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July 2013 Horoscopes


Happy Birthday Cancer!  You are so incredibly delightful dear Crab.  When a Cancer accepts you as a friend, you will be loved and cared for as if you were family.  If a Cancer accepts you as a mate, you may expect unyielding support and devotion.  You can also expect excellent food and a well-kept home.  That’s not to say that Cancer isn’t difficult.  The sanctity of Cancer’s home comes first, and when domesticity destabilizes, our little Crab becomes quite unglued.  We’ve all learned that basic needs pyramid at some point in our miserable lives, and for Cancer the need for a secure home base is particularly important.  Cancers aren’t stubborn about much, but they expect to rule the roost.  After a period of visible struggle and unrest, relax and enjoy the summer by focusing on relationships.  A number of people have supported you when you needed it Cancer, and you still have some healing to do.  At work, Cancers contain the intensity of their emotional response because typically feelings aren’t acknowledged as a professional contribution.  That’s bullshit and we know it.  Some of your best creativity and problem-solving derives from your sincere and evocative emotional response to people and situations.  Trust your gut implicitly.  The next year holds much promise for you Cancer.  Accept all forms of discomfort as part of life and you will experience significantly less frustration.  I wish a very special and blessed birthday to my favorite Crab and DC supporter HillyYou shine.


Uncharacteristically, this summer has presented a number of unexpected obstacles for Leo.  Usually, Little Miss Popularity doesn’t have to hustle quite so hard for acceptance and recognition.  In some ways you feel appreciated, but in many you feel invisible, and that just isn’t going to fly for the Queen of the Jungle.  It is as if you are riding the bumper car ride at the State Fair.  Leo keeps trying to steer out of the chaos, but certain aggressors just won’t let you casually hangout in the corner.  Even though you see the line of tooth-picking trash waiting impatiently for their turn to have fun with whiplash, the carny just won’t call time on your sesh.  What is a Lioness to do?  Play dirty bitch.  How many times are you going to get rammed from behind before you wake up and ram a bitch back?  Too chicken-shit to kick ass?  There is no room in the Zodiac for a cowardly Lion.  Stop waiting from someone else to blow the whistle on your torment.


In many ways, Virgo has never experienced the type of professional fulfillment that you feel right now.  However, a number of key relationships have taken a beating due to your hyper-focus.  Paradoxically, your single-minded devotion is the source of much of your success and failure.  Now is the time to decide who you are and what you want.  Rather than waiting for others to make decisions that have serious consequences for your life, you choose your path.  Virgo experiences legitimate anxiety over letting go.  What you are grasping for keeps slipping right through your fingers.  Rather than manically clutching, why not just let it fall?  Then you can cup your hands and see what you catch.  In order to feel satisfied with the reality of your life Virgo, you need to shift your expectations.  Not everything can be on your terms.


Oh Libra, where would we be without your peaceful touch?  I know two Libras that recently became mothers (blessings to Sam and D), and I think about how lucky their little girls are to have such even-tempered women to lead them through life.  Constantly accommodating for balance – lean a little here, give a little there – Libras recalibrate for the greater good.  Libras make it look effortless, but we all know it’s not easy and this high-wire act must be exhausting.  Much of your ability to glide by on the strand of a spiderweb comes from your inherent grace.  However, there are times when that lubricating Libran charm isn’t enough to smooth over the roughness.  July demands Libras cultivate a wider range of skills for navigating conflict.  Think of it this way: would you let your daughter (inner or actual) put up with any shit?  Then you shouldn’t either.


Scorpios have enjoyed an unexpected, yet deserved wave of good fortune.  Financially, a number of strategic and well-reasoned decisions have begun to pay off.  The difference between you and others is your ability to calculate risk and execute big decisions with far-reaching consequences.  Scorpios possess elephantine nutsacks.  Before your dick gets all engorged with ego, remember the ancient Chinese proverb, “The quacking duck gets shot.”  Keep quiet; because you already understand success puts a target on your back.  That’s why you keep a stinger back there.  Your all-or-nothing relationship mentality creates imbalance.  Thriving Scorpios guard their independence, keep space for themselves first, and fiercely protect it regardless of external demands.  You are fully capable of doing it on your own.


One of your best attributes Sagittarius is your ability to overcome.  You don’t give yourself enough credit for your ability to survive the lows and create your own triumphs.  Take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments.  This exercise in self-admiration should take place safely within the confines of your own head.  Everyone appreciates your enthusiasm, but remember if you are always telling people how great you are it leaves them very little room to compliment you.  We don’t need to hear how much money you made on the deal.  Shut up and buy a round of drinks instead.  You’ve been steeped in championing as of late, put on your skirt and pom-poms and cheer for someone else for a change.


Capricorns are the tyrannical dictators of their own lives.  Some of you are like your own abusive spouse constantly beating yourself down.  Other Caps are like the world’s wife beater constantly taking their own bullshit out on the unsuspecting.  Which one are you?  Let July be the month you cut everyone a break and send that inner critic on vacation.  Don’t bother booking a return ticket for that dick either.  In its place, have an affair with spontaneity.  Court compassion this summer.  Barbeque your angst over an open fire.  Even though Caps are smart, efficient, and good company, aesthetics usually take a backseat to more practical considerations.  Look at your clothes, do they fit?  Do you even own a full length mirror?  Time to buy one and take a good long look in it.


July serves up a number of competing interests which never quite reconcile.  Prepare to take a side.  Aquarius must remain detail-oriented in July to avoid making stupid and obvious mistakes that compromise that sterling reputation.  Even though it’s summer, this isn’t a good time for partying and frivolity.  Focus energy on what’s required of you and execute your best effort.  A week before the end of the month Aquarius finds resolution on important issues which have existed as lingering question marks in the recent past.  Spend leisure time chiseling that body to perfection.  Eat well.  Sleep well.  Move well.  Keep with this motto this month and you will meet your goals.  Lastly, listen closely Aquarius: true love could be yours within the first half of the month.  Open your heart.


A triangulation of planetary power forms to create a fertile, ripe, and rich energetic foundation from which your ideas can flourish.  The benefit of momentum and luck favors Pisces, so now is the time to cease the future-thinking and make it happen without further delay.  Apply that Piscean creativity to move forward with a well-considered plan that minimizes risk.  Ask for what you want.  For the next year welcome, love, romance, and seduction into your life and enjoy all the benefits that come from a fully functional and supportive relationship.  Single Fishies flirt and make visible ripples in the waters with their swagger.  Expect some envious sharks to try and take a bite at your style.  In July, the cosmos is in your corner if your intention is to grow your relationships and realize your dreams.


Aries needs to get realistic about some personal areas of dishonesty this July.  While you’ve been drowning yourself in work, responsibilities, and obligations, something funky has been fermenting at home and I don’t just mean in your fridge (which you should really clean out by the way).  Get more involved in the domestic sphere this month.  Spruce up your place and make sure it rises up to meet you.  Let’s have a come to Jesus conversation about finances.  Even though you think you are rolling in dough, have you adequately planned for the future?  Get a grip on the spending.  Shore up the leaks and secure your loot for an added sense of security.  The weekend of the 20th looks promising for both a family visit and a possible real estate acquisition.  This presents a nice opportunity to squeeze both tits with one hand.


Taurus vacillates between an intense desire to travel and an intense fear of overspending this July.  Don’t worry so much about the expenses of enjoying an adventure, your bank account will see replenishment of funds before month’s end.  All that attentiveness to strengthening your performance at work totally pays off.  Brace yourself for some major advancement news and some public shine as well.  Soon you will have your choice of plum assignments.  Family relationships experience strain due to your overwrought emotional reactions.  Let go of needing everyone to understand your point of view and aim for mutual respect instead.  Your best bet for romance is on that trip we discussed; local love looks unfavorable.


July proves profitable for industrious Geminis who demand their due.  A good word from a friend situates Gemini perfectly for a golden opportunity.  Planetary energy creates some lag in advancement this month, but there is no use in struggling against what can’t be changed.  Better to reroute that energy into information gathering and preparing to manage your incoming wealth.  You’ve wasted quite a bit of time dithering around, but your operational tempo is about to exponentially increase.  Make sure your basic needs are met – your home and health are in order – because soon you will have no time to think about either.  Geminis find little time for romance this month after a string of questionable dalliances.  With this amount of change afoot, better to let matters settle before you start up anything serious.

warm buns

Until very recently, I found baking with yeast really intimidating.  As the astute among you have noticed, precision isn’t my thing, so I was daunted by yeast’s narrow activation temperature window.  Lately, I’ve been on a “from scratch” kick, and so why not bake classic yeast rolls to overcome my irrational rising-dough baking anxiety?  I found a highly-rated quick yeast roll recipe off allrecipes.com, and hoped for warm fluffy buns.

2 tablespoons shortening

3 tablespoons white sugar

1 cup hot water

1 (.25 ounce) package active dry yeast

1 egg, beaten

1 teaspoon salt

2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C). Grease 8 muffin cups.

In a large bowl, mix the shortening, sugar, and hot water. Allow to cool until lukewarm. Mix in the yeast until dissolved. Mix in the egg, salt, and flour. Allow the dough to rise until doubled in size.  Divide the dough into the prepared muffin cups, and allow to rise again until doubled in size.  Bake for 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or until a knife inserted in the center of a bun comes out clean.

Since this recipe doesn’t require kneading, it is surprisingly easy.  It doesn’t take forever for the dough to rise either which I appreciate since I get impatient with lengthy rising times.  These rolls arrived from the oven comforting,  soft, and fluffy.  A true crowd-pleasing delight.  

a word on weddings

As many of you know, I served as a bridesmaid on Friday.  I wore the matching dress – the whole bit.  This wedding was one of the most fun I’ve been to, which in all honesty, was an unexpected surprise.  The whole event got me thinking of the best and worst ceremonies I’ve attended, and what makes some of these events sing while others are off key.  After much nuptial analysis and observation, I humbly offer these considerations when either planning or attending a ceremony.  A chill bride goes a long way in making a wedding day bearable for everyone else.  What makes for a relaxed bride?  An attentive bridal party.  As a bridesmaid your only job is to say “What do you need? What can I get you?  You are the most beautiful.”  The rest of the time anticipate the needs of the bride and her parents.  Remember that attending a wedding as a bridesmaid is a job.  It doesn’t end until the bride pulls away from the reception.  My devotion was so unwavering that I hoisted the bride’s dress up while she peed and lifted her train up all night so it wouldn’t drag in the mud.   I lost a strap on my shoe and improvised with a ribbon and kept it moving.  I doubt anyone really noticed, and I even got a few compliments on my shoes.  Some guests thought it was a creative fashion statement, which really isn’t that farfetched since I’ve been known to wear some pretty fucking random shit on occasion.  Thankfully, I found the strap of my brand new Jeffrey Campbells later that night. Expect at least one bridesmaid, close female friend, or relative to come completely unhinged before or during the big day.  The myriad motivations behind these dramatics vary greatly, but typically include at the very least jealousy, existential crisis, groom hating, Peter Pan Syndrome, and more.  Don’t bother trying to root out the ire.  Just distance yourself from the negativity.  Wait until after the honeymoon to decide if the behavior is a relationship deal-breaker. Friction between the bride’s dad and the groom isn’t exactly uncommon.  Most of that tension can be dealt with early and honestly if the groom nuts up and asks Dad for the bride’s hand.  Some will find this antiquated.  Let me be perfectly clear – the conversation is not some fucked up cow-trading dowry conversation.  The purpose of the chat is to provide the opportunity for any parental concerns to be voiced.  It is also a gesture of respect and goes a long way in garnering good will.  Gays should talk to parents too if feasible under the particular circumstances. Speaking of gays, have some sensitivity to the fact that your best gay friends may be really sick of attending straight weddings when most cannot legally marry themselves.  We’ve discussed buffets here on DC before.  As far as I’m concerned, buffets = barffets.  Consider family style, served plated, or heavy hors d’oeuvres as an alternative.  Don’t you find passed tray hors d’oeuvres kind of  awkward for both server and guest?  Ask yourself when you’ve ever truly been thrilled with a buffet, and then admit that wedding buffets are notoriously bad.  What is it with the limp-ass sauteed vegetable medley?  I love vegetables, but this oft-presented dish is a good reason why they get a bad reputation.  Food must be delicious, appropriately hot or cold, and of a large variety.  Provide fruits, vegetables, cheeses, nuts, and yummy bread, in addition to other options, so those with specific dietary needs can negotiate the meal without a fuss.  Much more to come on weddings and more little doves.  The internet is finally up and running in my new nest, so expect a full posting schedule moving forward.  Thanks again for your kindness and commitment.  Hugs, DC


boulangerie baguettes

In the postcarb gluten-free era, bread has almost become a dirty word, but in France bread is always fashionable.  Nothing compares to a baguette from the boulangerie – until now. La Petit Français Baguettes go from freezer to the oven after a brief thaw.  Imported from France and incomparable to any other product available, these baguettes most closely resemble the warm and comforting original.

“If thou tastest a crust of bread,

thou tastest all the stars and all the heavens.”

Robert Browning