Most of you have heard about the struggles Bethenny Frankel has experienced while attempting to develop, market, and sell her version of a daily network talk show. Reports surfaced that decision-makers didn’t think she wasn’t likable enough. Then there were those pesky allegations concerning false labeling on Skinnygirl Margarita, which further chipped away at her crumbling credibility. And it wasn’t so long ago confusion swirled around the value of the Skinnygirl sale. The cumulative effect? Page Six reports that any hope for a syndicated deal is as dead as a Thanksgiving turkey.
You guys watching Revenge? Can’t really say it’s good, but blank-eyed Amber Valletta and an Herve Leger-clad Madeleine Stowe have kept it mildly interesting. How much has this fall sucked in terms of tv? So much. In any other year at any other time, Revenge wouldn’t even be worth mentioning.
We are neither surprised by nor interested in the break up of Ashton and Demi’s marriage. Nobody seriously thought that shit would last, so the media can just relax with all their pearl clutching. We all know the grounds for divorce. Under the reason for dissolution, next to Ashton’s name, check the “douche” box; next to Demi’s, check “desperately clinging to youth.”
So what do we make of the Bethenny Frankel money mystery? Her desperate visit on The Today Show did little to clarify doubts surrounding the sale of Skinnygirl Cocktails. She implied the 100+ million dollar figure was accurate. Doubters at Huffpo ran a retraction. Her defensive and side-stepping response has everybody wondering about the truth. Fishy.
Today also broke the Giuliana Rancic cancer diagnosis story this week. I have a soft spot for Giuliana and frown over her sad turn of luck. Word is the cancer was present in both breasts, and she had a double lumpectomy within the last couple days. The medical community rushed to defend IVF and insist that the treatments did not necessarily increase the risk of cancer. Some cancers are hormone-fed, correct? IVF involves super doses of hormones, correct? Doctors are making a shitload of money off fertility treatments, including IVF, correct? Correct. 
In more uplifting news, I’m living for Beavis and Butt-head right now and anxiously await the premiere next Thursday. This is one remake that won’t suck. No one will miss Jersey Snore. This season was extra weak marinara sauce. Seriously though, the question we’ve all been skirting: is it possible Pauly D is gay? Carefully consider it. 
Many of you spent the first commercial break on your knees in front of the toilet after Bravo forced us to endure more contrived MILF-themed sexy times between Alex & Simon, Ramona & Mario, and LuAnn & Jacques.
Simon and Alex conjured disgust trying to create mood with clichéd shellfish and lingerie aphrodisiacs. Though it was toast-worthy that: 1) Simon fetched Alex at the airport with roses; and 2) they are one of the few happily married couples in the franchise.
Ramona spread rose petals and waited for Mario to
Ramona set up an easy out, and he of course took the obvious Avery route. Ramona sopped up every drop without hesitation. Mmmdenialmmmdelicious.
Mario looked thrilled and relieved he was off the hook. Almost like he couldn’t believe he’d gotten so lucky….
Nobody gives a fuck about flaky Barshop, but Sonja’s wicked slowburn was uncovered by Cindy while flipping through the photos from Morocco. Sonja cut her out of every one! 
“Let’s just say revenge is best served cold and I enjoyed every moment of cutting her out of the pictures. And I’m going to own it 100%.”
News broke that Sonja filed bankruptcy on some mess of an investment she made in some unfinished, ill-conceived film project. Already informed by the Wall Street Journal, Alex creased her brow, tilted her head, and inquired in a faux-caring tone, “How are you?” The very sound of the question made Sonja want to leap across the table and slap her in the well-meaning face just to clear the echo of the rude intrusion.
Enter Jill, who joined Alex in intensely and invasively interrogating Sonja about her private financial dealings. Jill actually had the nerve to try and “explain” Sonja’s debts to her based on her extensive gossip column research. Sonja should have shut it down from the get; her money ain’t none these bitches’ biznass anyway.
The Cuntess cruised in and completed the coven. The purpose of the gathering was that Jill invited everyone but Ramona (and Kelly who didn’t show) to preview her shapewear line. Neither Bethenny nor Jill’s collections seem to bring any new colors or styles to the compression undergarment scene. How many Spanx knock-offs does the world need?
After the girdle summit, Alex met up with Ramona. Alex wasted no time in tattling that Jill had excluded Ramona from the panty party. Ramona was predictably and naturally pissed. However, ultimately all of this was overshadowed by Ramona’s deformed (she had it coming) Gelfling-esque upper lip which completely dominated the entire scene.
Alex is hellbent on creating as many on-screen opportunities as possible this season, so she invited the Cuntess to coffee under the pretense of clearing the air over their argument in Morocco. Eager to deliver an obviously rehearsed monologue, Alex dispensed with the small talk and launched into a lengthy and unnecessary introduction before Miss Manners interrupted her. 
Clouded by fame-seeking, once again, Alex’s strategy backfired and left her showing her ass. The Cuntess couldn’t give a royal fart over outer-borough Alex. Even though Alex and Simon probably ran lines in preparation, Alex was still tongue-tied and outmatched in bitchery. Her best moment was calling LuAnn rude in response to an aesthetic attack on her footwear. Predictably, the curtain closed when the Cuntess swept out with a flourish of the cape and a flip of her duck-butt hair.
This week’s episode picked up at the fortuneteller’s table, where Ramona feebly attempted to distract from the medium’s message by offering every possible alternative other than the most obvious likelihood of Mario’s philandering.
Out of Ramona’s earshot, Jill murmured to her circle that she’d heard rumors of Mr. Singer’s infidelity. Sonja’s reaction also signaled that she had intel which may further support the prediction. Ramona focused on damage control, more concerned about how the news might impact sales of her fug jewelry than where Mario’s currently corking his Pinot.
The band of bourgeoisa headed for the legendary and historic souq. Sonja, very inconspicuous adorned in all white with a textured fishing hat, clutched her straw bag, apparently concerned one of the locals might wrestle her to the ground for its priceless contents.
Barshop’s brazillian began to chafe in the desert heat, so she directed her discomfort into a confrontation with Sonja over some petty bullshit no one really cares about. The loud scene caused Kelly to shift her voice into nasal-bad-mommy mode and command that everyone “get along.”
As part of her ho stroll for the Morocco National Tourist Office, LuAnn arranged camel rides for the ladies. Not long into the jaunt, Morocco’s most discerning dromedary decided the Cuntess could kiss sand and gave her a ride worthy of the Saddle Ranch on a Saturday night. Once steadied, LuAnn dismounted and was too shaken to notice the camel boy copped a feel.
The caravan arrived at a tent oasis for a traditional Moroccan feast. Jill challenged each lady to confess an unknown tidbit, but most recapitulated unilluminating incidental details or ill-timed sad childhood memories.
As all group dinners do with this crowd, the lively discussion soon amplified into a full-on cacophony of shouting. Cindy couldn’t take the crossfire and fled into the unlit terrain, oblivious to the potential dangers of scorpions and other creatures emerging for their evening meal.
The tent supper turned out to be more refugee than world-renowned once it hit the gut because both Ramona and Sonja awoke the next morning with a serious case of the faucet ass. The unaffected hit the hamam and enjoyed a traditional scrub and tub. When sufficiently plied with Imodium, Sonja and Ramona followed.
Back at the riad, Jill tippity tapped on Ramona’s door to commence the long overdue discush causing tension to swell between the two. Ramona’s still sore about comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding and her own vow renewal last year. Jill is (rightfully) angry at Ramona for rudely dismissing her and Bobby in St. John. Jill fixated on the notion that St. John was her last chance to reconcile with Bethenny, and therefore blames Ramona for the lost friendship. Side note: who actually says picayune?
Ramona weaseled out of actually apologizing by using the classic, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” A line she surely picked up from years of arguing with Mario.
Fury filled Jill as all the feelings of hurt and humiliation surfaced. In an inexcusably bad outfit, Jill proclaimed that without an apology, the two could never be friends.
Unrelenting in her position, Ramona stood up and slung a few back, including the predictable: “You’ve changed, everyone’s said it.”
So overworked she thought she might have a heart attack, Jill stomped off in her stilettos intent on calling Bobby. She left Ramona in tears convulsing on the true star of the scene, a gorgeous traditional Moroccan bedspread.
Wow, that didn’t take long. By now many of you have heard the news that former managers filed suit against Bethenny Frankel for breach of contract and fraud, among other claims, according to the Hollywood Reporter.
Allegedly, back in May of 2008, Bethenny retained Doug Wald of Raw Talent as her manager and promised him 10%. He in turn connected her with APA in August of 2008, and subsequently introduced her to David Kanbar (who appears on BEA and brokered the Skyy Vodka deal). In November of 2008, days before signing a Skinnygirl development deal, Frankel fired Wald.
Over the last three years, Bethenny and David plotted to promote Skinnygirl and then sell it for a huge profit. Now rumor has it Raw Talent wants 10% of the $120 million dollar deal plus $100 million in punitive damages. 
Ever since the deal went down, Bethenny’s been saying mo money mo problems, and she wasn’t kidding. Even if she wins, defending this suit could be very costly. She’s writing a big check either way to cover settlement or litigation costs. Welcome to the big leagues B, cheers!
The long-awaited finale of Bethenny Ever After aired this week, long-awaited because we all couldn’t wait for this extra boring show to end. The bulk of the lazy-ass season finale was cobbled together from moments of Bethenny’s speaking tour.
Bethenny spewed clichéd self-help advice repackaged Skinnygirl-style as the secret of her success. Let’s be honest. Bethenny’s success stems from her willingness to offer up her most sacred relationships, private decisions, and deepest losses to Bravo for commoditization. Personal exploitation has been the ladder upon which she climbed to the top, and it has been a lucrative ascent.
Grandparents, Carol and Bob joined the tour for a night in Philadelphia. Neither understands Bethenny’s appeal, but both gave her warm congratulations after the show. Grandma Hoppy accidentally stumbled into some funny when she said, “There was only a cock here and there…”
Bethenny got the adrenaline shits before her Wilmington show and ran around the theater trying to empty her bowels moments before she was due on stage. She then danced her way down the aisle of the theater late-nineties Oprah-style.
All this filler delayed the only attention-worthy moment of the season – the sale of Skinnygirl. During her weekly sesh with Amador, Bethenny claimed to care less about the money now that she has her little family. She also conceded that since her own success now eclipsed her deceased father’s, “It makes me happy to stuff it to him.”
While the specifics of the deal were not discussed on camera, when the email came, Jason said “You are going to be a very rich woman.” So I guess we can surmise that $120 million figure might be in the realm of truth.
Now here’s what I want to know.
Bethenny sobbed tears of joy at her unbelievable good fortune, and Jason could barely contain his glee at the luck of landing his own little jackpot.
Jason returned later with their wedding album and the two oohed and aahhed over every page. Rejoice, everything is sublime in Hoppytown.
So you guys heard this got renewed for another season, right? They better start looking for a new angle because who really wants to watch “Bethenny’s Perfect Life?”
In an effort to test market a possible booty-thickening addition to her shapewear line, Bethenny spent the first several minutes of this week’s episode flaunting her artificially-enhanced ass in everyone’s face. First Julie, then Ethan, and finally Jason got a face full of butt pad everywhere they turned.
When Jason admired her new asset, Bethenny first credited the skating, but when Jason pressed to bang the booty, she had to fess up to her new accessory to his epic disappointment.
The Hoppy family + staff hit up the Christmas tree farm where Bethenny provided a Santa hat to tree farmer Don and forced him to double as an impromptu St. Nick. She thrust Bryn into the man’s arms, insisted on taking pictures, and cooed as the baby tugged on Don’s beard. Explain the parental blind spot that prevents otherwise reasonable folks from understanding that it is not appropriate to impose their children on others.
After balking at the big city prices, Jason flailed about with the saw, sending Bethenny’s motherly protectiveness into overdrive. Dawa selected a tree, and while the crew packed it up, Don offered Bethenny and Jason a ride on the back of his pick-up truck. The ride was rough, but unfortunately not rough enough to knock either of them off the back.
Bethenny planned what she thought would be a hilarious ugly Christmas sweater party, and maybe it would have been funny ten years ago when this idea first made the rounds. Ugly Christmas sweater parties are so over. (Shoutout Portlandia)
Food God Nick submitted his first food blog, and Bethenny and Julie creamed themselves over his sesquipedalian and grandiloquent writing style (two can play at that game Nick). After finishing an oral recitation of the multi-page account, Bethenny immediately got Nick on the phone, offered him a job with the Skinnygirl website, and asked him to a fancy dinner at Mr. Chow.
Nick borrowed a sports coat from his Dad and wore a wrinkly, dingy button-up with no undershirt. This kid is crying out for a makeover. Nick, write me, I’ll help you, seriously.
The producers obviously put Nick up to asking Bethenny’s advice on his love life. His girlfriend just left him because he’s an admitted stage five clinger. Bethenny recommended internet dating like it was some sort of novel concept. Trust, those resembling Nick have had a lot of interesting experiences with the internet. Bethenny dished clichéd advice between bites, and Nick politely thanked her for stating the obvious. An insightful guy, Food God Nick must be using her for fame, because there is no way he doesn’t see her for the insipid, self-important twat she is.
Bethenny and Jason needed a new nanny since Gina left to convalesce after her surgery. Their top choice is a woman named Dawa. Born in India and of Tibetan descent, Dawa must be genetically calm or some such racist shit according to her new employers.
After butchering her four letter name repeatedly, Bethenny and Jason gave Dawa the grand tour of the nursery and pantry. Bethenny in particular put on a high-drama neurotic show for the cameras. No wonder ratings are way down this season. Truthfully, this mundane shit is dreadfully dull.
Dawa informed Bethenny that she doubles as a hair dresser, so Bethenny got a blowout from the new two-for nanny. Not sure how long ago Dawa werked weaves in India but her technique and finish on the blowout left much room for improvement. Stick to burping babes Dawa.
Over dinner, Jason told Bethenny that sales of Skinnygirl expanded from 13 states to 40. She contemplated the future sale of Skinnygirl and revealed that several companies that had previously turned her down were now begging to buy her out. No doubt a satisfying moment for Bethenny, but it is disappointing to think the same people that doubted her are now financially profiting from her idea.
Speaking of sell outs, a few episodes back we discussed the sale of Skinnygirl to Beam, and at the time the sale price was undisclosed. Recently, several outlets from the Wall Street Journal to Wendy Williams reported Bethenny sold Skinnygirl for $120 million. Does that officially make her the richest Housewife? (Bitch please, spin-off or not she’ll always be a Housewife.) The timing of the sale makes sense because Bethenny officially peaked awhile ago, even if she continues to fight against her inevitable decline.
Despite her public bitch fight with Johnny Weir (Team Johnny!), Bethenny made it all the way to The Skating with the Stars finale show by riding a wave of drunken Skinnygirl fan support. To properly prepare, Bethenny rented a beachfront house in Malibu and invited Ethan over for a Mexican fiesta and tabletop dance.
Bethenny keeps hinting that a move to California is around the corner. Can we look forward to a new cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Bethenny and Kyle go way back, so the notion isn’t that far afield. Plant the seed ya’ll.
This episode of Bethenny Ever After started in Dr. Amador’s office and flashed back through the previous week of escalating crazy. Bravo should have structured the entire season this way and re-titled it Narcissist in the City. Rumors circulate about Bethenny exercising EP power to have portions of the episodes re-edited so she appears more likable. If that’s true, you have to wonder what this episode looked like before it was softened. So without further ado, let us commence the countdown to BFrank’s big breakdown.
First up, Gina informed Bethenny that she was having surgery at the end of the week, and therefore their time must come to an end. Through tears, the two tried to envision a future apart. After claiming G as family, Bethenny seemed mostly concerned about a replacement nanny and how this crisis might inconvenience her skating schedule. Bethenny didn’t offer support, financial or otherwise, to Gina at any point in the conversation. This is how rich people treat their 
The whole family arrived in L.A. for Bethenny’s debut performance on Skating with the Stars. Jason and Bethenny drove around Beverly Hills and contemplated which area of L.A. might suit them best for a future move. The two stopped at an empty house for sale and jumped the fence. Feeling ultra-rebellious at first, they soon started to panic. Getting back over the fence proved even less graceful, and Jason complained of a thumb injury while hoisting B up and over in her thigh-high boots – the worst footwear possible for a stealth breaking and entering.
Bethenny performed beautifully for her first-ever televised skating routine. Was she stiff and stifled? A little, but as a premiere showing, she did better than the 5s she received from the judges. Out the gate, she failed to evoke any good will from the panel. Before the judges comments, the public criticism aspect of the competition obviously hadn’t dawned on Bethenny. Getting picked apart like that ain’t easy. When the feedback wasn’t all roses and sunshine, her spirit palpably plummeted.
Back in NYC, Chef Bethenny prepped for Bryn’s first Thanksgiving. Due to technical difficulties, the turkey wasn’t cooked through and Bethenny started snapping at everyone’s attempts to console her. Julie, Jason, the Grandparents Hoppy, and even the ancillary ghub got the sharp end of her Scorpio stinger. When she finished screaming at her guests, Bethenny stormed off to her bedroom to 
Back to the therapist couch, Dr. Amador asked Bethenny what Thanksgiving was like for her growing up. Bethenny said her Mom (Bernadette serving a little Priscilla Presley below) was a really good cook, but a perfectionist. If for any reason things weren’t perfect, according to Bethenny her Mom would flip out.
The phrase “walking on eggshells” popped up several times in this episode, and it dawned on Bethenny that she recreated the very scenario she resented growing up.
“I end up sucking a lot of energy out of the room, and when I’m not happy it ends up being quite contagious.”
The paradigm-shifting epiphany sent Bethenny into an existential tailspin where she recognized how she mirrored Bernadette in so many ways. And like so many others before her, Bethenny was horrified at the realization that she too had become her mother.
Think how distressed she’ll be when she realizes in about 30 years Bryn will be having the exact same nauseating moment of self-awareness.
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