Home > Charlize Theron
I commence this year’s Oscar fashion criticism frenzy with Kelly Osbourne in Tony Ward Couture because this is the dress I stared at longest and ultimately found most controversially interesting among a thicket of bland and boring looks. Was Charlize exquisite in Dior Haute Couture? I guess. Is it memorable? No. Am I bored? Very. Is she serving a little Sharon Stone with that hair and smirk? Yes. Aniston possesses a rare talent for making Valentino look like the Macy’s Prom Collection. Stand up straight bitch. This tin-tittied mess is Anne Hathaway in Prada. Nobody noticed the diamonds, that’s for sure. When I see Halle Berry in this Versace, I want to pronounce it Versayce. I despise everything about Amanda Seyfried in this Alexander McQueen: the bridesmaid hair, the pageant pose, and the washed out non-color of the firefly patterned gown. Jessica Chastain has truly never looked better in impeccably-tailored spiderweb Armani. I don’t love Melissa McCarthy in this ill-fitting David Meister, but I will always love Melissa McCarthy. Jennifer Lawrence lacks a style identity. I suspect Dior hands her a dress and she obediently wears it. One of the best dressed of the evening, Octavia Spencer looks fantastic in this soft pink Tadashi Shoji.A wrinkled mess, Kerry Washington served some sorbet Miu Miu. It’s too long, no?I don’t get dead-eyed Kristen Stewart in Reem Acra. I know she makes some bitches swoon, but to me she is not everything. Can she close her mouth? What’s up with her constant open mouth? It’s creepy.This Louis Vuitton just doesn’t fit Reese Witherspoon, and the fabric isn’t modern. Nicole Kidman wore L’Wren Scott and I think we can agree it was a decent choice for her. It’s a little fussy for my personal taste, but she wears it well and looks luminous. Let’s finish with the couples: Naomi Watts wore Armani Privé. Armani far and away fit the best dresses of the night. Ben & Jen, she in Gucci, but it doesn’t matter what she wears because nothing pops on this girl.
Jolie served in Atelier Versace. She turned it out to pimp her directorial debut. Don’t love the shoes, but when she tries even a little she easily steals the show.
The most improved nod goes to Heidi Klum in Calvin Klein Collection, who usually shows up to these events looking wildly out of place and heinously attired. Mila Kunis looked bored and made this one-strap Christian Dior boring too. She can do better, but can’t seem to shake this recent ugly frock streak. Let’s get the brides out of the way. First, Jessica Chastain arrived in an ill-fitting Givenchy. In recent awards seasons, Givenchy seems to lend out dresses willy-nilly and doesn’t bother to make sure they are tailored correctly. For as many style successes as they have, they have an equal number of fashion failures. Kate Beckinsale always brings the over-try, sponsored here by Roberto Cavalli and accompanied by Len Wiseman.Jessica Biel wore a matrimonial Elie Saab, obviously unable to stifle her wedding enthusiasm. Sofia Vergara showed us the source of the Nile in Vera Wang. Sarah Michelle Gellar drowned in a big blue and white tie-dyed Monique L’huillier. Best grown women: Downton Abbey’s Elizabeth McGovern, Diane Lane and Madge both in Reem Acra.Vivienne Westwood dressed Andrea Riseborough who stars in Madonna’s movie W.E.The gorgeous Gucci girls = Salma Hayek and Evan Rachel Wood.God bless Melissa McCarthy; she tried in Badgley Mischka. Take a cue from Octavia Spencer who looked incredible in a light lavender Tadashi Shoji. Modern Family’s Ariel Winter looks all grown up in Dolce & Gabbana. Shailene Woodley chose a lovely Marchesa gown, but unfortunately paired it with bad posture. Claire Danes deviated from her usual favorites Calvin Klein and Narciso Rodriquez in favor of this embellish-backed J. Mendel number. I’m ambivalent – love the back, hate the front. Michelle Williams wore Jason Wu. She should stick to Prada or Miu Miu. Is that burned out velvet? Emma Stone also failed to impress in a mediocre Lanvin gown. Frieda Pinto wore lapis Prada and it won’t be everyone’s favorite, but I think she’s lovely. Juliana Marguilies also chose a bold color statement with this sleek eggplant Naeem Khan.Laura Dern sparkled in an emerald Andrew Gn gown.Did you get the memo that Reese is reinventing herself as sexy? Zac Posen painted her red and gave her hips. Nicole Richie is quickly morphing into a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. At first, I loved this Julien MacDonald metallic dress, but the more I look at it, the less excited I am, especially over that messy hem. Where have you been Natalie? We’ve barely seen you since you gave birth. Weird dress by Lanvin. Madeleine Stowe celebrated her career revival in Vera Wang. Charlize Theron is like awards show pizza; even when she’s bad she’s not that bad, and here she’s pretty decent in Dior Couture. If only she could wipe that smug-ass look off her (recently tweaked?) face.
This week Rachel was on the hunt for the best gowns for the 2010 Oscars. She proclaimed a white obsession and declared everyone should have a white moment on the red carpet. According to her, everyone looks good in white. The truth is most people look like shit in white. A rare woman wears white head-to-toe well, and it ain’t exactly slimming. Occasionally, white works and when it does it can be admittedly spectacular. More often than not, it evokes the inevitable and dreaded bridal comparisons and should be avoided.First, Rachel sycophantically gushed over the brilliant Oscar de la Renta, but it was slightly less annoying than usual since he actual deserves it. As expected, Oscar served gown after delicious gown, but really only one princess gown stood out as a possible Oscar option. After the show, Rachel, Rodger, and Brad piled into an SUV to go ten blocks to the Michael Kors show. Despite sitting in gridlock traffic less than a mile away, it didn’t occur to the West Coasters to get out and walk to make it on time. The three self-important assholes rolled in late and rude, even though all the editors and other fashion folk seemed to make it on time under identical circumstances. On the way out, Zoe complained loudly about people sweating them for their bad manners and tardiness.
Rodger and Rachel’s sister, Pam, went to Kiki de Montparnasse to find something sexy for Rachel. The thought of emaciated, wrinkly, Rachel ensconced in lingerie is enough to conjure the heaves (Rachel Zoe presents the Refugee Collection). The lubricious salesgirl wasted no time breaking out an “intimacy kit” complete with vibrator. Mortified, Rodger moved on to the French Maid getup, before settling on a simple black camisole and lace thong that he could have bought anywhere. Proving he’s at least forty percent queen, Rodger closed the sale by saying, “We should get this because it is sexy, and she can definitely wear this with a Chanel jacket and be happy.”
Next, Brad (sans Rachel and thus relegated to the 5th row) at Derek Lam. Brad fixated on the modern white drapey cowl-neck high collar gown for Cameron Diaz, which was amazing (and was coincidentally included in Demeter Clarc’s selections of the best Fall 2010 gowns). Despite the gown’s dopeness, it obviously wasn’t right for Cameron or the Oscars. Brad says Taylor made him look incompetent, but so far he’s done just fine proving his lack of artistic vision. His picks are off, and that’s why you should never trust a gay man to do a woman’s job. Brad excels at dressing men, and that’s where he should turn his focus.
Rachel rushed waaaaay down market to style her QVC fashion show. The collection looked cheap, budget, and utterly home shopping. This should prove once and for all that this woman’s style and certainly her design talent, are greatly exaggerated. Admit it, the collection was not hot.For their anniversary, Marisa gave Rodger and Rachel a DVD of their 1998 St. Barts honeymoon. Rachel was barely recognizable in the video describing herself as “a brunette with no wrinkles.” After, Rachel and Rodger traded gifts. Rachel bought Rodger a gift, and a gift for herself from Rodger – rose gold and diamond handcuffs. When Rodger busted out the Kiki de Montparnasse box, Rachel recoiled in horror repeating the mantra “not wearing it.” When Rodger pulled the relatively benign cami out of the box Rachel’s panic subsided, but she batted down his attempt to show the thong. Can we agree that a sex tape staring these two would be the least erotic thing ever?Rachel seemed pretty disappointed with her gifts until Rodger busted out a custom Barbie doll fashioned in her image. First Dylan McKay’s Porsche, then Rachel Barbie, gentlemen take note.That evening at Donna Karan, Rachel chirped, “Hey Beauty!” to the likes of Demi Moore, Susan Sarandon, and Brooke Shields reminding us that Zoe herself is more hired-help than style star. Rodger and Rachel told anybody who would listen about their wedding anniversary, and then feigned surprised when congratulated, exclaiming how nice it was that everyone remembered.
Pam sat Rachel down and gave her a serious talking to regarding her reproductive future. Rachel blames her hectic schedule on her childless womb, but she probably just doesn’t want to get fat or quit smoking. Hermès, Chanel, Balenciaga, these are Rachel’s babies. Getting ready for Marc Jacobs, Rachel vacillated between hair-up or hair-down, with the majority of Team Zoe preferring the hair up so as not to compete with the ruffled shoulder. Considering the jacket choice, her hair did look better up, and that’s how she walked out the door. However, moments later in the car, the hair was down. How can you trust a stylist that cannot style herself?
The next morning, Brad broke the news of a ban on white gowns at the Oscars. Rachel whined, “I hate no white.” Fear not, she utilized the Lam in this Bazaar spread with Atwood.Wrapping things up at Jessica McClintock Marchesa, Rachel fixated on a busy silver beaded dress with a huge bow on the shoulder. Didn’t we learn anything from Charlize’s bow shoulder disaster from a few years back? Even though the bow looked like a big ass parrot sitting on the model’s shoulder, Brad proclaimed the gown “the most coveted dress of the entire season.” He stressed, “If it’s not worn by one of Rachel’s clients, Lord help me.”
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