We caught up with Jason and Bethenny contemplating baby number two in the face of B’s big 4-0. After day-dreaming about the “baby stage,” Bethenny snapped back to business by complaining to Jason that Skinnygirl production can’t keep up with demand.
Bethenny asked Jason to look into the delays, but he seemed concerned about commingling family and business any further. At least he tells it to her straight, like when he said there are “going to be times when I’m like, enough Bethenny today.” You tell her Jason – and Bethenny, if you are the mogul you claim, nut-up and solve your own damn booze production issues.
It wouldn’t be a real reunion with Frankel without the obligatory boob show. B and her hanger-on Lauren hit Linda’s for some new over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders. According to Linda, Bethenny’s a 30G or 32FF! Bethenny made sure we all know she got her 22 inch waist back after giving birth by standing around and flaunting her milkshake while bitching about visiting Jason’s parents.
Apparently, Jason sees his parents every two weeks and Bethenny sees them every three weeks! Holy-fucking-in-laws-dude, that’s some serious visitation. Is this what people are doing? Brassiere-whisperer Linda says once a month is appropriate, and even that sounds a little too frequent. Jason’s parents spend two nights at Bethenny and Jason’s every month which would absolutely lead me to suicide. So now we know why Jason was 39 and unmarried: he’s a major mama’s boy. Did Bethenny know what she was signing up for?
After a drawn out trip out to Jason’s hometown in Hazelton, Pennsylvania, the three arrived to an enthusiastic welcome from doting grandparents, Carol and Bob.
That afternoon, Jason took Bethenny to the local hot dog haunt where a “fan” came over to Bethenny and gushed. Something about the whole exchange felt unnatural and Bravo-constructed.
As tension built through the afternoon, it served as the amuse-bouche to the main course of conflict which rolled out before the appetizers even hit the table. Previously, Jason and Bethenny discussed moving to California. Jason really wants another baby, but is reluctant to move. Bethenny really wants to explore her opportunities in Los Angeles and is willing to try for another baby in exchange for a cross-country relocation. This type of baby-bargaining is always ill-advised, but even worse is busting out with the whole scheme to your parents before thoroughly discussing it with your spouse. Cue Jason and his total lack of filter.
Jason sums it up by saying, “She’ll give me a second child if we move to California.” And this was Carol’s response.
Carol and Bob immediately began to panic that Bryn would “forget them.” Jason has spent his whole life trying to make it up to his parents that his brother died. He even admits that he tries to be the perfect son. He can’t bring himself to disappoint them, even for his wife.
Both Bethenny and Jason spilled their tea (copyright MWY) all over the table by spiraling into a full-on argument in front of the world’s sweetest and most suffocating grandparents. Bethenny complained that Jason never lets them experience anything as a nuclear family, like when Bryn reaches a milestone, he’s immediately on the phone with his parents.
The next day, the visitation issue resurfaced. After Bob passive-aggressively whined about looking forward to the days when Bryn can stay the whole summer(!) and Carol rebounded by asking what they’d all be doing for Thanksgiving (after a fun family Halloween of course), Bethenny finally lost her shit. “We have to do some things on our own as our own little family too…we love coming here, but I want it to be that I like coming here, and I like when you come to us, not that it becomes something we have to do. That’s the total honest truth.”
Later, Bethenny and Jason hit the local dive bar for some $2.50 u-call-it-wells. At first Bethenny was a little snobby (think Reese Witherspoon’s turn in the small town bar in Sweet Home Alabama), but after a few cocktails Jason’s local buddies began to win her over with their folksy charm. By the end of the night, through a vodka-haze, bitch shed a big city tear over some “roots” talk from stool-warmer Smitty.
If this hometown visit proved nothing else, it is that these two really don’t know each other at all. In Bethenny’s own words, the couple is “drastically different.” No shit. These two met, married, and reproduced in less than 18 months, and most of it was filmed for TV. Now they are surprised that in that time they haven’t uncovered one another’s true selves? As if starring on a reality show lends itself to authenticity? Maybe that’s why B’s still in therapy. 
5) Cheating ruins a relationship forever. For a timely example, see Sammi and Ron from Jersey Shore. If you discover your significant other has a jump off, cut and run. Under no circumstances should you decimate your pride by going back for even one sesh of break-up sex. Don’t fucking tell me you love him, weak-ass bitch.
4) The following advice applies to all relationships. Look at what people do, not what they say. Tori Spelling failed to apply this rule. Dean talked a lot of love-at-first-sight woo to lure Tori. However, many believe his decision to leave his wife, son, and newly adopted daughter to opportunistically seize fame and exploit a dim-witted heiress of dwindling celebrity better reflects his true character. Now she’s surprised about relationship problems? Actions determine character. See also, Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian, and any of the hot-ass messes from Teen Mom.
3) Please don’t EVER film your fucky times. See Kim Kardashian, Kendra Wilkinson, Danielle Staub, and the OG of the celeb sex tape, Paris Hilton. While some consider this a catapult to notoriety, unless you are fucking someone noteworthy, you’ll only be famous to his friends for your “technique.”
2) Protect precious possessions from the vengeful. JWOWW and Tom, Ron and Sam, The Bad Girls Club – all these kids got their belongings trashed. Don’t be naïve. Lock your shit down before you start a war, and if you pick a fight, be prepared to finish it.
1) Marinating bad feelings in liquor intensifies rather than alleviates tension. See Bethenny, Ramona, Snooki, Austin Armacost, and Tami Roman from Basketball Wives for shameful examples of messy drinkers. Slurring, stumbling, puking, instigating bar fights, removing heels, hooking up with questionable fugsters, and showing your ass in public are all fucking dignity issues. Remember, there is nothing more repulsive than a sloppy-ass drunk.
Reality stars pretty much follow the same pattern. The first season of any show is always a little delightfully rough around the edges. Cast members, lacking in self-awareness, most resemble their true selves (and in turn, the audience). During this golden period of sincerity, humanity’s basest tendencies – envy, narcissism, and deceit – inevitability elbow their way into the spotlight. This makes for excellent television. See the first cycle of America’s Next Top Model, The Real Housewives franchises, first seasons of Project Runway, Flipping Out, Top Chef, The Real World, and many other series for prime examples.
Once the first season airs and folks get plunged into a freezing cold tub of disembodied self-analysis, it forever obliterates the unguarded, pre-reality show personality. Polished and molded by seasons of criticism, Alex and Simon now avoid overtly discussing their social climbing aspirations. Are Alex and Simon even less genuine for having abandoned their original insincerity?
By season three, staged dramatics, behind-the-scenes backstabbing, and spin-off angling is in full effect. Nearly everyone succumbs to the self-important pseudo-celebrity syndrome.
Rumors swirl as to why the premiere of RHNYC has been delayed, but the only logical inference is that the footage lacked. Bethenny alone didn’t make the show, but her burgeoning breakout stardom created legitimate jealous friction last season. With Frankel spun out, Bravo should recast the entire show. What about…. A newly engaged Dylan Lauren? Designer Erin Fetherston? Paulina Porizkova is probably available, and throw in Sherri Shepard for comic flavor. 
Anyone else feeling mayjah Frankel fatigue? The second season of her reality show, Bethenny Ever After, hasn’t even begun to air. Place of Yes: 10 Rules for Getting Everything You Want Out of Life, Frankel’s life advice manifesto, doesn’t come out until March. Her new skincare line, Honest, ain’t yet available, but already I wish B Frank would be gone. 
Pimping on the family platform, Bethenny’s added a number of new endorsement deals to her already crowded stable, including Pampers and British Airways. Do yoga with Bethenny’s workout DVD. If that doesn’t work, rumor has it she has a lingerie and shapewear collection coming soon. Recover from a Skinnygirl hangover with a Skinnygirl cleanse. Wow, who knew our little Bethenny was an authority on virtually everything?
After starting out a Bethenny fan, a meaningful amount of self-reflection was required before I could pinpoint the source of my welling disgust. So here it is. We used to be able to rely on Bethenny to call people on their fake bullshit, and now Bethenny personifies that fake bullshit. Jumping at the opportunity to shill for corporations and leveraging her nascent family to broaden her endorsement appeal demolished her fragile credibility. Is any aspect of her life uncommodified? If Frankel will say anything for a buck, then how are fans to decipher between bought Bethenny and earnest Bethenny? Is it naive to believe there was ever a sincere Bethenny?
With Frankel’s assortment of products, a girl can all but transform herself into Bethenny, but is she the kind of skinny bitch any girl really wants to be?
With Taylor gone, I feared The Rachel Zoe Project had lost its teeth. With the addition of A-listers like Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway however, RZP fulfilled the behind-the-scene celebrity styling promise that in seasons past it had failed to keep.
Mad Men somehow managed to improve upon perfection. Season four was the best so far for the impeccably written, acted, and styled period drama. The finale left a huge gaping hole in Sundays.
We’re seven episodes into a meandering kidnapping plot on Sons of Anarchy and it pales in comparison to last season’s tightly constructed story anchored by a brilliant Katey Sagal. Get it together boys. Though we all appreciated the stunt casting of Stephen King, you only have a few episodes left to salvage this season. 
Admit it, this once-brilliant show has been circling the drain for awhile. At this point, it is beyond salvation. Once the Botwin’s left the construct of suburbia, the show’s concept fell apart. Where is Elizabeth Perkins? Romany Malco? This show deserves double demerits for dropping some of its best cast — without explanation — along the way. 
Schwartz and Savage are the poster children for squandered opportunity. First with the O.C., and now with Gossip Girl, the overrated duo begin with a great concept and then proceed to completely mismanage its potential. The first season of Gossip Girl sizzled; since then, it has gone from lukewarm to completely irrelevant. At this point, Degrassi has more edge.
Bravo wrung every last drop out of this season of the RHNY, finally putting it to rest by airing unseen clips repackaged as “lost footage.”
Sonja accompanied Ramona to get her sweat glands eradicated by ultrasound. Note the Tru Renewal in the waiting room, even Dr. Giese is on the payroll. 
Sonja turned gray as Dr. Giese jabbed a metal rod in and out of Ramona’s armpit. Sonja compared the scene to a veal chop, and Ramona replied that she was getting hungry. The staff brought Sonja a juice box to help her through the trauma of witnessing the gruesome procedure. 
The nausea continued to build as we followed Jill and Bobby into Chopard. Jill fixated on a rose gold 1.79 diamond carat watch (conservatively $25-30,000.00) whining like Veruca Salt that “she waaaanted it!” Hoping to extend her good fortune, she requested the salesmen bring over a necklace too! When the salivating salesmen brought over a 10 carat flawless diamond ring priced at $3.7 million, Bobby started to turn as gray as Sonja did during Ramona’s surgery. Jill declared she always gets screwed because her birthday, the holidays, and their anniversary come one after another and she gets “combined gifts.” Yeah, combined gifts worth over $30,000!
Sonja apparently got her liposuction, and Kelly stopped by to see her in her post-operative convalescence. Kelly brought Sonja a “cleanse” to inspire her to take better (non-surgical) care of herself. Kelly then got all sanctimonious and said, “I want you to tell your daughter that you were too lazy to work out and got liposuction.” Preach Kelly! P.S. if you want to see some sloppy-ass editing watch this scene again, the cleanse is on the bed in a shot before Kelly gives it to Sonja. This shit is totally The Hills, cougar-style.
Kelly and Ramona worked out together in St. John. Kelly kept the elliptical on level three as she talked Ramona’s ear off. Ramona ignored her while she tried to concentrate on her five lbs shoulder presses. Kelly, a genetic freak at six feet tall, has no idea of what it takes to maintain a real woman’s body. Nice forearm plank Ramona, werk!
Sonja, Jen, Alex, and Simon gathered in Times Square for the reveal of Bethenny’s I’d Rather Go Naked campaign. Whatever. PETA is so super fucking hypocritical I can’t even get started, but that’s a discush for another day. 
Bethenny annoyingly mugged for the cameras as Sonja confessed her jealousy by admitting she wished she was up there. Sonja’s honesty is so unusual and refreshing, no?
Most of the girls showed for Ramona’s birthday party at the Chat Noir. Kelly and Jill took it upon themselves to rearrange the place cards. Ramona lost her shit because it was a rude and presumptuous move. That said, can we just sit where we want to sit please? Enough with the control-freak seating chart shit – it’s so antiquated.
We wrapped at the Reunion where we learned the Countess has a record deal, Kelly’s working on some top-secret shit, Jill got a hobby – a bedding line, Sonja’s returning to her relaxed lifestyle, Silex is working a summer book tour, Ramona’s enjoying her renewal, and Bethenny declared now it’s all about Bryn and Jason. I think this is the last time we will see this incarnation of the ladies together. Adieu materialistic shrews, we will miss you. 
Off the bat we got a juicy bit of gossip regarding the St. John trip. Apparently, Kelly was asked to leave and was escorted home by a producer back to the mainland. Kelly got bounced from Scary Island ya’ll. 
Kelly returned from her self-imposed time out and continued to play the victim card. In a never ending tautology, Sonja, Ramona, and Bethenny denied picking on her, and Kelly continued to accuse them of bullying. Ramona yelled at her like she was deaf, “NO ONE WAS MEAN TO YOU!” However, no amount of reasoning, yelling, or gesticulation appeared to sway the perpetual hair twirler’s perspective.
Ramona yelled at Jill for not apologizing upon arrival and got a little showy with her charade skills in the process. 
Sonja commented that while they did throw out a friend, it was rude for Jill to show up unannounced. It is rude to show up without calling, but when a guest arrives you really need to make the best of it. As Kelly would say, make lemons out of lemonade. 
Countess LuAnn proved elegance is learned when she spoke frankly about the challenges of the last couple years. She refused to directly comment on the infidelity rumors, but I don’t think we care if she boinked behind the Count’s back. The smug, anti-Semitic prick probably deserved it. Please note, however, no matter how intense things get, the Countess NEVER cries. That bitch has one stiff upper lip. 
Kelly Bensimon reminds us why models really should keep their pie holes shut. Kelly, as a model, peaked eons ago, but that was her contribution. That’s really all she has to give, so you really shouldn’t be surprised she’s a moron. When Andy rolled her montage, all the scenes of her nonsense pieced together emphasized the depth of her idiocy. She ain’t crazy; she’s just really, really, dumb. 
The reunion trifecta ended with Jill pathetically pleading with Bethenny for a hug. Jill repeated “I really miss you,” through tears, to which Bethenny coldly responded, “I know.”
Andy didn’t miss a beat, and we picked up right where we left off on part 1 of the reunion. I hear this marathon of crazy was taped over an eight hour period. 
Alex and Bethenny said Jill only wanted to make up with Bethenny because she looked bad on TV. Jill admitted that she didn’t want to be the one who appeared to antagonize the pregnant engaged girl. 
In the first segment, Jill just bent over and took it up the ass. Ramona reiterated that Jill tried to talk the Housewives out of filming with Bethenny in an effort to sabotage her show. Unsurprisingly, this anti-filming angle is common practice among the cast since a gathering of more than one Housewife exponentially increases the chances the footage will make the cut. Jill straight up admitted she was wrong, and as a result never looked classier. The barrage of criticism became so intense that Bethenny stepped in to relieve the poor dead horse of its suffering.
Segment two introduced newest Housewife Sonja Morgan and her overactive cougar crotch. Her oversexed video montage seemed out of place amid all the other catfight videos, but it did provide a little levity in a sea of conflict laden exchanges. Let’s take this opportunity to praise Sonja for making the decision to keep her daughter entirely off the show. While she may come off a little vapid, her parenting decision on this point is both thoughtful and responsible. 
Andy rolled footage of all the malapropisms the Housewives busted out this season. Since malapropisms fall from these dumb bitches’ lips like leaves off a tree in autumn, the montage was pretty long and included gems like: 
The final segment started the discush of Scary Island (AKA St. John, I’m sure their board of tourism is thrilled). We learned that Kelly’s breakdown was actually way more severe and major then what aired. Since Bravo has no soul, their exercise of self-restraint in the editing room speaks to the true intensity of the meltdown. 
Kelly recounted her totally fictional account of “systematic bullying” while the other ladies wondered what fucking trip she went on. She claimed there was some sort of island intervention with Bethenny. I’m intrigued. More information please. 
Along this line, the highlight of part 2 of the reunion came when Kelly said in reference to St. John, “I was forced by Bravo to go on the trip.” Andy responded, “That’s not true, but I appreciate it, but it’s not true.” Kelly then snapped back “everybody knows that and…” Andy interrupted, this time with some gay sass, “That’s not true.” Kelly then says “Andy it is true though, but thank you I appreciate that.” I’m over Bethenny and Jill, this snark between Kelly and Andy was the most unexpected zing of the show. You gotta love it when the ladies air Bravo’s dirty laundry. 
The Countess pointed out that Kelly instigated much of the conflict and didn’t follow the program in St. John. Bethenny followed up unleashing on her saying she has psychological and emotional problems. With that, Kelly walked off the stage….
Bethenny was invited to walk in the annual Heart Truth Red Dress Fashion Show to raise awareness for heart disease. This event resulted in major red lipstick/red dress overkill. Red dress, nude lip please. 
In general, Bethenny does look good in red; however, a belly cradle is not a runway walk. Just walk bitch, save the cutesy shit for your lame Learning Annex lectures. 
Afterward, she went shamelessly trolling for compliments from Jason before turning into a four year old when he inevitably told her she did great. What does Jason know about runway anyway? He tucks his button-downs into his jeans.
Upholding her Skinny Girl values, Bethenny ate cake and icing for breakfast as she and Jason discussed adding an addition to Team Bethenny in the way of a new assistant. We also got to see their new apartment in Tribeca which has a connecting office for Bethenny’s biznass. 
Bethenny interviewed several candidates for the position, including an intellectual food-writer and a few gays, before settling on hot, straight, Jewish Max. Cookie basically made the decision by curling up at Max’s feet instead of attacking him like she did every other candidate. If Bethenny fails to discipline Bryn like Cookie, that kid is screwed.
At Megu, Bethenny and Jason put down half the animal kingdom while discussing their impending nuptials. They agreed to a relatively small wedding (40 guests each), but Jason was hesitant and emphasized that his friends and family’s presence was important to him. Then the two argued over whether Jason could watch the watermelon shoot out the cannon. Jason wanted to see the baby born and Bethenny wanted to keep her cooch concealed; neither anticipated her guts would be laid out on a table during an emergency C-section.
Bethenny confessed that she was planning on seeing a therapist to help her cope with her father’s death and all the changes in her life. Then Jason declared, “I think if you’re a couple and you need to go to counseling, it’s over.” This relationship is so fucked, seriously. It really doesn’t appear that these two agree on anything. Before you know it, Bethenny will be doing a reality show as a New York single career mom à la Kelly Cutrone. 
Cut to Bethenny arriving at Dr. Amador’s office, camera crew in tow, to reveal her deepest feelings about the loss of her family, her relationship, and pregnancy. Bethenny admitted that Jason wants people around all the time and she doesn’t. Dr. Amador inquired as to Bethenny’s parents, and she disclosed that she more or less has been out of touch with her parents since she was fifteen and never really had a relationship with her dad. She confessed that even on his deathbed, her father failed to acknowledge her in a way she desperately needed him to for closure. Dr. Amador concluded, “If I had the experience you described I’d be terrified of relationships.” 
Max showed up for his first day of work, and Jason came in to beat his chest and mark his turf. After giving Max a little grief, the two bonded and ended up fist bumping much to Bethenny’s chagrin. Would you hang a picture of your bare ass in your office? Just asking.
Jason reminded Bethenny he was leaving for Florida the next day and she panicked over the housewarming party. Jason’s life-long friend was coming into town, and Bethenny didn’t want him and his girlfriend to stay at their apartment. Bethenny, as a New Yorker, have you not realized that house guests are a part of urban living? She totally over-reacted and unleashed her pregnant pit-bull attack on Jason in the kitchen. They argued over the issue all the way to the jeweler to select their wedding bands before they agreed to shelve the argument during the shopping. 
Since Bethenny explicitly mentioned the name of the jeweler, the rings were probably free or deeply discounted. Therefore, Bethenny’s statements about paying off the rings were totally disingenuous. Me no likey that fake ass shit.
Bethenny prepped for the gathering and complained about having to meet the expectations of guests attending a chef’s party. While she and her gay Chuck hassled Max over his metrosexuality, Bethenny received a call from Jason as the camera panned to ominous snowy weather.
Jason dropped the news that he was not going to make it in time for the party, and this threw Bethenny into full on hysteria. You already have a fucking camera crew living at your house Bethenny, what are a few more friends? Woman up, get over it, put on a smile, and host the shit out of the party. 
Bethenny’s discomfort manifested itself as mania, and she prattled a little too loud and fast to all the guests as they arrived. 
In another sign this relationship is doomed, Riccio, Jason’s best man, clearly hated Bethenny as she interrupted and dismissed him to talk about herself. Bethenny complains that fame went to Jill’s head, but it is moments like these where Bethenny proves just how self-important and unlikable she’s become. 
Alex and Simon brought a housewarming orchid (nice touch), and Alex offered to throw Bethenny a wedding/baby shower. 
Jason called to apologize to the group for missing the party. Bethenny admitted all the drama was in her head, but his friends looked truly uncomfortable that they had been left alone with the megalomaniacal reality star.