The Countess visited producer Chris Young to record her song Money Can’t Buy You Class, the drag edition. LuAnn sings better than Kim Zolciak, but that ain’t saying much. Last night on Andy Cohen’s after show, LuAnn confessed she landed a record deal and has another single in the works, Chic, C’est la Vie. Merde, C’est la vie is more like it. 
Ramona rounded up Sonja, Kelly, Alex and Bethenny for her pre-vow renewal bachelorette trip to St. John, (not St. Johns Ramona). When the girls arrived, they divvied up room assignments followed by some topside sunbathing and a white table cloth bikini lunch. 
Kelly wears vagina skimming dresses to events in Manhattan but insists on covering up to eat lunch with a few women on yacht? Whatever. She returned from putting on a cover-up and walked in on Ramona comforting Bethenny over the loss of her father. Bethenny joined this trip right after his funeral and desperately tried to contain her emotion in her large red sun hat.
Ramona wanted to discuss the confrontation at Jennifer Gilbert’s last week. Kelly misguidedly attempted to defend Jill, but ended up confirming Jill’s jealousy over being on the wrong side of the velvet rope in Bethenny’s life.
Sonja sat there like a lump while Ramona, Alex, and Bethenny schooled Kelly on the meaning of common American idioms. This lunch served as one of the first opportunities to clear the air among the women and it was fucking refreshing.
Episode highlight: Kelly stymied by the complexity of the glass door which foiled her dramatic exit.
Later on, Bethenny and Alex shared the most genuine moment of the season with a good old fashioned girl laugh at (Kelly’s expense). Take note Bravo, there’s been a shortage of these moments this season.
LuAnn’s date with the Millionaire Matchmaker reject Coerte V.W. Felske (author of illustrious titles like The Millennium Girl and The Shallow Man) gave me agita. When he “laughs” he throws his head back, opens his mouth wide, and makes no sound. 
Fucking creepy yo. LuAnn hurled her cooch at the lubricious tool using tennis as some icky bourgeois double entendre. Countess, you’re slumming.
Back on the SS Pinot Grigio, the ladies sat down to après-dinner cocktails. Kelly felt entitled to comment on Bethenny’s relationship with her father, and in general was fishing for any reason to attack Bethenny. Sloshed and slurred, Ramona encouraged the group to join her on yacht Hooter. This lead to a discush of one-night stands where Kelly sanctimoniously declared she never had one night stands. Ask Jay Lyon about that.
Kelly denigrated Bethenny and Sonja’s moment and expressions of emotion in general. Then she launched into the next round of attacks on Bethenny. 
Kelly declared, ”Nobody cares about you Bethenny. No one. No one cares. You are vindictive and malicious and cunning and deceitful and it’s creepy. That’s why I get creeped out by you.” 
Switching gears, Kelly accused Bethenny of being a cook and not a chef. This is a pretty bold accusation coming from a woman who claims to be a “Columbia graduate” when she actually went to the Columbia University School of General Studies (which is like the adult learning program). If anybody fronts on her credentials, it’s Kelly, was Elle Accessories even in circulation a year? 
After Bethenny called Kelly a moron and the most unintelligent human being with the worst vocabulary, Kelly took a nose dive to the lowest common denominator calling Bethenny a HO BAG! She busted out ho bag, on a fucking pregnant woman, classy. 
Bethenny charged in on Ramona, three sails to the wind, slurring all over Mr. Hooter. Stop leading with the tits Bethenny, you don’t need to feel yourself up every time you wear a strapless dress. 
Bethenny gives f-bomb dropping Ramona the quick and dirty version of the ho bag report before Sonja and Kelly board the boat that tits built.
Ramona hollered at Kelly to simmer the fuck down and stop attacking poor pregnant Bethenny. Ramona wanted to sweat off some of that alcohol stank at the Fat Turtle, so she, Alex, and Bethenny served up some Turtle Time disco bunny fever.
Too tired for Turtle Time, Kelly and Sonja returned to the poop deck where Sonja mounted Kelly as she complained about the lingering stench of cat piss.