Recently, my friend broke up with a Scorpio and she’s moving out. I told her she better hurry because Scorpios are spiteful. Psst. Someone might wanna tell Jason Hoppy. He’s about to endure the psychological, physical, and spiritual spanking of his life.
TMZ went snooping around the couple’s divorce papers, and by the slant of the intel I suspect Jason personally hand-delivered the documents to Harvey Levin’s desk. 
1) Bethenny seeks primary physical custody of Bryn. (No big surprise there.)
2) Bethenny moved to enforce the prenup signed March 23, 2010. (Definitely no surprise there.)
3) Frankel requested child support. (Best characterized as a routine request in an atypical financial situation.)
4) She also asked for medical, dental, optical, therapeutic, and orthodontic expenses for both her and Bryn. Is Bethenny Getting Braces?
Bethenny suffers to lose significantly more from a drawn out split. Much like Kris Humphries desperately clinging to the last burnt, bitter wisps of fame by refusing to divorce Kim, Jason can only benefit from making this separation process as tedious, embarrassing, and damaging to Bethenny as possible. Bethenny and her well-compensated counsel better craft an unbelievably attractive agreement and apply some coercive tactics to get ink on it fast.
We’ve all been on quite a ride with Mizz Frankel haven’t we? At first, in the earliest days of RHNY, I was sort of fond of her. Perhaps she was just the least offensive member of an all-around offensive group, but for the most part we were rooting for her. 
As her fame, brand, and wealth grew, so did her narcissism, impatience, greed, and need for control. In my opinion, her merger with Jason was just that – a calculated business decision aimed at furthering her appeal to a larger (more lucrative) audience. Along came Bryn, and with her new baby Bethenny had all the the perfect ingredients to market cocktails, shapewear, skin care, books, and more to eager moms. Not to mention Bethenny leveraged her new role as “mommy” to snag sponsorship deals with major players like Pampers. 
First during Bethenny Getting Married? and later throughout Bethenny Ever After, the couple’s total incompatibility became full-on apparent. This last season grew so uncomfortable, I couldn’t even find the humor and fun in writing my silly little recaps. So it comes as no surprise that rumors are flying concerning both parties consulting divorce lawyers.
With divorce rumblings comes financial talk. Several lawyers were asked to comment on what Jason is likely to gain from the split. Now, I ain’t one to gossip, but I heard that Bethenny pushed Jason to sign a pre-nup and a revised post-nuptial agreement. Trust, her assets are protected. Based on her upbringing and past behavior, I contend that Bethenny would not jeopardize her fortune or her daughter’s future for any man. 
Along with the rest of you, I’ve been predicting the demise of this showmance for sometime. During a recent episode, a morsel of information slipped out that only served to cement my hunch about their impending split. Bethenny stated that Jason goes to church every Sunday. Specifically, she said “Jason goes,” the inference being that she stays home and he goes without her. That struck me as a profound proof of the distance between these two. 
Consider how much bullshit Jason endures for Bethenny. How many events must he attend where she is the “star,” and he is the purse-holding husband pushed off the step-and-repeat so the paps can get a clean shot of the money maker? She can’t spend one hour in church with the man? Look, I’m no Bible beater, but church might actually do Bethenny some good. Even if it didn’t, it would show a willingness to support Jason and do something as a family that isn’t 100% focused on Bethenny. The trouble with the current version of Bethenny is that everything in her life and the lives of her hired sycophants is Bethenny-centric. Why do you think Julie left? And let’s not even get into all the unnecessary conflict Frankel caused with Jason’s salt-of-the-Earth parents…
And as for the infidelity rumors with Matt Hesse? The two clearly have chemistry, and Bethenny eyes him with a particular undeniable gleam during their on-air interactions. He knows she wants him and he’ll milk her sexual attraction to maximize his professional and financial future. He’s a self-proclaimed modelizer. Obviously fucking Bethenny is a resume builder, not a dick stiffener. Let her taste a bit of her own overly acidic Skinnygirl medicine with this handsome opportunist. 
As this plays out, I predict the following: 1) First, the couple will offer a wave of denials until a confidential agreement is locked down tight; 2) Jason will NOT end up with anything close to half of Bethenny’s fortune, but she will overpay on the pre-nup/post-nup to preserve and protect her privacy and misdoings; 3) She will hold off announcing the split until after she finds out if her 6 week trial run talk show gets picked up for a full season (it won’t).
In an effort to test market a possible booty-thickening addition to her shapewear line, Bethenny spent the first several minutes of this week’s episode flaunting her artificially-enhanced ass in everyone’s face. First Julie, then Ethan, and finally Jason got a face full of butt pad everywhere they turned.
When Jason admired her new asset, Bethenny first credited the skating, but when Jason pressed to bang the booty, she had to fess up to her new accessory to his epic disappointment.
The Hoppy family + staff hit up the Christmas tree farm where Bethenny provided a Santa hat to tree farmer Don and forced him to double as an impromptu St. Nick. She thrust Bryn into the man’s arms, insisted on taking pictures, and cooed as the baby tugged on Don’s beard. Explain the parental blind spot that prevents otherwise reasonable folks from understanding that it is not appropriate to impose their children on others.
After balking at the big city prices, Jason flailed about with the saw, sending Bethenny’s motherly protectiveness into overdrive. Dawa selected a tree, and while the crew packed it up, Don offered Bethenny and Jason a ride on the back of his pick-up truck. The ride was rough, but unfortunately not rough enough to knock either of them off the back.
Bethenny planned what she thought would be a hilarious ugly Christmas sweater party, and maybe it would have been funny ten years ago when this idea first made the rounds. Ugly Christmas sweater parties are so over. (Shoutout Portlandia)
Food God Nick submitted his first food blog, and Bethenny and Julie creamed themselves over his sesquipedalian and grandiloquent writing style (two can play at that game Nick). After finishing an oral recitation of the multi-page account, Bethenny immediately got Nick on the phone, offered him a job with the Skinnygirl website, and asked him to a fancy dinner at Mr. Chow.
Nick borrowed a sports coat from his Dad and wore a wrinkly, dingy button-up with no undershirt. This kid is crying out for a makeover. Nick, write me, I’ll help you, seriously.
The producers obviously put Nick up to asking Bethenny’s advice on his love life. His girlfriend just left him because he’s an admitted stage five clinger. Bethenny recommended internet dating like it was some sort of novel concept. Trust, those resembling Nick have had a lot of interesting experiences with the internet. Bethenny dished clichéd advice between bites, and Nick politely thanked her for stating the obvious. An insightful guy, Food God Nick must be using her for fame, because there is no way he doesn’t see her for the insipid, self-important twat she is.
Bethenny and Jason needed a new nanny since Gina left to convalesce after her surgery. Their top choice is a woman named Dawa. Born in India and of Tibetan descent, Dawa must be genetically calm or some such racist shit according to her new employers.
After butchering her four letter name repeatedly, Bethenny and Jason gave Dawa the grand tour of the nursery and pantry. Bethenny in particular put on a high-drama neurotic show for the cameras. No wonder ratings are way down this season. Truthfully, this mundane shit is dreadfully dull.
Dawa informed Bethenny that she doubles as a hair dresser, so Bethenny got a blowout from the new two-for nanny. Not sure how long ago Dawa werked weaves in India but her technique and finish on the blowout left much room for improvement. Stick to burping babes Dawa.
Over dinner, Jason told Bethenny that sales of Skinnygirl expanded from 13 states to 40. She contemplated the future sale of Skinnygirl and revealed that several companies that had previously turned her down were now begging to buy her out. No doubt a satisfying moment for Bethenny, but it is disappointing to think the same people that doubted her are now financially profiting from her idea.
Speaking of sell outs, a few episodes back we discussed the sale of Skinnygirl to Beam, and at the time the sale price was undisclosed. Recently, several outlets from the Wall Street Journal to Wendy Williams reported Bethenny sold Skinnygirl for $120 million. Does that officially make her the richest Housewife? (Bitch please, spin-off or not she’ll always be a Housewife.) The timing of the sale makes sense because Bethenny officially peaked awhile ago, even if she continues to fight against her inevitable decline.
Despite her public bitch fight with Johnny Weir (Team Johnny!), Bethenny made it all the way to The Skating with the Stars finale show by riding a wave of drunken Skinnygirl fan support. To properly prepare, Bethenny rented a beachfront house in Malibu and invited Ethan over for a Mexican fiesta and tabletop dance.
Bethenny keeps hinting that a move to California is around the corner. Can we look forward to a new cast member on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Bethenny and Kyle go way back, so the notion isn’t that far afield. Plant the seed ya’ll.
This episode of Bethenny Ever After started in Dr. Amador’s office and flashed back through the previous week of escalating crazy. Bravo should have structured the entire season this way and re-titled it Narcissist in the City. Rumors circulate about Bethenny exercising EP power to have portions of the episodes re-edited so she appears more likable. If that’s true, you have to wonder what this episode looked like before it was softened. So without further ado, let us commence the countdown to BFrank’s big breakdown.
First up, Gina informed Bethenny that she was having surgery at the end of the week, and therefore their time must come to an end. Through tears, the two tried to envision a future apart. After claiming G as family, Bethenny seemed mostly concerned about a replacement nanny and how this crisis might inconvenience her skating schedule. Bethenny didn’t offer support, financial or otherwise, to Gina at any point in the conversation. This is how rich people treat their 
The whole family arrived in L.A. for Bethenny’s debut performance on Skating with the Stars. Jason and Bethenny drove around Beverly Hills and contemplated which area of L.A. might suit them best for a future move. The two stopped at an empty house for sale and jumped the fence. Feeling ultra-rebellious at first, they soon started to panic. Getting back over the fence proved even less graceful, and Jason complained of a thumb injury while hoisting B up and over in her thigh-high boots – the worst footwear possible for a stealth breaking and entering.
Bethenny performed beautifully for her first-ever televised skating routine. Was she stiff and stifled? A little, but as a premiere showing, she did better than the 5s she received from the judges. Out the gate, she failed to evoke any good will from the panel. Before the judges comments, the public criticism aspect of the competition obviously hadn’t dawned on Bethenny. Getting picked apart like that ain’t easy. When the feedback wasn’t all roses and sunshine, her spirit palpably plummeted.
Back in NYC, Chef Bethenny prepped for Bryn’s first Thanksgiving. Due to technical difficulties, the turkey wasn’t cooked through and Bethenny started snapping at everyone’s attempts to console her. Julie, Jason, the Grandparents Hoppy, and even the ancillary ghub got the sharp end of her Scorpio stinger. When she finished screaming at her guests, Bethenny stormed off to her bedroom to 
Back to the therapist couch, Dr. Amador asked Bethenny what Thanksgiving was like for her growing up. Bethenny said her Mom (Bernadette serving a little Priscilla Presley below) was a really good cook, but a perfectionist. If for any reason things weren’t perfect, according to Bethenny her Mom would flip out.
The phrase “walking on eggshells” popped up several times in this episode, and it dawned on Bethenny that she recreated the very scenario she resented growing up.
“I end up sucking a lot of energy out of the room, and when I’m not happy it ends up being quite contagious.”
The paradigm-shifting epiphany sent Bethenny into an existential tailspin where she recognized how she mirrored Bernadette in so many ways. And like so many others before her, Bethenny was horrified at the realization that she too had become her mother.
Think how distressed she’ll be when she realizes in about 30 years Bryn will be having the exact same nauseating moment of self-awareness.
The world’s most attentive grandparents plotted with Gina to get an antique dressform to the party place without triggering Bethenny’s suspicions. Gina blew the cahoots. Rather than circle the block with the baby to kill a little time, she returned home and received a terse verbal lashing about “poor planning” from bitchy birthday Bethenny.
Bethenny claims not to care about clothes much, and while she generally looks decent, her personal style isn’t particularly fashion-forward. While whining about wardrobe, Bethenny took a twirl in a few different options and sought approval from the peanut gallery.
The first dress had a full skirt and an asymmetrical neckline. Julie liked it, but she wasn’t sure it was right for that night.
Second, B tried on the “wonder woman” gold-belted cocktail number. Without a good full length shot, it’s hard to tell, but from what was shown, this one was best. However, no one in the room had the taste level to discern that it was the most flattering, so Bethenny moved on to…
We’ve seen variations of these looks on her before, and even with a body as toned as Bethenny’s, shiny fabric brutally betrays forty years of bitter reality.
In perhaps her most annoying and childish move of the season, Bethenny curled up in a ball with her dog on the floor of her closet and whimpered in a baby voice. This bitch is forty. 4-0.
Jason and his parents returned home to find Bethenny having her makeup done in the middle of the apartment. With no sense of irony, Bethenny started crying to Jason about not wanting all this attention and wanting to be left alone. Nobody’s stopping you from walking right out the door Bethenny. Don’t let the boom mic hit you on the way out.
As everyone around flitted about trying to make everything perfect for her party, Bethenny commiserated with the make-up artist about the “birthday blues.”
While Bethenny whines about not wanting it to be all about her, these attention-seeking complaints keep drawing energy in her direction. A less selfish person might just smile and let everyone enjoy the party; accept well-wishes and gifts with grace. A self-centered person throws a fit and wears everyone out with her high-maintenance emotional messiness.
While getting her weave worked, B had a fashinspiration and broke out a well-tailored skinny tux with her shapewear cami underneath. When in doubt, pimp the product.
In the car, Bethenny couldn’t even muster enough enthusiasm for a real kiss. Later in his interview segment, Jason admitted that he wished she’d just suck it up. For once Jason, we agree.
Shawn worked like a hog during truffle season to root a “thank you” out of Bethenny for his gratis party planning. She did say it was “perfect” and “not to stress,” but she did not pull him aside, look him in the eye, and truly acknowledge his efforts. That’s the problem with free stuff: it is often wasted on the undeserving and ungrateful.
Bethenny worked the crowd catching up with Alex and Simon, Ramona, Lauren and many others. Ramona advised Bethenny to do the most important things first, and if the rest gets done, it gets done. Preach Ramona.
A few dreaded surprises ramped up to the big birthday breakdown. First, Teri showed up from Florida and lorded over Bethenny that she made it to party even though Bethenny didn’t come to hers. The guilt-trip triggered tears, and from there it was all down hill.
Jason called Bethenny up for the birthday toast where he set up the big gift reveal. 
Remove the apron, so we can actually see the form. Note to the grandparents: women under 55 do not wear un-ironic brooches.
On the brink of tears, Bethenny fled to one side of the bar and Jason to the other. When Ramona started yapping on about “raw love,” Bethenny turned on her heels and grabbed Jason and pulled him into the bathroom.
Bethenny wailed hysterically and kept apologizing to Jason as she became increasingly unwound. When Ramona looked at Bethenny like she was Kelly Bensimon, it was obvious just how emotionally off-center the event had become.
Just to end it with a bang, a quartet of waiters brought out a super-sparkler topped cake. The pyrotechnics required so much energy to extinguish that Bethenny split her pants.
The first of several 40th birthday parties kicked off at a suite at the Gansevoort where Bethenny and her girls pre-gamed with Skinnygirl and mini-sliders. Later, Bethenny rallied the group for a schlong hunt at Plunge.
Why does Bethenny think she has game? She acted like a crazed Ramona lusting over the general manager conveniently named Jason. At 40 not 30, Bethenny’s a little more resistible than she thinks. Seriously, slow your roll and stop embarrassing yourself.
After a few drinks, each sloppster took a turn stomping out her dignity in the center of the dance circle. Julie offered the most interesting dance craze – the metro card – a reenactment of that graceful moment when the metro card fails and you whiplash against the immobile turnstile. Bethenny acted like Julie was nutz. Apparently it has been awhile since bougie Bethenny has taken the train, because that shit was brilliant. Anyone who takes public transportation would know that dance of shame anywhere.
The next day, Bethenny got the call about Skating With the Stars and it was immediately obvious that she was going to say “yes,” even though she pretended she was going to discuss it with the family. Back at casa Hoppy, Jason braced himself for the latest news.
Jason didn’t seem too enthusiastic about the idea and immediately started chipping away at her excitement with loaded questions. Jealous much? Then he asked if it would be better for her to do Dancing With the Stars. Her response was fucking priceless, and proves how big her head has become.
Her implication – that she would turn down the highly rated Dancing With the Stars in favor of Skating With the Stars – could not be more patently absurd. Bitch please. No one asked you to be on Dancing With the Stars. Don’t fucking act like you would have turned down Dancing with the God Damn Stars because no one on this planet believes your fame-seeking ass would ever do any such thing.
Julie joined the meeting and even though she and Jason had concerns about time and scheduling, there was no talking Bethenny out of her skates. She knew she was accepting the offer the minute they called. Make no mistake: Bethenny furthers her fame first.
Even though no one had even mentioned Bethenny’s birthday, she moaned that everyone kept “harping on her 40th birthday,” so she simply must have a lavish party to satisfy the masses or some such self-important bullshit. She met up with her wedding planner Shawn for lunch and he offered to plan the party for her as a 
Later Jason and Bethenny took Bryn on an afternoon stroll. Jason nit-picked the proposed plans. The two began to bicker about the number of guests, the timing of food and drink, and the appropriate night for the party.
With a proposed guest list of 35-45, Bethenny didn’t want to exclude her friends for Jason’s buddies. In another dick move, Jason played the “you’re married now, Bethenny” card. In this instance, Bethenny’s right on. It is her birthday, and the guest list should be comprised of her friends. Jason manipulated her by calling her selfish, and got his way to invite ten friends to her party. When Jason turns forty he can invite all his friends. Not all couples must share friends. Furthermore, Jason’s friends don’t actually give a fuck about celebrating Bethenny’s birthday, so he should stop fronting like they do.
From there things got progressively uglier, and a sour cloud hovered over the rest of the walk, the talk, and the party. Bethenny began to regret agreeing to the bash. Considering the amount of celebrations Bethenny’s had for Bethenny this year – engagement, showers, a televised wedding – a low key fortieth might have been a better way to go.
Bethenny met her skating partner Ethan Burgess at the rink, but the chemistry wasn’t exactly gelling. Awkward chatter peppered practice and culminated with Bethenny declaring that she’d seen Ethan fall in a competition on youtube. Not knowing when to STFU, Bethenny continued to prattle and opined his fall was due to the rocky relationship with his girlfriend/skate partner. Nice first impression.
Back in bed, Bethenny and Jason continued to write “birthday party disaster” all over the walls. Each time the topic came up, the two clashed.
Since Bethenny’s latest book is about conquering negative thoughts, take note of Bethenny’s own self-defeating behavior. She says things like “my whole life has been like that.” Boo Fucking Hoo.
This week’s Bethenny Ever After reminded us just how offensive folks can be while hiding behind a shield of overprotective parenting philosophies. Gina brought the Hoppy Family outside the ivory towers of TriBeCa to Brooklyn to enjoy the Yoruba–Orisha Baptist Church. Those of you who paid attention in undergrad may remember Yoruba as a religion geographically rooted in Nigeria and Benin, that traveled with the people, and subsequently flourished in parts of the Caribbean and South America. The flavor of this particular church blends Christian Baptist and Yoruba traditions.
Bethenny and Jason marveled at the congregants like they were a tribe of primitive aboriginals. The two commented on their “exotic” dress and head-wear as Bravo layered the cheapest canned “island beats” they could afford into the background.
Even though every single other woman in the room had their head covered, Bethenny didn’t seem to take the hint that she needed to cover her hair as a sign of respect, so one of the women helped her out by offering a scarf. Despite the obvious religious significance, both Bethenny and Jason seemed to confuse the gesture of humility with a fashion statement and giggled like school kids about the aesthetic.
Instead of wondering about whether her Fredrick’s of Hollywood hand-me-down lingerie was supporting those billowy garments (sidebar: Who the fuck donates skanky used lingerie to a baptist church?), it should have occurred to Bethenny to cover her legs, or better yet, her crotch when visiting a place of worship. The concept of modesty as a gesture of reverence apparently never entered her mind.
The tour through Offensiville didn’t stop there. Jason thought it appropriate to crack several jokes about “The Spirit” entering Bryn, and generally mocked the traditions of the congregation, all while sitting front row in a church that took special effort to honor his family.
Based on the footage shown, it is pretty difficult to ascertain exactly how many conversations transpired between Gina and the Parents Hoppy prior to the event, but it is pretty obvious that there was a failure to manage expectations all around.
Clearly, the blessing was indeed a baptism. Specifically, the words “that she may be baptized with water received into Christ’s Holy Church” were uttered, and admittedly it doesn’t get much more baptismal than that.
Jason just kept repeating, “it’ll be over in a minute.” Pastor Wilkinson cradled Bryn and dabbed water on her forehead as the congregation sang and clapped. Bethenny completely lost her shit and told Gina she wasn’t comfortable 
She started to maneuver around the group looking for an opening to snatch Bryn back. When she got her opportunity, she grabbed the baby and made a run for it – right down the aisle out the church doors onto the sidewalk.
Gina kept assuring the couple, against the weight of the evidence, that it wasn’t a baptism. Jason’s panties were especially knotted over the fact that his parents missed the impromptu saving. Always with the parents Jason – seriously, enough with the parents already.
Back at home, Bethenny and Jason reinforced each other’s bad behavior and justified their over-reaction by chalking it up to primal parenting instincts. Weirder yet, the experience convinced Bethenny that she wanted Bryn baptized Catholic – because the church has such a sterling history with children?
Since fame has replaced her non-paid friends, Bethenny asked Julie to be Bryn’s Godmother. Julie seemed genuinely touched, and she does heart Bryn.
On the day of the christening, Father Daly kept calling Bethenny “Brittany,” and limply phoned-in what was likely his fortieth baby bath of the year. Of the two ceremonies, who wouldn’t prefer Gina’s jubilation and song over Father Daly’s anointing oil and an evil-nature-of-man ethos?
This week Bethenny snatched Bryn for a morning corner store run while Gina caught up on her beauty rest. Since Bryn sleeps through the night, Bethenny contemplates why Gina’s still residing in the nursery.
Bethenny and Jason did some market research on Skinnygirl Margarita by hitting their local liquor store. After discussing the supply issues with the owner, the two took a step out front where Bethenny again pressured Jason to sort out the problems with her business. 
Bethenny wants heads to roll, but she doesn’t want to pick up the axe. She’s exhausting with her all-bark-no-bite personality. Nut up or shut up. (Sidenote: predictions of 1 million cases sold in 2011? Folks are buying?)
Food God Nick delivered rosemary focaccia baglunch from an underground sandwich shop and he and Bethenny discussed the best food carts. Bethenny offered to give Nick a blog within her website, and the two spent several minutes bandying about ideas.
Then out came Bryn, and Nick looked at her very sincerely and said, “very nice to meet you.” This kid is too much. Episode highlight.
In therapy Bethenny discussed bringing Jason into the business. This bitch doesn’t know what she wants. Out the gate, she states clearly, “I need a chief under me.” Dr. Amador then asked whether Jason would be working for Bethenny or with her. Without missing a beat she said, “with me.” Which is it Bethenny? Is he under you or beside you?
Then it kinda seemed like Dr. Amador was trying to drop B off his therapeutic nutsack, but she wasn’t having it. She just kept repeating, “You cannot break up with me.” Awkward.
For Gina’s birthday, Bethenny took her to the day spa for a little mani/pedi. Gina seemed more interested in whether they “waxed vaginas.” While their feet got werked, Gina explained the source of her bitterness. She accuses her husband of removing her name from a deed to property she purchased in Trinidad. Don’t worry too much about Gina. She’ll break out some island justice on his azz.
Bethenny finally decided to confront the minimally helpful assistant Max. Rather than dealing with the issue weeks ago, Bethenny’s been stewing on her dissatisfaction with his job performance. As she lectured him about professionalism and appropriateness, it never fully crystallized whether she was firing or just warning him.
This show should be renamed Bethenny Bungles Her Business because she kinda sucks at managing things at Skinnygirl headquarters. Bad hiring decisions, unclear communication, abdication of responsibility, failure to set limits – bossy-biz Bethenny is a hot-ass ineffectual mess. (Legal disclaimer: all opinions here). 
Food God Nick and Bethenny met up for a food crawl. She seemed outraged by the news that he didn’t eat red meat, and this confession slowed the momentum of the entire adventure. After, the two met up with Jason and Bryn and got faded on spiked smoothies.
Wrapping up this week, Bethenny bestowed Gina with a red velvet birthday cake. Gina seized the moment to inform Bethenny that she’s planning to stay on until May. Well played Gina. Well played.