Tag Archives: budget

Furthermore, It’s Not Right When…

MAD HUH…After 6 weeks of dating (including sleepovers), he still hasn’t taken down his OkCupid profile.  OKCUPID DOUCHE…He actually accepts the money you offer him for a lunch he begged you for even though he makes 3x your annual salary. CHEAP ASSHOLE…He tells you he likes you; that he’s starting to get attached; that this could get serious; and then informs you he’s planning a month-long trip to Europe with his ex’s best friend.

SERIOUSLY TRY…He’s 30 years older than you.  YOU’RE DELUSIONAL OLD MAN. Celebrities At The Kentucky Derby

 

icy

FROSTY GLASSESWhen I remodeled my kitchen, I opted out of a freezer with a built-in ice maker.  In my experience, the ice that comes out of built-in ice makers usually tastes like whatever is in the freezer.  Gross.  Personally, I’m not a daily ice consumer, but if I am going to invest in an ice maker it’s gotta be the good ice.  Nugget Ice.NUGGET ICE While I’m saving up for my very own nugget ice maker, I’ve come up with a temporary solution for my icelessness.  I fill high-ball and pint glasses one eighth of an inch (+/-) full of filtered water and then freeze.  The glass gets nice and frosty and the water conveniently freezes into a cube in the bottom of the glass.  When guests come by, you have a frosty glass + ice already to go.  The presentation is enjoyable and unexpected.  This creative chilling method beats the hell out of messy, space-sucking ice trays which produce plastic-tasting cubes.     MAC ON ICE

 

$8 flannel shirt > $88 flannel shirt

JCREW FLANNELIn perusing my closet recently, I realized all my long sleeved-shirts are either inappropriately worn or way too big.  This set me on a hunt for transitional button-downs that work as an extra thermal layer.  I love a good flannel and there were some really cute ones at J.Crew for $89.  Call me old fashioned but 90 bucks for a flannel shirt made in China is preposterous.  Kurt Cobain is rolling over in his grave.  FADED GLORY FLANNELJust two weeks later, I was at a major discount retailer where I stumbled across some super cute flannels in the boys department for $8.  Major fucking score.  I bought three.  I love the not-too-girly classic flannel patterns and the shrunken silhouette.  They are definitely as cute if not cuter than shirts 10X their price.  Boys department for phenomenal flannel.  Get into it. FADED GLORY RED AND BLACK FLANNEL

Egyptian Magic

EGYPTIAN MAGIC LARGEThe beauty industry has lead us to believe that we need a targeted cream for every part of the body.  According to savvy marketers, we need a different face cream for night and day, specific formulas for hand and eye, and a distinct lotion for the rest of the body.  Hogwash.  If you want one product that does the work of all these, look no further than Egyptian Magic.  Yup, I’m talking about that mystical old-school hippie shit from the health food store.  The formula has practically been around since the dawn of time.  Containing a blend of a mere seven basic ingredients, Egyptian Magic is simple, natural, and profoundly effective.  Use it for almost anything from lip balm to cracked heels.  EGYPTIAN MAGIC SWIRL

i hate you IKEA

I hate you IKEA because you smell funny.  I blame the restaurant.  The Swedes are not known for their cuisine.  A fellow patron spilled one of those ligonberry drinks and I watched as it penetrated the polished concrete floor like battery acid.  I want to throw a Swedish meatball at your stadium-sized head IKEAIKEA CHINAI hate you IKEA because you seduce me with your displays.  While walking through the showroom, it all looks like Oz.  When your resolve has weakened and you are ready to drop your panties for that $199 dresser, follow the yellow brick road down to the warehouse and pull back the curtain to find a sea of gray, bleak cardboard, and overwhelming confusion stacked from floor to ceiling.  IKEA WAREHOUSEI hate you IKEA because you are still the most affordable option for semi-stylish home furnishings.  What makes IKEA a hassle is what makes IKEA cheap.  THAT'S WHYI hate you IKEA because you make your employees wear the ugliest shirts ever made.  Are you furniture referees?  Lemme get you a whistle and maybe you can wrangle some of these deranged children out of the way.IKEA REFEREESI hate you IKEA because you assign homework.  I have to put this thing together now?  My friend Trish hired some dude off Craigslist to put all her IKEA furniture together – assembling shitty pre-fab furniture is a cottage industry.  Skills for life, people.  Skills for life. IKEA CRAIGSLIST

 

sink stank

SINK STANKWhen your sink stanks don’t bother with gimmicky solutions. PLINK

All you need is lemons.  Send small pieces of lemon with the peel down the disposal to eliminate the odor.  The cast off lemon wedge from your ice tea is enough to do the trick.  LEMONS

Just the Tip

JUST THE TIPWhen the squeaky door drives you crazy, but you are are too lazy to get the WD40, use cooking spray to silence the hinges. PAM DOOR HINGEKeep flossers in your makeup kit and use the gum stimulator part to separate clumped lashes and smooth unruly eyebrows. DENTEK COMPLETEObsessively moisturize your feet.  Polished toes won’t excuse or disguise dry, dirty, rough skin.    FEET

Would You Rather?

Would you rather have your car washed and gassed every week or receive a pair of diamond earrings?Me = care for the car bitch. Would you rather couple with someone of means with no sex drive or a poor person who is always pawing at you?Me = desire over dinero. Would you rather take an exotic trip with four people you barely know or stay home alone?Me = I’d rather be domestically bored than internationally annoyed. Would you rather have 1 oz of premium chocolate or a whole bag of Hershey’s?Me = It’s chocolate so I’ll take either in a pinch, but quality over quantity. Would you rather have a $100,000 home that is paid for or a $1,000,000 home with a mortgage? Me = free and clear. 

 

eat me: island edition

So you’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating, traveling on the Hawaiian Islands is fucking astronomically expensive.  Know what else is surprising?  The food is consistently mediocre and totally overpriced (You were so RIGHT Annabella!), even for vegetarians.After navigating three different islands over the last 9 days, I’ve picked up a few strategies for cutting culinary costs.  In preparing for this trip, I came across a lot of advice.  Most of it was useless.  My aim here is to offer up some helpful non-obvious information.For instance, one of the most common recommendations I read on the internet before coming to Hawaii is to hit up the COSTCO.  If you are rolling a week deep with a family of four, perhaps that is a smart move for you.  However, think about whether or not you can really get through COSTCO-size servings before you return home.  The tendency is to overbuy and end up wasting.  Not a good look.  Buy only the essentials in quantities you can use during your trip.  You aren’t really saving money if you throw half of it away.Remember as a general rule, in Hawaii nothing comes with anything.  Order a veggie burger for $8; don’t expect fries.  Realistically expect to pay another $5 for fries.  First, decided if you MUST have fries.  If the answer is yes, then decide if you need a whole order to yourself.  If not, share.  Sharing is caring.They also really love “wraps” here, so expect a lot of burrito-shaped foods.  Grab a wrap and then buy extras like chips and a drink at a convenience store to avoid the deli-style markup.Make this a vegetarian vacation.  You’ll pay more for vegetarian food here than on the mainland – which by the way makes no fucking sense since many of the veggies are grown locally – but vegetarian dishes are still less expensive than anything else on the menu.  (Why not try some taro?)  Plus, sticking with veggies will keep you looking good in your swimwear and ward off  pesky travel constipation.  Don’t act like you don’t get backed up bitch.Generally speaking, the exploitative resorts have pretty crappy food served in the least interesting environment.  What you are essentially paying for here is a premium on convenience.  If the timing or circumstances of your travel require a meal on the property, skirt the ridiculous up-charge on room service by walking your lazy ass down and picking up carry-out from the bar.  Skip the “fanciest” restaurant on the property and just stick to the bar and cafe – almost always the food is all coming out of the same kitchen anyway.Let me caution you on the hyperbole-laced shaved ice.  I was standing in the grocery store in Waimea looking at postcards when I heard the check-out girl exclaim “Oh No!”  A customer passed the fuck out in the check out line.  I pulled her up on my lap, got her some water, called her friends, and waited with her until the paramedics arrived.  What took her down?  Shaved Ice. Poor girl had too much sugar, too much heat, and not enough quality nutrition.  After that bad churro took me down at Coachella, I learned my lesson about the overly sweet snacking, especially in the heat.  While that $5 shaved ice looks tempting, skip it for a low-glycemic, substantive option.By the way, don’t ever be the dork at the luau.  So Fucking Lame.  I’m sorry, but I don’t think we can be friends if you attend a rude pig-sacrificing luau.

Mai e `ai