Tag Archives: Chanel

Met Gala 2014: Inexplicably Offensive

Lupita Nyong'o PRADA MET BALL 2014In a fug-flapper Prada, Lupita stretched the limits of her “World’s Most Beautiful Woman” title.ANNA WINTOUR CHANEL MET BALL 2014Anna Wintour has her pick of any dress, and yet she chose this chunk-adding Chanel.  This is why I don’t trust her.  Furthermore, I consistently despise her shoes. IVANKA TRUMP MET BALL 2014

Oscar de la Renta costumed Ivanka Trump as a mossy pond.

KAROLINA KURKOVA MET BALL 2014 MARCHESAIn a gown that doubles as weaponry, Karolina Kurkova’s poised to prick a bitch in her thorny Marchesa.  LENA DUNHAM MET BALL 2014

Lena Dunham is so fucking talented….just not at getting dressed.SHAILENE WOODLEY MET BALL 2014

Rodarte did Shailene Woodley dirty with this abomination unless the earthy actress insisted on a gown made from recycled fabric scraps.

Maggie Gyllenhaal MET BALL 2014Even in Valentino, Maggie Gyllenhaal’s personal style is to the eye what pickle juice is to the palate.  RITA ORA DONNA KAREN ATELIER MET BALL 2014

Lara Flynn Boyle ballerina barf redux courtesy of Rita Ora.

NAOMI WATTS MET BALL 2014Naomi Watt’s sinister swan metamorphosis!  I can see your gams through your Givenchy, girl. NICOLE RICHIE DONNA KARAN MET BALL 2014

Bitch, you stole Kelly Osbourne’s look!

Met Gala 2014: Black & White Basic Bitches

ANNA KENDRICK J MENDEL J. Mendel deposited a stiff Anna Kendrick into a fussy architectural number in which she appeared both lovely and seriously uncomfortable. RIHANNA MET BALL STELLA MCCARTNEYRihanna’s gorgeous face and defined abs almost distract me from this wrinkled two-piece Stella McCartney gimmick gown.  Do we really need a choker, exaggerated shoulders, tattoo, midriff, draping, and ruching all in one look?  CARA DELEVIGNE MET BALL 2014We get it Cara Delevigne, you’re a dyke and you wanna wear pants.  Lesbihonest, with access to every major designer on the planet, there is no excuse for anything less than an impeccable fit.  HAILEE STEINFELD PRABAL GURUNG Hailee Steinfeld almost gets it right with this graphic Prabal Gurung, but I can’t with the shoes and lipstick.  The overall look is just a skosh too pretty-perfect-matchy-finished.  Continuing sidenote: Do any of these wrinkly-ass bitches own a steamer? Goddamn. SJP OSCAR DE LA RENTA MET BALL 2014In a pairing as classic as black and white, SJP donned Oscar de la Renta.  Is “classic” just a euphemism for old-fashioned?NAOMI CAMPBELL MET 2014Here’s Naomi’s foot trying to escape from under that forgotten frock from Mrs. Roper’s Bridal CollectionCampbell’s feathery personal assault restraints sold separately.MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN MET BALL 2014The sisters Prune cloaked in mourning; MK in Ferre and Ashley in death by Chanel.  KATE UPTON DOLCE & GABBANA MET BALLKate Upton served up two tittypints of Dolce & Gabbana saloon slut.  Then Gisele arrived in Balenciaga to demonstrate how a supermodel does it, hunny. GISELE BALENCIAGA MET 2014

September 2013 Horoscopes



Happy Birthday Virgo!  All frothy over a new project, the workhorse in you can’t wait to gallop ahead.  Rein in your enthusiastic stallion Virgo, there are a few pesky details you can’t just swat away.  Without proper planning, organization, and forethought, your big idea could get majorly deflated by embarrassing messiness.  Confusion plagues relationships this month, so now isn’t the time to commit.  Mistakes and miscommunication muddy an already tense situation.  A planetary shift around the 20th should bring clarity on a big decision, relationship, or domestic matter.  Usually so thrifty, this autumn invest in a few well-made pieces that make you feel so unbelievably amazing and lux that it justifies the pricetag.



Now is the time for intuitive daydreaming, preparation, and planning.  Think broadly and freely about what you want and where you want to go.  Others may try to inject their opinions into what is best, but sweep all that chatter up into a dustpan and pitch it.  Let the guidance come from within.  Professionally, now is the time to listen – to advice and even gossip.  It will come in handy when those rumors of professional opportunity and advancement crystallize into reality.  Inject colorful accessories into your stable of reliable wardrobe classics to reinvent yourself without spending a fortune.



September finally frees Scorpios from an annoying retrograde that’s been creating lag since April.  Get out and make new friends, contacts, and professional connections.  With Mars at your back you’ll have all the energetic momentum to make things happen.  September is a wonderful time to fall in love.  Enjoy a courtship.  Attached Scorpios arrange the groundwork for a lasting lifelong commitment this September.  Insecure Scorpios fetter their obvious sex appeal for the comfort of others.  Insecurity isn’t hot for fall.  You heard it here first.  Bust out the wine-red lip and let the cards fall where they may.  Own the undeniable power of your own beauty and sexuality.



You’ve been dodging some sinister relationship undercurrents that have been eating away at the foundation of your relationship one drip at a time like a leaky pipe.  Well this September, the proverbial floor is about to fall out, and you will be ill-prepared to receive the bitchslap of bad news coming your way vis-a-vis your frustrated partner.  If it’s over, it’s over.   Optimistically speaking, a fun little rendezvous weekend getaway midmonth could be really cute.  Working Sags see a career flutter the first week of the month.  More money and a better title are not off the table.  Sags tend to choose the same silhouette and then attempt to trick the eye by introducing variations in color and pattern.  It isn’t a bad fashion strategy overall, but you can do better.  Consider whether your own rather fixed misconceptions about your body cause you to pick the same outfit over and over.


CAP TREACYSeptember evokes back-to-school nostalgia that gets Caps thirsty for knowledge and learning.  It may mean a trip geared towards exploration and discovery or it may take any number of shapes.  The aim is to broaden, widen, and deepen your understanding of yourself and others.  Financial demands continue through the end of September and into next month, so relax the extracurricular spending.  Two words to describe your closet: 1) utilitarian and 2) pragmatic.  There’s something to be said for military chic, but does everything have to have a cargo pocket?  Buy a raspberry beret or something similarly flashy you would never wear and then wear the fuck out of it.



The first third of the month is a fantastic time for a getaway where there is a legitimate possibility for romance.  That financial divot you’ve been experiencing finally turns around and a number of buoying opportunities come your way which serves as a huge relief.  If Aquarius is in need of financing, September is the time.  Aquarius experiences energetic inertia this month.  If you don’t get the outcome you want, listen to the advice and guidance of others, and withhold judgment.  Your ability to see the big picture means you usually get it right when it comes to proportion and head-to-toe first impression.  Collect a few whimsical accessories to make the impression a lasting one.



Love. Love. Love Pisces.  September is the month for romance, swooning, and uniting together in a common coalition. Whether single or attached, the planets are prepared to bestow you with blessings if you are ready to receive.  Look to the 7th and the 26th as optimal date days.  Come the 19th it’s all about Pisces as the stars align to shine all over you.  The professional pace will pick up as the month rolls on.  Your creative ideas are appreciated, but you must manage the day-to-day details with the same interest.  Turn that creativity towards solving problems, no matter how mundane.  Rolling with a new upgraded look has you feeling ultra-confident.  When you dress better, you feel better, and this new-found swagger only adds to your allure.


The first week of September ushers in a new professional project that levies demands on you all month long.  Productivity won’t be a problem and a gush of energy comes into to carry you along.  That fire you are known for stokes all kinds of interesting interactions with people throughout the month.  Keep an easy-going attitude that leaves you open to last minute opportunities.  Aries’ inherent elegance means you usually look really well put-together, and your willingness to take risks means you turn heads.  Occasionally, your enthusiasm crosses over into costume, so know when to throttle back the flair.



Summer has never really been your favorite time of year.  Bulls prefer the order and crispness of fall.  A number of social invitations come your way and you have trouble saying no, and why should you?  The interludes you enjoy this month will be some of the most delicious ever.  Even though it all feels so sweet, Taurus learns quickly that some responsibilities can’t be shirked.  Best to stay ahead of assignments and obligations, which shouldn’t too difficult for you since you aren’t particularly prone to procrastination.  Stay off those final sale liquidation websites.  Not only are you potentially stuck with clothes that don’t fit, you aren’t getting the bargain you think you are.  Quality over quantity.


Gemini deserves a week off if that is what you need to really close out the summer with a bang.  All summer long, the house has been a mess.  Time to make it more cozy and inviting as you return back inside.  Find practical solutions that last, rather than short-term patches that only serve to temporarily fix the problem.  The first full week of the month is the most favorable for romance, even if you can’t get away for a full week try to enjoy this weekend work-free.  Direct some of that energy into fun and love.  Geminis tend to morph into whomever they are around.  Look to your right.  Look to your left.  Are you the shit filling in a shit sandwich?



Financially things could be tight this month due to obligation and extracurricular spending that meets up in a way that drains your resources.  Sooner or later you’ll need to take control of your finances and the sooner the better.  Schedule a date on September 26th when your love light shines brightest.  It may sound crazy to tell you to get away if you can on a little trip this September, but be forewarned that serious domestic demands will prohibit much travel over the next several months.  When you shop, you do so in sprees.  You can just buy one and that can be enough.



September surges energy into your career sector Leo.  Thankfully, all that summer toil counts for something because others have noticed your commitment and you have impressed the right people.  Now you are in the power position to ask for what you want with regard to salary.  This should significantly lessen your fiscal worries.  Keep a casual attitude in meeting people this month, but always keep one eye on the prize.  You never know who you might encounter.  Leo is never one to shy away from flashy wardrobe moments, just remember flashy is just two little consonants away from trashy ya’ll.

Resort 2014 ~ Chanel











MET GALA 2013: punc as phuc

Most people won’t get it, but Anja Rubik (in Anthony Vacarello) managed what many could not at the 2013 Met Gala.  The model executed on the punk theme without falling into some of the most common sartorial traps of the evening (don’t worry, we’ll get there).  The shape, color, and fabric reference punk while remaining high fashion.  If this puresex look isn’t totally fuckable, you tell me what is?  Let’s just get this GOOP out of the way right now before this candy-coated bitch drives me to distraction.  I thought Paltrow swore off pink gowns after that cloying Ralph Lauren she donned for her Oscar win.  Is she fucking with us?  I loathe this Valentino Couture gown on so many levels I can only assume she chose it as her hate campaign uniform.  Nude illusion, really girl?  Pink shiny too short long sleeves?  What?  A puddle of bridesmaid satin pink?  Incomprehensible.  How is she going to sell those expensive gym memberships when the skinny bitch actually looks chubby (gasp!)?Who the fuck did Kanye blow to get Kim in this year?  So this florabomination is courtesy of Riccardo Tisci.  I’m not sure we can blame him.  All I can focus on is her Miss Piggy foot.  Poor pregnant Kim is puffed up painfully and spilling over the edge of that shoe.  The gloves are totally freaking me out.  Hand camo.  Cameron Diaz served up a spiky-waisted Stella McCartney in a bold blue cape style.  I dislike how this frock is both droopy and restrictive. After all that Hathaway drama at the Oscars, Amanda drew upon all her Givenchy spokesbitch connections to score this archive gown.  I think it is fucking genius. Suck it Anne! In Valentino, Anne Hathaway’s boobs channeled Madonna’s titties from the Express Yourself video, right?  Do we like Annie as a blonde?  I don’t hate it, but the brassy color is undoubtedly aging. Christina Ricci knocked on the door of the right fashion house – Vivienne Westwood – for a post-punk glam moment, but it looks like she got tangled up in the tartan.  I do love the orange lip and fishnets.   Ashley Olsen robbed a Palm Beach Socialite of her vintage Christian Dior Couture for her sherbet sparkling Met moment.  In keeping with her body dismorphic trademark style, Mary-Kate wore Chanel and Balmain that was five sizes too big for her. I get the impression Allison Williams takes herself way too seriously.  She smacks of try.  The heinous piecemeal gown is Altuzarra.Anna Wintour stuck with sequined floral Chanel, and Bee wore Dior.  Can’t say I’m particularly wowed by the wicked stepsisters.Does anyone wear clothes better and with more enthusiasm than SJP?  Love her Giles Deacon gown and Phillip Treacy headpiece. Topshop dressed Nicole Richie.  The overall styling isn’t that flattering, but I’m still oddly attracted to her white hair.  Punk Glam Granny?Opa!  Here comes the flaming cheese – Beyoncé in Givenchy.Uma Thurman looked absolutely snatched in this leafy Zac Posen.  What did she do to her face?Stella McCartney must be best friends with Liberty Ross because this outfit is obviously a revenge burn on Kristen Stewart.  Is she smuggling honey-baked ham in there?I’ve been loving me some Rita Ora lately.  She not only successfully fucked-over that whiny Rob Kardashian, she looks super fresh in this white Thakoon.Emma Watson worked her sexy, but she remained eternally adorable and demure in this Prabal Gurung.  She’s our modern day Audrey.  Miley really went for it in Marc Jacobs and it worked.  Hate to admit she’s been serving something savory lately.  Applause. Compare Miley to her contemporary Taylor Swift who looks about 53 in this old lady J. Mendel number.Speaking of 53, Madonna came in her Givenchy costume.  For a woman who hates her thighs, she sure is accentuating them in this fussy get-up.  You could bounce a quarter off that face (and ass!). Dakota Fanning looked super cute in her Rodarte.  Even though this look was understated compared to most, the simple and sweet styling stood out from the crowd. Here is Lena Dunham in Erdem with Erdem.  The makeup is the best ever for her. Jessica Alba belongs on a Maxim list and nowhere else.  Seriously, who wears Tory Burch to a punk themed gala?  Sheesh.  Why don’t you just wear Lilly Pulitizer bitch?  Carey Mulligan is everything in Balenciaga.  Die for the safety pin.  It isn’t showy, but it doesn’t need to be.  Fucking chic.Lopez put a little leopard on it in Michael Kors.  The girl gives good face, and I love the unusual hair Jen!  Bonus points for not letting the cabana boy ruin the shot. May we all be this ravishing at her age.  Diane von Furstenberg rolled in as a disco-dipped Mrs. Roper.  

Calm down Gisele.  (From what I hear Cara brought the eight-ball).

SAGS 2013: If you care what they wear

Jane Krakowski wore KauffmanFranco – best color, unforgivable tailoring.

Zac Posen really only makes variations of one basic gown, but it is a damn fine gown – as seen here on dingbat Amanda Seyfried.

Boldest couple debut: Vincent Kartheiser and Alexis Bledel.  Our little Rory Gilmore loves her co-stars doesn’t she?

Anne Hathaway demonstrates the most ill-advised use of a Giambattista Valli dress.

The Jenny Packham girls, the better version above on Jenna Fischer and the lesser below on Kelly Osbourne.

The head to toe hell no – Sofia Vergara in Donna Karan.

Claire had nowhere to go but down after her last showing, but the aging makeup and side boob vadge action aren’t working in this Givenchy. Giuliana is showing positive progress on probation after her last fashion felony in this far less offensive Max Azria.

Elisabeth Moss gives some gams in Dolce & Gabbana.

Can you feel the tension in this high-fashion face off between January Jones in Prabal Gurung and Jessica Paré in Jason Wu?  The straps on the Jason Wu look a bit like suspenders.  I appreciate that January Jones doesn’t dress for the men, but could she pick something flattering just once?

Most timelessly spectacular putting all these young bitches to shame – Mizz Jessica Lange.

Jessica Chastain contends for best dressed in Alexander McQueen, but the lipstick is wrong and she needs to whiten her teeth.

Gorgeous and talented Jennifer Lawrence has no fucking clue how to dress herself.  Christian Dior can throw couture at her the whole award season through, and she’ll waste every opportunity with the wrong hair, jewelry, and makeup.

Julianne Moore should only let Tom Ford dress her because this Chanel is a fucking floral flat-tittied disaster.

What do we think of these two?  Jennifer Westfeldt looks better than usual if a tad boobish in Blumarine.

Let’s start with the hair – an obvious hot mess, move down to the 3D bustage on this strange Vivienne Westwood, glance at those lame duck shoes and declare Nicole Kidman an epic dud.

Me likey Nina Dobrev in this Elie Saab, even if it is quite derivative of Emma Stone in Calvin Klein from a season or two ago.

Look at our little Kiernan Shipka all grown up in this Oscar de la Renta.

Golden Globes 2013:…and the Award Goes to…

Salma Hayek in Gucci for the Best Bluish Black.  She has a certain carefree sparkle only a billion dollars can buy.  Nicole Richie in Naeem Khan for best Palm Beach Housewife.  Is this bitch 74?  G-jus. Amanda Seyfried in Givenchy for most Unseasonably Springy.  I should hate this doily shit, but I don’t. Claire Danes in red Versace for best Post Baby Body Bounce-Back.  Doesn’t she look 10 years younger with those 15 extra pounds?Connie Britton wins Most Consistent in KaufmanFranco.Jessica Alba for most Irrelevantly Gorgeous.  Penalty for skinning a defenseless Muppet for that embarrassing bag. Amy Adams in Marchesa wins the prize for Most Likely to be Accidentally Confused with Taylor Swift.Halle Berry for Misdemeanor Midriff Exposure in VersaceSally Field for worst Granny Globes, gown by Alberta Ferretti.Kerry Washington for Most Overrated in Miu Miu.Anne Hathaway for Most Boring Chanel.Zosia Mamet for Best of the Girls.Lena Dunham for snatching Helen Mirren’s Zac Posen gown.Allison Williams for Most Forgettable Girl.Jessica Chastain in Calvin Klein Slightly Wrong from Head to Toe.Jennifer Lawrence for failure to learn from Jessica Biel’s Weird Dior-titty Mistake. Lucy Liu for Most Incongruent in Carolina Herrera.  What is this floral fuckmess?Hayden Panettiere wins Most Repetitious in Roberto Cavalli.  Jennifer Lopez for Most in Need of a Divorce from Zuhair Murad.Zooey Deschanel in Oscar de la Renta for Most Misguided Personal Style.…Naomi Watts for Best Zac Posen.…Nicole Kidman for Most Improved Hair.  This is a chicer length for her. …Rachel Weisz in Louis Vuitton for the Worst 3-Way Split.Giuliana Rancic in Celia Kritharioti for Most Felonious Showing by an Officer of the Fashion Police.

Resort 2013: Spotlight Chanel

fall 2012 rtw: for the feet

Alexander McQueenLouis Vuitton.  I hate this collection.  The shoes are the least offensive part.Miu MiuChanelRick OwensMore McQueen.Yves Saint Laurent