Catch Kathy Griffin: Gurrl Down! last night? The (un)special served as another in a string of disappointments from Mz. G.
Remember when she was insightful, sharp, and funny? What happened? The hour was short on laughs. In her prime, Kathy lasered in on the zeitgeist, but lately her guns need recalibration. We don’t want to discuss Michele Bachmann, and it wasn’t even that good of a burn (though I appreciate Kathy’s efforts to discredit her before she becomes a legit Presidential contender in 2012.) 
Many of you spent the first commercial break on your knees in front of the toilet after Bravo forced us to endure more contrived MILF-themed sexy times between Alex & Simon, Ramona & Mario, and LuAnn & Jacques.
Simon and Alex conjured disgust trying to create mood with clichéd shellfish and lingerie aphrodisiacs. Though it was toast-worthy that: 1) Simon fetched Alex at the airport with roses; and 2) they are one of the few happily married couples in the franchise.
Ramona spread rose petals and waited for Mario to
Ramona set up an easy out, and he of course took the obvious Avery route. Ramona sopped up every drop without hesitation. Mmmdenialmmmdelicious.
Mario looked thrilled and relieved he was off the hook. Almost like he couldn’t believe he’d gotten so lucky….
Nobody gives a fuck about flaky Barshop, but Sonja’s wicked slowburn was uncovered by Cindy while flipping through the photos from Morocco. Sonja cut her out of every one! 
“Let’s just say revenge is best served cold and I enjoyed every moment of cutting her out of the pictures. And I’m going to own it 100%.”
News broke that Sonja filed bankruptcy on some mess of an investment she made in some unfinished, ill-conceived film project. Already informed by the Wall Street Journal, Alex creased her brow, tilted her head, and inquired in a faux-caring tone, “How are you?” The very sound of the question made Sonja want to leap across the table and slap her in the well-meaning face just to clear the echo of the rude intrusion.
Enter Jill, who joined Alex in intensely and invasively interrogating Sonja about her private financial dealings. Jill actually had the nerve to try and “explain” Sonja’s debts to her based on her extensive gossip column research. Sonja should have shut it down from the get; her money ain’t none these bitches’ biznass anyway.
The Cuntess cruised in and completed the coven. The purpose of the gathering was that Jill invited everyone but Ramona (and Kelly who didn’t show) to preview her shapewear line. Neither Bethenny nor Jill’s collections seem to bring any new colors or styles to the compression undergarment scene. How many Spanx knock-offs does the world need?
After the girdle summit, Alex met up with Ramona. Alex wasted no time in tattling that Jill had excluded Ramona from the panty party. Ramona was predictably and naturally pissed. However, ultimately all of this was overshadowed by Ramona’s deformed (she had it coming) Gelfling-esque upper lip which completely dominated the entire scene.
Alex is hellbent on creating as many on-screen opportunities as possible this season, so she invited the Cuntess to coffee under the pretense of clearing the air over their argument in Morocco. Eager to deliver an obviously rehearsed monologue, Alex dispensed with the small talk and launched into a lengthy and unnecessary introduction before Miss Manners interrupted her. 
Clouded by fame-seeking, once again, Alex’s strategy backfired and left her showing her ass. The Cuntess couldn’t give a royal fart over outer-borough Alex. Even though Alex and Simon probably ran lines in preparation, Alex was still tongue-tied and outmatched in bitchery. Her best moment was calling LuAnn rude in response to an aesthetic attack on her footwear. Predictably, the curtain closed when the Cuntess swept out with a flourish of the cape and a flip of her duck-butt hair.
Without hesitation, we were thrown right into the thick of Jill and Ramona’s post-argument analysis. Each decamped with her respective clique to refuel and restrategize for the next go-round.
Zarin sent her spies to fetch intel from Ramona and the blondes. First the Cuntess entered and attempted to address Ramona, but her efforts were stymied by Alex and Sonja’s physical and verbal shields. Next Kelly slinked in wearing a colorful Diane von Furstenberg dress (not Pucci, she quickly corrected a complimentary Sonja). Kelly tried to invoke the neutrality clause. The blondes pretended to accept her position, but were obviously savvy to her espionage.
It wouldn’t be a trip to Morocco without the requisite henna tattoo moment. LuAnn, Kelly, and Cindy hunkered down for a painting. Before they saw her, the three heard Alex loudly and quickly clopping down the stairs. 
Alex dramatically swept her scarf around her shoulders and emphatically demanded to have a word upon the conclusion of LuAnn’s tattoo. Alex then turned on her heel and retreated as suddenly as she appeared.
Indignant at the interruption, but also piqued with interest, LuAnn, Kelly, and Cindy all summoned Alex for a chat. They looked like three lionesses waiting to devour the sad goat that lagged a little too far behind the rest of the herd.
Kelly jumped all over Alex for her bad acting and described her performance as “inauthentic.” Then she strangely ordered Alex to “reenter.” (That’s what she said.) All season, scenes have felt particularly set up. Kelly pretty much confirmed the orchestrated premeditation by requesting a redo.
Alex the conquering blonde unleashed on LuAnn, but she didn’t get too far into her diatribe before the Cuntess interrupted and curtly dismissed her by ordering her to return to the cabinet she came out of. Not particularly adept at improvisation, Alex stood slack-jawed and without comeback as the Cuntess brushed by her with her nose high and an undeniable air of superiority.
Kelly attacked from behind, leaving Alex bewildered. Alex tried to apologize, but Kelly called her weird and “not normal.” Her neck covered in stress splotches, Alex tried to articulate her frustration. Kelly responded by shhhhhhhhing her, then directing her to first close and then reopen her eyes. 
Kelly didn’t really listen to anything Alex said (did anyone?), but she responded in her standard non sequitur fashion by saying, “Sometimes Alex, it is better to just observe and not participate.”
As for this week’s moment of blatant hypocrisy, Kelly ordered Alex to cover her shoulders – even though the two appeared to be standing in the internal courtyard of their private riad. However, she threw her modesty out the window later when she decided to jog around Marrakesh in this skimpy get-up.
The ravens landed for dinner, but the butters didn’t descend at the appointed hour. The social faux pas triggered a shit talking sesh that was only interrupted by Alex’s late arrival. 
Impeccable hostess and etiquette authority that she is, the Cuntess hurled sharp barbs at Alex from the head of the table. After a few too many snarky remarks, Alex informed LuAnn that she wasn’t actually told when dinner would be served. She then snatched her plate of greens before getting bounced out of the dining room by Kelly.
Swaddled, Ramona and Sonja emerged asking what was for dinner. The request caused LuAnn to go completely cous cous. Like Alex, Sonja and Ramona also claimed that they had been uninformed of the dinner time. If LuAnn did inform them of the time, it wasn’t included in the episode footage.
Kelly coaxed Ramona to make amends. She and LuAnn progressed until the Countess broached the subject of the fortuneteller’s revelation. Caught off guard, Ramona reacted by presenting a saccharine smile and chirping “my marriage is great.” Uneasy and exposed, Ramona abruptly jerked away, insisting that they return to dinner. One can hardly blame her; Ramona’s perceptive enough to detect the blatant meangirling in the underhanded maneuver.
While packing up to return home, the women returned different articles of clothing they had borrowed from one another during the trip. Jill waived Ramona’s green bikini bottoms around like a white flag.
The two confessed to caring about one another and wanting to salvage the friendship, though neither addressed the underlying issues – alcoholism and fame intoxication. Instead, they tried to brush all previous tension under the rug and just move forward. When does that ever work?
This week’s episode picked up at the fortuneteller’s table, where Ramona feebly attempted to distract from the medium’s message by offering every possible alternative other than the most obvious likelihood of Mario’s philandering.
Out of Ramona’s earshot, Jill murmured to her circle that she’d heard rumors of Mr. Singer’s infidelity. Sonja’s reaction also signaled that she had intel which may further support the prediction. Ramona focused on damage control, more concerned about how the news might impact sales of her fug jewelry than where Mario’s currently corking his Pinot.
The band of bourgeoisa headed for the legendary and historic souq. Sonja, very inconspicuous adorned in all white with a textured fishing hat, clutched her straw bag, apparently concerned one of the locals might wrestle her to the ground for its priceless contents.
Barshop’s brazillian began to chafe in the desert heat, so she directed her discomfort into a confrontation with Sonja over some petty bullshit no one really cares about. The loud scene caused Kelly to shift her voice into nasal-bad-mommy mode and command that everyone “get along.”
As part of her ho stroll for the Morocco National Tourist Office, LuAnn arranged camel rides for the ladies. Not long into the jaunt, Morocco’s most discerning dromedary decided the Cuntess could kiss sand and gave her a ride worthy of the Saddle Ranch on a Saturday night. Once steadied, LuAnn dismounted and was too shaken to notice the camel boy copped a feel.
The caravan arrived at a tent oasis for a traditional Moroccan feast. Jill challenged each lady to confess an unknown tidbit, but most recapitulated unilluminating incidental details or ill-timed sad childhood memories.
As all group dinners do with this crowd, the lively discussion soon amplified into a full-on cacophony of shouting. Cindy couldn’t take the crossfire and fled into the unlit terrain, oblivious to the potential dangers of scorpions and other creatures emerging for their evening meal.
The tent supper turned out to be more refugee than world-renowned once it hit the gut because both Ramona and Sonja awoke the next morning with a serious case of the faucet ass. The unaffected hit the hamam and enjoyed a traditional scrub and tub. When sufficiently plied with Imodium, Sonja and Ramona followed.
Back at the riad, Jill tippity tapped on Ramona’s door to commence the long overdue discush causing tension to swell between the two. Ramona’s still sore about comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding and her own vow renewal last year. Jill is (rightfully) angry at Ramona for rudely dismissing her and Bobby in St. John. Jill fixated on the notion that St. John was her last chance to reconcile with Bethenny, and therefore blames Ramona for the lost friendship. Side note: who actually says picayune?
Ramona weaseled out of actually apologizing by using the classic, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” A line she surely picked up from years of arguing with Mario.
Fury filled Jill as all the feelings of hurt and humiliation surfaced. In an inexcusably bad outfit, Jill proclaimed that without an apology, the two could never be friends.
Unrelenting in her position, Ramona stood up and slung a few back, including the predictable: “You’ve changed, everyone’s said it.”
So overworked she thought she might have a heart attack, Jill stomped off in her stilettos intent on calling Bobby. She left Ramona in tears convulsing on the true star of the scene, a gorgeous traditional Moroccan bedspread.
The blondes and the brunettes arrived separately to Marrakesh. LuAnn, Kelly, Jill, and Barshop flew in a day prior and a head space apart from Ramona, Sonja, and Alex.
Team blonde worked themselves up over their potential accommodations on the way to the riad. Ramona remarked on the “poverty all over” and Sonja called the surroundings “ookie.” Overcome with paranoia that the locals would make off with her hat collection, Sonja hovered around the van until the staff unloaded the bags.
Once unloaded, Rudemona demanded immediate staff assistance in unpacking her cougarific wardrobe and untangling her hideous jewelry. Cindy came upstairs and found some of her clothing unhung which led her to accuse Ramona of stealing her hangers. Shit talking among the bitchy blondes ensued as Barshop retreated for friendlier liked-tressed company after a half-hearted confrontation. Minutes later, LuAnn overcompensated by procuring a dozen hangers and delivering them along with a scolding to Ramona, Alex, and Sonja.
The Brunettas hit the design district and conveniently ran into Jill’s ex g-hub Brad. Since he obviously traveled around the world for a little air-time this season, Brad extended an invitation to his birthday party that night at his nearby lodging.
While LuAnn and company were shopping, Ramona and Sonja were drinking. By the time the two camps caught up with one another, Ramona and Sonja were straight up sloppy. The Cuntess antagonized Ramona by telling her she looked “amazing” in a tone that sounded less than sincere.
Shortly after, a respected Moroccan designer joined the party and offered custom caftans to the ladies. Ramona continued her American good will tour by demanding he tailor the garment to her exacting specifications.
Later at Brad’s party – location B&B – not private villa as Jill had hoped, Sonja sucked down coupes de champagne and puffed up in her dress like a bloated camel corpse on a hot Saharan day.
Jill worked the hottest look of the season when she donned a snake crown. For the crowd’s further amusement, morally questionable snake versus human shenanigans ensued.
Then the whole party burst into some kind of fucked up Moroccan menopausal flash mob.
The party ended with tarot readings for the women. First the fortune teller told Jill she had a good heart, but talked too much. True. Then she told Sonja that she should concentrate on the man and not the money. Also true. Next, the veiled woman foretold another child for Kelly, thereby fulfilling her yearning for a larger family. Better get on that Kel. Finally, Ramona took the hot seat and held the deck over her heart.
En Français, the clairvoyant revealed to Ramona that Mario is seeing another woman. Considering Mario’s well-documented eye-wandering history, this divulgement may turn out as accurate as the mystic’s other predictions.
Ramona looked more exposed than surprised, and none of the other woman looked particularly shocked either. Sonja and Jill shed a tear at the palpable discomfort of the raw disclosure, Kelly fled the scene, and the Cuntess seemed a little too eager to translate the news for the whole room.
Dear friend AMP posed an interesting question, could Brad have intentionally set Ramona up to embarrass her?
LuAnn and Sonja met up for lunch and pretended to just stumble upon the idea of a girls trip to Morocco that was so obviously planned and underwritten by Bravo. Sonja and LuAnn divided the duty of extending invitations to the other Housewives. In the course of the conversations that followed about Morocco, here are a few ignorant gems that passed the ladies’ lips.
“It’s like going to Paris. I mean Paris it’s not, but it’s a very sophisticated city.” (LuAnn claims to have visited Morocco several times; you’d think she’d know it was a country, not a city.)
“I’m a little concerned. It’s a third world country. They don’t respect women. I love my family. I don’t want to go away and end up not coming back.” Fear not Ramona, the Kingdom of Morocco will not hesitate to return you.
Even though they don’t serve Pinot Grigio, Ramona met up with LuAnn at Alice’s Teacup. The Cuntess laid into Ramona over shit that didn’t concern her. This offensive tactic sent Ramona spinning down a defensive dark rabbit hole.
Lady Morgan allegedly landed a toaster oven cookbook deal? The promotional photo shoot took place at her musty townhouse. Kelly stopped by to add her editorial viewpoint, lest we forget about her reign at Elle Accessories. Bensimon got more than she bargain for when Sonja “accidentally” flashed her cooch while writhing about on her dining room table like Tawny Kitaen on the hood of the car in the Whitesnake video.
The cliques split for two totally different spa trips. Barshop, still trying to buy her way in, bankrolled a trip to the ultra swank Canyon Ranch for Kelly, Jill, and LuAnn. To add a layer of cream cheese frosting to the already over the top gesture, embroidered robes awaited the ladies upon arrival. Jill couldn’t wait to open her present and did so in the lobby.
The Cuntess responded by pretentiously snipping, “Really darling, I mean never open a gift in the middle of a hotel lobby.”
While Canyon Ranch offered drum circles and massages, Ramona hosted a different kind of spa visit back in NYC at Dr. Giese’s office. Rudemona summed up her intention with this zinger: “…if you know something great, share it, so I invited both Sonja and Alex to come with me… Let’s face it, they could use a few touch ups.” 
Alex got dermaplaning (Ed note: this interests me), Sonja got VelaShape, and Ramona got a neck full of Botox. 
Without a hint of irony, the ladies all met up for an anti-bullying rally that Jill hosted. Ramona brought a case of her eponymous Pinot Grigio that was supposed to be for auction, but upon arrival she shouted at multiple members of the wait staff to crack it open and bring her a glass immediately.
Once the Cuntess arrived in a flutter of self-complimentary praise, it was immediately on between her and Ramona over David Meister of all things. Holy fuck this show is D-List, this shit is way more D-List than Kathy Griffin ever was, right? The Cuntess has her twat in a knot because Ramona blacklisted her at Meister. Ramona admitted she’d laid exclusive claim to wearing the rich woman’s Jessica McClintock, and LuAnn called the move “bitchy.” It’s no mystery why LuAnn’s drifting from Ungaro; since the Lindsay debacle things at the fashion house still haven’t recovered.
Under the guise of concern, the ladies gossiped through the runway show about Ramona’s excessive day drinking. During an emotional speech by Jill’s stepdaughter, Ramona rattled around in the background trying to procure more of her precious wine for 
Next week we’ll learn whether Ramona smuggled a few cases of Pinot to Morocco, or if she tried to white knuckle through the forced, tension-filled, faux-fun girls trip.
Ramona kicked off this week’s episode with a photo shoot aimed at creating promotional shots for her numerous products. Suffice it to say that Ramona’s as good in front of the camera as she is on the runway.
The true star of this week’s episode, Chris March, dropped by Sonja’s dated townhouse to revive a fetid wig and costume for her upcoming masquerade ball.
A sick Jill met LuAnn at the costume shop to select their attire for Lady Morgan’s Grand Masquerade Ball. LuAnn appropriately gravitated towards the “saloon whore” look.
We met Kevin, Cindy’s bland babydaddy. He’s giving us a bit of a grown Dan Humphrey vibe, right?
Later on at Sonja’s, Chris returned with the slightly enhanced corset and magnificently transformed wig. Mayjah fucking wig.
The Cuntess called off sick. She either contracted the bitch fever from Jill, or she and the French Fonze were recreating Patty and Graham’s Halloween Rapunzel moment from My So-Called Life.
The weight of the wig must have restricted the blood flow to Sonja’s brain because she claimed she “forgot” her petticoat which resulted in her serving cottage-cheese ass as an unexpected appetizer at her otherwise sparsely catered soiree.
Jill reported that Sonja had a nice handprint sized bruise on her ass cheek. Lady Morgan likes a spanking!
At Serafina, Ramona hosted a launch party for her new vino. She ran into Jennifer, whose wedding was the backdrop for mucho drama earlier in the season. Jennifer is clearly angling to be RHNYC‘s version of Jersey’s Kim G. She needled her way into the drama by working Ramona up into a frenzy over some comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding reception.
When Jill arrived, Ramona pulled her aside to confront her about the accusations. Jill shifted the blame to another guest and got defensive. The two started screaming at each other in a staged scene before Jill dramatically stormed out.
On the way out, Jill conveniently ran into Jennifer and the two squashed the beef in about two minutes. With renewed courage, Jill returned to the gathering and reignited Ramona’s crazed shrieking.
When Jill subtly gestured to Ramona’s wine class and said “you need help, I’m serious..” Ramona made a hasty retreat, sobered by the threat of public exposure of her drinking problem. As if we all don’t already know that shit. We watch Ramona embalm herself in Pinot Grigio at every opportunity. As we learned last week, failure to provide Pinot results in automatic forfeiture of friendship. 
Ramona Singer + Kim Richards + Celebrity Rehab = Epic Awesomeness
The long-awaited finale of Bethenny Ever After aired this week, long-awaited because we all couldn’t wait for this extra boring show to end. The bulk of the lazy-ass season finale was cobbled together from moments of Bethenny’s speaking tour.
Bethenny spewed clichéd self-help advice repackaged Skinnygirl-style as the secret of her success. Let’s be honest. Bethenny’s success stems from her willingness to offer up her most sacred relationships, private decisions, and deepest losses to Bravo for commoditization. Personal exploitation has been the ladder upon which she climbed to the top, and it has been a lucrative ascent.
Grandparents, Carol and Bob joined the tour for a night in Philadelphia. Neither understands Bethenny’s appeal, but both gave her warm congratulations after the show. Grandma Hoppy accidentally stumbled into some funny when she said, “There was only a cock here and there…”
Bethenny got the adrenaline shits before her Wilmington show and ran around the theater trying to empty her bowels moments before she was due on stage. She then danced her way down the aisle of the theater late-nineties Oprah-style.
All this filler delayed the only attention-worthy moment of the season – the sale of Skinnygirl. During her weekly sesh with Amador, Bethenny claimed to care less about the money now that she has her little family. She also conceded that since her own success now eclipsed her deceased father’s, “It makes me happy to stuff it to him.”
While the specifics of the deal were not discussed on camera, when the email came, Jason said “You are going to be a very rich woman.” So I guess we can surmise that $120 million figure might be in the realm of truth.
Now here’s what I want to know.
Bethenny sobbed tears of joy at her unbelievable good fortune, and Jason could barely contain his glee at the luck of landing his own little jackpot.
Jason returned later with their wedding album and the two oohed and aahhed over every page. Rejoice, everything is sublime in Hoppytown.
So you guys heard this got renewed for another season, right? They better start looking for a new angle because who really wants to watch “Bethenny’s Perfect Life?”
Sonja orchestrated a détente between Kelly and Ramona at Geisha where they both confessed to each other their mutual anxiety over the meeting. Kelly served up the same I’m-42-and-don’t-have-time-for-this speech, and Ramona responded with apologizing for texting under the spell of the vino.
Cindy joined Sonja for tea time at her townhome and read her to filth for telling Kelly about her reconciliation scheme and failing to provide Ramona’s precious Pinot Grigio in Quogue. Without mincing words, Sonja swiftly leveled Barshop with the following zinger:
Ramona hosted a jewelry pimping party where she served her namesake Pinot Grigio in Cougar Town-sized goblets. Despite her efforts to intoxicate the crowd, there wasn’t enough Pinot in Manhattan to trick anyone into thinking that hideous display was cute.
The Cuntess flexed her already well-toned condescension muscle by probing Ramona over the origins of her eponymous Pinot Grigio. Ramona butchered the pronunciation of Veneto, and the Cuntessa unsurprisingly relished in the opportunity to correct her. The Cuntess remarked that Ramona can drink all the Pinot Grigio in the world and it won’t make her a wine expert. Yeah, well fucking a wine distributor doesn’t exactly make you an expert either LuAnn.
A toaster oven feast awaited LuAnn and Kelly over in Sonja’s kitchen. Gathered around the island, the apparent irony of a high-end gourmet stove sitting cold and unused in the background went completely unnoticed by the three women.
Jill took her Yom Kippur spirit to Brooklyn to make amends with Alex over transgressions which accumulated between the two over the last year. Gifts in hand, Jill tried to break the ice with compliments, but ended up accidently dishing an unintentional insult instead. Alex listened to Jill’s mea culpa with guarded ear, but confessed later she still didn’t trust her because of hateful things Jill said about Simon and her boys. Specifically, Alex mentioned that Jill called Alex’s children animals. Animal or not, we can all agree there is something going on with Francois, non?
The meal ended early when the two hit an impasse. Ramona took a cue from the Cuntess and dished a side-order of condescension which caused Cindy to completely withdraw into her martini. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Ramona excused herself from the lunch, and the two parted with their relationship in shambles.
-
Home > Bravo