This week’s episode commenced with a death spiral and that’s not a cheeky reference to Bethenny and Jason’s relationship. Props to Bethenny for her major skating progress. All that yoga has clearly paid off.
Next Bethenny took her badly dressed hubby to Scoop for new jeans where salesboy Gavyn read Jason to filth for his antiquated denim taste. While Jason took his sweet-ass time trying on options, Bethenny talked shit about his genetically inherited cheap streak.
Gavyn summed it up like only a bitchy queen can when he said snidely, “He’s only buying one? After all that?” Then he huffed, rolled his eyes at the breeders, and stomped off with an attitude to check his Blackberry. God Bless Gavyn.
In order to address Skinnygirl production issues, Bethenny and Jason flew private to Montreal. After the requisite mile-high club innuendos, the two tucked into a spread of salad and fruit.
Montreal is so fantastic, right? The couple enjoyed the gorgeous city and strolled the streets. An ornament store caught their attention. Bethenny came down with tchotchke fever and insisted on investing in a snow globe against Jason’s better judgment.
Bethenny plays on Jason’s sympathies to manipulate him into getting what she wants. Last week she rationalized her bad birthday behavior by relying heavily on her whoa-is-me youth. This week she used her snow-globe-deprived childhood to justify wasting money on hideous knick-knacks. Officially an adult for well over twenty years, Bethenny continues to get a lot of mileage out of her “tragic” childhood.
Now that Bethenny thinks she’s got everything figured out from her woo woo place of yes, she’s making broad generalizations about all women. Over drinks, she declared, “Every woman goes out to get married.”
Ooooohhhhhhhhhh really Bethenny? EVERY woman schemes for a ring, huh? A good number of women could give a fuck about a ring, so she can chill with the sweeping statements. Furthermore, her overconfidence in her own union might come back to bite her in the ass. Bethenny sounds like the Cuntess with all this sanctimony.
And one other thing, this tequila-soaked slop looks cross-eyed every time she drinks out of straw. Need a funnel B?
The next day the booze baroness took a visit to the Skinnygirl bottling plant. Bethenny was blown away at seeing her vision come to fruition. Apparently, there was a glass shortage? Bullshit detector go off on that one? White dude in a suit kept serving up excuses which did not legitimately account for the significant production delays. Bethenny was too stunned by the whole factory to see the forest for the trees and let the piss-poor performance issues slide.
Back on the factory floor, Bethenny reveled in the enormous scale of Skinnygirl. She and Jason then spent several minutes reenacting key scenes from Laverne & Shirley.
Bethenny took a moment and reflected on her boozy success. Credit goes to her for breaking into the hard liquor market – an almost exclusively male arena. Recently, Bethenny sold Skinnygirl to Beam Global Spirits & Wine in the hopes of greatly expanding distribution. Bethenny claims the partnership will allow her to still remain integrally involved and develop new products.
So you want to know how much the deal was worth? Such details haven’t been publicly disclosed, but chances are it wasn’t enough. The phrases “lump sum” and “multi-year agreement” have made their way through the rumor mill. However, unless that lump sum was somewhere in the $50 million range, she likely sold herself way too short. Another question, who owns her new cocktail ideas? Think Beam has Bethenny’s back? 
The first of several 40th birthday parties kicked off at a suite at the Gansevoort where Bethenny and her girls pre-gamed with Skinnygirl and mini-sliders. Later, Bethenny rallied the group for a schlong hunt at Plunge.
Why does Bethenny think she has game? She acted like a crazed Ramona lusting over the general manager conveniently named Jason. At 40 not 30, Bethenny’s a little more resistible than she thinks. Seriously, slow your roll and stop embarrassing yourself.
After a few drinks, each sloppster took a turn stomping out her dignity in the center of the dance circle. Julie offered the most interesting dance craze – the metro card – a reenactment of that graceful moment when the metro card fails and you whiplash against the immobile turnstile. Bethenny acted like Julie was nutz. Apparently it has been awhile since bougie Bethenny has taken the train, because that shit was brilliant. Anyone who takes public transportation would know that dance of shame anywhere.
The next day, Bethenny got the call about Skating With the Stars and it was immediately obvious that she was going to say “yes,” even though she pretended she was going to discuss it with the family. Back at casa Hoppy, Jason braced himself for the latest news.
Jason didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea and immediately started chipping away at her excitement with loaded questions. Jealous much? Then he asked if it would be better for her to do Dancing With the Stars. Her response was fucking priceless, and proves how big her head has become.
Her implication – that she would turn down the highly rated Dancing With the Stars in favor of Skating With the Stars – could not be more patently absurd. Bitch please. No one asked you to be on Dancing With the Stars. Don’t fucking act like you would have turned down Dancing with the God Damn Stars because no one on this planet believes your fame-seeking ass would ever do any such thing.
Julie joined the meeting and even though she and Jason had concerns about time and scheduling, there was no talking Bethenny out of her skates. She knew she was accepting the offer the minute they called. Make no mistake: Bethenny furthers her fame first.
Even though no one had even mentioned Bethenny’s birthday, she moaned that everyone kept “harping on her 40th birthday,” so she simply must have a lavish party to satisfy the masses or some such self-important bullshit. She met up with her wedding planner Shawn for lunch and he offered to plan the party for her as a 
Later Jason and Bethenny took Bryn on an afternoon stroll. Jason nit-picked the proposed plans. The two began to bicker about the number of guests, the timing of food and drink, and the appropriate night for the party.
With a proposed guest list of 35-45, Bethenny didn’t want to exclude her friends for Jason’s buddies. In another dick move, Jason played the “you’re married now, Bethenny” card. In this instance, Bethenny’s right on. It is her birthday, and the guest list should be comprised of her friends. Jason manipulated her by calling her selfish, and got his way to invite ten friends to her party. When Jason turns forty he can invite all his friends. Not all couples must share friends. Furthermore, Jason’s friends don’t actually give a fuck about celebrating Bethenny’s birthday, so he should stop fronting like they do.
From there things got progressively uglier, and a sour cloud hovered over the rest of the walk, the talk, and the party. Bethenny began to regret agreeing to the bash. Considering the amount of celebrations Bethenny’s had for Bethenny this year – engagement, showers, a televised wedding – a low key fortieth might have been a better way to go.
Bethenny met her skating partner Ethan Burgess at the rink, but the chemistry wasn’t exactly gelling. Awkward chatter peppered practice and culminated with Bethenny declaring that she’d seen Ethan fall in a competition on youtube. Not knowing when to STFU, Bethenny continued to prattle and opined his fall was due to the rocky relationship with his girlfriend/skate partner. Nice first impression.
Back in bed, Bethenny and Jason continued to write “birthday party disaster” all over the walls. Each time the topic came up, the two clashed.
Since Bethenny’s latest book is about conquering negative thoughts, take note of Bethenny’s own self-defeating behavior. She says things like “my whole life has been like that.” Boo Fucking Hoo.
Recently, Bravo stars Josh Flagg (Million Dollar Listing) and Bethenny Frankel (Bethenny Ever After) both released books. Frankel authored two previous best-sellers: Naturally Thin and the companion cookbook Skinnygirl Dish. By now you’ve surely heard of her latest offering – A Place of Yes, a self-help guide including “10 Rules for Getting Everything You Want Out of Life.” After reading the first twenty pages of Place of Yes, a response of “fuck no” started to form. Place of Obvious might be a better title for all the wisdom and insight tucked into the pages of this meandering manifesto.
On his Grandma Edith bringing polyester to the U.S. fabric market, “So in short, my grandmother became incredibly successful and was single handedly responsible for the horrendous synthetic fiber jogging suits of the 1970′s.”
On Mom and Dad, “I blame them both for my precocious demeanor and pretentious sense of self-worth.”
Concerning his Father specifically,”…his plan to make me a humble human being backfired.”
“Parents of other kids in my class, they loved me! For the ones that couldn’t tell I pitched for the other team, they were thrilled because they thought their daughters were going to marry me. For the ones who could tell, they wanted me to come over to their houses and help them redecorate their living rooms.”
From his Grandfather’s death at Auschwitz to his reign as cotillion queen, page after page, Flagg’s disarming candor reveals his unvarnished, often painful truth.
When you compare these two books, the startling difference boils down to authenticity. Josh’s account resonates as personal and genuine. Bethenny’s book reads like she’s trying to convince us she’s got life all figured out.
Check out Flagg’s Million Dollar Agent: Brokering the Dream – not only will you learn a thing or two about real estate, Josh’s forthright career memoir may change and inform your opinion of the squeaky-voiced (yet charming) dork.
This week’s Bethenny Ever After reminded us just how offensive folks can be while hiding behind a shield of overprotective parenting philosophies. Gina brought the Hoppy Family outside the ivory towers of TriBeCa to Brooklyn to enjoy the Yoruba–Orisha Baptist Church. Those of you who paid attention in undergrad may remember Yoruba as a religion geographically rooted in Nigeria and Benin, that traveled with the people, and subsequently flourished in parts of the Caribbean and South America. The flavor of this particular church blends Christian Baptist and Yoruba traditions.
Bethenny and Jason marveled at the congregants like they were a tribe of primitive aboriginals. The two commented on their “exotic” dress and head-wear as Bravo layered the cheapest canned “island beats” they could afford into the background.
Even though every single other woman in the room had their head covered, Bethenny didn’t seem to take the hint that she needed to cover her hair as a sign of respect, so one of the women helped her out by offering a scarf. Despite the obvious religious significance, both Bethenny and Jason seemed to confuse the gesture of humility with a fashion statement and giggled like school kids about the aesthetic.
Instead of wondering about whether her Fredrick’s of Hollywood hand-me-down lingerie was supporting those billowy garments (sidebar: Who the fuck donates skanky used lingerie to a baptist church?), it should have occurred to Bethenny to cover her legs, or better yet, her crotch when visiting a place of worship. The concept of modesty as a gesture of reverence apparently never entered her mind.
The tour through Offensiville didn’t stop there. Jason thought it appropriate to crack several jokes about “The Spirit” entering Bryn, and generally mocked the traditions of the congregation, all while sitting front row in a church that took special effort to honor his family.
Based on the footage shown, it is pretty difficult to ascertain exactly how many conversations transpired between Gina and the Parents Hoppy prior to the event, but it is pretty obvious that there was a failure to manage expectations all around.
Clearly, the blessing was indeed a baptism. Specifically, the words “that she may be baptized with water received into Christ’s Holy Church” were uttered, and admittedly it doesn’t get much more baptismal than that.
Jason just kept repeating, “it’ll be over in a minute.” Pastor Wilkinson cradled Bryn and dabbed water on her forehead as the congregation sang and clapped. Bethenny completely lost her shit and told Gina she wasn’t comfortable 
She started to maneuver around the group looking for an opening to snatch Bryn back. When she got her opportunity, she grabbed the baby and made a run for it – right down the aisle out the church doors onto the sidewalk.
Gina kept assuring the couple, against the weight of the evidence, that it wasn’t a baptism. Jason’s panties were especially knotted over the fact that his parents missed the impromptu saving. Always with the parents Jason – seriously, enough with the parents already.
Back at home, Bethenny and Jason reinforced each other’s bad behavior and justified their over-reaction by chalking it up to primal parenting instincts. Weirder yet, the experience convinced Bethenny that she wanted Bryn baptized Catholic – because the church has such a sterling history with children?
Since fame has replaced her non-paid friends, Bethenny asked Julie to be Bryn’s Godmother. Julie seemed genuinely touched, and she does heart Bryn.
On the day of the christening, Father Daly kept calling Bethenny “Brittany,” and limply phoned-in what was likely his fortieth baby bath of the year. Of the two ceremonies, who wouldn’t prefer Gina’s jubilation and song over Father Daly’s anointing oil and an evil-nature-of-man ethos?
This week Bethenny snatched Bryn for a morning corner store run while Gina caught up on her beauty rest. Since Bryn sleeps through the night, Bethenny contemplates why Gina’s still residing in the nursery.
Bethenny and Jason did some market research on Skinnygirl Margarita by hitting their local liquor store. After discussing the supply issues with the owner, the two took a step out front where Bethenny again pressured Jason to sort out the problems with her business. 
Bethenny wants heads to roll, but she doesn’t want to pick up the axe. She’s exhausting with her all-bark-no-bite personality. Nut up or shut up. (Sidenote: predictions of 1 million cases sold in 2011? Folks are buying?)
Food God Nick delivered rosemary focaccia baglunch from an underground sandwich shop and he and Bethenny discussed the best food carts. Bethenny offered to give Nick a blog within her website, and the two spent several minutes bandying about ideas.
Then out came Bryn, and Nick looked at her very sincerely and said, “very nice to meet you.” This kid is too much. Episode highlight.
In therapy Bethenny discussed bringing Jason into the business. This bitch doesn’t know what she wants. Out the gate, she states clearly, “I need a chief under me.” Dr. Amador then asked whether Jason would be working for Bethenny or with her. Without missing a beat she said, “with me.” Which is it Bethenny? Is he under you or beside you?
Then it kinda seemed like Dr. Amador was trying to drop B off his therapeutic nutsack, but she wasn’t having it. She just kept repeating, “You cannot break up with me.” Awkward.
For Gina’s birthday, Bethenny took her to the day spa for a little mani/pedi. Gina seemed more interested in whether they “waxed vaginas.” While their feet got werked, Gina explained the source of her bitterness. She accuses her husband of removing her name from a deed to property she purchased in Trinidad. Don’t worry too much about Gina. She’ll break out some island justice on his azz.
Bethenny finally decided to confront the minimally helpful assistant Max. Rather than dealing with the issue weeks ago, Bethenny’s been stewing on her dissatisfaction with his job performance. As she lectured him about professionalism and appropriateness, it never fully crystallized whether she was firing or just warning him.
This show should be renamed Bethenny Bungles Her Business because she kinda sucks at managing things at Skinnygirl headquarters. Bad hiring decisions, unclear communication, abdication of responsibility, failure to set limits – bossy-biz Bethenny is a hot-ass ineffectual mess. (Legal disclaimer: all opinions here). 
Food God Nick and Bethenny met up for a food crawl. She seemed outraged by the news that he didn’t eat red meat, and this confession slowed the momentum of the entire adventure. After, the two met up with Jason and Bryn and got faded on spiked smoothies.
Wrapping up this week, Bethenny bestowed Gina with a red velvet birthday cake. Gina seized the moment to inform Bethenny that she’s planning to stay on until May. Well played Gina. Well played.
Without question the single most interesting person on this week’s Bethenny Ever After was Food God Nick. Returning from a Fatwitch mission, Nick bumped into Jason and Bethenny at POP Burger. Last season Nick interviewed to work as Bethenny’s assistant. Even though he was an utter delight, she gave the job to the twinkly-eyed, smooth-talking lothario Max. Since Max failed to follow up good interview with great assisting, Bethenny’s now regretting the decision — a lament only compounded and refreshed by continuous run-ins with Nick at the best foodie hangouts in NYC.
I hope these occasional cameos get Food God Nick laid. All ya’ll in NYC, this is a mercy fuck if I ever saw one. Take one for the team.
The next day, Bethenny and Jason bickered over (yup, you guessed it!) visiting his parents the following weekend. As you know, Jason wants his parents there more often than not; Bethenny prefers a once a month or less rotation.
Anyone catch this underhanded dick maneuver from Jason: “You need to talk to your man, whoever you talk to, your therapist or whoever it is, you need to like put that on the list, you need to get over this because I’m not wrong.” Hey Jason, have you considered looking into therapy to sort out your weird mommy issues?
Bethenny finally gave Julie a much-deserved raise and promotion, and in a well-timed coincidence, The Rachel Ray Show offered to makeover Julie. Bethenny left a puddle on her seat working herself up into an embarrassing flirt frenzy with a marginally handsome segment producer. 
Over-worked and underfucked must be the theme of the Frankel household because Gina tried her wiles on John, an unsuspecting sound guy. Thank heavens Julie arrived to break up the awkwardness, and as an added bonus she seemed genuinely surprised.
Bethenny took Jason’s words to heart: later in therapy she opened up to Dr. Amador about the in-law issue. After stating the obvious, that everyone handles their families differently, Doc challenged Bethenny’s thinking on the issue. Then he clearly and unequivocally advised her not to discuss it with Jason.
So later on she couldn’t help but discuss the issue with Jason after they cheesed it up with some embarrassing role playing at A60. The two hit a frustrated discussion impasse. Jason insists his way is normal, and Bethenny doesn’t want to go through life feeling like a freak. Even though in the end they hugged it out, this argument is hardly over. It’s just going to keep popping back up, every three weeks, until something major changes.
We caught up with Jason and Bethenny contemplating baby number two in the face of B’s big 4-0. After day-dreaming about the “baby stage,” Bethenny snapped back to business by complaining to Jason that Skinnygirl production can’t keep up with demand.
Bethenny asked Jason to look into the delays, but he seemed concerned about commingling family and business any further. At least he tells it to her straight, like when he said there are “going to be times when I’m like, enough Bethenny today.” You tell her Jason – and Bethenny, if you are the mogul you claim, nut-up and solve your own damn booze production issues.
It wouldn’t be a real reunion with Frankel without the obligatory boob show. B and her hanger-on Lauren hit Linda’s for some new over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders. According to Linda, Bethenny’s a 30G or 32FF! Bethenny made sure we all know she got her 22 inch waist back after giving birth by standing around and flaunting her milkshake while bitching about visiting Jason’s parents.
Apparently, Jason sees his parents every two weeks and Bethenny sees them every three weeks! Holy-fucking-in-laws-dude, that’s some serious visitation. Is this what people are doing? Brassiere-whisperer Linda says once a month is appropriate, and even that sounds a little too frequent. Jason’s parents spend two nights at Bethenny and Jason’s every month which would absolutely lead me to suicide. So now we know why Jason was 39 and unmarried: he’s a major mama’s boy. Did Bethenny know what she was signing up for?
After a drawn out trip out to Jason’s hometown in Hazelton, Pennsylvania, the three arrived to an enthusiastic welcome from doting grandparents, Carol and Bob.
That afternoon, Jason took Bethenny to the local hot dog haunt where a “fan” came over to Bethenny and gushed. Something about the whole exchange felt unnatural and Bravo-constructed.
As tension built through the afternoon, it served as the amuse-bouche to the main course of conflict which rolled out before the appetizers even hit the table. Previously, Jason and Bethenny discussed moving to California. Jason really wants another baby, but is reluctant to move. Bethenny really wants to explore her opportunities in Los Angeles and is willing to try for another baby in exchange for a cross-country relocation. This type of baby-bargaining is always ill-advised, but even worse is busting out with the whole scheme to your parents before thoroughly discussing it with your spouse. Cue Jason and his total lack of filter.
Jason sums it up by saying, “She’ll give me a second child if we move to California.” And this was Carol’s response.
Carol and Bob immediately began to panic that Bryn would “forget them.” Jason has spent his whole life trying to make it up to his parents that his brother died. He even admits that he tries to be the perfect son. He can’t bring himself to disappoint them, even for his wife.
Both Bethenny and Jason spilled their tea (copyright MWY) all over the table by spiraling into a full-on argument in front of the world’s sweetest and most suffocating grandparents. Bethenny complained that Jason never lets them experience anything as a nuclear family, like when Bryn reaches a milestone, he’s immediately on the phone with his parents.
The next day, the visitation issue resurfaced. After Bob passive-aggressively whined about looking forward to the days when Bryn can stay the whole summer(!) and Carol rebounded by asking what they’d all be doing for Thanksgiving (after a fun family Halloween of course), Bethenny finally lost her shit. “We have to do some things on our own as our own little family too…we love coming here, but I want it to be that I like coming here, and I like when you come to us, not that it becomes something we have to do. That’s the total honest truth.”
Later, Bethenny and Jason hit the local dive bar for some $2.50 u-call-it-wells. At first Bethenny was a little snobby (think Reese Witherspoon’s turn in the small town bar in Sweet Home Alabama), but after a few cocktails Jason’s local buddies began to win her over with their folksy charm. By the end of the night, through a vodka-haze, bitch shed a big city tear over some “roots” talk from stool-warmer Smitty.
If this hometown visit proved nothing else, it is that these two really don’t know each other at all. In Bethenny’s own words, the couple is “drastically different.” No shit. These two met, married, and reproduced in less than 18 months, and most of it was filmed for TV. Now they are surprised that in that time they haven’t uncovered one another’s true selves? As if starring on a reality show lends itself to authenticity? Maybe that’s why B’s still in therapy. 
5) Cheating ruins a relationship forever. For a timely example, see Sammi and Ron from Jersey Shore. If you discover your significant other has a jump off, cut and run. Under no circumstances should you decimate your pride by going back for even one sesh of break-up sex. Don’t fucking tell me you love him, weak-ass bitch.
4) The following advice applies to all relationships. Look at what people do, not what they say. Tori Spelling failed to apply this rule. Dean talked a lot of love-at-first-sight woo to lure Tori. However, many believe his decision to leave his wife, son, and newly adopted daughter to opportunistically seize fame and exploit a dim-witted heiress of dwindling celebrity better reflects his true character. Now she’s surprised about relationship problems? Actions determine character. See also, Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, and any of the hot-ass messes from Teen Mom.
3) Please don’t EVER film your fucky times. See Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, and the OG of the celeb sex tape, Paris Hilton. While some consider this a catapult to notoriety, unless you are fucking someone noteworthy, you’ll only be famous to his friends for your “technique.”
2) Protect precious possessions from the vengeful. JWOWW and Tom, Ron and Sam, The Bad Girls Club – all these kids got their belongings trashed. Don’t be naïve. Lock your shit down before you start a war, and if you pick a fight, be prepared to finish it.
1) Marinating bad feelings in liquor intensifies rather than alleviates tension. See Bethenny, Ramona, Snooki, Austin Armacost, and Tami Roman from Basketball Wives for shameful examples of messy drinkers. Slurring, stumbling, puking, instigating bar fights, removing heels, hooking up with questionable fugsters, and showing your ass in public are all fucking dignity issues. Remember, there is nothing more repulsive than a sloppy-ass drunk.
Reality stars pretty much follow the same pattern. The first season of any show is always a little delightfully rough around the edges. Cast members, lacking in self-awareness, most resemble their true selves (and in turn, the audience). During this golden period of sincerity, humanity’s basest tendencies – envy, narcissism, and deceit – inevitability elbow their way into the spotlight. This makes for excellent television. See the first cycle of America’s Next Top Model, The Real Housewives franchises, first seasons of Project Runway, Flipping Out, Top Chef, The Real World, and many other series for prime examples.
Once the first season airs and folks get plunged into a freezing cold tub of disembodied self-analysis, it forever obliterates the unguarded, pre-reality show personality. Polished and molded by seasons of criticism, Alex and Simon now avoid overtly discussing their social climbing aspirations. Are Alex and Simon even less genuine for having abandoned their original insincerity?
By season three, staged dramatics, behind-the-scenes backstabbing, and spin-off angling is in full effect. Nearly everyone succumbs to the self-important pseudo-celebrity syndrome.
Rumors swirl as to why the premiere of RHNYC has been delayed, but the only logical inference is that the footage lacked. Bethenny alone didn’t make the show, but her burgeoning breakout stardom created legitimate jealous friction last season. With Frankel spun out, Bravo should recast the entire show. What about…. A newly engaged Dylan Lauren? Designer Erin Fetherston? Paulina Porizkova is probably available, and throw in Sherri Shepard for comic flavor. 
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