Tag Archives: Candy Spelling

Tori & Dean: Hola Hattie

Tori enjoyed a charity-laced baby shower with her Mom and friends at the table.  Candy correctly predicted the sex of the baby.  She seemed genuinely happy to be part of the pregnancy this time around.  Count this as one of the very, very, very few genuine moments in a season filled with orchestrated hour-long shill fests.We are supposed to believe that an extra-pregnant Tori set up an elaborate mother-daughter tea party complete with hanging tree decorations, a well-appointed table, and pink frosted cupcakes.  The production assistants on this show must be some of the most thankless and exhausted.Stella was an adorable hostess and fully redeemed herself from any unsavory behavior in the past weeks. The PAs were extra tired setting up the tea party because they spent all night crafting this paper mache volcano for Liam to destroy in thirty seconds while playing scientist with baking soda and vinegar.  Mommy-son time was slightly less touching than the mother-daughter moment, but Liam promised, in his own way, to stop being such an asshole.  Tori and Dean reportedly paid $2.4 million for a little over 2,000 square feet on 1.75 acres of mega-valuable Malibu land.  It is rumored they sold their Encino home featured on the show for $2.5 million, a $450,000 loss from the $2.9 million they reportedly paid in oh-eight.  Think the lingering stench of goat shit had anything to do with the hit they took?Liam was not thrilled with the drastic cut in square footage and protested at the idea of sharing a room with Stella.  I don’t blame him.  He’s what, 2 to 3 years from getting into some serious self-wang touching?  Let the kid have some privacy, jeesh.  Dean wasn’t having any of Liam’s stank attitude even though Tori had second thoughts about the kids’ proposed sleeping arrangement.  Stella declared she’s born to be nice.  Liam was born to be…

Let’s just agree to shelve kids.

Tori couldn’t even take time off from career-waffling to give birth.  This week she designed her own superfug asymmetrical birthing gown with snap-away shoulder. 

This is like a horror movie.  I can’t.  Let’s just move on.

Mom and baby meet for the first time cheek to cheek.

Mehran is thrilled about the fashion possibilities a girl brings. Why are they so rough with the babies?  Chill.  It is a newborn not a salt scrub. 

The big finale involved a lot of glossing over of major events.  We saw none of the house buying-selling negotiations.  Why did Tori’s two girlfriends rep her on the sale of her home, but a different agent repped her on the Malibu purchase?  Did things get messy with the girls?  Also, we weren’t privy to much marriage drama this season, but I don’t think it was for lack of conflict.  Dean’s story arc began and ended with the kitchen.  What’s really going on here?  I smell something funny and it ain’t Dean’s frittatas.  This white-washed version of reality felt like a bunch of staged moments spliced together to create the impression of a perfect life for a perfect sales pitch.  Are we buying?  

Tori & Dean: nobody cares

Tori and Dean made it through the Ann Curry portion of their appearance on the Today Show without having to field any pregnancy questions. During the 4th hour, the couple wasn’t so lucky.  Without a hint of irony after just bragging about how honesty is the cornerstone to their reality show’s popularity, Tori denied the pregnancy to an overly inquisitive Kathy Lee.  Is she under an obligation to inform the public of the status of her baby farm?  Of course not, but is she insulting us all by appearing on live television with what looks like a 5 month pregnancy bump and denying what is obviously and apparently true?  Yes.  Wanna keep your pregnancy a secret?  Then reschedule your press junket fame whore. Tori turned to Dean for support, but he just stammered.  The consummate professional, Tori fibbed that they weren’t currently expecting, but they were working on it.  After an awkward beat or two, Kathy Lee wrapped the segment and Tori stumbled off set looking extra nauseous. After the Today Show appearance, Tori and Mehran hit up a string of meetings.  First up, the two met with a potential new manufacturer for Little Maven.  The current manufacturer filed for bankruptcy, so this meeting was a last ditch effort to save the Tori-plays-kids-designer project.  Next came the purse conference, because the world needs another purse line like the world needs another McDermott child.  While Tori did business, Dean, Patsy, and the kids did the natural history museum. During a meeting with Gallery Books, Tori presented her vision to the team and confessed she planned to dedicate the party planning book to her Mom.  The publishers got big book boners over Coco the blue-beaked chicken, indicating that the publication of Celebratori was a foregone conclusion.  A preliminary Amazon search reveals the book is due for release early April, 2012.  A trip to New York wouldn’t be complete without a frozen hot chocolate moment at Serendipity, so that’s where the whole gang followed up a sickly sweet visit to Dylan’s Candy Bar.  In public, Tori can’t help loudly discussing her poorly concealed pregnancy.  Not only did she inhale her frozen hot chocolate, she kept hunching over in an obvious attempt to overcompensate.  She’s acting like she’s Angelina Jolie or something.  Nobody really cares that much.  Plus the McDermotts are self-proclaimed baby farmers, so anticipating a third pregnancy isn’t a wild stretch.  Less than a week away from her second trimester, Tori’s obviously just stirring up unnecessary drama for this tired-ass reality show.  Girl never tires of the hustle.

Tori & Dean: Partypoop

This week on “Tori Spelling’s New Career,” Tori fancied herself a professional party planner.  Apparently, publisher Simon & Schuster’s got a rock hard boner for Tori’s party planning book.  She beckoned her homoservant James to pull together three fake photoshoot parties for the book, and assigned Dean to organize an actual Ghostbusters-themed 4th birthday for Liam.The subplot this week centered on hiding Tori’s first trimester pregnancy from the outer circle.  Intel on Spelling’s womb is apparently so sought after she cannot murmur a word to anyone for fear that her secret would be splashed across the pages of US Weekly without a payday.  While she claimed to want to keep the news on lock, her persistence in wearing unnecessarily indicating maternity garb made it seem as though she was both encouraging and enjoying the speculation.The true Tori emerged on set during the photoshoot for her party planning book “Celebratori” (vomit).  Someone staged a shot that Tori didn’t care for, and she turned on her best Beverly Hills bitchery to remind the photographer that Mz. Spelling prefers to serve her sparkling water in a pitcher, not a milk jug.The staged spa party was as clichéd and tired as you can imagine.  The idea was an inexpensive DIY spa night, but between the flowers, booze, beauty products, and baked goods, it would be cheaper to go to the spa.The second fake party was themed “game night.”  Yeah, I know, she’s a ground-breaking party-planning genius.  Why hasn’t someone given this girl a book deal?

While shooting the ultra-pivotal dessert table, both the sweets and Tori began to melt in the southern California sun.  She and James bickered over details and mistakes.  The argument escalated to a full on cake debate and concluded with James storming off in a puff huff.The next day James and Tori kicked around sand and made easy amends in the desert.  They exchanged apologies over losing their patience the day prior.  Then they set to work on staging a fun but unrealistic “old west party” which culminated in a marshmallow roast.While Tori shot the book, Dean planned Liam’s Ghostbusters party.  Of all the parties, Dean’s party for Liam was actually the most creative.  He handmade Proton Packs that shot Silly String, and he constructed and painted a haunted house for the kids to enjoy.  Where’s Dean’s party planning book?After fussing to the photographer over whether she looked preggers in the photos, Tori divulged to her mother the news of their expanding family.  Candy looked surprised, but painted on her best happy face.  Tori looked satisfied by her response and the two shared a rarely seen tender mother-daughter moment.Tori wrapped the book shoot with a 70’s Caftan Party complete with fondue.  They shot in a house that looked a lot like Aniston’s recently sold overpriced shag pad.  Post-shoot, Tori gathered the gang for a toast and shared the news about the latest McDermott.  The next morning the parents informed Liam and Stella that soon a new sibling would join them as two of Hollywood’s most exploited children.  Mazels all around.

Tori and Dean: Curried Donna Martin

The goat finally arrived, and I’m guessing Mr. Goat Breeder here failed to disclose just how mean and unruly Donna Martin will become when she hits her teen years.  I hope the cameras are rolling when Donna Martin chews through her first pair of Louboutins.

Liam channeled Sean Penn and assaulted a paparazzo.

Tori took “stylist” Marcel with her for her (free product placement) wedding dress shopping.  Wedding dresses are so fug; it’s a rare woman that can successfully rock a white dress.  Tori looks like shit all the time because she relies on the opinion of her gays instead of one honest woman.  Gay men have their place in the styling lexicon, but become overly reliant on their advice and your style will suffer.  A man, no matter how gay, is not a woman, and there are some things a man can never truly understand.  Keep a really honest female friend around for wedding dress shopping.

Tori and Dean flipped through photos of their original Fiji nuptials looking for inspiration for their requisite reality show vow renewal.  My vow renewal fatigue has developed into full blown exhaustion.

Patsy arrived and threatened to curry Donna Martin.

Patsy’s the only grounded influence these kids know.  It’s a shame she’s not around more often to discipline Liam’s rotten little ass.

Tori decided to spray paint old motorcycles yellow and use them as decorations at the ceremony.  She labors under the delusion she’s a master party planner, but her artsy crafty approach is more seventh grade than Seventh Avenue.

Tori relied on Marcel to procure three looks for the renewal: one for arrival, one for the ceremony, and one for the after party.  Three looks is excessive, especially when one was fug, one was mediocre, and one was not event-appropriate. Tori got her make-up did.  Note to brides, red lipstick does not usually photograph well unless it’s editorial.  Even though you may have fantasies about the perfect red lip, avoid dark lipstick on your wedding day or risk looking like Ronald McDonald in your pictures. 

Randy and Candy showed up and posed with Tori’s fug dress.

Tori’s minge came perilously close to acting as her maid of honor.

Dean and Tori emoted their vows in the vain hope a casting agent might see and offer them another Lifetime movie. Just as the ceremony began to really suffer under the weight of its own blandness, Liam dropped trou adding a little levity.

Dean sealed a kiss on his retirement portfolio as the totally disinterested audience shifted their weight from foot to foot looking for the bar.The Guncles pulled Tori and Dean aside and dropped news of a possible impending adoption.  Do I smell a spin-off?  These two do seem like they would make good parents (a fuckload better than Bori and Mean).  Mazel gentlemen.At the reception, Tori broke out her post-ceremony caftan, and Dean tried not to step on it as they danced for the cameras miming what happy couples look like.The next day, Tori revealed the new living room and the family gathered to watch a movie.  Stella aptly concluded this stank boring-ass season by busting a fart while the credits rolled.

Tori & Dean: Liam’s Third Birfday

Tori and Dean started the episode bickering over the scale of Liam’s 3rd birthday party.  Tori planned a thirty-five kid “homegrown” back yard party and rationalized the overblown affair by arguing she’d actually be saving money.  In addition to the requisite bouncy castle, there were discussions of elephants, cows, and chickens.  Tori and Liam settled on a theme: super hero.

Tori interrupted complaining to Patsy about Dean to ask Liam to get away from the dog bowls.  Liam, tells her no and persisted in admiring his reflection in the dog dish while luring Stella into his toddler rebellion.Like most of the straight men in Tori’s life, Liam totally disrespected her and continued to blatantly disobey her despite her repeated admonitions.  Grow a pair with your son too Tori.

Dean put on his spectacles to studiously prepare for his single camera comedy dream role audition while Liam pitched a dick fit at the imaginary grocery store.

Dean’s solution was to take both carts away and yell at his kids.  What the fuck did Stella do?  Let Stella have both carts and tell Liam to fuck off.

Always on the hustle, Tori auditioned for a voice over for a mattress commercial.  Pas chic Tori, pas chic.Tori indirectly called Dean fat and lectured him on the importance of keeping in shape for his craft.  The conversation ended with her ordering him out for a jog.Cut to speakerphone and a camera crew on Candy SpellingLiam invites Candy Gram to his party for Superman cake before requesting a conference with her dog Madison.

Dean took Patsy for a ride.  As a result of this episode, she’s going to get a lot of Dykes on Bikes fan mail.  Post-ride, Dean attacked Tori over the hummus carrot planters she prepared for Liam’s class.  The carrot to hummus ratio was seriously off.Dean accused Tori of showing off with her intricate sweets and trying too hard to appear “normal.” That struck a nerve, and she definitely didn’t want that insecurity offered up to camera. She returned the barb with some stank eye before retreating to PatsyDean returned later to apologize and blamed his dickery on resentment over Tori not wanting to ride his stupid fucking motorcycle.  Get over it douche, what a pussy-hurt little bitch, jeesh.

Liam served up a side order of tantrum with dinner while everyone once again pretended his stalemate with mac-n-cheese was cute.Tori complained about the paparazzi and said they made her protective of her children.  If she’s so fucking protective, why does she exploit them for her reality show?

Liam can’t resist the opportunity to pillage the village.

With all her self-proclaimed party planning prowess, it still didn’t occur to Tori that a three year old would bring an accompanying adult.  Thirty-five children + thirty-five adults + ten hangers-on = a fuckload of people.  Dean’s right, Tori’s party planning for a three year old is out of control.  At that age, three to five kids is plenty.  After all, do you remember your third birthday?

Surprise, surprise, Dean didn’t get the part.  Hand me a hanky.

Dean pulled himself together for a visit to the baby animal depot.  After selecting some weird looking fancy-ass chickens, Tori put a deposit down on a baby goat.  This unrealistic idealization of farm life will literally butt them in the ass when that goat gets a little bigger, Trust.  How long before the Hollywood hills coyotes munch those poor defenseless chickens?

Dean felt sorry for himself as Tori tried to give him a pillow pep talk.  After an awkward stab at pity sex, the two tried to get some rest before Liam’s big 0-3.

Super Douche!

Candy brought an afternoon delight.  Tori took her straight over to the food table where Candy critically surveyed the scene before the whole party was forced to endure another Jumpits performance. The Jumpits lick balls.  Get Jenni Pulos from Flipping Out to do a number next time.  She killed at Chloe’s birthday.

Liam rounded out his third birfday by finger fucking the cake.

Tori & Dean: Hands, Man.

This week, on the world’s most boring wedding planning show, Tori buried her resentment in floral arrangements and cake tasting as Brandy’s event preparation hit a fever pitch.

Brandy wanted orchids while Tori and James had other ideas.

Tori broke about every commandment of wedding planning.  She envisioned an outdoor ceremony, but didn’t consider an indoor back-up plan.

Not sure why the thought didn’t occur to them while they were mapping out the indoor space, but whatever.

With his racing career temporarily on hold, Dean tried to coax Liam into forming a band.

Liam suggested calling the band Hands.  Hands, man.

Tori channeled all her marital resentment into a pretty unremarkable flower arrangement sampling to present to Brandy.

What would Jeff Leatham say about this?

Brandy thankfully chose something tasteful and simple.

Dean delivered the results of his MRI to Tori who’s response could be characterized as mildly sympathetic at best.

Tori denied that she was pissed off, but she seethed underneath mentally tallying all the additional work his wounded paw would create for her.

Dean made some excuses and in the end Tori walked out and called him stupid. That’s my girl.

Later on, Glenn the Baker brought over some wedding cake samples.  Dean took the opportunity to bash Tori’s “famous” red velvet cake.  By the way brides, fondant’s nasty.

The little asshole finger-fucked the cake.

Finally!  Too many fucking white people in this show.

Cut that bitch Pasty, cut him.

How much of this shit is Brandy getting for free?  Neil Lane bands? Cosmetic dentistry?  Wedding gowns?  Bridesmaid dresses?  Flowers?  The locale?  I saw product placements for every single one of these items.  Guess that’s one way to subsidize your wedding.

Mehran, butt the fuck out.  Jesus Christ.

He’s the Persian, gay, male Jill Zarin.

Would you honestly trust this fucker with your wedding rings?

Tori nearly shits her pants over the florist’s failure to bring orchids.  Tori broke another wedding planning commandment by failing to put that shit in writing.  Skills for life people, draft a written detailed agreement signed by both parties.  It’s called a contract.  Look into it.

Stella and I both feel the same way about weddings.

Werk.Do we like the parental sandwich?

Tori served a little Donna Martin.

smooch.

Faking it at the afterparty.

Raise the roof.

James mimics Tori’s boob job.

Tori and Dean wrapped things up in the pedicure chair waxing poetic about the future of their relationship.  You may have heard they renewed their vows last weekend and Candy Spelling was in attendance.  Tori thinks the solution to all of life’s problems is to throw a party, but all that silicone has gone to her head if she thinks a vow renewal will save her sham marriage.