Aquarius
Happy Birthday Aquarius! Neptune enters the scene this month for Aquarius, leaving you cloudy, burry, and seeing life through a Vaseline-coated lens. This is not the month for communication, big decisions, or executing plans. Seek a second opinion from a trusted expert if you must move ahead with major moments in February. This phase of lapsed judgment will pass as the stars change, so don’t panic. Stick to habits, routines, and grounding activities. Your greatest moments of clarity will come from artistic expression, so put energy towards painting, sewing, dancing, or whatever your form of creativity. The theme of your romantic life this month should be STFU. Don’t whine and keep your feelings to yourself. You will save yourself from a mountain full of unnecessary drama, and others will not only notice, but admire your silent suffering.
Pisces
Pisces turn inward this February and regroup with periods of peaceful isolation. To move forward, Pisces must formulate a plan without distraction. Money has never been of greater concern, and financial strategy becomes an essential part of charting the course ahead. Get ultra organized, follow a schedule, and handle your bizness. As you well know, time is passing quickly. Do not let it pass you by. As for love, inhibitions leave you uncommunicative, and you rightly sense a general lack of receptivity to your ideas. If relations become too strained, take a break.
Aries 
The theme for Aries in February is caretaking. Take care of yourself, family, friends and animals. Clean the house. Bake a muffin. Make others feel loved and important. Push through daily goals. Receive acknowledgments, praise, and recognition with tact. In intimate relations, frustrated desires and obstacles trigger anger resulting in rash behavior and ultimately regret. Control that fiery temper in the face of unavoidable conflict and confrontation.
Taurus
Taurus splits energy between two areas this February: spirituality and law. First, the strictures and confines of traditional religion comfort Taurus, and now more than ever you may feel drawn to worship in the traditional sense. Feel no shame in exploring this path further. Legal matters take practical precedence. Document drafting, financial planning, and future predictions mix together to make or break the venture. Provide authentic and accurate information.
Gemini
Geminis always feel a bit put upon, like no one appreciates their gifts. Give the constant quest for recognition a rest, and turn your energy towards your financial resources. Are you allocating them wisely? Tend to debts and everything you and your partner hold in common. Speaking of partners, perplexing relationship issues seem clear to you now. Geminis begin to understand their part and the part their honeys play in relationship breakdowns. Patience, compassion, and kindness smooth rough patches.
Cancer
February continues a theme of balance and stability which extends throughout 2012. To really feel heard, you need to share your troubles with those around you. The wise advice of your confidants proves especially helpful and soothing. Listen to your intuition and avoid involvements that feel uncomfortable. This time you’ll get a second bite at the apple. When on a pessimistic jag, Cancers can get a little me-against-the-world. Don’t give into that self-pitying tendency. Indulge it, and you’ll end up feeling overwhelmed and pressured.
Leo
Leos must balance practicality against romanticism and provide a generous allotment of time for both. Professionally, get organized and maximize your contribution by remaining orderly and efficient. Make deliberate and mindful decisions. This is not the month to play therapist with troubled co-workers. At most, help colleagues with new methods. Play with puppies, ride horses, and walk the dog. Now is the time for the joy of animals. Leos fan the flames of romance this Valentine’s Day, and your effort is noticed and appreciated by the recipient of all your good woo. Leos relax competitiveness, work to please and create harmony. Someone will try and seduce you; only you can decide if you want to fuck.
Virgo
Spend energy showing others how much you care this February Virgo. Repair any frayed relationship edges. Put your own concerns aside and offer others sustenance and praise. You will receive great blessings for your generosity. Unfortunately this February won’t be particularly romantic. Discord plagues personal relationships. Finding meaningful emotional connections proves challenging this month. This fleeting phase will pass, so don’t overreact. Closeness resumes between you and your partner as the stars change. Allow this energy to pass without forcing any issues and all will return to normal soon.
Libra
Libras need to tie up loose ends in February. Envision the end result and then consider how to methodically implement order and complete the unfinished. Picturing goals accomplished conjures magic that will help Libras spin action into manifestation. Remain patient. Use talents for the benefit of others. You will shine brightest when you share your resources. Appreciation and positivity follows. A beneficial opportunity may arise from an opportunity or contact.
Scorpio 
Scorpios look to find their highest purpose and means of serving this year. You must communicate values, ideals, and beliefs to shape your destiny. Chat with neighbors, reach out to family, and keep the lines of communication open. Honor responsibilities and commitments. So few folks are reliable; take pride in your dependability. Now more than ever, Scorpios crave love, affection, beauty and pleasure. Impulse control might be a problem for Scorpios who haven’t learned to manage their baser instincts. Lingering unhappiness in a close relationship surfaces now. Discuss your concerns, make an effort and see what happens. Short trips provide beneficial insights.
Sagittarius
Ambition surges through Sags in February. This is a time to define and determine your values. Give thoughtfully. Surprise your loved ones with unexpected tokens of affection. These small gestures create indelible memories for the recipients. Sags reap rewards when they let go of expectation. Extra charming, your flirting boosts the confidence of those around you. Those in your circle perceive you as loving, affectionate, and aware of their needs and feelings. Because of your strong relationships, others are willing to help and cooperate with your trajectory.
Capricorn
Capricorns focus on health and creating a lifestyle which supports wellness. With this new regimen of self-care, you will take on a new glow and even the Sun will shine a little brighter. Capricorns spin self-esteem out of accomplishment. The New Moon brings old conflicts. The easiest solution is to flee the scene. Strange, cryptic, or unsettling moments are actually disguised compliments. Unexpected friendly messages arrive from unlikely sources. While you may not understand, listen. Use honesty and share. Avoid assumptions.
Went to the high priestess of skincare again today and realized I’ve been over-exfoliating. I attributed the downturn in my skin’s appearance to tremendous stress. A demanding life taxes the skin for sure, but I shoulder partial blame as a result of my over zealous exfoliation routine. 
Too frequent or vigorous exfoliation can cause inflammation and over-active oil glands. This extra oil paired with extra stress results in extra unhappy skin. 
Rodger’s discontent has been simmering all season, but this week his epic case of pussy hurt was triggered by an unfinished plate of breakfast pasta. Rachel rushed Rodger and Brad from the café to finish out Milan with the Armani, Gucci, and Pucci shows. 
Again, Rachel fixated on a totally inappropriate navy feathered Pucci gown for Demi Moore. Short in the front long in the back is so wrong. It is the fashion equivalent of a mullet.
Back in L.A., figure skater Johnny Weir dropped by to collect a few looks for the Indie Spirits. Brad tried to get his twirl on, but couldn’t quite compete, saying “I’m actually masculine next to him, and I don’t know if that really works for me.”
Rachel concluded the visit by extending the ultimate invitation (and endorsement) to Mr. Weir, saying “Next time you come to L.A., I would like to invite you to my house to come play dress up in my closet, for real.”
When the feathered Pucci gown arrived, Brad began to second guess whether it would work. Rachel called Donatella who sent some sketches over. Rachel decided to have two gowns whipped up for Demi, one in silver, one in blush.
Later on, Rachel bitched about a migraine while Joey worked her weave. While she was putting on Tom Ford’s last YSL, Rodger bitched and moaned to the uninterested help. Joey bid adieu by yelling, “You guys look so beautiful, it’s a shame both of you have bitch attitudes.” Unquestionably, this was the episode (if not season) highlight.
Rodger woke up the next morning super bitchy and snipped at Joey and Rachel over the decibel of their morning activities. A true masochist, Rodger decided to attend the fittings with Rachel. He had no actual purpose in tagging along, so he just stewed in resentment and picked at Rachel until she grew a pair and shut his Bieberish ass down by reminding him, “This is a big day for me and my clients not you, so just calm down.”
As a pouty Rodger sat in the car, Rachel dressed Cameron Diaz who barely made the red carpet.
No big surprise Sandra Bullock ended up in the Marchesa. Too bad it was one of her worst looks of the awards season. The finish down the front didn’t lie quite right making it look cheap, but at least someone had the good sense to remove that big ass bow from the shoulder. 
Demi wore the blush Versace and it fit beautifully. Overall the look wasn’t hideous, but wasn’t that major either. It was a little granny does bridesmaid. 
Cameron made more of an impact in the Oscar de la Renta dress, but as a former model, she wears clothes well. It is pretty hard to fuck up styling Diaz. 
Post-Oscars, Mr. and Mrs. Zoe sat down to discuss their priorities. Rodger complained of all the Rachel-centeredness and threw down a toothless ultimatum. Obviously, Rodger’s clock is ticking. Rachel, just give your wife a baby so his pussy can stop hurting.
This week Rachel was on the hunt for the best gowns for the 2010 Oscars. She proclaimed a white obsession and declared everyone should have a white moment on the red carpet. According to her, everyone looks good in white. The truth is most people look like shit in white. A rare woman wears white head-to-toe well, and it ain’t exactly slimming. Occasionally, white works and when it does it can be admittedly spectacular. More often than not, it evokes the inevitable and dreaded bridal comparisons and should be avoided.
First, Rachel sycophantically gushed over the brilliant Oscar de la Renta, but it was slightly less annoying than usual since he actual deserves it. As expected, Oscar served gown after delicious gown, but really only one princess gown stood out as a possible Oscar option. 
After the show, Rachel, Rodger, and Brad piled into an SUV to go ten blocks to the Michael Kors show. Despite sitting in gridlock traffic less than a mile away, it didn’t occur to the West Coasters to get out and walk to make it on time. The three self-important assholes rolled in late and rude, even though all the editors and other fashion folk seemed to make it on time under identical circumstances. On the way out, Zoe complained loudly about people sweating them for their bad manners and tardiness.
Rodger and Rachel’s sister, Pam, went to Kiki de Montparnasse to find something sexy for Rachel. The thought of emaciated, wrinkly, Rachel ensconced in lingerie is enough to conjure the heaves (Rachel Zoe presents the Refugee Collection). The lubricious salesgirl wasted no time breaking out an “intimacy kit” complete with vibrator. 
Mortified, Rodger moved on to the French Maid getup, before settling on a simple black camisole and lace thong that he could have bought anywhere. Proving he’s at least forty percent queen, Rodger closed the sale by saying, “We should get this because it is sexy, and she can definitely wear this with a Chanel jacket and be happy.”
Next, Brad (sans Rachel and thus relegated to the 5th row) at Derek Lam. Brad fixated on the modern white drapey cowl-neck high collar gown for Cameron Diaz, which was amazing (and was coincidentally included in Demeter Clarc’s selections of the best Fall 2010 gowns). Despite the gown’s dopeness, it obviously wasn’t right for Cameron or the Oscars. Brad says Taylor made him look incompetent, but so far he’s done just fine proving his lack of artistic vision. His picks are off, and that’s why you should never trust a gay man to do a woman’s job. Brad excels at dressing men, and that’s where he should turn his focus.
Rachel rushed waaaaay down market to style her QVC fashion show. The collection looked cheap, budget, and utterly home shopping. This should prove once and for all that this woman’s style and certainly her design talent, are greatly exaggerated. Admit it, the collection was not hot.
For their anniversary, Marisa gave Rodger and Rachel a DVD of their 1998 St. Barts honeymoon. Rachel was barely recognizable in the video describing herself as “a brunette with no wrinkles.” 
After, Rachel and Rodger traded gifts. Rachel bought Rodger a gift, and a gift for herself from Rodger – rose gold and diamond handcuffs. 
When Rodger busted out the Kiki de Montparnasse box, Rachel recoiled in horror repeating the mantra “not wearing it.” When Rodger pulled the relatively benign cami out of the box Rachel’s panic subsided, but she batted down his attempt to show the thong. Can we agree that a sex tape staring these two would be the least erotic thing ever?
Rachel seemed pretty disappointed with her gifts until Rodger busted out a custom Barbie doll fashioned in her image. First Dylan McKay’s Porsche, then Rachel Barbie, gentlemen take note.
That evening at Donna Karan, Rachel chirped, “Hey Beauty!” to the likes of Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, and Brooke Shields reminding us that Zoe herself is more hired-help than style star. Rodger and Rachel told anybody who would listen about their wedding anniversary, and then feigned surprised when congratulated, exclaiming how nice it was that everyone remembered.
Pam sat Rachel down and gave her a serious talking to regarding her reproductive future. Rachel blames her hectic schedule on her childless womb, but she probably just doesn’t want to get fat or quit smoking. Hermès, Chanel, Balenciaga, these are Rachel’s babies. 
Getting ready for Marc Jacobs, Rachel vacillated between hair-up or hair-down, with the majority of Team Zoe preferring the hair up so as not to compete with the ruffled shoulder. 
Considering the jacket choice, her hair did look better up, and that’s how she walked out the door. However, moments later in the car, the hair was down. How can you trust a stylist that cannot style herself?
The next morning, Brad broke the news of a ban on white gowns at the Oscars. Rachel whined, “I hate no white.” Fear not, she utilized the Lam in this Bazaar spread with Atwood.
Wrapping things up at 
So many of you will be rush, rush, rushing out to see the new Julia Roberts movie Eat, Pray, Love, opening mañana. The book evokes derisive, polarizing, debate for a variety of legitimate reasons. Regardless of personal opinion, never have so many approached me as when I read this book on vacation a few years ago. Eat, Pray, Love lives in the realm of white female privilege. If you can get past that, the kundalini discussion is pretty interesting. So yeah, in honor of Mz. Roberts, please enjoy a retrospective of her earlier guilty pleasures.
Satisfaction, a 1988 cult classic staring Justine Bateman as the lead singer of Mystery, and Liam Neeson as the curmudgeony barkeep. Julia Roberts embarrasses herself with her rhythm-less, pouty portrayal of Daryle, the slutty bass player in a nearly all-girl band. This marks the beginning of a string of roles where Julia plays the lovable, ditzy skank. The soundtrack, while hard to find, contains some memorable moments – consider tracking it down.
Also right outta ’88, let’s enjoy a slice with the gang from Mystic Pizza. Strong performances by Lili Taylor and Annabeth Gish challenged Julia to step up her acting a notch in her portrayal of Daisy Arujo. Julia captures Daisy’s yearning to abandon her towny-waitress life by using her significant wiles to leverage her ivy league boyfriend as a ticket to the good life (remember, this was the 80′s). Don’t even attempt to watch this without your favorite pizza handy.
Steel Magnolias marked a shift in the public perception of Julia Roberts. Abandoning slutty to play Shelby, Julia proved she had acting chops and gravitas. Julia’s humility allowed her to learn from those around her, and she obviously absorbed a great deal from the talented cast that surrounded her in Steel Magnolias. It is still the gold standard for conjuring laughter through tears.
1997′s My Best Friend’s Wedding still holds up as the best of those misogynistic wedding-themed movies. Julia brings true star power to this role, filing up the screen with her toothy mopish grin. She creates fizzy chemistry with Cameron Diaz and Rupert Everett, proving she can magnanimously share the laughs. My Best Friend’s Wedding marks the last film Julia made before she lodged that giant self-righteous rod up her ass. 
The changes at Camp Zoe precipitated a shopping trip to cleanse Taylor’s energy with “new looks.” Rachel settled on “glam rock,” and Brad was pressured into “lesbian DJ chic.” In reality, Zoe served bony Fraggle, and Brad gave us last year’s Eurotrash.
Once the new looks were procured, attention turned to dressing the 2010 Golden Globe attendees: Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, and possibly Paula Patton.
Brad welcomed Ashley to her first day at the Zoe asylum. His very first words of advice were a cryptic warning to watch out for Taylor when she’s out pulling styles for the Globes.
Rachel planned on an architectural Marchesa for Kate Hudson. Even though she already had it in a bold and unique berry flavor, she insisted on getting it remade in white. For Cameron, Rachel and Brad eyed a red cap-sleeved McQueen gown. Garner apparently had a dress boner for some lilac (looked grey) beaded Versace that still needed to be lined. Four attendees and no confirmed dresses sent Rachel into an unnecessary fit of anxiety. She ordered an immediate edit, dividing the great from the mediocre on the racks.
Ashley tried to add her opinion, but her input was drowned out by Rachel and Brad’s “so mayjahs!” While rolling in the racks, Paula Patton was confirmed as an attendee, and Rachel immediately delegated dressing her to the newbie Ashley. Crystal Gayle-haired Ashley stopped by Starworks to collect wardrobe options for Paula Patton. She pulled tent after shapeless tent for the pregnant Paula; none of it looking particularly Globe-worthy.
Rachel obsessed over some Versace gown that she had only peeped in a sketch. From the sketch alone, it was obvious this dress was totally inappropriate for the Globes and Cameron Diaz. Why would Cameron Diaz wear a long-sleeved grey granny gown to the Globes? The sacred dress was accidentally handed off to the wrong courier at the hotel, and Team Zoe lost their proverbial shit trying to find it. Finally Lucio, Versace’s rep, called with the news that the dress had taken a sojourn to Malibu to visit Pierce Brosnan, but had been located and was on its way. As soon as it arrived, wrinkled, grey, long-sleeved, and matte, it was abundantly clear that the dress would never work. After all the unnecessary drama, Rachel dismissed the dress and Lucio with a squint eye and flip of the hand.
During Brad’s extra homosexual pilates lesson, he had an epiphany that he should encourage Ashley to speak up and voice her opinion. When Ashley arrived the next morning, Brad explained that he brings the gay man’s perspective, but Ashley needed to vocalize the female perspective because he did not wear women’s clothes. Really Brad?
Brad broke the news to Rachel that Taylor is dressing a producer for the Golden Globes. Rachel soured at the notion and then announced she was too busy taking the high road. She told Rodger, “I hate the high road.” If this is Rachel taking the high road, what does it look like when she rolls in the gutter? 
Brad called Rachel and informed her that the dress they pulled for Cammie was from Alexander McQueen Autumn/Winter 09. Rachel declared this unacceptable, even though any stylist worth her Gucci would know what collection that McQueen came from the minute it entered the showroom. Even if it is “archive,” if it hasn’t been photographed, who gives a fuck? 
Zoe favorite Molly Sims stopped by to collect looks for the Art of Elysium and InStyle parties. Molly declared, “I’m not nominated, I’m not presenting…” No shit you aren’t nominated or presenting. Seriously, who did you blow to even get invited? Sims hung all over “Bradley,” and whirled around the studio slipping in and out of gowns. One of the most frustrating things about this show is that they never pick the best look! This was the best look.
However, this ill-fitting, blue, upholstered Ports 1961 mess was selected for Art of Elysium, and a shapeless Marchesa tent for the Globes party. We all know you are trying to get into Weinstein’s good graces, but please stop trying to make Marchesa happen. Wearing Marchesa to the Globes is like wearing Jessica McClintock to prom.
Bieber-haired Rodger tried to get reacquainted with his nutsack by watching the playoffs with the boys. In a hyper display of masculinity, Rodger scooped up his friend’s baby, cradled it gently, and insisted on taking a picture and sending it to Rachel.
Rain clouds gathered, and this sent Team Zoe into a tizzy, declaring the weather “not fair” and a “nightmare!” The idea of her clients encumbered by holding up their gowns and the money shots cluttered with umbrellas caused Rachel to dub the entire event a “fashion disaster!”
Team Zoe gathered on the couch to see the attendees work the carpet. First Cam in the red McQueen: this is a gorgeous dress, but we can agree that these are the wrong shoes. As you already know, red lips with a red dress is a no-no; a softer lip was needed to avoid looking garish. 
