Tag Archives: Bravo

Million Dollar Listing L.A.: edith flagg forever

EDITH FLAGG

Just a few days ago, our beloved Edith Flagg passed on to the polyester-lined afterlife at the age of 94.  Edith Flagg survived the Holocaust, made a mint importing synthetic fabric, and enjoyed an especially close relationship with her grandson Josh Flagg.  She sprinkled wisdom, love, and humor throughout the show and stole every scene she shot.  I only knew you through the TV Grandma Edith, but I will miss you.  We all wish we had a grandma like you.  Baruch dayan emet.JOSH-FLAGG-AND-GRANDMA-EDITHHEATHER AND MADISON

Josh Altman’s fiance Heather Bilyeu really fucked up her face.  Nose job, fillers, Botox, does the girl think she’s a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills?  Straight up, she looks older, faker, and weirder, not younger and more beautiful.  Heather’s gone Heidi Montag.  Gross.  I’ve always gotten such a desperate fame-seeing impression of her anyway, and now I can’t even look at her creepy immobile face.

ALTMAN AND HEATHER

I don’t like the new British guys.  I miss Madison, and I really, really, really, miss The Chad.

CHAD ROGERS

 

Online Dating Rituals of the American Male

ONLINE DATING RITUALS OF AMERICAN MALEBravo’s Online Dating Rituals of the American Male perfectly illustrates why I will never internet date.  These guys are fucking losers.  They constantly check dating profiles and message hundreds of women with lame cut+paste opening lines.  For these jackholes, it’s a numbers game.  Throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.  When one of the hundreds of women agrees to show up for a date, the asshole immediately ridicules her appearance (in his head and sometimes out loud).  That’s probably because the woman misleadingly labeled her scantily clad, out-of-date, best-lit profile pics as “model” or “aspiring actress.” ONLINE PROFILE PICSDudes who rely on the internet to meet women are pathetic cowards.  Too afraid of rejection to truly put themselves out there, they would rather use their computer for easy hook-ups.  Some dumbass women believe the guy spent hundreds of hours sifting through online profiles until he found HER and then he thought EUREKA she’s the one!  When in reality, he’s messaged 23 other girls that night and she was just the first to respond.  He probably has a second one lined up if she seems unwilling to put out after a couple rounds of cheap happy hour drinks.  ONLINE DATING RITUALS BARWith unrelenting optimism, these women will apparently date anyone.  I know this because my ex’s best friend is a chubby, smelly, unattractive, uninteresting hunched back who trolls the internet for hook-ups at least 3 times a week.  Why anyone would EVER hook up with him (or my lemming ex or any of his stunted loser friends for that matter) is fucking beyond me.  The hunchbacked troll would NEVER have the balls to approach you in real life because he is a spineless pussy.  Do you want to spend your life in pussy purgatory?  No, I didn’t think so.  HUNCHBACKDelete your profile and hold out for a real life human encounter.  I recently got asked out on a date.  Whether it goes anywhere or not, at least I know he contemplated asking me out several weeks before he finally worked up the courage to ask.  The investment of time and energy means something.  Bravery matters.  Hold out for the Knight.  Don’t settle for fleeting encounters with the Troll.  KNIGHT

 

 

An Unfortunate week for Joanna Krupa’s Pussy

SAD WEEK FOR KRUPA'S PUSSYIt’s only Wednesday, but already I’ve heard whoppers of rumors concerning Joanna Krupa’s crotch.  LISA JOANNA REUNIONOn part one of the Real Housewives of Miami reunion, Brazillian Bridezilla Adriana accused Joanna Krupa (washed-up commercial cheesecake model recently married to Euro-trash clubster lothario) of home-wrecking RHBH Yolanda Foster’s marriage to Mohamed Hadid (all vicious gossip transmitted vis–à–vis Brandi Glanville).  Since the revelation, Mohamed has denied, denied, denied, but I believe, believe, believe.  MOHAMED AND JOANNAOnly fueling the fire, Krupa taunted Brandi on Watch What Happens Live, so Brandi told everybody that she heard from mouthy Mohamed that Joanna has a stank pussy.  Interestingly, Mark Consuelos confirmed the rumor by saying you could tell her pussy smelled just by looking at her.  Smelly bitches have a look apparently.  Thank you Mark ConsuelosJOANNA KRUPA QUESTIONABLE CROTCHFinally, previews for next week’s reunion have angry bitches shouting that Joanna’s pussy’s for hire.  Well what is a past-her-prime Maxim girl to do?  They can’t all be Kate MossJOANNA KRUPA THUMBS UP

 

Hasbeen Housewives

SO MANY HOUSEWIVESWe all know that the Housewives are so over and aren’t worth even minimal fleeting discussion.  Yet, I do think we need to pause to highlight a couple of what-the-fuck moments that transpired during the most recent season of Orange County.GRETCHEN AND SLADE PROPOSALDid Gretchen really propose to Slade?!  Fuck that was embarrassing.  In case you missed it, Gretchen dressed up like the brokedown Fredrick’s of Hollywood version of Marilyn Monroe.  She recorded a tone-deaf love song and surprised Slade with it at his new job playing on-air bully at the radio station.  As she moaned through the off-key ballad, Slade listened intently and realized somewhere half-way through that this warbling mess was his lady-love.  Gretchen lured him to the top of the tallest building in Orange County (10 stories tops) where a helicopter delivered him in a windy swirl of douchedom.  Maybe these two are meant for each other, because his douchery can only be matched by her saccharin fake-barbie doll pageant princess bullshit.  This is a 35 year old woman who clearly has no shame.  Even though Slade has been in more Housewives than breast implants, is ten years her senior, loaded with a mountain of debt, and is widely ridiculed as acting like a little bitch among a whole cast of professional bitches, Gretchen launched into her prepared soliloquy.  The awkward display felt all wrong.  You know it’s bad when Slade takes a knee to accept the proposal.  Shit was all fucked up in this ass-backwards drag engagement.  I personally would never propose to a man.  If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask.  If a woman must ask, I urge her not to recapitulate some well-worn scenario where only the gender roles are switched à la Gretchen and Slade.  There is something so undignified about begging a man to be with you.  Let’s not even get into the stupidity of marrying a man saddled with Slade-caliber life-long debt.  Now that the marriage is on, we can only pray that these two don’t reproduce the vainest, shallowest, most vapid offspring Orange County has ever seen.FUCKED UP PROPOSAL

RYAN ASSHOLEBriana’s husband Ryan demonstrated he is an aggro marine asshole who needs his ass whupped, preferably by affable Uncle BillyRyan is the young version of the closeted abusive military monster dad from American Beauty.  In my experience, people wound that tightly usually end up perpetrating violence.  Did you hear the way he spoke to Lydia’s fairy-dusting stoner Mom?  Then, did you hear how he straight-up lied about it?  Hey moron, you are wearing a mic pack.  Unfortunately in her misguided attempt to rebel against her mother’s tyrannical control, it appears Briana married a dumb asshole with integrity issues.  May he remain indefinitely deployed.  AGRO RYANFinal thought of the day: Andy Cohen is to Bravo what Ryan Seacrest is to E!SAME PERSON DIFFERENT NETWORK

3 for Friday

LUO AND NAOMIIs there anyone on Earth more sublime than Naomi CampbellLuo Zilin, who you surely remember from Naomi’s Top Model knock-off The Face, learned the hard way this week that you do not fuck with Miss Campbell.  After Luo was caught frolicking in Ibiza with Campbell’s ex Vlad Doronin, Naomi blacklisted that ungrateful bitch from the fashion world.  I wish Naomi Campbell offered an apprenticeship in bitchery.  I too would like to learn how to shank bitches at such an elite and international level.  LUO AND VLADGIRL CODE

Seen Girl CodeMTV has finally rolled out something worth watching.  Even though Girl Code is paced for the attention span of the modern twelve year old, many of the insights and practical advice transcend age.  The show is light, funny, occasionally informative, and provides an important platform for young female comics.  Jessimae Peluso will be a star.  JESSIMAE PELUSOVICKI AND GRETCHEN BAD WORKWatching the RHOC has become an exercise in the grotesque.  Need we even discuss Vicki’s face?  I guess I do.  Instead of the chin implant she should have had her double chin removed and her neck tightened.  Gretchen totally fucked up her once lovely face with those lip injections.  This show would be so much more interesting if Bravo dropped all these mutilated bitches and just focused on Lydia’s awesome fairy-dusting stoner mom Judy.JUDY DOOBIE

Brandi’s Bio

Don’t bother buying Brandi Glanville’s book Drinking and Tweeting: And Other Brandi Blunders because she really is as insipid and lacking in insight as one might predict.  Think I am being harsh?  It took her over a decade to figure out Eddie was cheating despite the following trail of philandering clues: 1) All the bills were sent to his parents’ house.

2) He showered before he went to the “gym.”

3) Eddie went out with “the guys” several times a week.

4) He’s an actor.

5) He’s pretty and therefore bombarded with opportunities for strange.

6) According to Brandi, Eddie infected her with an STD, and then tried to convince her she was born with the ailment and was suffering a 35 year symptom onset delay.

Since I took precious time out of my short life to read this mess, here’s a few less publicized morsels from the third-rate tell-all.  Brandi claims Eddie gave her HPV.  I think that means we can infer both LeAnn Rimes and that Scheana chick probably have the warts too.  Brandi describes needing several multiple loop electrosurgical excision procedures to right her wart situation.  (I would seriously shank a disease-spreading bitch, and the bitch in this situation is clearly Eddie.)Brandi admits to obsessive face picking and actually went to hypnotherapy to cure her destructive habit.  Paradoxically, she doesn’t perceive the Botox and fillers as self-mutilating.Brandi was busted for a DUI and reports the Beverly Hills jail has celebrity weeklies in the cells!  How posh.The thing I like most about Brandi is that her Dad was (is?) a pot dealer.Stymied by her toddler when he learned to free himself from his crib, Brandi locked Jake in his room from the outside in at night. If you want to know about Brandi’s body, credit Pilates (and good genes bitch!).Brandi had her vagina surgically tightened and charged it to EddieBrandi hates anal, but isn’t above a little girl-on-girl above the waist action to keep things interesting – mostly interesting for the guys she lets watch.

 

Not a Good Look

Bethenny jet-setting with billionaire Warren Lichtenstein and her daughter Bryn in the midst of a messy divorce is not a good look.Adrienne Maloof and Sean Stewart serving us Harold and Maude is definitely not a good look. Joan Rivers conspicuously ignoring Giuliana’s heinous Globes gown on Fashion Police is suspiciously not a good look. Lance Armstrong’s reluctantly contrite (but for sure contrived) ass was not a good look on Oprah’s Next Chapter.

JLo’s People cover = Not a Good Look. Lisa Vanderpoop’s insipid new spinoff celebrating adulterers is not a good look.

 

The Housewives are so Over

We’ve known all along that The Real Housewives of Wherever celebrates materialistic, shallow, catty, back-biting bitches.  How come watching that shit isn’t fun anymore?  A few theories…What was already artificial is now completely fake.  I have this theory about reality shows.  The first season delivers the most authentic version of a person.  When folks see themselves on TV, they change.  Who can blame them?  Yet rarely do those changes result in improvement.  See Kathy Wakile’s grotesque plastic surgery makeover as a recent example.  These women aren’t friends.  Very few, if any of the ladies, would spend time with each other if they weren’t paid per episode.  Close relationships, even among family, virtually never survive filming.  Fame, ego, and greed quickly replace love, trust, and loyalty.  The contrived drama cooked up by producers has become increasingly nonsensical.  Rather than trust the subtlety of female intrigue to unfold, Bravo impatiently forces it.  It smacks of effort and it’s boring.Two franchises are wrapping up (NYC & Miami) and two more (BH &ATL) are fixing to get underway.  Who else is tired of the constant rotation and inundation of haughty useless women?  I’m not being sanctimonious, I love a bitch fight as much as the next living and breathing person, but the desperate story lines and bad acting on reality have sent me running back into the arms of well-written scripted television.

 

A Gallery of Real Life Girls

I really don’t want to talk about this show Gallery Girls, but I feel like I must.  What can I say that hasn’t already been said?  Yes, it is essentially the reality show version of Girls.  Yes, it is filled with superficial, naïve, spoiled, NYC hipsters with zero work ethic paired with struggling, status-climbing wannabes who would sell their first born child in exchange for bonafide status in the art scene. Gallery Girls is embarrassingly predictable with each girl fulfilling a roll as a specific niche stereotype. Lazy and spoiled Liz has got a rich art collector daddy (Martin Margulies!) and won’t hesitate to remind you she could buy and sell you twice.  Don’t ask her to actually lift a finger at her Eli Klein Gallery internship; she’s just there for the cocktail parties.  Insecure, entitled, and snobby, she reminds me a lot of Paris Hilton, which means you will hate her immediately. Cut from similar cloth as Liz, Maggie’s a DuPont heiress living off her trust fund as she sporadically attends her unpaid internship at the Eli Klein Gallery in a sad attempt to recreate Charlotte’s fictional life from SATC.  The only plausible explanation for Maggie is mood stabilizers.  When she comes back to Eli asking to resume her internship, she almost expresses a cogent thought.  Almost.  The third lady of privilege is called AmyAmy means well, but is just sort of dopey, drunk, and desperate.  Liz spends most of the episode looking down her beak at Amy even though they are both equally insufferable in different ways.  Amy’s just a little too loud, a little too enthusiastic, and a little too bow-clad for this whole scene, despite her best efforts to assimilate. 

Of the struggling Brooklynites, first we have Chantal – a pale, nasally, broke-down ballerina type who wanders around oblivious, but occasionally and unintentionally drops a dead-pan one-liner that will crack you in half.  The best part of Chantal is her utter lack of self-awareness – which makes her secretly amusing, if you can get past the annoying voice.

Whiny yet winsome Claudia has partnered with Chantal and Lara to open End of Century, a boutique/gallery in Manhattan.  Claudia borrowed fifteen grand from her family to get the space up and running and is now realizing her hipster friends aren’t so reliable when it comes to actual work.  A true twenty-something, her guiding ideal for this endeavor: “Friendship comes first, business comes second, and that’s what makes it work.”  Feel free to condescendingly chuckle to yourself. Angela, raised in Orange County by her doctor parents, rebelled against her strict Vietnamese upbringing and moved to Brooklyn to try to make it as a photographer.  An admitted narcissist, Angela comes off as flighty, ungrounded, self-absorbed, attention-seeking, and a bit slutty.  Here’s hoping.  Kerri is the hard-working middle-class type.  You know, the one you are supposed to relate to; the “normal” one.  Kerri has a hard-edged drive that definitely gives the impression that she would step a stiletto on your spine to claw her way to the top.  Her face is all hard angles, and I suspect her personality and ambition are too.  Best believe that kut-throat Kerri is hongrey hunny. After the premiere, I predict we will learn absolutely nothing about art from these real-life Girls, but I do predict this show will serve as more than a cautionary tale for the hazards of wearing red lipstick.  (Why don’t those Brooklyn girls tell each other their grills are smeared with MAC?)  If nothing else, those born and bread on SATC might see all their Carrie Bradshaw ideals come crumbling down in this semi-idealized real-life copycat incarnation.