Tag Archives: Countess LuAnn De Lesseps

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: enough with the self-aggrandizing

Lately a lot of folks have been heavy into the self-love.  That’s fantastic – self-esteem and whatnot.  I really don’t want to hear about it though, and neither does anyone else, okay?

I come from a place where humility and hard work are valued.  That’s not to say I’m not vain and lazy, because I am both.  Where I come from you don’t brag on yourself, tell people how great you are, or constantly try to one-up.  Where I come from, people who do that are considered assholes. 

In a overall dull season of RHNY, Carole and LuAnn constantly try to outdo each other with petty one-upmanship, and it reduces both women to their least interesting selves.  Let others shine light on your accomplishments.  Reconsider listing your best qualities to others in conversations that are not job interviews.  Confidence is knowing your strengths and letting others discover them.  The insecure boast in an attempt to distract from their profound weakness. When you are constantly complimenting yourself, it leaves no room for others to compliment you.  Ever notice that?  I was talking to a woman the other day and I slipped a kind word into our conversation.  Her response to my flattering remark? “Yeah, I know.”  Well, if you know, then I guess I don’t have to tell you.  And from now on, I won’t.  

False modesty is gross.  I’m not suggesting you deny your talent.  I’m just suggesting you let others praise you for it.


RHNY: C’est Peaked

Let’s just acknowledge what is blatantly obvious: this sad run sucked from premiere to finale.  Without a central conflict or sincere connections between the ladies, RHNY suffered from RHOC syndrome this season.  Symptoms include ubiquitous fakery, forced scenes, and contrived melodrama. God bless a snotty gay.  Alex showed up for her first paid editorial for The Block.  After listing a string of third tier shows she walked in during fashion week, James the requisite homo elitist, subtly shamed her by repeating, “Perfect then, Perfect then,” in a bored and disdainful tone.  Who can blame him?  Alex’s total lack of self-awareness, paired with her whiny pageant dad Simon, makes her an unbelievably easy target for criticism.  BTW Simon, revealing your wife was chosen 3rd on US Weekly’s worst dressed list isn’t something to brag about in a room of fashion folk.  Though she did live up to the title later in the episode by wearing this utterly fug pink double-breasted short suit.Bravo aired teasers for the finale all week that hinted at a change-of-life baby for Ramona.  The preview giveaways meant to build excitement were dubious since everyone is well aware that at 55, the only change of life happening to Ramona is the retirement of her ovaries.  Bravo’s last ditch effort to salvage the season with engineered baby drama smacks of desperation.In another red-herring subplot, LuAnn and Jacques invited the whole crew to a celebration of their one year anniversary.  The fiesta was held on a boat ironically destined to sail around the Statute of Liberty, a monument presented to America by the Count’s ancestors, as Ramona pointedly reminded us in her personal interview segment.Once on board, Ramona pretended to break the potential pregnancy news to Mario.  Then she and Sonja flitted off to the “head” like two leopard-clad sorority sisters with an eightball.  Sonja conveniently supplied the EPT (how much did they pay for that product placement?), and Ramona supplied the urine.Sensible Jill (relatively speaking) immediately called bullshit and didn’t hesitate to introduce the more obvious explanation of menopause to account for Ramona’s cyclical irregularity.For some unbeknownst reason (did Cohen offer her a kidney?), Natalie Cole agreed to make a cameo and sing a duet with LuAnn.  Fake-ass LuAnn wouldn’t know Natalie Cole from Natalie Merchant, but she pretended to fawn all over the singer when initially introduced by her opportunistic producer.Natalie sang decent, LuAnn sounded nervously pitchy, and Simon looked downright bitchy during the performance.While Jill was hoping for the party to culminate in an engagement announcement, the limp-dick gathering just petered out without any big reveals from either LuAnn or Ramona.If you are attached to this group of ladies, don’t miss the reunion next week.  Chances are it will be the last time you see this ensemble on Cohen’s confrontational couches.  This pathetic excuse for a season proved the NYC franchise is begging to be recast.  At this point, any change would serve as a welcomed improvement.

RHNY: Video Killed the Reality Star

After finishing up her next hit single, Chic, C’est la Vie, LuAnn invited all her fellow castmates to join her in shooting a video in Atlantic City.  To her amazement, not all the ladies jumped at the opportunity.Ramona was first to raise objections to appearing in the video, claiming she didn’t feel it would be a good example for Avery.  First receptive to the idea of appearing, Sonja chose not to participate after listening to Ramona’s anti-video spiel while the two barely broke a sweat on the treadmills at Equinox.Alex articulated her reasons for not participating in the video to Simon & company over a backyard Brooklyn wienie roast.  After pretentiously describing her oil-rich Kansas upbringing, she declared that her family’s social preeminence prevented her from even mentioning the word “class” let alone appearing in a video purporting to embody the four letter word.  The McCords are Kansas society dontcha know?Since these bitches will film anything, Sonja joined Jill at the Path Medical Center.  BTW, what the fuck is on Jill’s head?  When the topic of the video shoot at the Borgata came up, Sonja fed Jill a bunch of unconvincing good-mommy bullshit which Jill immediately saw through.  Jill tried her best to convince, cajole, and bully Sonja into hitting up Atlantic City, but Ramona’s influence over Sonja won out in the end.  Ultimately, Sonja refused to cave to Jill’s pressure.In one of the most awkward and tense lunches of the season, Ramona and LuAnn met at Madison & Vine to discuss Ramona’s non-participation in the video.  Rather than politely decline the cameo, Ramona insinuated she was a better role model and parent than LuAnn.  Without acknowledging the lingering questions surrounding her own relationship, Ramona continued to dig at LuAnn’s parenting style.  Once she brought up the Count’s philandering, LuAnn was understandably out the door.  Glass houses Ramona, glass houses.In an effort to mend fences, Sonja invited Cindy over for toaster-oven egg brunch.  The meal took place mid-week so Cindy brought along her assistant and took a conference call just as the food emerged.  It was super rude of Cindy to take the call and shush Sonja in her own home.  If you are too busy for brunch, don’t come.  Furthermore, I’m sure a conversation about pubic hair removal can wait until after the mid-day meal.Once in Atlantic City, Jill was the only Housewife that showed up for the first day of filming the Chic video.  Bensimon showed briefly for a few shots on day two.  Unflattering makeup, unexciting clothes, bad hair, cheesy location, and a moronic song pretty much guaranteed the whole thing would be a hot mess.  And it was.

To ensure they too got some air time this week, Ramona, Avery, Alex, and Sonja went to a hip-hop lesson, which was easily the most embarrassing five minutes of the season for everyone involved. Alex and Simon hosted an art thing in Brooklyn, and since Ramona and Sonja didn’t go to Atlantic City to shoot the video they deigned to cross the bridge.  The Manhattanites took turns dissing the borough and acted like they’d been forced to endure a trek to a developing nation.  Sonja accidentally flashed a little nip upon arrival, and the excitement level pretty much plummeted from there.Next week the finale puts this sleepy season to bed for good.  Can the show be salvaged with this group of ladies or will Bravo toss the whole lot and recast for next year?

RHNY: Suck a Golden Dick

Bravo served up another week of mismatched footage, proving the decision to extend filming has failed to provide a narrative arc so desperately needed this season.  The thesis of this week’s episode was burlesque by way of Sonja and all that it implies. But first, we got a little mother-daughter bonding courtesy of Ramona & Avery, LuAnn & Victoria, and Jill & Ally.

Jill slummed it on the commuter train to visit Ally in Bronxville where she attends college (Sarah Lawrence?) in the affluent suburb.  Ally might be my fav among the RHNY offspring, but her meat-eating vegetarian speech was super annoying.  Chicken is not a vegetable people!  If you eat chicken, fish, or any other creature you are NOT a vegetarian.  That’s like saying you’re Kosher except for your penchant for cheeseburgers.Avery met up with Ramona for the UES equivalent of an afterschool snack.  Much like Mario, Avery’s got Ramona completely hosed.  With syrupy inflection, Avery read aloud a gushing school report she allegedly wrote about Ramona.  Three reasons why this appeared to be complete bullshit: 1) the assignment was far too elementary to have actually been assigned to a high school sophomore at one of the most competitive prep schools in NYC; 2) no 16 year-old cites her mother as her hero without ulterior motive; 3) Avery’s phony-ass delivery smacked of Bravo/Ramona coercion.

The Countess took Victoria for a driving lesson in an icy parking lot.  After relaying the basics, LuAnn proved she’s not all boring when she let Victoria hit the gas and zoom from one end to the other.

After some more bland filler, Sonja’s burlesque NYE party commenced.  The cast spent the first portion of the party complimenting and then nit-picking each other’s outfits.  Most of the audience spent several minutes trying to deduce whether “Tina” was a dude or a chick. Of course Sonja did a number.  She felt compelled to talk through the performance and throw out little digs at her castmates.  Jill and Barshop huddled in the audience trading barbs of their own.  It was here that Cindy finally earned her salary and showed a modicum of wit when she delivered the zinger of the season.  Sonja busted out the phrase “money can’t buy you class,” in reference to the Countess, and Barshop turned to Jill and said…

“Sucking a golden dick doesn’t either.”


Ramona’s daughter Avery and LuAnn’s daughter Victoria both celebrated their 16th birthday on the same night this week.  The first segment skipped back and forth between scenes of overbearing, bratty Avery making demands of her planners, and a vacant Victoria abdicating complete control to hers.Avery nixed a series of ideas from the pushy planner.  Her worst fear seemed to be that the event would feel “bat mitzvah.”  Like most girls their age, both wanted a 21st birthday disguised as a 16th.Prying must run in the family because Jill’s sister couldn’t resist offering unsolicited legal advice to Sonja about her bankruptcy.  Forcing this conversation in Wexler’s waiting room was gross and uncomfortable.But not nearly as gross and uncomfortable as watching Dr. Wexler deliver a series of painful injections around the perimeter of Jill’s face.LuAnn threw a surprise party for Jill’s birthday.  When Ramona arrived, she and LuAnn discovered that their daughters’ birthday parties not only fell on the same night, they also shared the same theme!  Faux Frost Pas.Jill’s nearest and dearest attention-seeking castmates each took turns hogging the spotlight.  First Barshop did some weird poetry reading in a headpiece claiming to evoke Josephine Baker, but her outfit reflects that she had no actual knowledge of Josephine Baker.Then Kelly used her toast time at the mic to repeatedly point out that she was late and apologize to the uninterested crowd.  Ramona donned a red wig and impersonated Jill complaining about the size of her diamonds.  Self-serving LuAnn headed up the rear in full showgirl regalia singing a dragish tribute to Jill that had the crowd searching for her Adam’s Apple.Simon can’t quite quit smoking for good, so he hired a hypnotist to externally lobotomize his nicotine craving.  Like any good junkie, he had to go out for one last fix.  When he returned, Jacob put him under and repeatedly yelled “you are a non-smoker!” in an unidentifiable accent.Ramona checked into the party venue and panicked when she realized her precious Pinot hadn’t arrived.  She kept slurring “seriously” to convey the urgency of the issue to the staff.  From outside appearances, the only serious problem is the one Ramona seems to have with drinking.Both parties were impressive and very different.  Avery went with an all white wedding reception feel, and Victoria went with a downtown clubby vibe.  Ramona admitted she spent more on this party than she has on any other – even on herself and Mario.  Despite the monster budget, Jill couldn’t procure a cocktail napkin, not even from the bartender.In comparing the two parties, Victoria’s seemed more fun (she for sure had the better dress).  Rather than leverage her daughter’s birthday for her own side fiesta, LuAnn left early to bang Jacques and allowed Victoria to finish the night with her friends.  Lest we forget when you’re 16, the great parties aren’t the expensive ones; they are the ones with the least amount of parental supervision.

RHNY: slowburn

Many of you spent the first commercial break on your knees in front of the toilet after Bravo forced us to endure more contrived MILF-themed sexy times between Alex & Simon, Ramona & Mario, and LuAnn & Jacques.Simon and Alex conjured disgust trying to create mood with clichéd shellfish and lingerie aphrodisiacs.  Though it was toast-worthy that: 1) Simon fetched Alex at the airport with roses; and 2) they are one of the few happily married couples in the franchise.Ramona spread rose petals and waited for Mario to finish up with his mistress arrive.  After an awkward greeting, Ramona shared the fortuneteller’s prediction about Mario’s philandering.  Here’s his face right after Ramona broke the news.  Does he betray any guilt on that smug mug?Ramona set up an easy out, and he of course took the obvious Avery route.  Ramona sopped up every drop without hesitation.  Mmmdenialmmmdelicious.Mario looked thrilled and relieved he was off the hook.  Almost like he couldn’t believe he’d gotten so lucky….

Nobody gives a fuck about flaky Barshop, but Sonja’s wicked slowburn was uncovered by Cindy while flipping through the photos from Morocco.  Sonja cut her out of every one!  “Let’s just say revenge is best served cold and I enjoyed every moment of cutting her out of the pictures.  And I’m going to own it 100%.”News broke that Sonja filed bankruptcy on some mess of an investment she made in some unfinished, ill-conceived film project.  Already informed by the Wall Street Journal, Alex creased her brow, tilted her head, and inquired in a faux-caring tone, “How are you?”  The very sound of the question made Sonja want to leap across the table and slap her in the well-meaning face just to clear the echo of the rude intrusion.Enter Jill, who joined Alex in intensely and invasively interrogating Sonja about her private financial dealings.  Jill actually had the nerve to try and “explain” Sonja’s debts to her based on her extensive gossip column research.  Sonja should have shut it down from the get; her money ain’t none these bitches’ biznass anyway.The Cuntess cruised in and completed the coven.  The purpose of the gathering was that Jill invited everyone but Ramona (and Kelly who didn’t show) to preview her shapewear line.  Neither Bethenny nor Jill’s collections seem to bring any new colors or styles to the compression undergarment scene.  How many Spanx knock-offs does the world need?After the girdle summit, Alex met up with RamonaAlex wasted no time in tattling that Jill had excluded Ramona from the panty party.  Ramona was predictably and naturally pissed.  However, ultimately all of this was overshadowed by Ramona’s deformed (she had it coming) Gelfling-esque upper lip which completely dominated the entire scene.Alex is hellbent on creating as many on-screen opportunities as possible this season, so she invited the Cuntess to coffee under the pretense of clearing the air over their argument in Morocco.  Eager to deliver an obviously rehearsed monologue, Alex dispensed with the small talk and launched into a lengthy and unnecessary introduction before Miss Manners interrupted her. Clouded by fame-seeking, once again, Alex’s strategy backfired and left her showing her ass.  The Cuntess couldn’t give a royal fart over outer-borough Alex.  Even though Alex and Simon probably ran lines in preparation, Alex was still tongue-tied and outmatched in bitchery.  Her best moment was calling LuAnn rude in response to an aesthetic attack on her footwear.  Predictably, the curtain closed when the Cuntess swept out with a flourish of the cape and a flip of her duck-butt hair.

RHNY: Reenter

Without hesitation, we were thrown right into the thick of Jill and Ramona’s post-argument analysis.  Each decamped with her respective clique to refuel and restrategize for the next go-round.Zarin sent her spies to fetch intel from Ramona and the blondes.  First the Cuntess entered and attempted to address Ramona, but her efforts were stymied by Alex and Sonja’s physical and verbal shields.  Next Kelly slinked in wearing a colorful Diane von Furstenberg dress (not Pucci, she quickly corrected a complimentary Sonja).  Kelly tried to invoke the neutrality clause.  The blondes pretended to accept her position, but were obviously savvy to her espionage.It wouldn’t be a trip to Morocco without the requisite henna tattoo moment.  LuAnn, Kelly, and Cindy hunkered down for a painting.  Before they saw her, the three heard Alex loudly and quickly clopping down the stairs.  Alex dramatically swept her scarf around her shoulders and emphatically demanded to have a word upon the conclusion of LuAnn’s tattoo.  Alex then turned on her heel and retreated as suddenly as she appeared.Indignant at the interruption, but also piqued with interest, LuAnn, Kelly, and Cindy all summoned Alex for a chat.  They looked like three lionesses waiting to devour the sad goat that lagged a little too far behind the rest of the herd.Kelly jumped all over Alex for her bad acting and described her performance as “inauthentic.”  Then she strangely ordered Alex to “reenter.” (That’s what she said.)  All season, scenes have felt particularly set up.  Kelly pretty much confirmed the orchestrated premeditation by requesting a redo.Alex the conquering blonde unleashed on LuAnn, but she didn’t get too far into her diatribe before the Cuntess interrupted and curtly dismissed her by ordering her to return to the cabinet she came out of.  Not particularly adept at improvisation, Alex stood slack-jawed and without comeback as the Cuntess brushed by her with her nose high and an undeniable air of superiority.Kelly attacked from behind, leaving Alex bewildered.  Alex tried to apologize, but Kelly called her weird and “not normal.”  Her neck covered in stress splotches, Alex tried to articulate her frustration.  Kelly responded by shhhhhhhhing her, then directing her to first close and then reopen her eyes.  Kelly didn’t really listen to anything Alex said (did anyone?), but she responded in her standard non sequitur fashion by saying, “Sometimes Alex, it is better to just observe and not participate.”As for this week’s moment of blatant hypocrisy, Kelly ordered Alex to cover her shoulders – even though the two appeared to be standing in the internal courtyard of their private riad.  However, she threw her modesty out the window later when she decided to jog around Marrakesh in this skimpy get-up.The ravens landed for dinner, but the butters didn’t descend at the appointed hour.  The social faux pas triggered a shit talking sesh that was only interrupted by Alex’s late arrival. Impeccable hostess and etiquette authority that she is, the Cuntess hurled sharp barbs at Alex from the head of the table.  After a few too many snarky remarks, Alex informed LuAnn that she wasn’t actually told when dinner would be served.  She then snatched her plate of greens before getting bounced out of the dining room by Kelly.Swaddled, Ramona and Sonja emerged asking what was for dinner.  The request caused LuAnn to go completely cous cous.  Like Alex, Sonja and Ramona also claimed that they had been uninformed of the dinner time.  If LuAnn did inform them of the time, it wasn’t included in the episode footage.Kelly coaxed Ramona to make amends.  She and LuAnn progressed until the Countess broached the subject of the fortuneteller’s revelation.  Caught off guard, Ramona reacted by presenting a saccharine smile and chirping “my marriage is great.”  Uneasy and exposed, Ramona abruptly jerked away, insisting that they return to dinner.  One can hardly blame her; Ramona’s perceptive enough to detect the blatant meangirling in the underhanded maneuver.While packing up to return home, the women returned different articles of clothing they had borrowed from one another during the trip.  Jill waived Ramona’s green bikini bottoms around like a white flag.The two confessed to caring about one another and wanting to salvage the friendship, though neither addressed the underlying issues – alcoholism and fame intoxication.  Instead, they tried to brush all previous tension under the rug and just move forward.  When does that ever work?

RHNY: Faucet Ass

This week’s episode picked up at the fortuneteller’s table, where Ramona feebly attempted to distract from the medium’s message by offering every possible alternative other than the most obvious likelihood of Mario’s philandering.Out of Ramona’s earshot, Jill murmured to her circle that she’d heard rumors of Mr. Singer’s infidelity.  Sonja’s reaction also signaled that she had intel which may further support the prediction.  Ramona focused on damage control, more concerned about how the news might impact sales of her fug jewelry than where Mario’s currently corking his Pinot.The band of bourgeoisa headed for the legendary and historic souq.  Sonja, very inconspicuous adorned in all white with a textured fishing hat, clutched her straw bag, apparently concerned one of the locals might wrestle her to the ground for its priceless contents.

Jill werked fashion’s equivalent to the FUPA, a sexy fannypack to the front.Barshop’s brazillian began to chafe in the desert heat, so she directed her discomfort into a confrontation with Sonja over some petty bullshit no one really cares about.  The loud scene caused Kelly to shift her voice into nasal-bad-mommy mode and command that everyone “get along.”As part of her ho stroll for the Morocco National Tourist Office, LuAnn arranged camel rides for the ladies.  Not long into the jaunt, Morocco’s most discerning dromedary decided the Cuntess could kiss sand and gave her a ride worthy of the Saddle Ranch on a Saturday night.  Once steadied, LuAnn dismounted and was too shaken to notice the camel boy copped a feel.The caravan arrived at a tent oasis for a traditional Moroccan feast.  Jill challenged each lady to confess an unknown tidbit, but most recapitulated unilluminating incidental details or ill-timed sad childhood memories.As all group dinners do with this crowd, the lively discussion soon amplified into a full-on cacophony of shouting.  Cindy couldn’t take the crossfire and fled into the unlit terrain, oblivious to the potential dangers of scorpions and other creatures emerging for their evening meal.The tent supper turned out to be more refugee than world-renowned once it hit the gut because both Ramona and Sonja awoke the next morning with a serious case of the faucet ass.  The unaffected hit the hamam and enjoyed a traditional scrub and tub.  When sufficiently plied with Imodium, Sonja and Ramona followed.Back at the riad, Jill tippity tapped on Ramona’s door to commence the long overdue discush causing tension to swell between the two.  Ramona’s still sore about comments Jill made at Jennifer’s wedding and her own vow renewal last year.  Jill is (rightfully) angry at Ramona for rudely dismissing her and Bobby in St. JohnJill fixated on the notion that St. John was her last chance to reconcile with Bethenny, and therefore blames Ramona for the lost friendship.  Side note: who actually says picayune?Ramona weaseled out of actually apologizing by using the classic, “I’m sorry you feel that way.”  A line she surely picked up from years of arguing with Mario.Fury filled Jill as all the feelings of hurt and humiliation surfaced.  In an inexcusably bad outfit, Jill proclaimed that without an apology, the two could never be friends.Unrelenting in her position, Ramona stood up and slung a few back, including the predictable: “You’ve changed, everyone’s said it.”So overworked she thought she might have a heart attack, Jill stomped off in her stilettos intent on calling Bobby.  She left Ramona in tears convulsing on the true star of the scene, a gorgeous traditional Moroccan bedspread.

RHNY: une autre femme

The blondes and the brunettes arrived separately to Marrakesh.  LuAnn, Kelly, Jill, and Barshop flew in a day prior and a head space apart from Ramona, Sonja, and Alex.Team blonde worked themselves up over their potential accommodations on the way to the riad.  Ramona remarked on the “poverty all over” and Sonja called the surroundings “ookie.”  Overcome with paranoia that the locals would make off with her hat collection, Sonja hovered around the van until the staff unloaded the bags.Once unloaded, Rudemona demanded immediate staff assistance in unpacking her cougarific wardrobe and untangling her hideous jewelry.  Cindy came upstairs and found some of her clothing unhung which led her to accuse Ramona of stealing her hangers.  Shit talking among the bitchy blondes ensued as Barshop retreated for friendlier liked-tressed company after a half-hearted confrontation.  Minutes later, LuAnn overcompensated by procuring a dozen hangers and delivering them along with a scolding to Ramona, Alex, and Sonja.The Brunettas hit the design district and conveniently ran into Jill’s ex g-hub Brad.  Since he obviously traveled around the world for a little air-time this season, Brad extended an invitation to his birthday party that night at his nearby lodging.While LuAnn and company were shopping, Ramona and Sonja were drinking.  By the time the two camps caught up with one another, Ramona and Sonja were straight up sloppy.  The Cuntess antagonized Ramona by telling her she looked “amazing” in a tone that sounded less than sincere.Shortly after, a respected Moroccan designer joined the party and offered custom caftans to the ladies.  Ramona continued her American good will tour by demanding he tailor the garment to her exacting specifications.Later at Brad’s party – location B&B – not private villa as Jill had hoped, Sonja sucked down coupes de champagne and puffed up in her dress like a bloated camel corpse on a hot Saharan day.Jill worked the hottest look of the season when she donned a snake crown.  For the crowd’s further amusement, morally questionable snake versus human shenanigans ensued.

Then the whole party burst into some kind of fucked up Moroccan menopausal flash mob.The party ended with tarot readings for the women.  First the fortune teller told Jill she had a good heart, but talked too much.  True.  Then she told Sonja that she should concentrate on the man and not the money.  Also true.  Next, the veiled woman foretold another child for Kelly, thereby fulfilling her yearning for a larger family.  Better get on that Kel.  Finally, Ramona took the hot seat and held the deck over her heart.En Français, the clairvoyant revealed to Ramona that Mario is seeing another woman.  Considering Mario’s well-documented eye-wandering history, this divulgement may turn out as accurate as the mystic’s other predictions.Ramona looked more exposed than surprised, and none of the other woman looked particularly shocked either.  Sonja and Jill shed a tear at the palpable discomfort of the raw disclosure, Kelly fled the scene, and the Cuntess seemed a little too eager to translate the news for the whole room.Dear friend AMP posed an interesting question, could Brad have intentionally set Ramona up to embarrass her?