Don’t bother buying Brandi Glanville’s book Drinking and Tweeting: And Other Brandi Blunders because she really is as insipid and lacking in insight as one might predict. Think I am being harsh? It took her over a decade to figure out Eddie was cheating despite the following trail of philandering clues: 
1) All the bills were sent to his parents’ house.
2) He showered before he went to the “gym.”
3) Eddie went out with “the guys” several times a week.
4) He’s an actor.
5) He’s pretty and therefore bombarded with opportunities for strange.
6) According to Brandi, Eddie infected her with an STD, and then tried to convince her she was born with the ailment and was suffering a 35 year symptom onset delay.
Since I took precious time out of my short life to read this mess, here’s a few less publicized morsels from the third-rate tell-all. 
Brandi claims Eddie gave her HPV. I think that means we can infer both LeAnn Rimes and that Scheana chick probably have the warts too. Brandi describes needing several multiple loop electrosurgical excision procedures to right her wart situation. (I would seriously shank a disease-spreading bitch, and the bitch in this situation is clearly Eddie.)
Brandi admits to obsessive face picking and actually went to hypnotherapy to cure her destructive habit. Paradoxically, she doesn’t perceive the Botox and fillers as self-mutilating.
Brandi was busted for a DUI and reports the Beverly Hills jail has celebrity weeklies in the cells! How posh.
The thing I like most about Brandi is that her Dad was (is?) a pot dealer.
Stymied by her toddler when he learned to free himself from his crib, Brandi locked Jake in his room from the outside in at night. 
If you want to know about Brandi’s body, credit Pilates (and good genes bitch!).
Brandi had her vagina surgically tightened and charged it to Eddie. 
Brandi hates anal, but isn’t above a little girl-on-girl above the waist action to keep things interesting – mostly interesting for the guys she lets watch.
Bethenny jet-setting with billionaire Warren Lichtenstein and her daughter Bryn in the midst of a messy divorce is not a good look.
Adrienne Maloof and Sean Stewart serving us Harold and Maude is definitely not a good look. 
Joan Rivers conspicuously ignoring Giuliana’s heinous Globes gown on Fashion Police is suspiciously not a good look. 
Lance Armstrong’s reluctantly contrite (but for sure contrived) ass was not a good look on Oprah’s Next Chapter.
JLo’s People cover = Not a Good Look. 
Lisa Vanderpoop’s insipid new spinoff celebrating adulterers is not a good look. 
We’ve known all along that The Real Housewives of Wherever celebrates materialistic, shallow, catty, back-biting bitches. How come watching that shit isn’t fun anymore? A few theories…
What was already artificial is now completely fake. I have this theory about reality shows. The first season delivers the most authentic version of a person. When folks see themselves on TV, they change. Who can blame them? Yet rarely do those changes result in improvement. See Kathy Wakile’s grotesque plastic surgery makeover as a recent example. 
These women aren’t friends. Very few, if any of the ladies, would spend time with each other if they weren’t paid per episode. Close relationships, even among family, virtually never survive filming. Fame, ego, and greed quickly replace love, trust, and loyalty. The contrived drama cooked up by producers has become increasingly nonsensical. Rather than trust the subtlety of female intrigue to unfold, Bravo impatiently forces it. It smacks of effort and it’s boring.
Two franchises are wrapping up (NYC & Miami) and two more (BH &ATL) are fixing to get underway. Who else is tired of the constant rotation and inundation of haughty useless women? I’m not being sanctimonious, I love a bitch fight as much as the next living and breathing person, but the desperate story lines and bad acting on reality have sent me running back into the arms of well-written scripted television.
I really don’t want to talk about this show Gallery Girls, but I feel like I must. What can I say that hasn’t already been said? Yes, it is essentially the reality show version of Girls. Yes, it is filled with superficial, naïve, spoiled, NYC hipsters with zero work ethic paired with struggling, status-climbing wannabes who would sell their first born child in exchange for bonafide status in the art scene. 
Gallery Girls is embarrassingly predictable with each girl fulfilling a roll as a specific niche stereotype. 
Lazy and spoiled Liz has got a rich art collector daddy (Martin Margulies!) and won’t hesitate to remind you she could buy and sell you twice. Don’t ask her to actually lift a finger at her Eli Klein Gallery internship; she’s just there for the cocktail parties. Insecure, entitled, and snobby, she reminds me a lot of Paris Hilton, which means you will hate her immediately. 
Cut from similar cloth as Liz, Maggie’s a DuPont heiress living off her trust fund as she sporadically attends her unpaid internship at the Eli Klein Gallery in a sad attempt to recreate Charlotte’s fictional life from SATC. The only plausible explanation for Maggie is mood stabilizers. When she comes back to Eli asking to resume her internship, she almost expresses a cogent thought. Almost. 
The third lady of privilege is called Amy. Amy means well, but is just sort of dopey, drunk, and desperate. Liz spends most of the episode looking down her beak at Amy even though they are both equally insufferable in different ways. Amy’s just a little too loud, a little too enthusiastic, and a little too bow-clad for this whole scene, despite her best efforts to assimilate. 
Of the struggling Brooklynites, first we have Chantal – a pale, nasally, broke-down ballerina type who wanders around oblivious, but occasionally and unintentionally drops a dead-pan one-liner that will crack you in half. The best part of Chantal is her utter lack of self-awareness – which makes her secretly amusing, if you can get past the annoying voice. 
Angela, raised in Orange County by her doctor parents, rebelled against her strict Vietnamese upbringing and moved to Brooklyn to try to make it as a photographer. An admitted narcissist, Angela comes off as flighty, ungrounded, self-absorbed, attention-seeking, and a bit slutty. Here’s hoping. 
Kerri is the hard-working middle-class type. You know, the one you are supposed to relate to; the “normal” one. Kerri has a hard-edged drive that definitely gives the impression that she would step a stiletto on your spine to claw her way to the top. Her face is all hard angles, and I suspect her personality and ambition are too. Best believe that kut-throat Kerri is hongrey hunny. 
After the premiere, I predict we will learn absolutely nothing about art from these real-life Girls, but I do predict this show will serve as more than a cautionary tale for the hazards of wearing red lipstick. (Why don’t those Brooklyn girls tell each other their grills are smeared with MAC?) If nothing else, those born and bread on SATC might see all their Carrie Bradshaw ideals come crumbling down in this semi-idealized real-life copycat incarnation. 
The new girls aren’t cutting it are they? Bravo should have replaced the whole cast with a younger, more vibrant and ambitious group. Rich bitches complaining about medical issues does not make for an interesting program.
The poor man’s Heather Mills broke out her prosthetic at the pedicurist. 
On a a completely unrelated note, it is time to consider a move. The question is, where to go? How about the Phinney House in Cape Cod that dates back to 1659? 
Or how about New Orleans? If you have $3 million+ lying around you could buy the house where The Real World New Orleans was filmed. 
We’ve all been on quite a ride with Mizz Frankel haven’t we? At first, in the earliest days of RHNY, I was sort of fond of her. Perhaps she was just the least offensive member of an all-around offensive group, but for the most part we were rooting for her. 
As her fame, brand, and wealth grew, so did her narcissism, impatience, greed, and need for control. In my opinion, her merger with Jason was just that – a calculated business decision aimed at furthering her appeal to a larger (more lucrative) audience. Along came Bryn, and with her new baby Bethenny had all the the perfect ingredients to market cocktails, shapewear, skin care, books, and more to eager moms. Not to mention Bethenny leveraged her new role as “mommy” to snag sponsorship deals with major players like Pampers. 
First during Bethenny Getting Married? and later throughout Bethenny Ever After, the couple’s total incompatibility became full-on apparent. This last season grew so uncomfortable, I couldn’t even find the humor and fun in writing my silly little recaps. So it comes as no surprise that rumors are flying concerning both parties consulting divorce lawyers.
With divorce rumblings comes financial talk. Several lawyers were asked to comment on what Jason is likely to gain from the split. Now, I ain’t one to gossip, but I heard that Bethenny pushed Jason to sign a pre-nup and a revised post-nuptial agreement. Trust, her assets are protected. Based on her upbringing and past behavior, I contend that Bethenny would not jeopardize her fortune or her daughter’s future for any man. 
Along with the rest of you, I’ve been predicting the demise of this showmance for sometime. During a recent episode, a morsel of information slipped out that only served to cement my hunch about their impending split. Bethenny stated that Jason goes to church every Sunday. Specifically, she said “Jason goes,” the inference being that she stays home and he goes without her. That struck me as a profound proof of the distance between these two. 
Consider how much bullshit Jason endures for Bethenny. How many events must he attend where she is the “star,” and he is the purse-holding husband pushed off the step-and-repeat so the paps can get a clean shot of the money maker? She can’t spend one hour in church with the man? Look, I’m no Bible beater, but church might actually do Bethenny some good. Even if it didn’t, it would show a willingness to support Jason and do something as a family that isn’t 100% focused on Bethenny. The trouble with the current version of Bethenny is that everything in her life and the lives of her hired sycophants is Bethenny-centric. Why do you think Julie left? And let’s not even get into all the unnecessary conflict Frankel caused with Jason’s salt-of-the-Earth parents…
And as for the infidelity rumors with Matt Hesse? The two clearly have chemistry, and Bethenny eyes him with a particular undeniable gleam during their on-air interactions. He knows she wants him and he’ll milk her sexual attraction to maximize his professional and financial future. He’s a self-proclaimed modelizer. Obviously fucking Bethenny is a resume builder, not a dick stiffener. Let her taste a bit of her own overly acidic Skinnygirl medicine with this handsome opportunist. 
As this plays out, I predict the following: 1) First, the couple will offer a wave of denials until a confidential agreement is locked down tight; 2) Jason will NOT end up with anything close to half of Bethenny’s fortune, but she will overpay on the pre-nup/post-nup to preserve and protect her privacy and misdoings; 3) She will hold off announcing the split until after she finds out if her 6 week trial run talk show gets picked up for a full season (it won’t).
As I’m sure you’ve heard, Jessica Simpson had a big ass 9+ lbs baby girl aptly named Maxwell this week. I think it is safe to say we all feel some collective relief knowing that intense gestation has come to a close. These last few weeks looking at her behemoth belly has made me truly uncomfortable. Think she will be able to meet her contractual obligations to Weight Watchers with a newborn baby? Knowing what we do about Jessica, I wonder whether she’ll survive the early days of motherhood without substantial aid from her mom Tina.
Edvard Munch’s The Scream sold to an anonymous buyer for a record-breaking $120 million this week. Is “anonymous buyer” code for Saudi Royal?
Linda Evangelista was back in court this week seeking child support from billionaire baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault. Doesn’t he know she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day? He’s getting a bargain rate at $46,000 a month. 
I gave it two episodes, but Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis spun off in the wrong direction. The premise: Jeff, Jenni, and occasionally Zoila move in with a family and rework one room of their house. Seems promising right? Yeah, in execution the dynamic just isn’t working. 
Of course Jeff serves moments of anal-retentive kookiness, but without the whole gang – pets, servants, sycophants, and deviants all shacked up together in a recently renovated flip, this incarnation lacks the drama and heart of the original. I want to blame this disappointing dud on that creepy Svengali boyfriend Gage, but I know Andy Cohen is the real culprit. 
Notice how ever since The Soup moved to Wednesday it’s lost some of its zhush? How can you do a thorough weekly round-up on a show that airs midweek? Explain this suicidal programming decision por favor. 
Jersey Shore sputtered out like a two-pump chump. I’m guessing that’s what the lesbians affectionately call Vinny after the world’s least erotic three-way. 
Notice Bethenny’s show is building up to the infamous Amador boat trip even though everyone already widely believes the entire event to be staged for the cameras? PR strategy or arrogant stupidity?
Spent the last two days learning some interesting, scientific, and at times witchy stuff about the human body. As if I needed another reason to sleep a full 8-10 hours, apparently the only way to truly rest and repair the adrenal glands is by consistently getting a full 8 hours of sleep. The body repairs the adrenals during a specific period later in the sleep cycle. If sleep is interrupted, the body resets to hour one and misses the opportunity to repair. Can you poop without a stimulant (caffeine, nicotine, etc.) in the morning? If not, this could be a sign of adrenal insufficiency. Stressed, pissy and fatigued? Consider the possibility that your chronic sleep deprivation depletes important hormones. 