutesy shit for your lame Learning Annex lectures. 
Afterward, she went shamelessly trolling for compliments from Jason before turning into a four year old when he inevitably told her she did great. What does Jason know about runway anyway? He tucks his button-downs into his jeans.
Upholding her Skinny Girl values, Bethenny ate cake and icing for breakfast as she and Jason discussed adding an addition to Team Bethenny in the way of a new assistant. We also got to see their new apartment in Tribeca which has a connecting office for Bethenny’s biznass. 
Bethenny interviewed several candidates for the position, including an intellectual food-writer and a few gays, before settling on hot, straight, Jewish Max. Cookie basically made the decision by curling up at Max’s feet instead of attacking him like she did every other candidate. If Bethenny fails to discipline Bryn like Cookie, that kid is screwed.
At Megu, Bethenny and Jason put down half the animal kingdom while discussing their impending nuptials. They agreed to a relatively small wedding (40 guests each), but Jason was hesitant and emphasized that his friends and family’s presence was important to him. Then the two argued over whether Jason could watch the watermelon shoot out the cannon. Jason wanted to see the baby born and Bethenny wanted to keep her cooch concealed; neither anticipated her guts would be laid out on a table during an emergency C-section.
Bethenny confessed that she was planning on seeing a therapist to help her cope with her father’s death and all the changes in her life. Then Jason declared, “I think if you’re a couple and you need to go to counseling, it’s over.” This relationship is so fucked, seriously. It really doesn’t appear that these two agree on anything. Before you know it, Bethenny will be doing a reality show as a New York single career mom à la Kelly Cutrone. 
Cut to Bethenny arriving at Dr. Amador’s office, camera crew in tow, to reveal her deepest feelings about the loss of her family, her relationship, and pregnancy. Bethenny admitted that Jason wants people around all the time and she doesn’t. Dr. Amador inquired as to Bethenny’s parents, and she disclosed that she more or less has been out of touch with her parents since she was fifteen and never really had a relationship with her dad. She confessed that even on his deathbed, her father failed to acknowledge her in a way she desperately needed him to for closure. Dr. Amador concluded, “If I had the experience you described I’d be terrified of relationships.” 
Max showed up for his first day of work, and Jason came in to beat his chest and mark his turf. After giving Max a little grief, the two bonded and ended up fist bumping much to Bethenny’s chagrin. Would you hang a picture of your bare ass in your office? Just asking.
Jason reminded Bethenny he was leaving for Florida the next day and she panicked over the housewarming party. Jason’s life-long friend was coming into town, and Bethenny didn’t want him and his girlfriend to stay at their apartment. Bethenny, as a New Yorker, have you not realized that house guests are a part of urban living? She totally over-reacted and unleashed her pregnant pit-bull attack on Jason in the kitchen. They argued over the issue all the way to the jeweler to select their wedding bands before they agreed to shelve the argument during the shopping. 
Since Bethenny explicitly mentioned the name of the jeweler, the rings were probably free or deeply discounted. Therefore, Bethenny’s statements about paying off the rings were totally disingenuous. Me no likey that fake ass shit.
Bethenny prepped for the gathering and complained about having to meet the expectations of guests attending a chef’s party. While she and her gay Chuck hassled Max over his metrosexuality, Bethenny received a call from Jason as the camera panned to ominous snowy weather.
Jason dropped the news that he was not going to make it in time for the party, and this threw Bethenny into full on hysteria. You already have a fucking camera crew living at your house Bethenny, what are a few more friends? Woman up, get over it, put on a smile, and host the shit out of the party. 
Bethenny’s discomfort manifested itself as mania, and she prattled a little too loud and fast to all the guests as they arrived. 
In another sign this relationship is doomed, Riccio, Jason’s best man, clearly hated Bethenny as she interrupted and dismissed him to talk about herself. Bethenny complains that fame went to Jill’s head, but it is moments like these where Bethenny proves just how self-important and unlikable she’s become. 
Alex and Simon brought a housewarming orchid (nice touch), and Alex offered to throw Bethenny a wedding/baby shower. 
Jason called to apologize to the group for missing the party. Bethenny admitted all the drama was in her head, but his friends looked truly uncomfortable that they had been left alone with the megalomaniacal reality star.
The first two segments of the reunion rehashed old boring battles; the meat of the matter came down to Jill and Bethenny. The tension started to build after Bethenny’s film montage when Andy turned his attention to the expectant Mrs. Hoppy to discuss all the big changes in her life. Jill trampled over Bethenny’s time, adding her unwelcomed yenta commentary where it didn’t belong. Bethenny tried to politely ignore the intrusion as Jill interrogated her about her pregnancy gain, commented on her boobs, and declared America would hate her for losing her baby weight so fast. 
Bethenny got some shit for taking her pregnancy test on camera. She justified her conduct by saying the audience would feel cheated if she didn’t show it. Bethenny, rest assured, no one wants to watch you pee on a stick. Fame has clearly has gone to this bitch’s head.
Jill’s film montage came next, and clip after clip of her bad behavior had her in tears before Andy had a chance to fling any questions her way. She admitted she didn’t like who she was this season (you and me both Jill). After first rationalizing her behavior over the season, she ultimately apologized and expressed regret. She summed up by professing her love for Bethenny and stated her hope for a future friendship.
Bethenny turned and told Jill she was going to tell her straight, never a good sign coming from a Scorpio. Bethenny began a long tabulation of Jill’s character flaws including accusations that: fame had gone to her head, she wanted everything to be about her, she resented all the good things that were happening to Bethenny, she lorded it over Bethenny that she got her on the show, and she keeps track of gifts. It was truly an exhausting litany. 
The real humdinger was when Bethenny busted out some solid gold gossip with the accusation that Jill told Ramona and Alex not to film with her in an attempt to “sabotage her show.” Alex reinforced the notion by adding that it seemed like Jill tried to cut Bethenny out of Housewives. Bethenny jumped in and said that Jill only tried to mend their relationship when her plan went south. 
The conversation hit a brick wall when Bethenny said that Jason doesn’t like Jill, and she’s not willing to restructure her life to find a place for Jill in it. Jill said she missed Bethenny and walked off the stage… 
In the single most insightful statement of her life, Kelly closed it out by saying “the obsession with fame is embarrassing.”
“Bethenny also claimed she wouldn’t play the pregnancy card, but that’s all she’s done in the press all season. I know, I know, you all love Bethenny. And that’s fine. You can love her. You don’t know her… I’m meeting all the same reporters, producers and even make-up artists that Bethenny regularly interacts with. And they all have the same thing to say: ‘She used to be a fun, regular girl, but after she got successful, she became a total bitch.’ I know she acts sweet to her fans on Twitter, but as an insider, I’m here to tell you, it’s an act. She is not sweet. She is calculating and cold.”
This week on the season finale, Jill and Bethenny finally sat down for their long-awaited confrontation at Le Cirque. Jill nervously prattled on doing her usual yenta small talk shtick before she eventually got down to it.
She weakly apologized for not being ready to accept Bethenny’s apology at Ramona’s (which is basically a bullshit non-apology). Bethenny found the small talk more unnerving than confrontation, so she dove in and labeled Jill disloyal and the disintegration of the relationship equivalent to divorce.
Neither of the two wanted to dredge up the past, but unless they level with each other the relationship can’t move on. Jill can throw as many potato latkes at the situation as she wants, but Bethenny doesn’t give a fuck. Scorpios never let things go.
Bethenny, a cold-hearted bitch to the core, didn’t even soften in the face of Jill’s prostrate humility. Mostly because Bethenny believed that Jill’s motives were more self-serving than sincerely contrite.
At La Pomme, the Cuntess busted out her glitter pants for the big debut of her new single Money Can’t Buy You Class.
We finally got to meet LuAnn’s new boyfriend, the French Fonze. The Cuntess bubbled with mid-life puppy love for her new beau as she proudly introduced him around the crowd.
As for the performance, it sounded like the Cuntess sang over a vocal track, and for a second I thought I had accidentally switched to RuPaul’s Drag Race.
We met up with Bethenny and Jason moving out of her UES apartment in favor of larger Soho cohabited square footage. This segment proved that Bethenny’s been holding out all season. Should we resent the fact that she’s obviously saved all the good stuff for her spin off?
Jill surprised Ramona to congratulate her and provide the requisite pre-ceremony fawning. Jill said something worth emphasizing.
Despite vow renewal fatigue, Ramona and Mario moved the crowd to tears with words of their devotion. Avery was skeptical about her Mom’s intentions for this vow renewal, but Ramona managed to wring some sincere sentiment from the event.
Waterworks aside, a woman in her fifties prancing down a staircase in a feathered white wedding gown is a definite dignity issue. Do I even need to comment on the fucking dog?
The matrimonial outpouring of emotion triggered a chain reaction at the reception, and one by one the ladies coupled up to reconcile their differences.
Kelly and Ramona bonded over a book of St. John photos Kelly put together. Nice gesture Kelly, way to wrap things up on a good note.
Bethenny pulled Ramona and Alex aside and spewed a bunch of emotional back-handed compliments about how surprised she was they were here for her this year. Ramona summed it up when she said, “Now you know, you can trust us,” before the three hugged it out.
Kelly got the hell outta dodge and the women greeted the day dining alfresco and celebrated the first moments of peace we’ve seen all season.
Peace Out Kelly!
Oh, no this bitch didn’t….
Oh, yes this bitch did…
Jill was justifiably super hurt. Not inviting Jill and Bobby to stay was fucking cut-throat. These bitches don’t play. In an 11,000 square foot house Ramona couldn’t tuck the Zarins in a corner for one night?
Later on, Sonja and Alex threw Ramona and Bethenny mini-bridal showers. Alex and Simon visited the sex store and picked up some bondage gear for Ramona and Mario to enjoy; too bad they forgot the ball gag.
Toilet paper bridal couture.
Back in NYC, Jill met up with LuAnn, Jen, and later Kelly to dissect the St. John drama.
LuAnn gave Jill an I-told-you-so before chastising Kelly for calling Bethenny a ho-bag. Kelly talked a bunch of crazy revisionist nonsense and by the end of the lunch failed to engender support from the home team.
Sonja threw another random party which gave Ramona and Bethenny the opportunity to give their side of Kelly’s St. John meltdown. The two put on a persuasive case which led LuAnn to doubt the veracity of Kelly’s version.
Jill and Jen talked final touches and swag bags for Jill’s super sweet sixteen ice skating party.
Jill conveniently sat Lisa down in front of a promo for their new book to discuss calling Bethenny to ask her for lunch. Jill doesn’t get it, it’s too little, too late.
Jill called Bethenny and secured a lunch. This gave her the peace of mind to bust out her skating leotard.
Then she busted her ass.
During the cocktail hour of the holiday party, Ramona and Kelly had it out over Kelly’s perception she was attacked in St. John.
Ramona tried to postpone the discush for later, but Kelly forced the issue and accused Ramona of putting her in an awkward position. Ramona stood her ground regarding her recollection of events, but offered Kelly an apology for any hurt feelings. In the end, the two hugged it out.
In the spirit of emotional housekeeping, Ramona pulled Jill aside to make sure they were cool after the St. John shoo away.
Jill listened for the first time all season, and they too were able to reach an understanding before the evening’s end.
Even though peace was made among several of the women this episode, one major conflict continued boil behind the scenes. Next week during the grand finale of the season (and Jill and Bethenny’s friendship), the former BFFs sit down for a ladies who lunch tête-à-tête where I predict Bethenny’s going to tell Jill to fuck off once and for all.
The morning after brought the ladies together for breakfast and a regurgitation of last night’s cook vs. chef argument with a sprinkling of ho-bag thrown in as a little hair of the dog. Tears, peanut-butter cookies, and F-bombs over breakfast, it’s going to be a doozey of an episode.
Ramona rented St. John’s version of Paloma Picasso’s Moroccan mansion. This amazing waterfront property is fucking gorgeous, right? Luxury wasted on the wicked.
Bethenny put together a shwag bag for the girls which rubbed Kelly the wrong way. She called it impersonal even though the bag was personalized with her fucking initials. Kelly had a good pity cry before calling Jill for an island to mainland pep talk. In this discush, Kelly accused Bethenny of having in-your-face DD size fake tits. Isn’t it a well known fact Kelly’s east-west facing breastage resulted from surgical augmentation? This bitch is bananas foster.
At the world’s most embarrassing and uncomfortable photo shoot, Kelly donned her photographer birth-control glasses as she cajoled cougartastic poses from the middle-aged saggy sorority sisters. Here’s the thing Kelly, just because Giles Bensimon put his wang in your cooter does not mean that you absorbed any of his photographic talent.
After a week’s respite from Jill Zarin, she and the Cuntess met up to stir the cauldron over dinner. Jill revealed that Kelly’s been calling her from St. John expressing distress. This cry for help was all the persuasion Jill needed to drop in on the group unannounced. Jill described an idyllic fantasy scene where she and Bethenny would sit on the beach and mend fences. Don’t hold your breath Zarin.
Bethenny decided to put her mise en place where her mouth is and prepared dinner for the group. Kelly took a page from the Alexis Bellino playbook and brought her self-important child-parent cell phone call to dinner. Ramona did not enjoy this and the two hens pecked at each other before the martinis and appetizers were served.
Kelly continued to snipe and complain a little too loudly about the food, the conversation, and the company casting a negative cloud over the meal. 
Sonja and Ramona raved about the food which looked traditional and well presented. Ramona mentioned she hadn’t heard from Jill. Kelly confessed that she had, and that Jill asked her about Bethenny. 
As Benpsycho continued her romp down crazy lane, Ramona attempted to formally apologize for the Brooklyn Bridge beat down. Kelly interrupted Ramona’s efforts which caused her to grab Bethenny and flee. Bethenny did an I-told-you-so-dance while Ramona acknowledged that Kelly was indeed couscous.
Kelly pontificated about the day’s photography sesh before skewing the conversation towards criticizing Alex for her Bethenny bulletin at Ramona’s Tru Renewal launch. Alex has never been quick on the draw, she’s a woman who needs to strategize exactly how she is going to respond – probably with Simon’s help. Rather than countering Kelly’s attack by complimenting her mad tuck game, Alex fled with Bethenny while Ramona cackled trailing behind.
Sonja actually made herself somewhat relevant by sticking around and looking Kelly in the eye and telling her she was insulting, defensive, crazy, and weird. Kelly fixated on Bethenny’s alleged planting of negative press about her kids and even accused her of attacking her friend “Gwyneth.”
Things got a little Lord of the Flies with Kelly criticizing Bethenny’s choice to travel after her Dad’s death and Bethenny screaming at Kelly to “GO TO SLEEP!” The group vacillated between sympathizing and demonizing Benpsycho.
Surprisingly, Bethenny ended up diffusing the fight by telling Kelly she wasn’t attacking her and didn’t plant bad press about her. Bethenny’s reassurances seemed to calm Kelly down and once they poured some Pinot Grigio on it everything seemed all good. 
The girls shouldn’t get too comfortable with peace, hurricane Jill rolls through St. John next week.