A shaggy-haired Jackie Warner’s back on Bravo with a new weight-loss show, Thintervention, beginning next week.
We see you Jeana.
To vicariously live the Thintervention experience, Jackie’s got a couple of workout DVDs on the market. The first, One-on-One Training with Jackie, was shot in 2008. The second, Personal Training with Jackie: Power Circuit Training, was released last year. 
Of the two, One-on-One is the better DVD. It stars familiar faces from the gym including Rebecca and Agostina. The one hour workout is divided into three sections: arms, legs, and abs. Jackie’s not reinventing the wheel; we’re talking lunges, squats, sit-ups, and biceps curls. Each trainer does a different part of the workout as Jackie cues the exercises and corrects form. Most workout videos aren’t very challenging, and on a scale of 1 to 10, this one ranks about a 6.5. Overall, it is a pretty well-rounded and complete strength training workout. You will need about a six by six area of clear space and a set of hand weights. 
Power Circuit Training has different menu options: 40 minute total body, 15 min total body, 15 min abs, 15 min lower body, and 15 minute upper body. The full workout runs 42.54 minutes. No familiar trainers here; never seen these folks before. Jackie leads her usual warm-up for about 5 minutes. The circuits begin with legs, followed by chest, back, arms, and abs. Warner relies on boring (but effective) moves like squats, lunges, and shoulder presses. There are three exercises per circuit; first done slower and longer, then faster and quicker. Jackie actually exercises; sometimes with questionable form. This one did not feel very challenging. Too much of it involved lying on floor. Compound movements would make this video more interesting, effective, and calorie torching. On a scale of 1 to 10, a barely taxing 4.
Just days before the Oscars, Team Zoe multitasked trying to cover the collections in Europe and collecting gowns for the awards show in L.A. Even though the best frocks seemed to be slipping through her fingers, Zoe dropped everything to rush to London at Kate Hudson’s beckoning.
Aflutter with an A-list celebrity contact-high, Zoe was too concerned with wedging her head up Hudson’s ass to panic over her unmet professional obligations. Even though Burberry surely sent over a narrow range of options for Kate to wear to the show, Rachel took credit for Hudson’s look. A puffy-faced Kate rocked a military pea coat over a sequined mini dress in two different shades of green.
While imperfectly executed here, ladies take note, don’t run all over town, in the middle of the winter, in a minuscule dress, with no coat, freezing your ass off. Consider a cocktail-military combination and challenge the traditional assumptions of femininity, masculinity, day, and evening. Remember, shivering is not chic. 
Post-show, Kate and Rachel debated the merits of men in turtlenecks (Rachel pro, Kate con). Then Kate broke out into a few lines of Fleetwood Mac’s Silver Springs a capella, which was simultaneously annoying and impressive.
Rachel and Kate returned back to the hotel room where Rodger was curled up in his robe on the bed. Kate and Rodger double-teamed Rachel on the baby issue, but it’s kind of obvious she doesn’t want one. This would be Zoe’s wisest decision since the last thing the world needs is any more people.
Rachel raced back to Milan to join Brad for the shows. They met at a vintage store, Rachel in a Yves St. Laurent leopard trench, and Brad channeling Halston in a controversial turtleneck. Rachel justified her conspicuous consumption by rationalizing she would model her dreadful QVC line after her vintage finds. Brad walked away the true winner, scoring a ferocious felt gray wool man cape.
First Alberta Ferretti, a purveyor of modern, feminine, Italian elegance. The collection lacked any really Oscar contenders, but watching Rachel kiss designer ass never really gets boring.
Next Team Zoe ventured to the Missoni showroom where we met up with the (overrated) Margherita Missoni and her (underrated) mother, Angela. Margherita showed the group a bag with a pocket made of chicken feet, and this was Rachel’s reaction.
Can’t stop by Milano and not drop in on Versace. Brad even donned his D jacket for Donatella. Donatella and her gigantic lips greeted a gushing Rachel. Brad turned splotchy red, shifted his weight, and wore a tight nervous smile as he cradled Rachel’s coat like her little fur bitch.
The show itself produced nil in the way of Oscar options, leaving Team Zoe in much the same position as when they commenced Milan Fashion Week.
Later that night, Rachel and the rest of Team Zoe argued over whether she should wear thigh-high boots or patent leather platform wedges. Even though the boots were better and more fashion forward, Rachel chose the same tired platforms we’ve seen her in 1,000 times. Shoes aren’t the problem. She’s so fucking skinny she looks like glamour granny in everything she wears anyway.
At the Bulgari event, Julianne Moore barely tolerated Rachel’s superficiality. When Zoe inquired as to what Moore would don at the Oscars, Julianne answered Calvin Klein. This revelation smacked Rachel back into the reality that neither of her clients have gowns for the Oscars taking place less than a week away.
Back in L.A., a few dresses, including the Oscar de la Renta princess gown, began to trickle into the studio. However, Rachel began to suffer the harsh consequences of her irresponsible decision to flee to London to lick Hudson buns when she lost three of her top Oscar choices to other stylists.
Rodger tried to talk Rachel off the ledge by arguing that it isn’t a reality until the client knows about a dress and loses it. Irate, Rachel countered, “But you know when you know it existed? When it’s on another fucking actress, that’s when you know it existed!”
This week Rachel was on the hunt for the best gowns for the 2010 Oscars. She proclaimed a white obsession and declared everyone should have a white moment on the red carpet. According to her, everyone looks good in white. The truth is most people look like shit in white. A rare woman wears white head-to-toe well, and it ain’t exactly slimming. Occasionally, white works and when it does it can be admittedly spectacular. More often than not, it evokes the inevitable and dreaded bridal comparisons and should be avoided.
First, Rachel sycophantically gushed over the brilliant Oscar de la Renta, but it was slightly less annoying than usual since he actual deserves it. As expected, Oscar served gown after delicious gown, but really only one princess gown stood out as a possible Oscar option. 
After the show, Rachel, Rodger, and Brad piled into an SUV to go ten blocks to the Michael Kors show. Despite sitting in gridlock traffic less than a mile away, it didn’t occur to the West Coasters to get out and walk to make it on time. The three self-important assholes rolled in late and rude, even though all the editors and other fashion folk seemed to make it on time under identical circumstances. On the way out, Zoe complained loudly about people sweating them for their bad manners and tardiness.
Rodger and Rachel’s sister, Pam, went to Kiki de Montparnasse to find something sexy for Rachel. The thought of emaciated, wrinkly, Rachel ensconced in lingerie is enough to conjure the heaves (Rachel Zoe presents the Refugee Collection). The lubricious salesgirl wasted no time breaking out an “intimacy kit” complete with vibrator. 
Mortified, Rodger moved on to the French Maid getup, before settling on a simple black camisole and lace thong that he could have bought anywhere. Proving he’s at least forty percent queen, Rodger closed the sale by saying, “We should get this because it is sexy, and she can definitely wear this with a Chanel jacket and be happy.”
Next, Brad (sans Rachel and thus relegated to the 5th row) at Derek Lam. Brad fixated on the modern white drapey cowl-neck high collar gown for Cameron Diaz, which was amazing (and was coincidentally included in Demeter Clarc’s selections of the best Fall 2010 gowns). Despite the gown’s dopeness, it obviously wasn’t right for Cameron or the Oscars. Brad says Taylor made him look incompetent, but so far he’s done just fine proving his lack of artistic vision. His picks are off, and that’s why you should never trust a gay man to do a woman’s job. Brad excels at dressing men, and that’s where he should turn his focus.
Rachel rushed waaaaay down market to style her QVC fashion show. The collection looked cheap, budget, and utterly home shopping. This should prove once and for all that this woman’s style and certainly her design talent, are greatly exaggerated. Admit it, the collection was not hot.
For their anniversary, Marisa gave Rodger and Rachel a DVD of their 1998 St. Barts honeymoon. Rachel was barely recognizable in the video describing herself as “a brunette with no wrinkles.” 
After, Rachel and Rodger traded gifts. Rachel bought Rodger a gift, and a gift for herself from Rodger – rose gold and diamond handcuffs. 
When Rodger busted out the Kiki de Montparnasse box, Rachel recoiled in horror repeating the mantra “not wearing it.” When Rodger pulled the relatively benign cami out of the box Rachel’s panic subsided, but she batted down his attempt to show the thong. Can we agree that a sex tape staring these two would be the least erotic thing ever?
Rachel seemed pretty disappointed with her gifts until Rodger busted out a custom Barbie doll fashioned in her image. First Dylan McKay’s Porsche, then Rachel Barbie, gentlemen take note.
That evening at Donna Karan, Rachel chirped, “Hey Beauty!” to the likes of Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, and Brooke Shields reminding us that Zoe herself is more hired-help than style star. Rodger and Rachel told anybody who would listen about their wedding anniversary, and then feigned surprised when congratulated, exclaiming how nice it was that everyone remembered.
Pam sat Rachel down and gave her a serious talking to regarding her reproductive future. Rachel blames her hectic schedule on her childless womb, but she probably just doesn’t want to get fat or quit smoking. Hermès, Chanel, Balenciaga, these are Rachel’s babies. 
Getting ready for Marc Jacobs, Rachel vacillated between hair-up or hair-down, with the majority of Team Zoe preferring the hair up so as not to compete with the ruffled shoulder. 
Considering the jacket choice, her hair did look better up, and that’s how she walked out the door. However, moments later in the car, the hair was down. How can you trust a stylist that cannot style herself?
The next morning, Brad broke the news of a ban on white gowns at the Oscars. Rachel whined, “I hate no white.” Fear not, she utilized the Lam in this Bazaar spread with Atwood.
Wrapping things up at 
We’ve been waiting to get the dish on the Taylor and Rachel blow up, and the season three premiere of The Rachel Zoe Project wasted no time in addressing the splinter. 
At the end of last season, Rodger stepped in to handle the books. Rodger broke the news to Rachel that Taylor didn’t really give a fuck when confronted over sketchy expense reports. As a result, he let her go. Rachel lied to Rodger constantly about her spending last season. If the expense reports were sketchy, he should start his inquiries with her. 
In typical Zoe fashion, Rachel completely overreacted, unable to accept that she had been betrayed by her “blessed jewel.” Rachel, have you met Taylor? Furthermore, is this your first day in the styling industry? Fashion is a cruel mistress filled with bitter backstabbing bitches. Anybody with staying power learns early: trust no one.
Brad, Jordan, and Marisa showed up for a staff meeting so Rodger could break the news that was already splattered all over the internet: Taylor was no longer with the company. Rachel implored her lackeys to recover every sample and shred of company property in Taylor’s possession.
Simultaneously, Brad looked ebullient with his promotion to Style Director and terrified at the realization that he would now have to run this ship without Captain Taylor Bitchface. No surprise that the preeminent assignment for Team Zoe was to find a replacement for Taylor.
Rachel and Rodger interviewed a series of under-qualified, inarticulate candidates, none of which appear to have the fashion knowledge, personal style, or constitution to replace Taylor. Despite Taylor’s obvious flaws, she clearly ran thangs over at Camp Zoe. Rachel spins like a well-dressed Muppet on a dradle, but appears to accomplish very little other than to sycophantically gush and twirl.
Brad and Rachel flipped through look books searching for high-fashion editorial looks for Demi’s Bazaar cover. Both expressed anxiety over pleasing Kutcher’s piece since she had previously worked almost exclusively with Taylor. 
At the Bazaar shoot, Rachel pulled Chanel, Oscar de la Renta, Alexander McQueen, Dior, and some mayjah red sequined Wizard of Oz Louboutins. However, watching a fifty-something Demi Moore unironically play coquettish housewife conjured the chunder. Also, the hair is off in this shot, no?
Finally, the much-anticipated Marc Jacobs bloomer outfit arrived, albeit without the necessary undergarments. Instead of employing actual creative styling talent and reworking the look, the incomplete outfit caused Rachel to nix the ensemble entirely in favor of a Carolina Herrera gown. Work that bustle Demi!
The mundane shoot got an immediate upgrade with the appearance of the giraffe. Demi climbed a stairway to the sky where she looked eye to eye with the gorgeous creature. While feeding the giraffe atop twelve inch McQueen platforms, Demi nearly tumbled head over stilts. In the struggle between the giraffe and Demi, frankly, I was pulling for the giraffe. Imagine a subscriber cover with Demi Moore face-planted in the sand? That would move magazines. 
To wrap the episode on an especially spiteful final note, Rachel set images of Taylor from Paper ablaze in the fireplace. The article stated that Taylor was no longer with Rachel Zoe. Parsing for subtext here, the inference is that Taylor planned to leave all along, and Paper Magazine knew it before Rachel did.
Her haze of self-perceived victimization prevented Rachel from adequately acknowledging Taylor’s huge contribution to the Rachel Zoe name, aesthetic, and business. Through her skewed, self-absorbed perspective, Rachel failed to recognize that Taylor walked away with nothing except bad press, whereas she has benefited, and will continue to benefit from years of Taylor’s hard work. To add insult to injury, Rachel utilized her show as a platform from which to defame Taylor and limit her future professional prospects. If Taylor is a backstabbing bitch, it’s just because Rachel has taught her everything she knows.
First, nobody cares about Sarah Palin, and we care even less about Levi Johnston. Obama won, the joke’s over.
Second, for a woman who claims to call people on their shit, she denies (allegedly) fucking her “tour manager” Tom Vize. Just admit it Kathy, everyone knows, and your disingenuousness undermines the credibility of your act. 
Kathy’s really gotten her body in shape and she looks great, but do we need to see her in a bikini every chance she gets? I’m tired of two-piece narcissist Kathy. We like our Kathy talking shit, not posing poolside.
As many of you know, ratings for the D-List have taken a hit this year, maybe that’s because she’s catering to the Sunset Daze set. Yes, her Mom is funny, but the D-List has taken on a decidedly mothball stank. 
If Kathy thinks Paris Hilton attracts the youngsters, maybe someone should inform her Paris Hilton hasn’t been relevant for at least five years (if ever). 
Kathy, never shy about self-promotion, campaigned for some major awards. She managed to snag two Emmys and a couple of Grammy nominations. This A-list adulation stands in sharp contrast to the original concept of her show – which was to document the struggles and humiliations of a mid-level comic. D-Listers don’t have Emmys on the mantle. 
Off the bat we got a juicy bit of gossip regarding the St. John trip. Apparently, Kelly was asked to leave and was escorted home by a producer back to the mainland. Kelly got bounced from Scary Island ya’ll. 
Kelly returned from her self-imposed time out and continued to play the victim card. In a never ending tautology, Sonja, Ramona, and Bethenny denied picking on her, and Kelly continued to accuse them of bullying. Ramona yelled at her like she was deaf, “NO ONE WAS MEAN TO YOU!” However, no amount of reasoning, yelling, or gesticulation appeared to sway the perpetual hair twirler’s perspective.
Ramona yelled at Jill for not apologizing upon arrival and got a little showy with her charade skills in the process. 
Sonja commented that while they did throw out a friend, it was rude for Jill to show up unannounced. It is rude to show up without calling, but when a guest arrives you really need to make the best of it. As Kelly would say, make lemons out of lemonade. 
Countess LuAnn proved elegance is learned when she spoke frankly about the challenges of the last couple years. She refused to directly comment on the infidelity rumors, but I don’t think we care if she boinked behind the Count’s back. The smug, anti-Semitic prick probably deserved it. Please note, however, no matter how intense things get, the Countess NEVER cries. That bitch has one stiff upper lip. 
Kelly Bensimon reminds us why models really should keep their pie holes shut. Kelly, as a model, peaked eons ago, but that was her contribution. That’s really all she has to give, so you really shouldn’t be surprised she’s a moron. When Andy rolled her montage, all the scenes of her nonsense pieced together emphasized the depth of her idiocy. She ain’t crazy; she’s just really, really, dumb. 
The reunion trifecta ended with Jill pathetically pleading with Bethenny for a hug. Jill repeated “I really miss you,” through tears, to which Bethenny coldly responded, “I know.”
Andy didn’t miss a beat, and we picked up right where we left off on part 1 of the reunion. I hear this marathon of crazy was taped over an eight hour period. 
Alex and Bethenny said Jill only wanted to make up with Bethenny because she looked bad on TV. Jill admitted that she didn’t want to be the one who appeared to antagonize the pregnant engaged girl. 
In the first segment, Jill just bent over and took it up the ass. Ramona reiterated that Jill tried to talk the Housewives out of filming with Bethenny in an effort to sabotage her show. Unsurprisingly, this anti-filming angle is common practice among the cast since a gathering of more than one Housewife exponentially increases the chances the footage will make the cut. Jill straight up admitted she was wrong, and as a result never looked classier. The barrage of criticism became so intense that Bethenny stepped in to relieve the poor dead horse of its suffering.
Segment two introduced newest Housewife Sonja Morgan and her overactive cougar crotch. Her oversexed video montage seemed out of place amid all the other catfight videos, but it did provide a little levity in a sea of conflict laden exchanges. Let’s take this opportunity to praise Sonja for making the decision to keep her daughter entirely off the show. While she may come off a little vapid, her parenting decision on this point is both thoughtful and responsible. 
Andy rolled footage of all the malapropisms the Housewives busted out this season. Since malapropisms fall from these dumb bitches’ lips like leaves off a tree in autumn, the montage was pretty long and included gems like: 
The final segment started the discush of Scary Island (AKA St. John, I’m sure their board of tourism is thrilled). We learned that Kelly’s breakdown was actually way more severe and major then what aired. Since Bravo has no soul, their exercise of self-restraint in the editing room speaks to the true intensity of the meltdown. 
Kelly recounted her totally fictional account of “systematic bullying” while the other ladies wondered what fucking trip she went on. She claimed there was some sort of island intervention with Bethenny. I’m intrigued. More information please. 
Along this line, the highlight of part 2 of the reunion came when Kelly said in reference to St. John, “I was forced by Bravo to go on the trip.” Andy responded, “That’s not true, but I appreciate it, but it’s not true.” Kelly then snapped back “everybody knows that and…” Andy interrupted, this time with some gay sass, “That’s not true.” Kelly then says “Andy it is true though, but thank you I appreciate that.” I’m over Bethenny and Jill, this snark between Kelly and Andy was the most unexpected zing of the show. You gotta love it when the ladies air Bravo’s dirty laundry. 
The Countess pointed out that Kelly instigated much of the conflict and didn’t follow the program in St. John. Bethenny followed up unleashing on her saying she has psychological and emotional problems. With that, Kelly walked off the stage….
The first two segments of the reunion rehashed old boring battles; the meat of the matter came down to Jill and Bethenny. The tension started to build after Bethenny’s film montage when Andy turned his attention to the expectant Mrs. Hoppy to discuss all the big changes in her life. Jill trampled over Bethenny’s time, adding her unwelcomed yenta commentary where it didn’t belong. Bethenny tried to politely ignore the intrusion as Jill interrogated her about her pregnancy gain, commented on her boobs, and declared America would hate her for losing her baby weight so fast. 
Bethenny got some shit for taking her pregnancy test on camera. She justified her conduct by saying the audience would feel cheated if she didn’t show it. Bethenny, rest assured, no one wants to watch you pee on a stick. Fame has clearly has gone to this bitch’s head.
Jill’s film montage came next, and clip after clip of her bad behavior had her in tears before Andy had a chance to fling any questions her way. She admitted she didn’t like who she was this season (you and me both Jill). After first rationalizing her behavior over the season, she ultimately apologized and expressed regret. She summed up by professing her love for Bethenny and stated her hope for a future friendship.
Bethenny turned and told Jill she was going to tell her straight, never a good sign coming from a Scorpio. Bethenny began a long tabulation of Jill’s character flaws including accusations that: fame had gone to her head, she wanted everything to be about her, she resented all the good things that were happening to Bethenny, she lorded it over Bethenny that she got her on the show, and she keeps track of gifts. It was truly an exhausting litany. 
The real humdinger was when Bethenny busted out some solid gold gossip with the accusation that Jill told Ramona and Alex not to film with her in an attempt to “sabotage her show.” Alex reinforced the notion by adding that it seemed like Jill tried to cut Bethenny out of Housewives. Bethenny jumped in and said that Jill only tried to mend their relationship when her plan went south. 
The conversation hit a brick wall when Bethenny said that Jason doesn’t like Jill, and she’s not willing to restructure her life to find a place for Jill in it. Jill said she missed Bethenny and walked off the stage… 
In the single most insightful statement of her life, Kelly closed it out by saying “the obsession with fame is embarrassing.”
This week on the season finale, Jill and Bethenny finally sat down for their long-awaited confrontation at Le Cirque. Jill nervously prattled on doing her usual yenta small talk shtick before she eventually got down to it.
She weakly apologized for not being ready to accept Bethenny’s apology at Ramona’s (which is basically a bullshit non-apology). Bethenny found the small talk more unnerving than confrontation, so she dove in and labeled Jill disloyal and the disintegration of the relationship equivalent to divorce.
Neither of the two wanted to dredge up the past, but unless they level with each other the relationship can’t move on. Jill can throw as many potato latkes at the situation as she wants, but Bethenny doesn’t give a fuck. Scorpios never let things go.
Bethenny, a cold-hearted bitch to the core, didn’t even soften in the face of Jill’s prostrate humility. Mostly because Bethenny believed that Jill’s motives were more self-serving than sincerely contrite.
At La Pomme, the Cuntess busted out her glitter pants for the big debut of her new single Money Can’t Buy You Class.
We finally got to meet LuAnn’s new boyfriend, the French Fonze. The Cuntess bubbled with mid-life puppy love for her new beau as she proudly introduced him around the crowd.
As for the performance, it sounded like the Cuntess sang over a vocal track, and for a second I thought I had accidentally switched to RuPaul’s Drag Race.
We met up with Bethenny and Jason moving out of her UES apartment in favor of larger Soho cohabited square footage. This segment proved that Bethenny’s been holding out all season. Should we resent the fact that she’s obviously saved all the good stuff for her spin off?
Jill surprised Ramona to congratulate her and provide the requisite pre-ceremony fawning. Jill said something worth emphasizing.
Despite vow renewal fatigue, Ramona and Mario moved the crowd to tears with words of their devotion. Avery was skeptical about her Mom’s intentions for this vow renewal, but Ramona managed to wring some sincere sentiment from the event.
Waterworks aside, a woman in her fifties prancing down a staircase in a feathered white wedding gown is a definite dignity issue. Do I even need to comment on the fucking dog?
The matrimonial outpouring of emotion triggered a chain reaction at the reception, and one by one the ladies coupled up to reconcile their differences.
Kelly and Ramona bonded over a book of St. John photos Kelly put together. Nice gesture Kelly, way to wrap things up on a good note.
Bethenny pulled Ramona and Alex aside and spewed a bunch of emotional back-handed compliments about how surprised she was they were here for her this year. Ramona summed it up when she said, “Now you know, you can trust us,” before the three hugged it out.
