Tag Archives: Beverly Hills 90210

happy halloween harlots

a word on weddings

As many of you know, I served as a bridesmaid on Friday.  I wore the matching dress – the whole bit.  This wedding was one of the most fun I’ve been to, which in all honesty, was an unexpected surprise.  The whole event got me thinking of the best and worst ceremonies I’ve attended, and what makes some of these events sing while others are off key.  After much nuptial analysis and observation, I humbly offer these considerations when either planning or attending a ceremony.  A chill bride goes a long way in making a wedding day bearable for everyone else.  What makes for a relaxed bride?  An attentive bridal party.  As a bridesmaid your only job is to say “What do you need? What can I get you?  You are the most beautiful.”  The rest of the time anticipate the needs of the bride and her parents.  Remember that attending a wedding as a bridesmaid is a job.  It doesn’t end until the bride pulls away from the reception.  My devotion was so unwavering that I hoisted the bride’s dress up while she peed and lifted her train up all night so it wouldn’t drag in the mud.   I lost a strap on my shoe and improvised with a ribbon and kept it moving.  I doubt anyone really noticed, and I even got a few compliments on my shoes.  Some guests thought it was a creative fashion statement, which really isn’t that farfetched since I’ve been known to wear some pretty fucking random shit on occasion.  Thankfully, I found the strap of my brand new Jeffrey Campbells later that night. Expect at least one bridesmaid, close female friend, or relative to come completely unhinged before or during the big day.  The myriad motivations behind these dramatics vary greatly, but typically include at the very least jealousy, existential crisis, groom hating, Peter Pan Syndrome, and more.  Don’t bother trying to root out the ire.  Just distance yourself from the negativity.  Wait until after the honeymoon to decide if the behavior is a relationship deal-breaker. Friction between the bride’s dad and the groom isn’t exactly uncommon.  Most of that tension can be dealt with early and honestly if the groom nuts up and asks Dad for the bride’s hand.  Some will find this antiquated.  Let me be perfectly clear – the conversation is not some fucked up cow-trading dowry conversation.  The purpose of the chat is to provide the opportunity for any parental concerns to be voiced.  It is also a gesture of respect and goes a long way in garnering good will.  Gays should talk to parents too if feasible under the particular circumstances. Speaking of gays, have some sensitivity to the fact that your best gay friends may be really sick of attending straight weddings when most cannot legally marry themselves.  We’ve discussed buffets here on DC before.  As far as I’m concerned, buffets = barffets.  Consider family style, served plated, or heavy hors d’oeuvres as an alternative.  Don’t you find passed tray hors d’oeuvres kind of  awkward for both server and guest?  Ask yourself when you’ve ever truly been thrilled with a buffet, and then admit that wedding buffets are notoriously bad.  What is it with the limp-ass sauteed vegetable medley?  I love vegetables, but this oft-presented dish is a good reason why they get a bad reputation.  Food must be delicious, appropriately hot or cold, and of a large variety.  Provide fruits, vegetables, cheeses, nuts, and yummy bread, in addition to other options, so those with specific dietary needs can negotiate the meal without a fuss.  Much more to come on weddings and more little doves.  The internet is finally up and running in my new nest, so expect a full posting schedule moving forward.  Thanks again for your kindness and commitment.  Hugs, DC

 

Tori & Dean: Royal Tantrums

Dean cut his hand open preparing for friends and family night at culinary school. The first week of cooking class Dean biffed his egg dish.  Next he sliced his hand open with a knife creating a wound which required 8 stitches.  Dean’s dreams of his own cooking show are going up in a puff of burned frittata smoke.  Doesn’t really matter anyway since these cooking classes still don’t justify his inclusion in the insipid couple segments the content-desperate entertainment shows insist on airing. After complimenting Stella on her good behavior last week, she had to go and blow it with an embarrassing meltdown in dance class. Despite her condition, Tori threw a Royal Wedding Slumber Party where she planned to stay up all night with her gays and staff.  Access Hollywood stopped by for a chat, and then the gang snuggled into the sofa for Kate and Will’s union.  Long live Queen Patsy!Tori lightly dozed on and off through the nuptials and capped the morning with a traditional English breakfast courtesy of Chef McDermott.  With just a wisp of sleep under her pregnant belly, she ran off to film the Fashion Police Royal Wedding Special.Tori suffered a bout of self doubt when she learned that Mel B was 2 months further along in her pregnancy than Tori yet appeared significantly smaller in the belly.In the disorganization that is the McDermott asshole Baby Farm, Tori misplaced the dance bag, and the hunt had the whole family in a late tizzy to get to the dance recital.For this week’s date night, Dean prepared a surprise meal for Tori in The Grill’s kitchen.  While in the kitchen, Dean admitted he had doubts about his commitment to a future in professional food preparation.  For a man in his mid-forties, Dean flits among interests like a college undergrad searching for a major.Tori showed off some parenting skills by working a little reverse psychology on a resistant Liam during a photo shoot for Babytalk magazine.  She obviously learned a lot about coaxing divas dealing with that demanding bitch Brian Austin Green during the BH 90210 days.  On the second shoot for Parenting magazine, Liam threw another fit over his assigned role as Charlie Chaplin, but Dean lured him in with the promise of a mustache.

A Week away is Halloween Day

Halloween is just a week away, so it is officially time to start panicking over a costume.  Beware of these common dress-up blunders to avoid humiliation, mockery, and generally making an ass of yourself this year.

Don’t go too slutty.  Did we learn anything from Kelly Taylor’s turn as a slutty witch on that classic Halloween episode of BH 90210?  Don’t be a desperate shivering bitch tromping around in next-to-nothing.  Halloween is not an excuse to act out your deepest exhibitionist fantasy in public.  Go with a clever rather than cooter-revealing costume to elicit legit attention.  On this same tip, dressing up as Snooki is so 3 years ago and totally forbidden.Don’t overly complicate.  Returning to BH 90210, (where all of life’s most essential lessons are learned), don’t pull a Donna Martin mermaid moment and wear some get-up that restricts basic mobility.  Everyone will snicker behind your back and it smacks of over-effort. On the other end of the spectrum, Don’t go too cutesy.  The most successful costumes frighten, disguise, imitate, or evoke humor.  If you wanna go pretty-pretty princess, throw on an old prom dress, pour fake blood over your head, and go as Carrie

PLEASE, FOR YOU TO WATCH

10.   Beverly Hills 90210, Season 3

We all know that like many shows Beverly Hills, 90210 stuck around long after its expiration date, but that does not diminish the pure back stabbing joy of season three.  While Brenda and Donna eat brains, fake French accents, and narrowly escape dabbling in porn, Kelly and Dylan heat things up back in L.A.  I can already hear Sadie B. Hawkins “Damn, I Wish I was Your Lover” swelling in the background.

9.   The Comeback

Fuck Friends, this is Lisa Kudrow at her very best.  At times squeamishly uncomfortable, this show hits a pitch perfect tone that feels totally authentic.  Look for early performances from Malin Akerman, Laura Silverman (Sarah Silverman‘s sister), and Kellan Lutz.  Brought to you by Michael Patrick King of SATC fame.

8. That 70′s Show, Seasons 1-4

This show is a stoner’s delight.  Seasons 1-4 maintain consistent laughs with enjoyable fashion and Ashton Kutcher before his ego made him unattractive.  Pull out the bong, gather your friends, and revisit this hilarious series.  Don’t bother with seasons 5+, it’ll just make you wonder how they managed to fuck up such a good thing.

7.   The L Word

To really enjoy a show I need some juicy women characters, and The L Word is in no short supply of strong female leads.  Jennifer Beals of Flashdance nostalgia anchors the show with gravitas; while the poor man’s Jennifer Connelly, Mia Kirshner, brings a certain goth Lolita charm.  Good fashion, great hair, and with all the girl on girl action you might even be able to get your boyfriend on board.

6.  True Blood

I won’t bore you by recapitulating the heaps of praise already ladled on this show, but if you are staying away because you are over the vampire thing, you are really missing out.  True Blood’s heady mood stanks like a Louisiana swamp, think Anne Rice + Twin Peaks + Cheers + a healthy dose of homoeroticism thrown in for good measure.  Don’t worry, after the first or second episode you’ll forget about that huge fucking gap in Paquin’s teeth.

5.  Mad Men

Painstaking research and attention to detail goes into making this show as historically accurate as possible.  No sloppy anachronisms here.  The award-winning costume designers bring bold fashion, raising the stakes each episode.  I don’t know if I love Don Draper or hate him, but I do know I would kill to raid Betty’s closet.

4.  Freaks and Geeks

As far as I’m concerned this is where James Franco, Seth Rogen, and Jason Segel got their start, and they aren’t even the best part of this show. Gets the feeling of early 80′s Detroit just right, and is probably the most accurate depiction of high school of all the high school series.

3.  My So-Called Life

Jordan fucking Catalano bitches!  Jared Leto justifies his increasingly irrelevant existence by having served as Jordan fucking Catalano.  Trust me, this was his peak.  Beyond that muffin, Claire Danes does good work here, as does A.J. Langer as Rayanne Graff.  This show succeeds where many fail in seamlessly integrating the parental story lines with that of the teenagers.  Endlessly quotable dialogue makes up for the dreadful fashion.

2.  Gilmore Girls

When I criticized Gossip Girl for its failure to create over-arching story lines to sustain the series, I was thinking about how Gilmore Girls did this so brilliantly.  The Luke/Lorelai relationship stretched seven seasons without contrived delays.  Lauren Graham was fucking robbed in having never been nominated for an Emmy.  She really shows her chops with her natural delivery of quick-fire witty dialogue.  I will never tire of this show.

  1. Sex and the City

I recently re-watched the entire series to see if it holds up, and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t feel as fresh now as it did in the late 90′s.  Patricia Field created genius, detailed, memorable images.  Every time I watch it, I see something new and brilliant.  She succeeded in never dating the series with clothes.  The themes remain relevant, and Sarah Jessica Parker is at her very best as Carrie Bradshaw.