Tag Archives: Brad Pitt

Would You Rather?

Would you rather have your car washed and gassed every week or receive a pair of diamond earrings?Me = care for the car bitch. Would you rather couple with someone of means with no sex drive or a poor person who is always pawing at you?Me = desire over dinero. Would you rather take an exotic trip with four people you barely know or stay home alone?Me = I’d rather be domestically bored than internationally annoyed. Would you rather have 1 oz of premium chocolate or a whole bag of Hershey’s?Me = It’s chocolate so I’ll take either in a pinch, but quality over quantity. Would you rather have a $100,000 home that is paid for or a $1,000,000 home with a mortgage? Me = free and clear. 

 

before the end of summer…

Go outside.  Wasted the summer on the sofa?  There is still plenty of time to get off your ass and feel the sun on your face.  It doesn’t have to be an all day commitment.  My friend Trisha and I took a short but challenging hike over the weekend and celebrated with smoothies and pancakes.  I was back on the couch with the bong by 3 pm, but this time with a misguided sense of accomplishment. Go natural.  Lose the make-up, hair dryer, and trappings of effort and just go as you are for at least a day.  See how good you look free from all the cosmetic “enhancement.”  Ever since I stopped brushing my hair like an Olsen everyone keeps saying how great it looks.  A dialed-down you might receive surprisingly interesting reactions.  Why not cultivate an effortless look by actually using less effort?Embrace frivolity.  Before September strikes, enjoy a moment of total silliness.  Play in a sprinkler.  Wear ridiculous vintage.  Smile at strangers.  Read Jacqueline Susann.  Send a postcard.  Shamelessly court fun.

What about the GAYS Brange?

By now, you’ve surely heard that Brad and Angie are engaged.  How boring, predictable, and smacking of PR strategy.  No one has forgotten that stupid leg Angelina, no one.  Nor that neither of you make movies I actually want to see anymore.It wasn’t even a year ago Brad was on the Ellen DeGeneres show proclaiming with nobility how he wouldn’t marry until the gays could.

What about the gays Brad?  What about the gays!?

Blaming the kids, the couple abandoned their support of those denied the opportunity.  Kids want a lot of things – chocolate, toys, attention.  Wait five minutes and they’ll want something new.  Really shitty to abandon the gays.  Really shitty indeed.  Here’s the ring, since that’s all some of you bitches care about.  No judgment, I was curious too.  I’m almost too distracted by the freaky, vein-snaggled claw to even notice the ring.

2012 Oscars Style Review: The Best, The Worst, The Most, The Toast

The Best: Emma Stone in Giambattista Valli

This gorgeous gown fit her body perfectly, accentuated her tiny waist, and stood out in a sea of mediocrity.  Don’t love the accessories, but I’m not in the mood to quibble.

You Saw It Here First: Shailene Woodley in Valentino Couture

Fresh from the couture collections, Shailene Woodley wore this modern, white, long-sleeved number.  It might look familiar since we featured it as part of the best of Fall 2012 Couture earlier this month.  It’s a little old for her, and her face would benefit from a pop of color, but not a flop by any means.

Most Confusing: Viola Davis in Vera Wang

This looks like the homicide of Puff the Magic Dragon.  A full-on unmitigated lapse in aesthetic judgment.

Fulfilled Potential: Tina Fey in Carolina Herrera

We’ve all been waiting for Tina Fey to step out looking this good.  Finally, she’s really come into her own in this navy peplum-detailed gown.

Evoking a Cult Leader: Gwyneth Paltrow in Tom Ford

I’m not saying I don’t like this, but she’s delivering a whole lot of white here.  Can’t you picture her standing at a podium condescendingly addressing an arena full of Goopies in this odd get-up?   “Follow me, affluent women, to the land of organic peas…”

Most Offensive Overtry: Jennifer Lopez in Zuhair Murad

Nude illusion Fruit Stripe Gum.

Culmination of a Bad Fashion Awards Season Run: Jessica Chastain

Fashion-wise, Chastain hasn’t found her identity.  Her style choices were as varied and uneven as her performances this year.  It looks like she skinned Kimora Lee’s sofa.  Let this be a lesson – McQueen is not for everyone.

Let Me Upgrade You: Clooney in Armani, Keibler in Marchesa

Clooney’s clout ensures his girls-of-the-moment have access to all the best fashion houses and some very high-end clothes, but even in all their borrowed sartorial finery, his dates still look like they should be holding cards above their heads in the middle of a wrestling ring.

Most Predictable: Pitt in Tom Ford and Jolie in Versace Atelier

I’m so bored with these two.  Oh, how fucking shocking you two bitches showed up in black.  Close your legs dear, you’re not dancing the can-can.  Ever since I heard that thing she said to him at the Globes, I’ve kinda hated them.  She turned to him and said “you’re prettier than me.”  Fucking voms yo.

The Bridesmaids: Kristin Wiig in J. Mendel

While the bodice of this dress is tailored beautifully for her body, the placement of the break into the texture is awkward and unflattering.

Melissa McCarthy in Marina Rinaldi

Are we calling this mauve?  I’m pretty sure we issued a fatwa on mauve at the end of the 80′s.

Maya Rudolph in Johanna Johnson

Here’s one of the few purple looks of the night.  It’s a safe, conservative, and unoffensive choice.  The side-swept hair is very Mariah.

Building Relationships Pays Off: Octavia Spencer in Tadashi Shoji

After favorable reviews from fashion folk for her Globes look, Octavia went back to Tadashi Shoji for her Oscar gown.  Clearly, cultivating that relationship has paid off; the designer knows her body and the fit is beautiful.  Second best of the night.

Dress I wanna like, but Don’t: Cameron Diaz in Gucci

I really want to like this Gucci gown, but I don’t.  She needs a waist and this dress gives her no shape through the torso.  It reminds me of a melting chocolate and vanilla soft-serve twist cone.

Consistently Wasted Potential: Michelle Williams in Louis Vuitton

This dress is too fussy, ill-fitting, and heavy for such a delicate wisp of a girl.  This ensemble ain’t right – the necklace, the bag (and I get where they are going with the clash, but here, no), and that gawd awful frump of a saloon-girl-gone-wrong disaster of a frock.

Sure to be Critically EvisceratedRooney Mara in Givenchy

No one will get this.  Even if they did, the cut isn’t flattering to her body.  If you do avant-garde, you have to do it impeccably.

Post-baby Blah: Natalie Portman in vintage Dior

She gave birth to a new era of shitty style.

Two A-List Underwhelmers: Sandra Bullock in Marchesa and Penelope Cruz in Giorgio Armani.

Sandra’s dress isn’t doing her body any favors.  Is a gold shrub trying to munch her bush?  WTF?  Pene, you are almost forty, enough with the princess shit.  Join us in 2012.

February 2012 Horoscopes

Aquarius

Happy Birthday Aquarius!  Neptune enters the scene this month for Aquarius, leaving you cloudy, burry, and seeing life through a Vaseline-coated lens.  This is not the month for communication, big decisions, or executing plans.  Seek a second opinion from a trusted expert if you must move ahead with major moments in February.  This phase of lapsed judgment will pass as the stars change, so don’t panic.  Stick to habits, routines, and grounding activities.  Your greatest moments of clarity will come from artistic expression, so put energy towards painting, sewing, dancing, or whatever your form of creativity.  The theme of your romantic life this month should be STFU.  Don’t whine and keep your feelings to yourself.  You will save yourself from a mountain full of unnecessary drama, and others will not only notice, but admire your silent suffering.

Pisces

Pisces turn inward this February and regroup with periods of peaceful isolation.  To move forward, Pisces must formulate a plan without distraction.  Money has never been of greater concern, and financial strategy becomes an essential part of charting the course ahead.  Get ultra organized, follow a schedule, and handle your bizness.  As you well know, time is passing quickly.  Do not let it pass you by.  As for love, inhibitions leave you uncommunicative, and you rightly sense a general lack of receptivity to your ideas.  If relations become too strained, take a break.

Aries

The theme for Aries in February is caretaking.  Take care of yourself, family, friends and animals.  Clean the house.  Bake a muffin.  Make others feel loved and important.  Push through daily goals.  Receive acknowledgments, praise, and recognition with tact.  In intimate relations, frustrated desires and obstacles trigger anger resulting in rash behavior and ultimately regret.  Control that fiery temper in the face of unavoidable conflict and confrontation.

Taurus

Taurus splits energy between two areas this February: spirituality and law.  First, the strictures and confines of traditional religion comfort Taurus, and now more than ever you may feel drawn to worship in the traditional sense.  Feel no shame in exploring this path further.  Legal matters take practical precedence.  Document drafting, financial planning, and future predictions mix together to make or break the venture.  Provide authentic and accurate information.

Gemini

Geminis always feel a bit put upon, like no one appreciates their gifts.  Give the constant quest for recognition a rest, and turn your energy towards your financial resources.  Are you allocating them wisely?  Tend to debts and everything you and your partner hold in common.  Speaking of partners, perplexing relationship issues seem clear to you now.  Geminis begin to understand their part and the part their honeys play in relationship breakdowns.  Patience, compassion, and kindness smooth rough patches.

Cancer

February continues a theme of balance and stability which extends throughout 2012.  To really feel heard, you need to share your troubles with those around you.  The wise advice of your confidants proves especially helpful and soothing.  Listen to your intuition and avoid involvements that feel uncomfortable.  This time you’ll get a second bite at the apple.  When on a pessimistic jag, Cancers can get a little me-against-the-world.  Don’t give into that self-pitying tendency.  Indulge it, and you’ll end up feeling overwhelmed and pressured.

Leo

Leos must balance practicality against romanticism and provide a generous allotment of time for both.  Professionally, get organized and maximize your contribution by remaining orderly and efficient.  Make deliberate and mindful decisions.  This is not the month to play therapist with troubled co-workers.  At most, help colleagues with new methods.  Play with puppies, ride horses, and walk the dog.  Now is the time for the joy of animals.  Leos fan the flames of romance this Valentine’s Day, and your effort is noticed and appreciated by the recipient of all your good woo.  Leos relax competitiveness, work to please and create harmony.  Someone will try and seduce you; only you can decide if you want to fuck.

Virgo

Spend energy showing others how much you care this February Virgo.  Repair any frayed relationship edges.  Put your own concerns aside and offer others sustenance and praise. You will receive great blessings for your generosity.  Unfortunately this February won’t be particularly romantic.  Discord plagues personal relationships.  Finding meaningful emotional connections proves challenging this month.  This fleeting phase will pass, so don’t overreact.  Closeness resumes between you and your partner as the stars change.  Allow this energy to pass without forcing any issues and all will return to normal soon.

Libra

Libras need to tie up loose ends in February.  Envision the end result and then consider how to methodically implement order and complete the unfinished.  Picturing goals accomplished conjures magic that will help Libras spin action into manifestation.  Remain patient.  Use talents for the benefit of others.  You will shine brightest when you share your resources.  Appreciation and positivity follows.  A beneficial opportunity may arise from an opportunity or contact.

Scorpio

Scorpios look to find their highest purpose and means of serving this year.  You must communicate values, ideals, and beliefs to shape your destiny.  Chat with neighbors, reach out to family, and keep the lines of communication open.  Honor responsibilities and commitments.  So few folks are reliable; take pride in your dependability.  Now more than ever, Scorpios crave love, affection, beauty and pleasure.  Impulse control might be a problem for Scorpios who haven’t learned to manage their baser instincts.  Lingering unhappiness in a close relationship surfaces now.  Discuss your concerns, make an effort and see what happens.  Short trips provide beneficial insights.

Sagittarius

Ambition surges through Sags in February.  This is a time to define and determine your values.  Give thoughtfully.  Surprise your loved ones with unexpected tokens of affection. These small gestures create indelible memories for the recipients.  Sags reap rewards when they let go of expectation.  Extra charming, your flirting boosts the confidence of those around you.  Those in your circle perceive you as loving, affectionate, and aware of their needs and feelings.  Because of your strong relationships, others are willing to help and cooperate with your trajectory.

Capricorn

Capricorns focus on health and creating a lifestyle which supports wellness.  With this new regimen of self-care, you will take on a new glow and even the Sun will shine a little brighter. Capricorns spin self-esteem out of accomplishment.  The New Moon brings old conflicts.  The easiest solution is to flee the scene.  Strange, cryptic, or unsettling moments are actually disguised compliments.  Unexpected friendly messages arrive from unlikely sources.  While you may not understand, listen.  Use honesty and share.  Avoid assumptions.

2012 SAG Awards: saggy nutsackery

No single attendee of the the 2012 SAG Awards snatched “best dressed” by a landslide; rather this red carpet showed subtle improvements – like Tilda Swinton in Lanvin, and not so subtle disappointments like a gawd-awful green Emily Blunt in Oscar de la RentaMany will point to Lea Michele in Versace as best dressed.  Does she look good?  Yes.  Would I be disgusted with myself to name her best dressed?  Yes.  I’m just not personally feeling this silhouette right now.  Even though certain designers are pushing this awkward tea length it’s so hard to wear, as proven by Emma Stone in Alexander McQueen. Michelle Williams wore Valentino.  From the waist up, it is magnificent.  The shoes and bracelet aren’t right.  I’m torn on the subtle asymmetrical hem.  She werks the Mia Farrow better than anyone, no?Jessica Chastain let Calvin Klein sculpt her bosom to delightful results.  One of the best of the night.  What the fuck Kristen Wiig?  Explain this deranged necklace choice.  Shame on you for ruining a Balanciaga with a bad choker. Shall we discuss the couples?  Pitt wore Balenciaga and Jolie wore a Jenny Packham gown reminiscent of a Hefty bag.  Clooney wore Armani and Keibler wore a boring black lace Marchesa.  Is the dress boring or is she?  Both?Me likey Melissa McCarthy’s drapey Badgley Mischka and Natalie Portman in Giambattista Valli too. Glenn Close went big in Zac PosenDiane Lane wasted her incredible body in David Meister. Vergara and Bowen in Marchesa and Temperely London respectively.  I’m not moved by either.Weird whites: Rose Byrne taking a risk in a jumpsuit, (p.s. Is she filming the Anna Wintour biopic with that new hair?)…Zoe Saldana wore Givenchy and it didn’t photograph well.  Viola Davis brought the twins to the party in Marchesa. Let’s end on a high note with Kyra in Pucci, though let this serve as a cautionary tale against tattoos.  The ink on the rib cheapens the look.

Sunday with Matrimony

Better than Salt

Truthfully, since Angelina and Brad have gotten together neither of them have made movies worth seeing.  Brad’s on his anti-sex-symbol-legitimate-actor trajectory, and Angie keeps churning out the same mindless action movies.  Instead of plunking down dough for Angelina’s latest recapitulated offering, why not revisit some of her more worthwhile work?   Like Gia, Jolie’s award-winning, seminal portrayal of a rebellious, drug-addicted supermodel.  It is easy to resent Angelina’s recent, lazy, phoned-in, performances when compared to her authentic embodiment of the complex and unpredictable Gia Carangi.

SAMCRO

We need to discuss Sons of Anarchy so you have time to catch up on the first two seasons before the third season premiere this winter. Despite the overwhelmingly positive reviews, I’ve been slow to jump on the SAMCRO (Sons of Anarchy Motorcycle Club, Redwood Original Charter) bandwagon mostly because I thought it was for white boys who like motorcycles.  I erred in selling this show short.  Motorcycles function in Sons of Anarchy like football does on Friday Night Lights, mostly in the periphery. Reason number one you should watch Sons of Anarchy, Jax Teller.  Think a Thelma and Louise-era Brad Pitt.  For many of you, this will be reason enough. A second compelling reason to watch, Katey Sagal serves up the best acting of her career.  The work she does with her arch in season two deserves accolades come award season. Need a third?  Henry Rollins drops in as a violent, psycho, white supremacist.