Truthfully, Rihanna’s new record really kinda sucks. She musta caught the Christina Aguilera Bionic virus. Symptoms include: repetitious, unoriginal, over-sexed lyrics, forgettable beats, and rushing out an uninventive, stylistically scattershot record. Drinking, S&M references, and cunnilingus, this tired parade of pseudo-sex-shock is all well-tread territory.
She’s at her best on this record (which in this case is minimally competent) when she puts on her shiny dancehall pants and works her patois, but don’t be thinking there is an Umbrella or even Pon de Replay buried in this mediocre mess. You’ve surely heard the Eminem track Love the Way You Lie (Blair and Chuck wore that shit out a few weeks ago). I have no use for Eminem, and I’m telling you their duet is one of the highlights of Loud.
Dumbest song on the record: California King Bed.
Songs that won’t make your ears resent you: Man Down and Raining Men, featuring the highly anticipated Nicki Minaj.
Sia’s new record has a little something for everyone. Clap Your Hands and You’ve Changed are dope up-tempo dance tracks. Bluesy Be Good To Me will appeal to the bawdy broads. Fans of the vulnerable earnestness of Breathe Me will relate to I’m In Here. She even dusts off Oh Father, and sangs it better than Madonna ever has or ever could.
Sia had the good sense to keep all the best stuff for herself instead of putting it into Aguilera’s embarrassingly incompetent Bionic. Christina could take a cue from Sia’s vocal creativity and self-restraint.
Sia possesses one of the most distinctive and resonant voices in modern music. Don’t miss her vocal luminosity on this well-rounded record.