Tag Archives: cars


MONEY BEDIn the last few weeks, I know six different people who experienced shitty luck with their cars.  Four of those incidents were parked hit and runs.  In three of the four situations, the cowardly assailant didn’t leave a note.  Another girl backed into a pole.  Another lost her keys.  I learned from observing the way these folks weathered their losses.  In the first draft of this post, I was tempted to write that “unexpectedly” shitty things happen in life, but if I’m honest, I do expect shitty things to happen and that’s why I’m often better prepared for them than most people.  I’m not smug; I’m just unrelentingly pessimistic.SUZE ORMAN DENIEDI’m not trying to get all Suze Orman on your ass, but do you have sufficient savings to cushion a crisis should one arise?  A couple of the aforementioned victims make good salaries, but when life turded in their path they panicked and had to borrow money.  I’m willing to loan people money in a pinch.  Though I confess I throw a little side-eye when people who make shit-ton of cash don’t have any sort of emergency stash to weather life’s downturns. PIGGY BANK PONDERSPeople measure security in different ways, but a year’s worth of living expenses in an emergency fund is a reasonable start.  (Calculating in your head?  Double the number. We underestimate spending.)  Should life deal you illness, job loss, or a tornado, a shittymoments fund ensures tragedy isn’t compounded by financial stress.  Once you get your fund established and are enjoying a stress-free stretch of life, some of you will be tempted to blow your safety cash on an extravagant purchase.  DON’T.  Giuseppe Zanottis aren’t that chic when you are living out of your car.CAR HOUSE

4 for Friday: shred. smelly. zarinostalgia. porch

SHREDDINGSDespite the fact I possess a doctorate degree, why is it physically impossible for me to empty a shredder without getting shreddings EVERYWHERE?  Every single time.  NO FARTHave you ever farted in your car, exited the car, and come back several hours later to find the fart is still waiting for you?RHNY S1I’m living for old reruns of the RHNY right now.  Those early days were truly the glory years of the franchise – when the most calculated move was renting a yellow Ferrari for summer in the Hamptons. JILL ZARINSometimes when my trash smells rank but the bag isn’t full, I put it on the porch and freeze it overnight.  When I bring it back in, it doesn’t smell anymore. FREEZER FRESH



KEYS IGNITIONI ran into my friend and mentioned I hadn’t seen her in awhile.  She told me her car was stolen which curtailed her recent mobility.  After providing the obligatory and sincere “that sucks!”,  I started fishing for details.  Newish cars aren’t that easy to steal.  With a little tender probing, she confessed she left her unlocked car running with the keys in the ignition in front of her house.  Let’s put some air quotes around “stolen” girl.  IGNITITION


woo. snow day

SNOW DAY GOLD PUMPSSome women like to receive flowers.  Some ladies enjoy a gift of lingerie.  When it comes to small gestures of woo, I get swoony when you clean the snow off my car.  I hate chiseling the ice off my Gertie, especially when I spent all that time getting cute for the day.  I’m grateful for gifts, but it’s the simple daily devotions of kindness that keep me interested.  Seriously, snow removal is so sexy.     SNOW REMOVAL

Would You Rather?

Would you rather have your car washed and gassed every week or receive a pair of diamond earrings?Me = care for the car bitch. Would you rather couple with someone of means with no sex drive or a poor person who is always pawing at you?Me = desire over dinero. Would you rather take an exotic trip with four people you barely know or stay home alone?Me = I’d rather be domestically bored than internationally annoyed. Would you rather have 1 oz of premium chocolate or a whole bag of Hershey’s?Me = It’s chocolate so I’ll take either in a pinch, but quality over quantity. Would you rather have a $100,000 home that is paid for or a $1,000,000 home with a mortgage? Me = free and clear. 


Is ethanol killing your average MPG?

My in-house automotive expert has been traveling some distance to fill up the cars with ethanol-free gas.  Initially, I found the cross-town quest absurd.  Then I checked my MPG.  How does a full 4 miles more per gallon sound?  That has been my experience since I switched to ethanol-free gas. 

To find a gas station that sells ethanol-free gas check out pure-gas.org.  The site provides state by state listings for your convenience.  

By the way, I’m enjoying my new ride Gertie.  She’s an Infiniti Ex35 and cute as a button.  One thing I learned in recently purchasing a new car: research the national market.  Local prices were super inflated, so I shipped one in from out of state.  It was surprisingly reasonable to ship a car.  This strategy allowed me to leverage several dealers against one another and negotiate a killer deal. 



3 ways to lose a sale

As many of you know, I’ve been car shopping.   After test driving several models, I’ve it narrowed down and know which one I want.  More on that later, right now I want to discuss how quickly and easily a salesperson can blow a deal.Don’t open the conversation by saying, “Do you know how much these things cost?” 

Make us feel welcome.  I’m no fan of small talk, but sitting silently in the backseat offering up nothing to the conversation is no way to make an impression.  Like you have nothing to say about the car?  At least bullshit about the weather.  jeesh.  Don’t assume that the dude is making the decision.  Because he’s not.  Furthermore, learn how to sell cars to women.  We don’t want to fuck with the tiptronic shit on the test drive.  Focus on safety, responsiveness, efficiency, and style, not gadgets and gears. Letcha know all the dirty details when I close a deal.  Special thanks to Annie and the super auto-wise Leah Love for the insightful advice.  xoxo, DC


Yesterday I was in a three car pile up on a major freeway because some ignorant uninsured bitch can’t merge.  No one was hurt, but the truck I’ve loyally driven for the last ten years is probably totaled.  When thinking about replacing my ride, I’m totally uninspired by the current options.  Even though I bought my last car new, this time around I’m going used because I just can’t stomach the depreciation.  There are a few different categories under consideration: prestige, environmental, or classic.  What to choose?


BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, Range Rover, since pre-owned is an option, why not splurge for a chic ride?  These cars tend to be safe and reliable, but when they do breakdown, repairs can be pricey.  Good thing I have a special relationship with an impeccable mechanic.  Another drawback?  Driving these cars can be the equivalent of carrying a logo bag – a little gauche and showy.


I promised myself that the next time I purchased a car, environmental impact would be a major factor in the decision.  I can’t with the Prius.  I just can’t.  There is a Lexus Hybrid that looks interesting, so maybe I can combine prestige + fuel efficiency into one purchase.  There are some obvious advantages to this route.  Low inventory is the main challenge with a general lack of available, desirable vehicles in the pre-owned market.  Even the used ones are pricey, but at least they retain value.  The fuel savings are also no fucking joke and offset some of the initial sticker shock.  I’d love an electric, but they are even more rare.


Every time I see a cherried out classic car, I think to myself how fucking sweet and styley it would be to roll in one.  Nothing grabs more attention than a mint condition vintage ride.  Sexy cars generate aesthetic goodwill, and after the dust up I just had, I need some good automotive karma.  The disadvantage to oldies is they require constant tinkering and maintenance.  My ass doesn’t like to get stranded on the side of the road like a truckstop hooker, so reliability does matter.  The eternal question: style over substance?  Another downside?  Unlike prestige + fuel efficient, classic + fuel efficient is a mutually exclusive combination, and therefore going with a restored Bronco is like giving mother Earth the middle finger.

Thoughts?  Do you love your car?  Tell me everything.

Brake Check

After traipsing back and forth across this fine country, can we vent on the shit driving epidemic?  The three worst offenses…

get over

Common courtesy (and in most jurisdictions the law) dictates that if your ass ain’t passing, your ass should be in the right lane.  Douche cruising in the left lane at 5 miles over the speed limit causing everyone to pass you on the right, I’m talking to you.  Get the fuck over.

leave more room

Tailgating should be left to potbellied football fans at Bears games.  In many circumstances, if you rear-end someone you are presumed at fault for the collision.  So maybe get the fuck off my trunk.  Get too close and get brake checked bitch.


Between the gas and brake lies beautiful coast land.  Don’t miss out on this magical place where inertia allows for gentle deceleration.  Finesse marks a skilled driver.  Leave the jerky stop-starts to the nervous nellies.