Thank our girl Blanche for this one folks. Early in February, Blanche received a tacky save-the-date email from two betrothed friends. At the end of March, she received this email from the couple:
Hi Everybody!
We have decided to cut back the scope of our wedding and are now planning an alternative ceremony with immediate family and will be canceling the July 19 ceremony.
What started as a desire to throw a simple party for friends and family quickly grew into something neither of us wanted and no longer represented the evening we had in mind. Thank you for all your love and support! We love all of you, it’s just really expensive to feed you :)
With love,
(names withheld to protect the guilty)
Where to begin with this? G-SUS. Yeah, let it wash over you. Rub it in your skin. The pair has the audacity to disinvite guests whom they’ve already asked to save-the-date. To add another layer of grime to the email, they dangle the morsel that they will still be having a festive little clan gathering, you just don’t warrant an inner-circle invite. If that weren’t enough, the reason you can’t come is because you eat too much. Well fuck you too then. And don’t expect a gift either. 
Those of you with long memories remember that just about a year ago I was preparing to attend the wedding of one of my best friends. Despite the build-up, I mysteriously never mentioned the weekend again which some of you surely found annoying and some of you never noticed.
The only useful thing I learned in Brownies – Make New Friends, but Keep the Old. One is Silver and the Other Gold. 
As many of you know, I served as a bridesmaid on Friday. I wore the matching dress – the whole bit. This wedding was one of the most fun I’ve been to, which in all honesty, was an unexpected surprise. The whole event got me thinking of the best and worst ceremonies I’ve attended, and what makes some of these events sing while others are off key. After much nuptial analysis and observation, I humbly offer these considerations when either planning or attending a ceremony. 
A chill bride goes a long way in making a wedding day bearable for everyone else. What makes for a relaxed bride? An attentive bridal party. As a bridesmaid your only job is to say “What do you need? What can I get you? You are the most beautiful.” The rest of the time anticipate the needs of the bride and her parents. Remember that attending a wedding as a bridesmaid is a job. It doesn’t end until the bride pulls away from the reception. My devotion was so unwavering that I hoisted the bride’s dress up while she peed and lifted her train up all night so it wouldn’t drag in the mud. 
I lost a strap on my shoe and improvised with a ribbon and kept it moving. I doubt anyone really noticed, and I even got a few compliments on my shoes. Some guests thought it was a creative fashion statement, which really isn’t that farfetched since I’ve been known to wear some pretty fucking random shit on occasion. Thankfully, I found the strap of my brand new Jeffrey Campbells later that night. 
Expect at least one bridesmaid, close female friend, or relative to come completely unhinged before or during the big day. The myriad motivations behind these dramatics vary greatly, but typically include at the very least jealousy, existential crisis, groom hating, Peter Pan Syndrome, and more. Don’t bother trying to root out the ire. Just distance yourself from the negativity. Wait until after the honeymoon to decide if the behavior is a relationship deal-breaker. 
Friction between the bride’s dad and the groom isn’t exactly uncommon. Most of that tension can be dealt with early and honestly if the groom nuts up and asks Dad for the bride’s hand. Some will find this antiquated. Let me be perfectly clear – the conversation is not some fucked up cow-trading dowry conversation. The purpose of the chat is to provide the opportunity for any parental concerns to be voiced. It is also a gesture of respect and goes a long way in garnering good will. Gays should talk to parents too if feasible under the particular circumstances. 
Speaking of gays, have some sensitivity to the fact that your best gay friends may be really sick of attending straight weddings when most cannot legally marry themselves. 
We’ve discussed buffets here on DC before. As far as I’m concerned, buffets = barffets. Consider family style, served plated, or heavy hors d’oeuvres as an alternative. Don’t you find passed tray hors d’oeuvres kind of awkward for both server and guest? Ask yourself when you’ve ever truly been thrilled with a buffet, and then admit that wedding buffets are notoriously bad. 
What is it with the limp-ass sauteed vegetable medley? I love vegetables, but this oft-presented dish is a good reason why they get a bad reputation. Food must be delicious, appropriately hot or cold, and of a large variety. Provide fruits, vegetables, cheeses, nuts, and yummy bread, in addition to other options, so those with specific dietary needs can negotiate the meal without a fuss. 
Much more to come on weddings and more little doves. The internet is finally up and running in my new nest, so expect a full posting schedule moving forward. Thanks again for your kindness and commitment. 
Aries experience harmony this summer and even more so as you thin the physical, psychological and relationship clutter that’s been bogging you down. Some cuts will be harder to make than others, but your sense of what is real and what isn’t has never been sharper. Rely on it. Mid-month, Aries experience intense and vivid dreams. Use them to inspire you in unexpected directions. Towards the end of the month, avoid getting into petty arguments pertaining to gender roles. Fail to heed this advice and you are the one who will look like an asshole.
Extraordinary is not a word to throw around willy-nilly, but Taurus deserves it because you are not like others. Stronger, more stubborn, and often more successful, you are very well liked and admired. Capable Bulls handle in a day what many people struggle to complete in a week. The hot weather has you looking good and feeling magnetic. Wear daring outfits just because you can. The last week of the month is a good time to get away by yourself. Steer clear of family and friends, especially the 23rd-26th. A solo camping trip perhaps?
With the New Year comes the inevitable flood of engagement announcements. Word trickled out that boring Biel and Timberlake got engaged in Wyoming. Always-the-bride-never-the-bridesmaid Drew Barrymore and her boyfriend Will Kopelman also allegedly agreed to marry. Trawick recently sprung a diamond on Britney, and Matthew slid carats on Camila’s finger too.
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My dear friend Sam is getting married soon and she recently inquired about how to achieve a natural, dewy, minimalist look for her big day. She cited Kate’s (Moss not Middleton, ya’ll) recent nuptials as inspiration.
Wedding makeup is tricky business. The bride must consider lighting, photography, and longevity. Often what works on camera can look down right freakish in person. Furthermore, who can be bothered with endless touch-ups on such an important occasion?
Most brides aim for subtle enhancement to show their best selves. The approach for each bride must be individually tailored to achieve optimal results, but there are a few hard and fast rules for wedding day makeup that simply should not be ignored.
Despite what you might have learned from last weekend’s Jerseylicious marathon, a smoky eye doesn’t work for everyone. Those with hooded eyelids or smaller eyes should stick to lighter neutral shadows. A smoky eye can easily melt into a raccoon eye without proper preservation. If you insist on breaking out some intense shadow for the big day, have at it, but for the love of Aucoin please no super bright colors. Save the hot pink and purple; this is your wedding day and not a club crawl through the Jersey Shore.
Keep shimmer to a minimum. A little here and there to catch the light is fine – corner of the eyes, brow bone, a smidge on the cheek bones, a dab in the center of the lip or arch of the cupid’s bow (NOT all locations por favor). Shimmer reads prominently in photographs. If you go crazy with the highlighter all over; you’ll appear oily and shiny in your pictures. Soft matte works best on camera.
Dramatic brides may consider a red lip. Proceed with caution. Red lips are extremely high-maintenance. Gotta keep it off the teeth, off the dress, and reapply often for maximum punch. A scarlet smoocher can easily dominate the face and take over a photo. The wrong shade of red causes the rest of the face to recede. The tendency is to overcompensate with too much color elsewhere or look washed out. Consider a subtle red wash on the lips to keep features balanced.
Go easy with the foundation and concealer application. Let your skin and inner light shine through. Remember the aim of these products is to perfect the skin, not mask it. Splurge on high-end foundation and concealer, even if you go budget in other areas. Without a perfected base, the whole look crumbles.
Invest in a primer. A decent primer provides staying power. Primer is the key to 8-12 hours of longevity, so you look as good at the end of the reception as you did walking down the aisle.
Blonderexic Alex seems determined to earn her salary this season by working unnecessary drama into every social encounter. Alex described Jill’s totally neutral hello as “incredibly aggressive.” What’s incredibly aggressive is Alex’s shameless grab for camera time. On the way out, Alex invited the group to the equality march across the Brooklyn Bridge in full bridal regalia.
Ramona and Sonja headed downtown under the pretense of attending an art benefit co-hosted by new cast member Cindy. Successful IVF mother of two and owner of a string of waxing salons, Cindy claims to have it all and not need a man.
The rest of the crones arrived in different pairs. Alex got iced out of a few photographs and coped by drowning her pain in free champagne. Her self-conscious hovering smacks of effort. I wish effort would smack her back.
Once Jill got wind of Cindy’s test tube twins, she had to know every detail about their conception. First she grilled Kelly, and when that well dried she went right to the source. When Cindy joined the circle, Jill prefaced her intense inquisition by saying, “Would it be too personal if I asked a couple of questions?”
Ramona 
In the Hamptons, Ramona hosted Alex and Simon for an overnight since all four planned to attend a wedding together. Over bagels, the busted blonde broads prematurely gloated at the idea of Jill not knowing Alex would be at the event.
Ramona and Alex must have shared a crack pipe before they got dressed because they both showed up to a wedding in white/ivory. Both looked fug and so wrong. They might as well have given the bride the finger. Furthermore, considering Bethenny and Jill are both in the shapewear business now, it’s a mystery why Alex can’t grasp the concept of a proper undergarment. After the ceremony, Ramona added fuck-up to faux pas when she was overheard talking shit about some other guests (including Cindy’s brother?), thereby causing offense and tense embarrassment.
Alex cornered Jill and needled her over lending her name to the equality march but not participating in it. Throughout the afternoon Jill stewed over the confrontation. Later, when she took shade with two other ladies, she unleashed on Alex, calling her a “fucking bitch.” Proving she hasn’t changed much, Jill followed it up by saying, “Look at her. She is socializing at a party that is so above her.”
Alex and Ramona joined the group, and Alex reignited her pecking over whether Jill knew she was going to be at the wedding. It was a meaningless point to press and just made Alex look petty, desperate, and attention-seeking.
Ramona swept the event with an impressive three party fouls. The final one occurred when Ramona dug her finger into the previously unmolested wedding cake.
