Tag Archives: Chelsea Handler

August 2012 Horoscopes

 Leo

Happy Birthday LionsLeos focus on self-improvement in August starting with a make over.  New hair, new clothes, and a fresh look will serve you well and actually aid in your character and personality ambitions.  Leos radiate energy and magnetic charisma.  At work, people around you will be attracted by your communication skills.  Tighten the purse strings; August is not for expensive luxuries.  Save your money and devote your time to casual get-togethers with friends you enjoy.  Try to avoid driving the last week of the month when the likelihood of an accident, especially at night, is particularly high.

 Virgo 

August provides the opportunity for spiritual awakening for Virgos.  Lately your focus has been very cerebral, but quite rooted in the real world.  Now think bigger, broader, higher, and through the usual.  Virgos spend a significant amount of time pondering the past to prepare for the future.  Keep the ego in check, and adopt an empathetic and humble attitude when dealing with your significant other.  Most importantly, admit when you are wrong.  Single Virgos should stay that way through August.  The first two weeks of the month are perfect for pursuing self-starting business deals.

 Libra

Libras embrace freedom and strength in August by rebelling against many self-imposed restraints.  Professionally you flourish.  Expect accolades and recognition as you position yourself for a meteoric rise.  Treat people kindly.  Your bitchiness is limiting your personal relationships.  Extra demanding to your partner in August, remember if you want space you have to give space.  Keep a conservative profile with regard to investments.  Now is not the time to risk the farm or lend money.

 Scorpio

Scorpios excel professionally this August and enjoy their career more than ever.  When enthusiastic about work, Scorpios shine and inevitably find success.  Now more than ever is the time to push forward with your professional aspirations.  You may even find yourself contemplating an interesting offer.  Mull over any big decisions.  Scorpios require a tremendous amount of emotional support this month.  Ask for what you need.

 Sagittarius

Impatient Sags want everything right now and when you don’t get it you get depressed.  Your desire to succeed and sheer determination can be off-putting, especially when you stampede over those around you.  Relax.  Use your charm to finesse situations.  Explore cultural activities this month like food fairs, carnivals, and neighborhood celebrations.  Keep it local from the 21st-26th, use the time at home to clarify your next move.  Stress manifests in the stomach this month.

 Capricorn

Capricorns experience intense intimacy in August with a shift in your current relationship or the blossoming of a new love.  A tussle with a friend resolves in due time, but the misunderstanding leaves a sourness between you.  Keep the focus on your personal life; this is not the time to get embroiled in petty office politics.  Caps experience financial losses with investments between the 19th-24thCapricorns suffer from distraction and therefore make shitty drivers this month.  Watch out.

 Aquarius

August tests Aquarius on several levels.  First, unless you are exceedingly cautious in your professional dealings, you are likely to offend a few folks in your work circle.  Second, a crisis of confidence erodes your chances at success.  Third, those around you are especially stressed this month and the ill effects spill over.  Focus on love; stoking it and growing it into every nook and cranny of your life.  Curb your blunt tongue.  Keep financially conservative or find yourself preoccupied and obsessed with your own overspending.

 Pisces

Money, money, money, Pisces who owe it must repay it in August.  Find yourself in a position to lend later in the month.  Pisces possess a knack for cultivating opportunities out of thin air.  Maximize this talent in August.  You might be surprised how many people are willing to invest in your ideas.  Wanna get married?  August proves productive with personal relationships as long as you focus on positivity.  Invest energy in a strong foundation before proceeding with any permanent plans.

Aries

Aries enjoy fun times in August as you frolic about from one social engagement to the next.  An upcoming event may very well include a “meet the parents” visit or the coming together of family and friends.  The stars look favorable for introducing your partner to the family. Think like a European: August makes a great time for a leisurely trip.  Students can relax; those of you preparing to study in the fall will receive some good news mid-month, but the last week of the month live especially cautious.  Those on the grind contemplate a new venture.  Get ready to blow a load on home improvement in an end of summer fit of redecoration.

 Taurus

Bulls lead with their horns this August, demonstrating aggression in negotiations and decision-making.  Rather than acting in haste, take time with the major choices and before snapping at colleagues.  Whiny and oversensitive from the 12th to 18th, try not to give in to your worst asshole tendencies.  Towards the end of the month, energies shift for the better and happy folks flock to you.  All this positivity spikes your creativity.  Get ready for some serious and meaningful relationship talks.  August is not the month for proposals or engagements.

Gemini

In August, Gemini’s talent for communication gets plenty of exercise both at work and home.  Towards the end of the month, you fail to do as you promise.  This time it really bites you in the ass, especially at work.  You make a bad situation worse when you say something you shouldn’t in front of your boss.  This month a stressed partner requires extra support and patience.  Try hiking, yoga, and meditating together to strengthen your relationship in a new way.

Cancer

An energetic backspin has Cancers feeling stuck.  This ongoing series of challenges has you frustrated and anxiously awaiting results, especially with regard to your career.  Unfortunately, August will not prove particularly fruitful in this regard.  Stay the course.  No short cuts.  Investments do look favorable for you, particularly in the realm of precious metals.  Even more travel, and by extension spending are on the menu for August.  This is a harmonious time for friendships, but a difficult time for your primary relationship.  Keep it light.

Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang

The phrase dialing it in comes to mind in reviewing Chelsea Handler’s latest contribution to the New York Times Best Seller ListHandler’s books are like the Twilight movies, regardless of how mediocre, folks will come out the pocket.

Bang Bang pretty much peaks in the first chapter when Chelsea describes discovering masturbation at an eight year old girl’s slumber party circle jerk.

Pure cotton candy, the anecdotes make for easy, occasionally humorous reading.  Then POOF, just like empty calories, the confection basically disappears before your eyes.  By the last quarter of a relatively short book (256 pages), the energy putters out.  This limpness combined with the lazy editing proves the the NYT Best Seller List reflects only sales and not necessarily quality.

Chelsea Handler’s Stylist is a Lesbian and it shows…….

I’ll take Chelsea Handler a thousand times over those boring late night middle-aged white guys measuring their dicks on network television.  She is funny, honest, a great interviewer, and has pulled together a richly diverse cast for her late night show.

Night after night, I tune in and cringe at her ensembles.  The Late Night stylist’s choices regularly age and fatten the otherwise gorgeous Handler. Weird hair, washed-out makeup, and really bad clothes are enough to make me want to change the channel.  Here’s a tip, ill-fitting jeans and fugly tops do not make attractive outfits for television.  This is Hollywood, not the Lilith Fair.  Even the hilarity of Jo Koy and Guy Branum can’t compensate or distract from the fashion crimes perpetrated on that stage.

Chelsea, you are funny, but you can’t dress.  Please let me help youI will come to L.A. and dress you for one week of shows, free of charge.  I promise you will look a million times better, your ratings will increase, and we might even score you a new boyfriend now that you and the Silver Fox are kaput.