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Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala. The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there). The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion. If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is? Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction. I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win. Is she fucking with us? I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform. Nude illusion, really girl? Pink shiny too short long sleeves? What? A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink? Incomprehensible. How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year? So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci. I’m not sure we can blame him. All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot. Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe. The gloves are totally freaking me out. Hand camo. Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style. I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown. I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right? Do we like Annie as a blonde? I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan. I do love the orange lip and fishnets. Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment. In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously. She smacks of try. The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior. Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP? Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie. The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair. Punk Glam Granny?Opa! Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen. What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart. Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately. She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung. She’s our modern day Audrey. Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked. Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately. Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume. For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up. You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte. Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem. The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else. Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala? Sheesh. Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch? Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga. Die for the safety pin. It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be. Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors. The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen! Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age. Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.
Calm down Gisele. (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).
The Mamas KnowlesJoan and Christina CrawfordLeo loves his Ma and his G’Ma.Kanye and Donda WestGwyneth and BlytheThe JuddsKathy and Maggie GriffinJoan and MelissaJudy and Liza Kandi and JoyceSean and Janice
As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC. The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute. Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better. Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock. Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose. Who the fuck stands like that in real life? The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural. Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture? I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity. By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners. Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times. I hate almost every single thing about this dress. It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number. It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous. Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn. Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve. No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role. Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery. The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me. Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice. She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her. The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event. Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob. Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses? If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body. Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what? Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron Diaz? Stella McCartney provided the matronly gown. Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency. J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment. The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom. Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married? I dislike them each individually more when they are together. Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet. We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself if she were locked in a Chanel store. When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low. Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them. Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career. Dunst looks pissed. I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year. I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo! I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall. At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it. However, you are not Lady Gaga. This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp. That’s called swagger bitches. Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior. Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully. J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford. Snooze. Scarjo no! This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala. I need more modernity from you Scarlett! You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma! Bad, bad Grandma! We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid. Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met Gala. Jessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh. Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom stuck to boring black this year. Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?
Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?
Yesterday, I began an intensive training with a well-known Expert. Almost 40 people paid a few thousand bucks each to spend 9 hours a day with this woman for the next 25 days. So today after sitting around howling at the Moon, the instructor turns to one of underlings who informs us that Expert “isn’t available during breaks or after class.” Bitch Please. The instructor is raking in over $150,000, and she can’t bother to say hello in the hallway? I totally understand time vampire sycophants, but I’m pretty sure you can get a VIP ticket with a little face-to-face time with fucking Beyoncé for $4,000. Slow your roll with the “totally unavailable” talk. Not only is this a rude and self-important first impression, but what kind of teacher imposes such an impersonal limitation on the student-teacher relationship?
Happy Birthday Aquarius! Neptune enters the scene this month for Aquarius, leaving you cloudy, burry, and seeing life through a Vaseline-coated lens. This is not the month for communication, big decisions, or executing plans. Seek a second opinion from a trusted expert if you must move ahead with major moments in February. This phase of lapsed judgment will pass as the stars change, so don’t panic. Stick to habits, routines, and grounding activities. Your greatest moments of clarity will come from artistic expression, so put energy towards painting, sewing, dancing, or whatever your form of creativity. The theme of your romantic life this month should be STFU. Don’t whine and keep your feelings to yourself. You will save yourself from a mountain full of unnecessary drama, and others will not only notice, but admire your silent suffering.
Pisces turn inward this February and regroup with periods of peaceful isolation. To move forward, Pisces must formulate a plan without distraction. Money has never been of greater concern, and financial strategy becomes an essential part of charting the course ahead. Get ultra organized, follow a schedule, and handle your bizness. As you well know, time is passing quickly. Do not let it pass you by. As for love, inhibitions leave you uncommunicative, and you rightly sense a general lack of receptivity to your ideas. If relations become too strained, take a break.
The theme for Aries in February is caretaking. Take care of yourself, family, friends and animals. Clean the house. Bake a muffin. Make others feel loved and important. Push through daily goals. Receive acknowledgments, praise, and recognition with tact. In intimate relations, frustrated desires and obstacles trigger anger resulting in rash behavior and ultimately regret. Control that fiery temper in the face of unavoidable conflict and confrontation.
Taurus splits energy between two areas this February: spirituality and law. First, the strictures and confines of traditional religion comfort Taurus, and now more than ever you may feel drawn to worship in the traditional sense. Feel no shame in exploring this path further. Legal matters take practical precedence. Document drafting, financial planning, and future predictions mix together to make or break the venture. Provide authentic and accurate information.
Geminis always feel a bit put upon, like no one appreciates their gifts. Give the constant quest for recognition a rest, and turn your energy towards your financial resources. Are you allocating them wisely? Tend to debts and everything you and your partner hold in common. Speaking of partners, perplexing relationship issues seem clear to you now. Geminis begin to understand their part and the part their honeys play in relationship breakdowns. Patience, compassion, and kindness smooth rough patches.
February continues a theme of balance and stability which extends throughout 2012. To really feel heard, you need to share your troubles with those around you. The wise advice of your confidants proves especially helpful and soothing. Listen to your intuition and avoid involvements that feel uncomfortable. This time you’ll get a second bite at the apple. When on a pessimistic jag, Cancers can get a little me-against-the-world. Don’t give into that self-pitying tendency. Indulge it, and you’ll end up feeling overwhelmed and pressured.
Leos must balance practicality against romanticism and provide a generous allotment of time for both. Professionally, get organized and maximize your contribution by remaining orderly and efficient. Make deliberate and mindful decisions. This is not the month to play therapist with troubled co-workers. At most, help colleagues with new methods. Play with puppies, ride horses, and walk the dog. Now is the time for the joy of animals. Leos fan the flames of romance this Valentine’s Day, and your effort is noticed and appreciated by the recipient of all your good woo. Leos relax competitiveness, work to please and create harmony. Someone will try and seduce you; only you can decide if you want to fuck.
Spend energy showing others how much you care this February Virgo. Repair any frayed relationship edges. Put your own concerns aside and offer others sustenance and praise. You will receive great blessings for your generosity. Unfortunately this February won’t be particularly romantic. Discord plagues personal relationships. Finding meaningful emotional connections proves challenging this month. This fleeting phase will pass, so don’t overreact. Closeness resumes between you and your partner as the stars change. Allow this energy to pass without forcing any issues and all will return to normal soon.
Libras need to tie up loose ends in February. Envision the end result and then consider how to methodically implement order and complete the unfinished. Picturing goals accomplished conjures magic that will help Libras spin action into manifestation. Remain patient. Use talents for the benefit of others. You will shine brightest when you share your resources. Appreciation and positivity follows. A beneficial opportunity may arise from an opportunity or contact.
Scorpios look to find their highest purpose and means of serving this year. You must communicate values, ideals, and beliefs to shape your destiny. Chat with neighbors, reach out to family, and keep the lines of communication open. Honor responsibilities and commitments. So few folks are reliable; take pride in your dependability. Now more than ever, Scorpios crave love, affection, beauty and pleasure. Impulse control might be a problem for Scorpios who haven’t learned to manage their baser instincts. Lingering unhappiness in a close relationship surfaces now. Discuss your concerns, make an effort and see what happens. Short trips provide beneficial insights.
Ambition surges through Sags in February. This is a time to define and determine your values. Give thoughtfully. Surprise your loved ones with unexpected tokens of affection. These small gestures create indelible memories for the recipients. Sags reap rewards when they let go of expectation. Extra charming, your flirting boosts the confidence of those around you. Those in your circle perceive you as loving, affectionate, and aware of their needs and feelings. Because of your strong relationships, others are willing to help and cooperate with your trajectory.
Capricorns focus on health and creating a lifestyle which supports wellness. With this new regimen of self-care, you will take on a new glow and even the Sun will shine a little brighter. Capricorns spin self-esteem out of accomplishment. The New Moon brings old conflicts. The easiest solution is to flee the scene. Strange, cryptic, or unsettling moments are actually disguised compliments. Unexpected friendly messages arrive from unlikely sources. While you may not understand, listen. Use honesty and share. Avoid assumptions.
Love Adele, but this boring-ass dress explains why she’s often photographed from the shoulders up. Fucking gross yo. Beyoncé does her bun in the oven pose in tangerine Lanvin. I’m sure Gwyneth is thrilled at the prospect of sharing her homemade organic baby food recipes.Miley Cyrus in Cavalli and Selena Gomez in Julien Macdonald, these two twats look 35.
Justin Beiber is the only young lady who dressed her age.
You can take the whores out of the Shore, but not the Shore out of these whores.Jojo you know it’s just a little too late…
All that auditing has dulled her taste in clothes. Katie dressed like she was attending a parent-teacher conference instead of the VMAs. The awkward stance and hideous booties do nothing to redeem the look. The fact that Pete Wentz topped the best dress should give you an indication of the evening’s style caliber. Wasn’t wowed by Mizz Saldana in a embellished LBD by Barbara Bui, but I’ll still probably see her new movie Colombiana. For Katy Perry life is a costume party rather than a fashion show. Here she channeled her “happy endings” look.
This is not an appropriate response to a cold sore Nicki.
More of the same from Miss Piggy’s Armenian cousin who always serves too much titty, too much belly, and too much hair.
Beyoncé’s new record 4 came out this week and it isn’t very impressive or interesting. The mainstream media blows rose petals up B’s ass all day long, but is she really all that? The highly overrated Beyoncé has got issues, and here’s just 4.Some might argue that despite the success of Dangerously in Love and B’Day, Beyoncé has yet to release a seminal work. In this download-the-single world, some may not see the importance of a well-constructed, complete album, but releasing an album with 2 hit singles and 10-12 tracks of filler illustrates the difference between a greedy paper chaser (Forbes top-earner 2009) and artistic integrity. When Beyoncé is on, she’s really, really, sublime, see – Ring the Alarm, Me, Myself & I, but her filler is so offensive it makes you question her overall standards.Beyoncé’s fucking boring. Next to Gaga’s theatrics and Rihanna’s edgier sexuality, Beyoncé’s show looks like a cotillion. Respectful, well-behaved, and lady-like, Beyoncé’s biggest rebellion is wearing a heavily-enforced diaper on stage and setting her wind-machine to high. Hanging out with Gwyneth fucking Paltrow isn’t doing much for her swagger either. These days, stepping out with Beyoncé is more akin to visiting with your proper aunt than raging with a rockstar.Beyoncé’s stuck in a rut. The lyrically uninspired 4 sounds like it could have come out three years ago. Tired and unoriginal, Beyoncé vacillates between deferential obedience and put-him-in-his place neck-rolls, all very well-tread ground for the artist. What’s new here? Nada.
It takes more than a mythical range and amazing vocal control to make a hit record – just ask Christina Aguilera. Beyoncé works in all the grunts, runs, and big-note belting she can, but we’ve seen all these tricks before, and they do nothing to bring the snoozy 4 to life.
With all of Beyoncé’s access and resources, there really isn’t an excuse for this mediocre offering. You won’t hear the truth elsewhere because Tina Knowles scares the shit out of everyone.
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