Kacy and Cori dropped $1,920 for three vials of jizz. Don’t guys make like $100 a donation? That’s some mark-up. The couple paid extra for a donor who was open to being contacted when his offspring reach 18. They celebrated with friends, family, and pizza at an informal sperm party at their home.
Whenever LA gets too thick with the stench of familiar poon, Whitney flees to San Francisco to revisit previous delicacies. (This time thankfully she upgraded to a larger and nicer hotel room – no offense Phoenix.) Former dish Jaq conveniently bumped into Whitney at Lexington, an SF institution. Their fling ended the previous summer when Jaq changed her FB status to “in a relationship,” a setting that acts as Whitney repellent.
Later, Whitney hosted a party at Trigger where she soaked up all the fan-love from season one. She worked the room and provided photo ops for the star-struck crowd. 
“The thing I don’t understand is like girls always want to smell my hair. You know they’ll like come up and like sneak a sniff, and it’s like, I mean you can, but I don’t know if I should hand it to ‘em or what? But one thing I’ve made sure of is that this shit always smells on point.”
Alyssa and Rachel surprised Whitney in SF. Rachel created an awkward situation when she assumed that she would be crashing in Whitney’s hotel room. When Jaq showed up and smooched Whitney hello right in front of Rachel, it proved that regardless of geography, with Whitney, it’s never a drama-free weekend.
Sajdah and Chanel sat down for their first official date. Sajdah laid it on thick with lines like, “What I feel now? I ain’t even know to desire before. Like seriously like it’s more than I even knew to want.” She then slid a note across the table old-school style and asked Chanel to check yes or no if she’d be her girlfriend. She gifted Chanel a necklace and sealed the deal with a kiss. Start loading the U-Haul.
Romi threw a dinner party and realized she didn’t know how to have fun without alcohol as a social lubricant. After the meal, the group headed to the club where Kelsey got loaded and Romi got judgmental. On the way home in the cab Kelsey complained about how the two never have sex. Then she started crying over the fuck shortage and collapsed in Romi’s lap.
Kelsey finally wore her down with tearful begging, and Romi relented and pity-fucked her. Dudish Kelsey hilariously grunted “shit” after a particularly satisfying orgasm and closed the every-which-way reciprocal fucksesh by ejaculating. Literally.
Chanel presented the collection with aggressively ugly and unflattering footwear.
Tomas Maier presented another standout collection for Bottega Veneta.
Oscar D served everything from slim suits to signature gowns.
Michelle Williams put a bird on it. 
Daphne Guinness and SJP in McQueen.
A disastrous Blake and shimmery Anna in Chanel (psst, saw it here first Feb 3rd). 
Newd hued for the youngsters.
This is not the couples portion of the pageant B. 
Madonna and that other Guy. 
Marc Jacobs and Robert Duffy send a nod of the knee to McQueen’s heritage. Tux on top, tartan down low.
The Christinas. Ricci>Hendricks
Kristen Stewart sliced through the party in Proenza Schouler.
Paltrow repped Stella McCartney.
More beige-y neutrality from Zellweger and Hayek (also in McQueen), but Salma’s just-fucked hair was the best of the night. 
JLO served severity and overkill. Bleeding Armadillo. 
An unexceptional showing from the supermodels: Gisele, Naomi, Carolyn, and Miranda. 
Hey Kayne.
Also Calvin Klein-clad was Gwyneth Paltrow. Many went crazy for this look, but the severe middle parted hair with the long narrow plunging neck evoked butt crack. GOOP wins for most over-rated, and that doesn’t just apply to her fashion choices.
Two old ladies in Dior Couture: Nicole Kidman and Sharon Stone. Sharon served a little high-end Cruella DeVille with a good dress and bad hair. 
Marchesa’s minions, Halle and Hailee. This gown’s a little too young and try-hard on Halle. Hailee finally succumbed to the princess pressure after several chic and tailored moments this awards season. This awkward length doesn’t flatter her. 
Celine Dion and Reese Witherspoon werked Armani Privé, two of the strongest looks of the night. Anyone else suspicious why Reese looked a little too proud of herself all night. 
We all knew the Rodarte was coming. Portman loves Kate and Laura Mulleavy. After all the built-up expectation, this plum number was just okay. Some of that train should have been repurposed to fill out the front hemline. Also repping purple, Scarjo in Dolce & Gabbana taking the baton from Michelle Williams to finish the defiantly unattractive relay. 
Mila chose lilac Elie Saab and looked absolutely fantastic. She managed to balance sweet and sexy – arguably the best, except for that awful makeup.
Another best dressed contender, the always impeccable and fashion-forward Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Couture. 
Hilary Swank also ventured into slightly new territory in Gucci. Swank’s softly sculpted eye makeup was undoubtedly some of the best cosmetic artistry of the night. Michelle Williams gave good glam with stunningly perfect hair and makeup. 
Three ladies arrived in gowns previously featured on Demeter Clarc: Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott, Giuliana Rancic in Christian Siriano, and Mandy Moore in Monique L’huillier. Remember, you saw it here first.
Penelope, Jennifer Hudson (Versace), Anne Hathaway (archival Valentino), and Sandra Bullock (Vera Wang) opted for a range of carmine hues. The rosebuds were neither particularly interesting nor especially fug. These four surfed the crimson sea of mediocrity.
Worst without needed elaboration: Marisa Tomei in vintage Charles James and Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer. 
Best dressed goes to Julie Bowen for her flattering and original Catherine Malandrino jumpsuit. Julie gets the prize because this may be the best she’s ever looked. Hitting her fashion stride, the choice highlighted her toned arms and tiny waist. 
Christina Hendricks also deserves compliments for reining in her (allegedly enhanced) rack in this elegant long-sleeved L’wren Scott gown. Modern and slimming, a much-improved showing for our Joanie. 
Yeah, yeah, Mila looked great in Alexander McQueen. Finally, she picked a gown that does her justice. She’ll be the obvious contender for “best dressed” among the mainstream critics. 
It wouldn’t be a proper awards show without a Demeter Clarc selection making the cut. This time Julia Stiles worked this Monique L’huillier ombre from the Pre-Fall 2011 collection. Don’t love the uninspired hair, but she gives good gown. 
A trio of cap-sleeved gowns appeared on January Jones, Jenna Fischer, and Nicole Kidman. Jayma Mayes and Jennifer Lawrence worked detailed variations of the theme. None were particularly spectacular. 
On the fug continuum, Jayma sits on the least offensive end and Jenna on the way, way, way other side. 
Heather Morris, Kyra Sedgwick, and Sarah Hyland served sexy strapless. Tina Fey, Winona Ryder, Claire Danes, Dianna Agron, Julianna Margulies, and Natalie Portman sucked all the seduction out of the silhouette. Angie Harmon suffered from a serious case of overcompensation. I’m so mad at Winona. 
The one-shoulder women, tasteful Hilary Swank wearing Versace, and budget Kim Kardashian in Marchesa. 
While originality is always appreciated, the most interesting part of Eva Longoria’s Georges Hobeika gown was estimating how much titty tape went into tacking that strap down. 
Sophia Vergara joked that she makes everything look like Cavalli. Unfortunately, that means she makes Cavalli look like Jovani. Lea Michele came with a whole different take on the deep-V in Oscar de la Renta. Overall, it was a very de la Renta-heavy evening. 
