Tag Archives: Bravo

I Don’t Like Andy Cohen Anymore

ANDY COHEN DIARIESThe Andy Cohen Diaries: A Deep Look at a Shallow Year may be the laziest book I’ve ever read.  Once, I kinda liked Andy Cohen the way you like your annoying gay cousin.  After drudging through an absurdly tedious 352 pages of narcissistic drivel, now I know that I imbued more credit to Cohen than he rightfully deserves (though my expectations weren’t high for this book).  Cohen meagerly attempts Warholian observation, but the total lack of insight makes his diary read like a glorified to-do list.  A better title might have been The Andy Cohen Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shallow Queen.  Cohen name drops to the point of disorientation failing to provide the reader with even a last name or crumb of context.  Half the time I’m like who the fuck are you talking about, but I never bother to dig very deeply because it’s not even like there’s a morsel of noteworthy gossip to geek out on.  Cohen adopted a dog, Wacha, and like many first-time dog owners is obsessed with his canine to the point of co-dependency.  He had me considering dog adoption for a minute, but then I talked to this lovely woman who warned me she spent $12,000 on vet bills last year for her adopted golden lab.  Poop in the house and a drain on the savings account, no thanks; I’ll keep my clean carpets and compound interest.  Back to the scathing review.  Is there a Razzie equivalent for shitty books?  If so, I nominate The Andy Cohen Diaries for worst book of the year. ANDY COHEN MOWS

Bethenny’s Back at Bravo

BETHENNY AND ANDY COHENIn a last ditch effort to save the franchise, Bravo dug deep into their pockets to lure Bethenny Frankel back to the NYC Housewives next season.  Ugh.  Too little, too late, Bravo.  I have layered distaste for this desperate decision.  Yes, I do believe this stunt casting will temporarily spike the ratings, but after last season’s toilet ratings it would be hard to do worse.  Ramona’s implausible deniablility regarding the implosion of her marriage paired with that new basic blonde bitch made for a dud of a season.RAMONA

When it comes to Bethenny, what haven’t we seen her do?  We’ve watched her destroy friendships for fame, strike it rich, birth her daughter, exploit her marriage for ratings, divorce, and engage in a protracted nasty custody battle.  What do we have to look forward to?  Bethenny and her once-accused-rapist boyfriend walking hand and hand with little Bryn?  That should go over well.BETHENY MICHAEL BRYN

The main difference between the old Bethenny and new Bethenny is net worth.  Bethenny recounts that when she began with RHNY she was teetering towards broke.  Now she sitting on a pile of money looking down at everyone else.  This should create the most interesting shift in the dynamics among the women.  Filthy rich Bethenny has no reason to give a fuck about offending anyone.  I expect a deluge of snide criticism.  She doesn’t need the approval or allegiance of her castmates.  Her wealth keeps her good company.BETHENNY FRANKEL RICH

Rejoining an ensemble cast after a failed talkshow isn’t exactly a propulsive career move.  This is a woman who clearly wants her mug on the blogs whatever the cost to her dignity.  Apparently, it’s gotta be fame and fortune for Mizz Frankel.  It’s rumored one of the contingencies of Frankel agreeing to return was a no-Zarin clause which is unfortunate since Jill’s the only Housewife that could prove a worthy adversary to her former friend.

JILL ZARIN

 

the sentencing

TERESA AND JOE GIUDICEWhat do you think of the sentences handed down to Joe and Teresa Giudice?  I’m not a fan of stupidity, so I’ve never much cared for those two tacky trolls, but to envision Teresa attempting to flip a bolted-down table in a federal penitentiary is almost unimaginable.  As predicted, the judge set their sentences, 15 months for Teresa and 41 months for Joe, to run one after another so a parent is always home with girls.  Their eldest daughter Gia is 14, she’ll be out of high school and off to college (or the stripper pole) before her parents are done with their tag-team incarceration.  For the next 5 years, the girls will be living with one parent while the other parent is in prison.  That’s fucked.  At least Teresa’s well-prepared.  Could any other show better train you for the clink than The Real Housewives of New Jersey?  Even though her bitch-fighting skills may be well-honed, I still recommend she perfect her jailhouse Fabellini recipe before (to quote Apollo Nida) going “asunder.”  TERESA GIUDICE FABELLINIAs for that little meatball Joe, I’m concerned for him and his ability to stomach prison.JOE GIUDICEDo you think these two will stay married through the dark days?  I believe they will.  When you are in the shit that deep with someone, how do you leave?  Conversely, some gossips are saying Joe threw Teresa under the bus and that their marriage is destroyed.  TERESA AND JOE WEDDINGAs for the future of the Real Housewives of New Jersey franchise, do you think the shamelessly desperate-for-ratings Andy Cohen will march Dina Manzo down to the prison for a little OITNB visitation moment?  I’m simultaneously disgusted and interested in such a notion, and that makes me feel a little dirty.  In preparation for her on-air visit, I visualize Teresa swarmed by a makeshift jailhouse glam squad attempting to thread her eyebrows with an unraveling sheet, affix her hair with Jolly Rancher hairspray, and lacquer her lips with Kool-Aid.TERESA MAKEUPAllegedly, Bravo has stalled filming the reunion until the sentences were handed down.  This strategy has understandably created some hostility.  In addition, there’s been talk of a contractually obligated first interview on Watch What Happens Live.  It’s Shakespearean that the very network that created the stars will be the same one to exploit and profit from all the gory details of their undoing.   GIUDICES WWHL

Million Dollar Listing L.A.: edith flagg forever

EDITH FLAGG

Just a few days ago, our beloved Edith Flagg passed on to the polyester-lined afterlife at the age of 94.  Edith Flagg survived the Holocaust, made a mint importing synthetic fabric, and enjoyed an especially close relationship with her grandson Josh Flagg.  She sprinkled wisdom, love, and humor throughout the show and stole every scene she shot.  I only knew you through the TV Grandma Edith, but I will miss you.  We all wish we had a grandma like you.  Baruch dayan emet.JOSH-FLAGG-AND-GRANDMA-EDITHHEATHER AND MADISON

Josh Altman’s fiance Heather Bilyeu really fucked up her face.  Nose job, fillers, Botox, does the girl think she’s a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills?  Straight up, she looks older, faker, and weirder, not younger and more beautiful.  Heather’s gone Heidi Montag.  Gross.  I’ve always gotten such a desperate fame-seeking impression of her anyway, and now I can’t even look at her creepy immobile face.

ALTMAN AND HEATHER

I don’t like the new British guys.  I miss Madison, and I really, really, really, miss The Chad.

CHAD ROGERS

 

Online Dating Rituals of the American Male

ONLINE DATING RITUALS OF AMERICAN MALEBravo’s Online Dating Rituals of the American Male perfectly illustrates why I will never internet date.  These guys are fucking losers.  They constantly check dating profiles and message hundreds of women with lame cut+paste opening lines.  For these jackholes, it’s a numbers game.  Throw everything against the wall and see what sticks.  When one of the hundreds of women agrees to show up for a date, the asshole immediately ridicules her appearance (in his head and sometimes out loud).  That’s probably because the woman misleadingly labeled her scantily clad, out-of-date, best-lit profile pics as “model” or “aspiring actress.” ONLINE PROFILE PICSDudes who rely on the internet to meet women are pathetic cowards.  Too afraid of rejection to truly put themselves out there, they would rather use their computer for easy hook-ups.  Some dumbass women believe the guy spent hundreds of hours sifting through online profiles until he found HER and then he thought EUREKA she’s the one!  When in reality, he’s messaged 23 other girls that night and she was just the first to respond.  He probably has a second one lined up if she seems unwilling to put out after a couple rounds of cheap happy hour drinks.  ONLINE DATING RITUALS BARWith unrelenting optimism, these women will apparently date anyone.  I know this because my ex’s best friend is a chubby, smelly, unattractive, uninteresting hunched back who trolls the internet for hook-ups at least 3 times a week.  Why anyone would EVER hook up with him (or my lemming ex or any of his stunted loser friends for that matter) is fucking beyond me.  The hunchbacked troll would NEVER have the balls to approach you in real life because he is a spineless pussy.  Do you want to spend your life in pussy purgatory?  No, I didn’t think so.  HUNCHBACKDelete your profile and hold out for a real life human encounter.  I recently got asked out on a date.  Whether it goes anywhere or not, at least I know he contemplated asking me out several weeks before he finally worked up the courage to ask.  The investment of time and energy means something.  Bravery matters.  Hold out for the Knight.  Don’t settle for fleeting encounters with the Troll.  KNIGHT

 

 

An Unfortunate week for Joanna Krupa’s Pussy

SAD WEEK FOR KRUPA'S PUSSYIt’s only Wednesday, but already I’ve heard whoppers of rumors concerning Joanna Krupa’s crotch.  LISA JOANNA REUNIONOn part one of the Real Housewives of Miami reunion, Brazillian Bridezilla Adriana accused Joanna Krupa (washed-up commercial cheesecake model recently married to Euro-trash clubster lothario) of home-wrecking RHBH Yolanda Foster’s marriage to Mohamed Hadid (all vicious gossip transmitted vis–à–vis Brandi Glanville).  Since the revelation, Mohamed has denied, denied, denied, but I believe, believe, believe.  MOHAMED AND JOANNAOnly fueling the fire, Krupa taunted Brandi on Watch What Happens Live, so Brandi told everybody that she heard from mouthy Mohamed that Joanna has a stank pussy.  Interestingly, Mark Consuelos confirmed the rumor by saying you could tell her pussy smelled just by looking at her.  Smelly bitches have a look apparently.  Thank you Mark ConsuelosJOANNA KRUPA QUESTIONABLE CROTCHFinally, previews for next week’s reunion have angry bitches shouting that Joanna’s pussy’s for hire.  Well what is a past-her-prime Maxim girl to do?  They can’t all be Kate MossJOANNA KRUPA THUMBS UP

 

Hasbeen Housewives

SO MANY HOUSEWIVESWe all know that the Housewives are so over and aren’t worth even minimal fleeting discussion.  Yet, I do think we need to pause to highlight a couple of what-the-fuck moments that transpired during the most recent season of Orange County.GRETCHEN AND SLADE PROPOSALDid Gretchen really propose to Slade?!  Fuck that was embarrassing.  In case you missed it, Gretchen dressed up like the brokedown Fredrick’s of Hollywood version of Marilyn Monroe.  She recorded a tone-deaf love song and surprised Slade with it at his new job playing on-air bully at the radio station.  As she moaned through the off-key ballad, Slade listened intently and realized somewhere half-way through that this warbling mess was his lady-love.  Gretchen lured him to the top of the tallest building in Orange County (10 stories tops) where a helicopter delivered him in a windy swirl of douchedom.  Maybe these two are meant for each other, because his douchery can only be matched by her saccharin fake-barbie doll pageant princess bullshit.  This is a 35 year old woman who clearly has no shame.  Even though Slade has been in more Housewives than breast implants, is ten years her senior, loaded with a mountain of debt, and is widely ridiculed as acting like a little bitch among a whole cast of professional bitches, Gretchen launched into her prepared soliloquy.  The awkward display felt all wrong.  You know it’s bad when Slade takes a knee to accept the proposal.  Shit was all fucked up in this ass-backwards drag engagement.  I personally would never propose to a man.  If he wants to marry you, he’ll ask.  If a woman must ask, I urge her not to recapitulate some well-worn scenario where only the gender roles are switched à la Gretchen and Slade.  There is something so undignified about begging a man to be with you.  Let’s not even get into the stupidity of marrying a man saddled with Slade-caliber life-long debt.  Now that the marriage is on, we can only pray that these two don’t reproduce the vainest, shallowest, most vapid offspring Orange County has ever seen.FUCKED UP PROPOSAL

RYAN ASSHOLEBriana’s husband Ryan demonstrated he is an aggro marine asshole who needs his ass whupped, preferably by affable Uncle BillyRyan is the young version of the closeted abusive military monster dad from American Beauty.  In my experience, people wound that tightly usually end up perpetrating violence.  Did you hear the way he spoke to Lydia’s fairy-dusting stoner Mom?  Then, did you hear how he straight-up lied about it?  Hey moron, you are wearing a mic pack.  Unfortunately in her misguided attempt to rebel against her mother’s tyrannical control, it appears Briana married a dumb asshole with integrity issues.  May he remain indefinitely deployed.  AGRO RYANFinal thought of the day: Andy Cohen is to Bravo what Ryan Seacrest is to E!SAME PERSON DIFFERENT NETWORK

3 for Friday

LUO AND NAOMIIs there anyone on Earth more sublime than Naomi CampbellLuo Zilin, who you surely remember from Naomi’s Top Model knock-off The Face, learned the hard way this week that you do not fuck with Miss Campbell.  After Luo was caught frolicking in Ibiza with Campbell’s ex Vlad Doronin, Naomi blacklisted that ungrateful bitch from the fashion world.  I wish Naomi Campbell offered an apprenticeship in bitchery.  I too would like to learn how to shank bitches at such an elite and international level.  LUO AND VLADGIRL CODE

Seen Girl CodeMTV has finally rolled out something worth watching.  Even though Girl Code is paced for the attention span of the modern twelve year old, many of the insights and practical advice transcend age.  The show is light, funny, occasionally informative, and provides an important platform for young female comics.  Jessimae Peluso will be a star.  JESSIMAE PELUSOVICKI AND GRETCHEN BAD WORKWatching the RHOC has become an exercise in the grotesque.  Need we even discuss Vicki’s face?  I guess I do.  Instead of the chin implant she should have had her double chin removed and her neck tightened.  Gretchen totally fucked up her once lovely face with those lip injections.  This show would be so much more interesting if Bravo dropped all these mutilated bitches and just focused on Lydia’s awesome fairy-dusting stoner mom Judy.JUDY DOOBIE

Brandi’s Bio

Don’t bother buying Brandi Glanville’s book Drinking and Tweeting: And Other Brandi Blunders because she really is as insipid and lacking in insight as one might predict.  Think I am being harsh?  It took her over a decade to figure out Eddie was cheating despite the following trail of philandering clues: 1) All the bills were sent to his parents’ house.

2) He showered before he went to the “gym.”

3) Eddie went out with “the guys” several times a week.

4) He’s an actor.

5) He’s pretty and therefore bombarded with opportunities for strange.

6) According to Brandi, Eddie infected her with an STD, and then tried to convince her she was born with the ailment and was suffering a 35 year symptom onset delay.

Since I took precious time out of my short life to read this mess, here’s a few less publicized morsels from the third-rate tell-all.  Brandi claims Eddie gave her HPV.  I think that means we can infer both LeAnn Rimes and that Scheana chick probably have the warts too.  Brandi describes needing several multiple loop electrosurgical excision procedures to right her wart situation.  (I would seriously shank a disease-spreading bitch, and the bitch in this situation is clearly Eddie.)Brandi admits to obsessive face picking and actually went to hypnotherapy to cure her destructive habit.  Paradoxically, she doesn’t perceive the Botox and fillers as self-mutilating.Brandi was busted for a DUI and reports the Beverly Hills jail has celebrity weeklies in the cells!  How posh.The thing I like most about Brandi is that her Dad was (is?) a pot dealer.Stymied by her toddler when he learned to free himself from his crib, Brandi locked Jake in his room from the outside in at night. If you want to know about Brandi’s body, credit Pilates (and good genes bitch!).Brandi had her vagina surgically tightened and charged it to EddieBrandi hates anal, but isn’t above a little girl-on-girl above the waist action to keep things interesting – mostly interesting for the guys she lets watch.