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July 2014 Horoscopes

CancerCANCER

Happy Birthday Little Crab!  Since last June, your life has been awash in change thanks to Jupiter in Cancer, but he’s shifting into your career sector which means travel, money, and most importantly enjoying the tangible fruits of your labor.  Over the next year, enjoy massive professional growth potential.  At long last, your paycheck becomes commensurate with your long undervalued abilities.  Stability sounds really good right?  Save your money.  This is not the time to take an expensive vacation, but feel free to plan for January or February of next year.  Buckle down at work while the wind is at your back.  When your shit’s together you make a rather attractive prospect, so don’t be surprised if an engagement arrives seemingly out of the blue.  Just remember dear Cancer, you are worthy and deserving of all the good fortune coming your way.  Rather than indulging in the anxiety of waiting for the proverbial “other shoe to drop,” enjoy the blessings life has bestowed upon you.

LeoLEO

July is a huge month for you Leo as Jupiter moves into your house mid-month and stays for the next year like some sort of sofa-crashing celestial fairy godmother.  For you Leo, over the next year Jupiter means true love.  If you are single, it is unlikely you will remain so for very long.  Established relationships feel ripe for matrimony now under Jupiter’s influence.  Before Jupiter comes on the 16th, meet unmet obligations and finish the unfinished.  Messiness won’t serve you during your reign.  Also, parcel out some quiet and solitude.  The beginning of the month feels a bit low energy, so don’t force the socializing.  Your time to shine will come the last two weeks of the month and especially between the 24-26th.  Hold on to your dick Leo, life’s about to get much BIGGER.

VirgoVIRGO

The first two weeks of July serve up a series of last minute opportunities for travel and adventure.  Enjoy a few spontaneous moments before settling into a quieter period of healing and self-reflection that will continue over the next year.  Weeding out the dead leaves to allow for new growth proves pivotal in preparing for new blessings.  With regard to work, schedule important talks with valuable contacts on the 24th when the Sun is shining on you favorably.  Jupiter’s shift indicates an end to a twelve year cycle or relationship.  Is it time to say good by to an unsatisfying relationship or addiction?  Now is the time to tackle the emotional work you’ve been neglecting. Therapy, anyone?  For some Virgos, you are making the emotional room for a baby.

LibraLIBRA

Libra enjoyed the bountiful influence of Jupiter professionally over the last year, but this month Jupiter moves out of your career and into your teamwork and tech support departments.  This shift provides a more comfortable collaborative energy for you and it leads you into some interesting philanthropic endeavors.  Hope you stashed some cash during your successful professional run because roving Mars enters to increase your living expenses on the 25th.  Unexpected costs arise concerning your home.  Mid-month your social life blooms.  Family plays a major part in making July special.  Take a little trip to your favorite spot with your sweetie and enjoy one another.  A stork might visit.

ScorpioSCORPIO

On July 16th, Jupiter transitions into Leo the governess of your career, expect your professional life to promptly catch fire and stay aflame for the next year, Scorpio.  Opportunity arises for relocation.  Make decisions based on your highest calling.  When Jupiter lives in Cancer, the energy is a little laid back for you.  Scorpio prefers the intensity of Jupiter in Leo where you can make mogul shit happen.  Schedule important communications on July 12th when the reflected light of the full moon illuminates the clarity of your speech.  Saturn’s retrograde has been bogging Scorpio down for months and shaken your confidence.  Saturn finally moves direct this month and she will reward you for all your tenacity and attention to detail before she finally spins out of Scorpio at the end of the year.

SagittariusSAG

The Sagittarius we all know and love reappears with a flourish this July after a lengthy period of charismatic drought.  The past year has tested your closest relationships.  You’ve been hurt and you’ve hurt others.  These experiences have taught you a great deal about vulnerability and trust.  Use the painful moments as evidence of your strength, not as an excuse to harden against others.  Your inner drag queen hasn’t died Sagittarius.  She’s just been at the spa while you do your emotional homework.  Now she’s ready to come back with the high-kicking flourish of a Rockette.  By the time the last two weeks of July roll around, all your mojo returns and you are ready to share what you’ve learned with those who want to know.

CapricornCAP

Hard-working Capricorns just keep trudging, but lately you haven’t advanced as quickly as you are accustomed.   The gridlock of your life is about to free up in July allowing you to ascend unhindered.  The top can be lonely and you crave intimacy.  Ready to make your relationship more permanent?  The 27th is a fortuitous day for an engagement.  Those looking to exit an unsatisfying situation should wait until after the 16th to file dissolution papers.  Caps with no current romantic attachment should direct this potent energy into relationships that can turn a profit.

AquariusAQUARIUS

At the beginning of July, honor Jupiter’s influence for a few final days by focusing on health and well-being.  Exercise, eat well, sleep, and enjoy the nourishment of the outdoors.  Prepare your mind and your body for love because that’s where Jupiter is headed – to your house of partnerships and commitments.  The energy is right for you to find your life partner in the next year.  For those already lovesick, the July 24-26th window makes an exception to stage an engagement or ceremony.  Water Bearers in steady relationships may wake up this month and realize that your relationship feels like high school when you’ve emotionally graduated on to college.  Kindly part ways as lovers and restructure as friends.

PiscesPISCES

These last months have been creative, glamorous, and fun for you Pisces, but they haven’t been the most financially secure with Mars draining your finances.  July requires you get series about your career.  You’ll certainly have the celestial support as Mars enters Scorpio.  Love always matters to Pisces, but even more so over the last year.  Your investment in your partner has resulted in a tight, strong, bond.  Celebrate with a party around the 12th and invite all your single friends.  Mid-month, Jupiter moves into your house of organization, health, and fitness.  Yes, you’d like to lose the gut once and for all, but more importantly this energy is about disciplined focus.  Get your body right.  Get your mind right.  Get your money right.  That’s your three-part mantra this month.

AriesARIES

Felt a bit dazed Aries?  July kicks off right with the release of Mercury’s retrograde which delivers clarity and a jolt of energy.  Saturn too spins out of retrograde freeing up your chances for fame, honor, and acclaim.  Don’t pretend you don’t love to be told how great you are.  After spending the last year governing your home and family, Jupiter moseys on into your realm of pleasure, creativity, and romance where it can turn up the heat dancing with Leo.  Combustion causes change, so get ready for some major shifts.  You shine on July 24th, so get outta the house that day for sure and remind everybody what you’re working with Aries.

Taurus

TAURUS

The first two weeks of July make an excellent time for travel Taurus, so go ahead and take a little trip to the seaside you’ve been longing for.  Even if you can’t go far, go somewhere on the 12th which is a particularly fortuitous day for adventure.  Mid-month Jupiter rolls into the realm of home, personal life, and family where it settles in for the next year.  A change of home, an addition of a baby, or cultivation of family relationships all make sense with Jupiter’s expansive influence.  Mars enters Scorpio which governs your relationships – expect passion, pleasure, and conflict.  Prepare for intense fucking and fighting through the first half of September.

GeminiGEMINI

With expansive Jupiter fattening your bank account over the last year, you’ve had the opportunity to accrue quite the savings.  During the first week of July, you’ll have the opportunity to put some of that wealth at risk for a potentially huge payday.  Whether you win or lose, you’ll learn a great deal about yourself from calculating the risk and forcing yourself to make a decision after much dithering.  Due to massive work demands, you’ll see more fluorescent lighting than daylight this summer.  When you start bitching to yourself about the grind, be grateful you have a job where you can excel.  Feeling restless?  This year provides opportunities to work away from home, travel, and has you contemplating a second piece of property where you can get away.  You have an itch to catch up with far-flung friends, so squeeze those moments in between work obligations.

Met Gala 2014: The Couples

AMBER HEARD GIAMBATTISTA AND JOHNNY DEPP RALPH LAUREN MET BALLJohnny Depp (Ralph Lauren) and Amber Heard (Balenciaga) are like two positively charged ions that repel me.BEYONCE JAYZ GIVENCHYIt was ill-fitting Givenchy for the Carters.  Think Kanye’s pussy hurts because Tisci is cheating on him with JayBLAKE LIVELY RYAN REYNOLDS GUCCIOf course Gucci dressed their spokesbitch Blake and her overrated Reynolds.  Gsus, her body won’t quit.   DAVID AND VICTORIA RALPH LAUREN MET BALLAre these Beckhams human or did someone snatch their wax statues from Madame TussaudsDavid’s in Ralph Lauren and Victoria’s in a gown of her own design.   EMMA STONE THAKOONMy favorite couple of the night Emma Stone (in Thakoon) + Andrew Garfield.   KIM KARDASHIAN LANVIN MET BALLThe brides wore Lanvin.  This is a major improvement over the sofa Kim wore last year, but this gown is still too bulky for her diminutive size.   SARAH SILVERMAN MICHAEL SHEEN MET BALL 2014By the look on her face, I can’t tell if Sarah Silverman is in on the joke and that concerns me.  For a homely guy, Michael Sheen snags a lot of interesting pussy, no?

May 2014 Horoscopes

TaurusTAURUS TORI SPELLING

Happy Birthday Taurus!  After a month of oppositional and tense energy, you are ready for a change both outwardly and inwardly.  Whether it’s a freshening of your personal appearance or a sprucing of your home, invest in a few significant upgrades in May.  Mother’s Day could be a real bitch this year.  Particularly reactive on the 11th, it’s easy to slip back into childish patterns.  Remember you are grown.  Give a nice gift and a pleasant (albeit forced) smile.  Keep your mouth shut or stuff it with pancakes.  Before making any big promises socially or professionally to team up and dream up, view the entire situation through a critical side-eye.  Get nakedly honest regarding the commitment the collaboration entails.  Don’t allow leisure activities originally intended for fun to become burdensome and stressful.  Scale back birthday plans to your nearest and dearest.  Not everybody and their cousin merits an invite.

GeminiGEMINI JOLIE

The days before your birthday are for quiet retreat, Gemini.  The spotlight will soon be yours, take care of any messiness or undone chores nagging your subconscious.  Gemini’s spring cleaning includes weeding your friendship flowerbed of unhealthy additions.  The energy on Mother’s Day could present a number of challenges.  Expect tense family dynamics if you plan to spend the day among loved ones.  Play with the kiddos as an effective strategy for staying out of the fray.  Concerning your health, when is the last time you had a check-up or any preventive care?  Take care of yourself.

Cancer

Embrace light-hearted fun in May, Cancer.  Twirl around parties.  Gossip and flirt.  Enjoy yourself by keeping conversations easy breezy.  Celebrating Mom may feel like a real chore this year, or you may not feel like you are getting credit where credit is due from your own ungrateful offspring and spouse.  Tense energy in the crabshell foreshadows a change in the domestic sphere.  Towards the end of the month, quiet the noise, slow down, and meet unmet obligations in preparation for your birthday.

 LeoJENNIFER LOPEZ LEO

Tap into your blonde ambition Leo, May is the month to make shit happen in your personal industry sector.  Light a match under your ass at work and go for it.  If you can’t see yourself moving onward and upward at your current grind, then put your energy into finding a more rewarding career.  Either way, your efforts will be rewarded.  May showers manifest as tears on Mother’s Day this year.  The tense energy makes for uncomfortable family gatherings.  If you know you can’t control your reactionary temper in the familial context, then limit your dealings to the minimum you can politely manage.

 VirgoBEYONCE VIRGO

Virgo embraces adventure in May.  The daring could take many forms from the obvious – last minute travel – to the less obvious – a meditative journey inward.  Whatever trip you take, there’s a lesson in it for you.  Mother’s Day might be a mutherfucker for reasons beyond your control.  What is within your control is your reaction to unprovoked attacks.  Take a few deep breaths, imbibe a cocktail, and focus on what you love about your family.  With regard to your central relationship, you gotta decide if you are all in or all out because nobody can keep track of your pendulum swinging heart.

 Libra

Libra craves intimacy and meaningful connection in May.  Spend time with your sweetie cuddled up at home.  The oppositional energy of the Grand Cross carries into May.  Libra certainly felt the harsh angles of this unusual stellar arrangement.  Why not take a self-imposed recovery period?  It’s a nice way of sparing us your moody discontentment.  Usually the family diplomat, this Mother’s Day your peace-making talents take temporary leave.  Mid-month, enjoy a burst of full moon Scorpio energy that stimulates career success.

 ScorpioWHOOPI GOLDBERG

Scorpio loves powerful partnership, and the desire to collaborate works up a hunger to define your latest relationship.  Total devotion forms the foundation of your dream union.  Most beings are not capable of that level of intensity or the totality of sacrifice required for mating with you.  Don’t belabor unsatisfying affiliations.  Honor your Ma on Mother’s Day whether near, far, or departed.  Extra-raw on the 11th, Scorpio’s got tail up, stinger poised.  Retract your weaponry Scorpio, today isn’t the day for offensive maneuvering.  We’re all suffering under the same strain, so send up a puff of compassion instead of attacking the weak and vulnerable.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius is ready for some late spring cleaning in May.  First, file your paperwork and thin the stacks of clutter.  Next, pull out some pots and plant yourself a little windowsill garden.  The plants will nourish you in unforeseen ways in the coming months.  They will also clean the air and pump your home full of fresh oxygen.  Ferocious family dynamics have the potential to ruin Mother’s Day.  Unable to hold your tongue under this irrational influence, Sags could be major contributors to the chaos.  Even though at times it feels as though you’ve outgrown your friends, your own self-limiting beliefs are the source of most of your misdirected judgment and criticism.

CapricornCAPRICORN KATE MIDDLETON

Capricorn gets especially expressive in May after feeling downright repressed in April.  For the most part, this chatty streak works to your benefit.  Mother’s Day is the major exception.  Thoughtless comments and misconstrued humor could spark intense overreactions.  Bring a nice gift and stuff your face with food.  Lay in the cut and don’t be a dick.  It isn’t up to you to fix your family.  Instead of wasting energy on unsolicited advice for your clan, apply that care-taking energy to yourself.  Spend the last week of May organizing your life.  Tidy your home.  Eat better.  Refresh the wardrobe.

 AquariusSHAKIRA AQUARIUS

After an incredibly intense April, Aquarius requires a respite!  All the drama, stress, and conflict depleted your resources and patience.  Of all the signs, you are poised to deliver the best Mother’s Day as either the recipient or giver.  However you chose to celebrate motherhood, keep it low key and pampering.  Now is not the time to plan the world’s most elaborate brunch.  Even French toast can’t compete with selfish tantrum throwers – who are bound to make an appearance on the 11th.  Mid-month, an energetic boost in your career helps you decide if you should stay or go.

Pisces

Your noggin is stormy with ideas in May, Pisces.  The notions come quickly and without much elaboration, so keep a notebook handy to jot down thoughts as they strike lightening fast.  A cloud hovers over Mother’s Day.  Pisces acts out with unpredictable moodiness.  If you are struggling to maintain your composure in your toxic familial soup, think of them as strangers and just be polite.  You wouldn’t overtly roll your eyes at a stranger across the lunch table, so don’t do it to your sister at family gatherings.  Towards the end of the month, Pisces feels especially emotionally vulnerable.  Spend this time alone or with a few trusted pals – no needy whiners!

 Aries ARIES REESE

With May comes a healthy dose of reality, Aries.  Start with an assessment of your finances.  Look at your accounts and compare the credit to debit columns.  If you’re running a deficit, you must reverse the flow from outgoing to incoming.  In order to do so, you will have to sacrifice some of your material desires.  Put quality thought and effort into honoring your mother this Mother’s Day.  Defy your selfish reputation by seizing this wonderful opportunity to display your thoughtfulness and love.  Aries’ sexual relationship gets a surge of intensity from the scorpion mid-month.  Everything you’ve been holding back will come spilling out in a gush of brutal honesty.

Sunday with Mom

MET GALA 2013: punc as phuc

Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala.  The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there).  The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion.  If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is?  Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction.  I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win.  Is she fucking with us?  I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform.  Nude illusion, really girl?  Pink shiny too short long sleeves?  What?  A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink?  Incomprehensible.  How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year?  So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci.  I’m not sure we can blame him.  All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot.  Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe.  The gloves are totally freaking me out.  Hand camo.  Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style.  I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown.  I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right?  Do we like Annie as a blonde?  I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan.  I do love the orange lip and fishnets.   Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment.  In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously.  She smacks of try.  The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior.  Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP?  Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie.  The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair.  Punk Glam Granny?Opa!  Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen.  What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart.  Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately.  She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung.  She’s our modern day Audrey.  Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked.  Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately.  Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume.  For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up.  You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte.  Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem.  The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else.  Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala?  Sheesh.  Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch?  Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga.  Die for the safety pin.  It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be.  Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors.  The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen!  Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age.  Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.  

Calm down Gisele.  (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).

Sunday for Ma

The Mamas KnowlesJoan and Christina CrawfordLeo loves his Ma and his G’Ma.Kanye and Donda WestGwyneth and BlytheThe JuddsKathy and Maggie GriffinJoan and MelissaJudy and Liza Kandi and JoyceSean and Janice

MET GALA 2012: impossible conversations about inexplicable selections

As those of us with a pulse know, last night the Met Gala threw down in NYC.  The ball celebrated the opening of the exhibit Schiaparelli and Prada: Impossible Conversations at the Costume Institute.  Let’s have a conversation about the fucking weird ass choices some of these bitches made last night. It is hard to know where to start, so let’s start with some one who should know better.  Rachel Zoe looks like a fringed push pop in this ridiculous-on-her frock.  Zoe styled Karolina Kurkova (where you been girl?) in a gown from her eponymous line. The dress appears to have been heavily influenced by the Armani gown Zoe dressed Anne Hathaway in for the Oscars not too long ago – that Zoe, always full of fresh ideas.Beyoncé loves that stupid ass pose.  Who the fuck stands like that in real life?  The way she stiffly palms her outer thighs is so forced and unnatural.  Do we need to talk about this Givenchy Couture?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it seems to me that Givenchy cares more about appearing on the red carpet than maintaining a high standard of brand integrity.  By my totally unscientific estimation, about one in ten times Givenchy gets it right with their red carpet loaners.  Sorry B, this is definitely not one of those times.  I hate almost every single thing about this dress.  It took some nutz for Christina Ricci to rock this odd Thakoon number.  It isn’t perfect, but it is courageous.  Is she going through another praying mantis phase or is it just a pre-Met crash diet?If Laura Ashley and a flora chintz sofa made a bastard love child, this Valentino blanket that SJP is wearing would be the unholy spawn.  Jessica Paré wore the shit out of this L’Wren Scott gold cap sleeve.  No dummy, our little Megan obviously plans to squeeze every last drop of exposure from her Mad Men supporting role.  Good for her, this was one of the better ensembles of the evening. From one Mrs. Draper to another, January Jones typically pushes boundaries, at times at the expense of flattery.  The more I look at this sculpted Versace, the less it offends me.  Yeah, the peplum has been overdone this season, and yeah yellow and black tends to evoke bumble bee, but I think this is a bold and interesting post-baby choice.  She’s done worse. Lately, Emma Stone has made me forget why I like her.  The color, shape, texture, and timing of this Lanvin cocktail frock is all wrong for this season and this event.  Did she get lost on her way to homecoming?Carey Mulligan co-hosted the event and wore this shield to protect her soul from the despotic clutches of Anna Wintour. Paltrow predictably in Prada presenting a pinch of side boob.  Have we reached a consensus on whether she conservatively augmented her tatas after Moses?  If she’s going to continue to push those absurd Tracy Anderson workouts then she might want to actually wear something that celebrates her hard-fought body.  Unfinished is the word I would use to describe this look.Is Cameron just straight up old now or what?  Squint – is this Sharon Stone or Cameron DiazStella McCartney provided the matronly gown.  Stella McCartney is just mean with some of the ugly ass shit she makes her friends wear, damn.Claire Danes evoked a little Betty Draper from the neck up, which was a welcome departure from her minimalist tendency.  J Mendel conceived of the ill-fitting garment.  The cut accentuates her tiny top and then betrays her by creating the illusion of a big bottom.  Face it, she’s serving sleeveless bathrobe. First, why are these two getting married?  I dislike them each individually more when they are together.  Biel looks like she hemmed that dress with two-sided tape 5 minutes before she strode onto the carpet.  We all know very well that Jessica Biel couldn’t dress herself  if she were locked in a Chanel store.  When it comes to Biel, the expectations are very low.  Yet she still repeatedly fails to meet them.  Much like Justin Timberlake’s acting career.  Dunst looks pissed.  I’d be pissed to if I wore that random shit to the fashion event of the year.  I hate this evening suit almost as much as I hate that overrated Melancholia.Hey Flo!  I truly appreciate your willingness to go balls to the wall.  At Coachella, you served me desert couture and I’m grateful for it.  However, you are not Lady Gaga.  This fussy layered McQueen is an overreach that reads more costume than gala. Prabal Gurung is a pimp.  That’s called swagger bitches.  Recognize. One of the best dressed of the evening – Marion Cotillard in head to toe Dior.  Don’t usually love a sheer bottom, but this dress photographs and fits beautifully.  J’adore. We saw quite a few subtle variations on a very similar look; here Rihanna does the long-sleeved reflective column in black Tom Ford.  Snooze. Scarjo no!  This embellished, pink, antiquated Dolce & Gabbana mess had no bizness at the Met Gala.  I need more modernity from you Scarlett!  You are not a little girl anymore; evolve past this princessy shit. Bad Grandma!  Bad, bad Grandma!  We told you not to leave Shady Pines without a nurse’s aid.  Oh wait, that’s just Mary Kate at the Met GalaJessica Alba improved over last year, but she should have worn this dress then when this Michael Kors metallic lamé might have felt fresh.  Did Brad Goreski style her again this year?The unofficial perennial Prom King and Queen of the Met Ball, Gisele and Tom  stuck to boring black this year.  Is it me or does that photo reveal a bit of tension between the power couple?

Hey Kanye, Anna wouldn’t let you bring Kim?

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: You Ain’t the Dalai Lama

Yesterday, I began an intensive training with a well-known Expert.  Almost 40 people paid a few thousand bucks each to spend 9 hours a day with this woman for the next 25 days.  So today after sitting around howling at the Moon, the instructor turns to one of underlings who informs us that Expert “isn’t available during breaks or after class.”  Bitch Please.  The instructor is raking in over $150,000, and she can’t bother to say hello in the hallway?  I totally understand time vampire sycophants, but I’m pretty sure you can get a VIP ticket with a little face-to-face time with fucking Beyoncé for $4,000.  Slow your roll with the “totally unavailable” talk.  Not only is this a rude and self-important first impression, but what kind of teacher imposes such an impersonal limitation on the student-teacher relationship?

February 2012 Horoscopes

Aquarius

Happy Birthday Aquarius!  Neptune enters the scene this month for Aquarius, leaving you cloudy, burry, and seeing life through a Vaseline-coated lens.  This is not the month for communication, big decisions, or executing plans.  Seek a second opinion from a trusted expert if you must move ahead with major moments in February.  This phase of lapsed judgment will pass as the stars change, so don’t panic.  Stick to habits, routines, and grounding activities.  Your greatest moments of clarity will come from artistic expression, so put energy towards painting, sewing, dancing, or whatever your form of creativity.  The theme of your romantic life this month should be STFU.  Don’t whine and keep your feelings to yourself.  You will save yourself from a mountain full of unnecessary drama, and others will not only notice, but admire your silent suffering.

Pisces

Pisces turn inward this February and regroup with periods of peaceful isolation.  To move forward, Pisces must formulate a plan without distraction.  Money has never been of greater concern, and financial strategy becomes an essential part of charting the course ahead.  Get ultra organized, follow a schedule, and handle your bizness.  As you well know, time is passing quickly.  Do not let it pass you by.  As for love, inhibitions leave you uncommunicative, and you rightly sense a general lack of receptivity to your ideas.  If relations become too strained, take a break.

Aries

The theme for Aries in February is caretaking.  Take care of yourself, family, friends and animals.  Clean the house.  Bake a muffin.  Make others feel loved and important.  Push through daily goals.  Receive acknowledgments, praise, and recognition with tact.  In intimate relations, frustrated desires and obstacles trigger anger resulting in rash behavior and ultimately regret.  Control that fiery temper in the face of unavoidable conflict and confrontation.

Taurus

Taurus splits energy between two areas this February: spirituality and law.  First, the strictures and confines of traditional religion comfort Taurus, and now more than ever you may feel drawn to worship in the traditional sense.  Feel no shame in exploring this path further.  Legal matters take practical precedence.  Document drafting, financial planning, and future predictions mix together to make or break the venture.  Provide authentic and accurate information.

Gemini

Geminis always feel a bit put upon, like no one appreciates their gifts.  Give the constant quest for recognition a rest, and turn your energy towards your financial resources.  Are you allocating them wisely?  Tend to debts and everything you and your partner hold in common.  Speaking of partners, perplexing relationship issues seem clear to you now.  Geminis begin to understand their part and the part their honeys play in relationship breakdowns.  Patience, compassion, and kindness smooth rough patches.

Cancer

February continues a theme of balance and stability which extends throughout 2012.  To really feel heard, you need to share your troubles with those around you.  The wise advice of your confidants proves especially helpful and soothing.  Listen to your intuition and avoid involvements that feel uncomfortable.  This time you’ll get a second bite at the apple.  When on a pessimistic jag, Cancers can get a little me-against-the-world.  Don’t give into that self-pitying tendency.  Indulge it, and you’ll end up feeling overwhelmed and pressured.

Leo

Leos must balance practicality against romanticism and provide a generous allotment of time for both.  Professionally, get organized and maximize your contribution by remaining orderly and efficient.  Make deliberate and mindful decisions.  This is not the month to play therapist with troubled co-workers.  At most, help colleagues with new methods.  Play with puppies, ride horses, and walk the dog.  Now is the time for the joy of animals.  Leos fan the flames of romance this Valentine’s Day, and your effort is noticed and appreciated by the recipient of all your good woo.  Leos relax competitiveness, work to please and create harmony.  Someone will try and seduce you; only you can decide if you want to fuck.

Virgo

Spend energy showing others how much you care this February Virgo.  Repair any frayed relationship edges.  Put your own concerns aside and offer others sustenance and praise. You will receive great blessings for your generosity.  Unfortunately this February won’t be particularly romantic.  Discord plagues personal relationships.  Finding meaningful emotional connections proves challenging this month.  This fleeting phase will pass, so don’t overreact.  Closeness resumes between you and your partner as the stars change.  Allow this energy to pass without forcing any issues and all will return to normal soon.

Libra

Libras need to tie up loose ends in February.  Envision the end result and then consider how to methodically implement order and complete the unfinished.  Picturing goals accomplished conjures magic that will help Libras spin action into manifestation.  Remain patient.  Use talents for the benefit of others.  You will shine brightest when you share your resources.  Appreciation and positivity follows.  A beneficial opportunity may arise from an opportunity or contact.

Scorpio

Scorpios look to find their highest purpose and means of serving this year.  You must communicate values, ideals, and beliefs to shape your destiny.  Chat with neighbors, reach out to family, and keep the lines of communication open.  Honor responsibilities and commitments.  So few folks are reliable; take pride in your dependability.  Now more than ever, Scorpios crave love, affection, beauty and pleasure.  Impulse control might be a problem for Scorpios who haven’t learned to manage their baser instincts.  Lingering unhappiness in a close relationship surfaces now.  Discuss your concerns, make an effort and see what happens.  Short trips provide beneficial insights.

Sagittarius

Ambition surges through Sags in February.  This is a time to define and determine your values.  Give thoughtfully.  Surprise your loved ones with unexpected tokens of affection. These small gestures create indelible memories for the recipients.  Sags reap rewards when they let go of expectation.  Extra charming, your flirting boosts the confidence of those around you.  Those in your circle perceive you as loving, affectionate, and aware of their needs and feelings.  Because of your strong relationships, others are willing to help and cooperate with your trajectory.

Capricorn

Capricorns focus on health and creating a lifestyle which supports wellness.  With this new regimen of self-care, you will take on a new glow and even the Sun will shine a little brighter. Capricorns spin self-esteem out of accomplishment.  The New Moon brings old conflicts.  The easiest solution is to flee the scene.  Strange, cryptic, or unsettling moments are actually disguised compliments.  Unexpected friendly messages arrive from unlikely sources.  While you may not understand, listen.  Use honesty and share.  Avoid assumptions.