Charlotte OlympiaBottega VenetaStella McCartney
Christian DiorRoger Vivier
Oscar de la Renta
Rodger took Jeremiah to the 7,000 square foot rental that Zoe insisted on leasing in anticipation of the baby’s arrival. This decision makes no sense on a variety of levels. For one, why spend oodles on furniture for a rental? Second, what newborn needs 7,000 square feet? Don’t newborns basically inhabit one foot of space surrounding their mother or father for the first several months of their lives? Not to mention stylistically the house is totally unlike anything Rachel and Rodger have dwelled in previously. All these considerations notwithstanding, in typical Team Zoe fashion, Rodger gave Jeremiah a two week deadline to complete the daunting assignment. Jeremiah looked like he might pop a vessel when Rodger declared that completing the project on the super accelerated time line was his problem.
Rachel got a last minute call to style a shoot for Kim Kardashian. Realizing the enormity of the ass she needed to cover, Rachel called Joey and Jeremiah for an emergency meeting at Zoe headquarters. Joey received the call from dispatch and gave Jeremiah all of ten minutes to wipe the sleep out of his eyes and sculpt his Robert Pattinson ‘do before showing up at his door with an impatient toe tap. The two rushed over to Zoe’s office curious to learn of their latest assignment.When they arrived, Zoe informed them that the world’s most overexposed and under-talented celebuwhore would require a minimum of two looks to shoot her perfume commercial the following day. The competitive bitchery started brewing between the queens as soon as the Kardashian assignment was handed down from above. They rushed off to Bismarck to collect every red gown and Brian Atwood shoe in the showroom. Once at BPCM, Joey and Jeremiah bickered over their approaches to pulling items for the shoot. Joey stuck with Rachel’s mantra of “more is more,” and Jeremiah thought it wiser to streamline the selections. After the pull, J+J called Zoe, and she informed them that only one could attend the shoot tomorrow. It was no surprise when she selected her favorite sycophantic gay Joey to attend in lieu of Jeremiah. She sure has a way a pitting her staff against one another. It’s no wonder she goes through employees like she does her Cosabella thongs.
The next day at the shoot, Zoe kissed Kardashian’s gargantuan money-maker before dressing her in two of the most uncreative looks ever. First, Zoe put together a clichéd men’s button-down with boy shorts and a lace bra ensemble. Even though this interpretation has been around as long as the white button-down, Rachel described the outfit as if it were a work of creative genius, and as if she had copyrighted that shit. Rachel dressed Kardashian in an equally uninspired look for the second round of photos. Joey greased Kim and slid her into a red stretch satin Dolce & Gabbana gown. The obvious selection read more sausage casing than sexy. A body-con red gown for Valentine’s Day? This bitch gets paid for this unoriginal shit? What a weak-ass lazy effort yo.
This week Rachel was on the hunt for the best gowns for the 2010 Oscars. She proclaimed a white obsession and declared everyone should have a white moment on the red carpet. According to her, everyone looks good in white. The truth is most people look like shit in white. A rare woman wears white head-to-toe well, and it ain’t exactly slimming. Occasionally, white works and when it does it can be admittedly spectacular. More often than not, it evokes the inevitable and dreaded bridal comparisons and should be avoided.First, Rachel sycophantically gushed over the brilliant Oscar de la Renta, but it was slightly less annoying than usual since he actual deserves it. As expected, Oscar served gown after delicious gown, but really only one princess gown stood out as a possible Oscar option. After the show, Rachel, Rodger, and Brad piled into an SUV to go ten blocks to the Michael Kors show. Despite sitting in gridlock traffic less than a mile away, it didn’t occur to the West Coasters to get out and walk to make it on time. The three self-important assholes rolled in late and rude, even though all the editors and other fashion folk seemed to make it on time under identical circumstances. On the way out, Zoe complained loudly about people sweating them for their bad manners and tardiness.
Rodger and Rachel’s sister, Pam, went to Kiki de Montparnasse to find something sexy for Rachel. The thought of emaciated, wrinkly, Rachel ensconced in lingerie is enough to conjure the heaves (Rachel Zoe presents the Refugee Collection). The lubricious salesgirl wasted no time breaking out an “intimacy kit” complete with vibrator. Mortified, Rodger moved on to the French Maid getup, before settling on a simple black camisole and lace thong that he could have bought anywhere. Proving he’s at least forty percent queen, Rodger closed the sale by saying, “We should get this because it is sexy, and she can definitely wear this with a Chanel jacket and be happy.”
Next, Brad (sans Rachel and thus relegated to the 5th row) at Derek Lam. Brad fixated on the modern white drapey cowl-neck high collar gown for Cameron Diaz, which was amazing (and was coincidentally included in Demeter Clarc’s selections of the best Fall 2010 gowns). Despite the gown’s dopeness, it obviously wasn’t right for Cameron or the Oscars. Brad says Taylor made him look incompetent, but so far he’s done just fine proving his lack of artistic vision. His picks are off, and that’s why you should never trust a gay man to do a woman’s job. Brad excels at dressing men, and that’s where he should turn his focus.
Rachel rushed waaaaay down market to style her QVC fashion show. The collection looked cheap, budget, and utterly home shopping. This should prove once and for all that this woman’s style and certainly her design talent, are greatly exaggerated. Admit it, the collection was not hot.For their anniversary, Marisa gave Rodger and Rachel a DVD of their 1998 St. Barts honeymoon. Rachel was barely recognizable in the video describing herself as “a brunette with no wrinkles.” After, Rachel and Rodger traded gifts. Rachel bought Rodger a gift, and a gift for herself from Rodger – rose gold and diamond handcuffs. When Rodger busted out the Kiki de Montparnasse box, Rachel recoiled in horror repeating the mantra “not wearing it.” When Rodger pulled the relatively benign cami out of the box Rachel’s panic subsided, but she batted down his attempt to show the thong. Can we agree that a sex tape staring these two would be the least erotic thing ever?Rachel seemed pretty disappointed with her gifts until Rodger busted out a custom Barbie doll fashioned in her image. First Dylan McKay’s Porsche, then Rachel Barbie, gentlemen take note.That evening at Donna Karan, Rachel chirped, “Hey Beauty!” to the likes of Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, and Brooke Shields reminding us that Zoe herself is more hired-help than style star. Rodger and Rachel told anybody who would listen about their wedding anniversary, and then feigned surprised when congratulated, exclaiming how nice it was that everyone remembered.
Pam sat Rachel down and gave her a serious talking to regarding her reproductive future. Rachel blames her hectic schedule on her childless womb, but she probably just doesn’t want to get fat or quit smoking. Hermès, Chanel, Balenciaga, these are Rachel’s babies. Getting ready for Marc Jacobs, Rachel vacillated between hair-up or hair-down, with the majority of Team Zoe preferring the hair up so as not to compete with the ruffled shoulder. Considering the jacket choice, her hair did look better up, and that’s how she walked out the door. However, moments later in the car, the hair was down. How can you trust a stylist that cannot style herself?
The next morning, Brad broke the news of a ban on white gowns at the Oscars. Rachel whined, “I hate no white.” Fear not, she utilized the Lam in this Bazaar spread with Atwood.Wrapping things up at Jessica McClintock Marchesa, Rachel fixated on a busy silver beaded dress with a huge bow on the shoulder. Didn’t we learn anything from Charlize’s bow shoulder disaster from a few years back? Even though the bow looked like a big ass parrot sitting on the model’s shoulder, Brad proclaimed the gown “the most coveted dress of the entire season.” He stressed, “If it’s not worn by one of Rachel’s clients, Lord help me.”
You are viewing the Brian Atwood tag archives.