demeter clarc » Countess LuAnn De Lesseps

RHNY: C’est Peaked

DC — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 07:15:47 +0000

Let’s just acknowledge what is blatantly obvious: this sad run sucked from premiere to finale. Without a central conflict or sincere connections between the ladies, RHNY suffered from RHOC syndrome this season. Symptoms include ubiquitous fakery, forced scenes, and contrived melodrama. God bless a snotty gay. Alex showed up for her first paid editorial for The Block. After listing a string of third tier shows she walked in during fashion week, James the requisite homo elitist, subtly shamed her by repeating, “Perfect then, Perfect then,” in a bored and disdainful tone. Who can blame him? Alex’s total lack of self-awareness, paired with her whiny pageant dad Simon, makes her an unbelievably easy target for criticism. BTW Simon, revealing your wife was chosen 3^rd on US Weekly’s worst dressed list isn’t something to brag about in a room of fashion folk. Though she did live up to the title later in the episode by wearing this utterly fug pink double-breasted short suit.Bravo aired teasers for the finale all week that hinted at a change-of-life baby for Ramona. The preview giveaways meant to build excitement were dubious since everyone is well aware that at 55, the only change of life happening to Ramona is the retirement of her ovaries. Bravo’s last ditch effort to salvage the season with engineered baby drama smacks of desperation.In another red-herring subplot, LuAnn and Jacques invited the whole crew to a celebration of their one year anniversary. The fiesta was held on a boat ironically destined to sail around the Statute of Liberty, a monument presented to America by the Count’s ancestors, as Ramona pointedly reminded us in her personal interview segment.Once on board, Ramona pretended to break the potential pregnancy news to Mario. Then she and Sonja flitted off to the “head” like two leopard-clad sorority sisters with an eightball. Sonja conveniently supplied the EPT (how much did they pay for that product placement?), and Ramona supplied the urine.Sensible Jill (relatively speaking) immediately called bullshit and didn’t hesitate to introduce the more obvious explanation of menopause to account for Ramona’s cyclical irregularity.For some unbeknownst reason (did Cohen offer her a kidney?), Natalie Cole agreed to make a cameo and sing a duet with LuAnn. Fake-ass LuAnn wouldn’t know Natalie Cole from Natalie Merchant, but she pretended to fawn all over the singer when initially introduced by her opportunistic producer.Natalie sang decent, LuAnn sounded nervously pitchy, and Simon looked downright bitchy during the performance.While Jill was hoping for the party to culminate in an engagement announcement, the limp-dick gathering just petered out without any big reveals from either LuAnn or Ramona.If you are attached to this group of ladies, don’t miss the reunion next week. Chances are it will be the last time you see this ensemble on Cohen’s confrontational couches. This pathetic excuse for a season proved the NYC franchise is begging to be recast. At this point, any change would serve as a welcomed improvement.

RHNY: Video Killed the Reality Star

DC — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 07:00:06 +0000

After finishing up her next hit single, Chic, C’est la Vie, LuAnn invited all her fellow castmates to join her in shooting a video in Atlantic City. To her amazement, not all the ladies jumped at the opportunity.Ramona was first to raise objections to appearing in the video, claiming she didn’t feel it would be a good example for Avery. First receptive to the idea of appearing, Sonja chose not to participate after listening to Ramona’s anti-video spiel while the two barely broke a sweat on the treadmills at Equinox.Alex articulated her reasons for not participating in the video to Simon & company over a backyard Brooklyn wienie roast. After pretentiously describing her oil-rich Kansas upbringing, she declared that her family’s social preeminence prevented her from even mentioning the word “class” let alone appearing in a video purporting to embody the four letter word. The McCords are Kansas society dontcha know?Since these bitches will film anything, Sonja joined Jill at the Path Medical Center. BTW, what the fuck is on Jill’s head? When the topic of the video shoot at the Borgata came up, Sonja fed Jill a bunch of unconvincing good-mommy bullshit which Jill immediately saw through. Jill tried her best to convince, cajole, and bully Sonja into hitting up Atlantic City, but Ramona’s influence over Sonja won out in the end. Ultimately, Sonja refused to cave to Jill’s pressure.In one of the most awkward and tense lunches of the season, Ramona and LuAnn met at Madison & Vine to discuss Ramona’s non-participation in the video. Rather than politely decline the cameo, Ramona insinuated she was a better role model and parent than LuAnn. Without acknowledging the lingering questions surrounding her own relationship, Ramona continued to dig at LuAnn’s parenting style. Once she brought up the Count’s philandering, LuAnn was understandably out the door. Glass houses Ramona, glass houses.In an effort to mend fences, Sonja invited Cindy over for toaster-oven egg brunch. The meal took place mid-week so Cindy brought along her assistant and took a conference call just as the food emerged. It was super rude of Cindy to take the call and shush Sonja in her own home. If you are too busy for brunch, don’t come. Furthermore, I’m sure a conversation about pubic hair removal can wait until after the mid-day meal.Once in Atlantic City, Jill was the only Housewife that showed up for the first day of filming the Chic video. Bensimon showed briefly for a few shots on day two. Unflattering makeup, unexciting clothes, bad hair, cheesy location, and a moronic song pretty much guaranteed the whole thing would be a hot mess. And it was.

To ensure they too got some air time this week, Ramona, Avery, Alex, and Sonja went to a hip-hop lesson, which was easily the most embarrassing five minutes of the season for everyone involved. Alex and Simon hosted an art thing in Brooklyn, and since Ramona and Sonja didn’t go to Atlantic City to shoot the video they deigned to cross the bridge. The Manhattanites took turns dissing the borough and acted like they’d been forced to endure a trek to a developing nation. Sonja accidentally flashed a little nip upon arrival, and the excitement level pretty much plummeted from there.Next week the finale puts this sleepy season to bed for good. Can the show be salvaged with this group of ladies or will Bravo toss the whole lot and recast for next year?

RHNY: Suck a Golden Dick

DC — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 06:09:29 +0000

Bravo served up another week of mismatched footage, proving the decision to extend filming has failed to provide a narrative arc so desperately needed this season. The thesis of this week’s episode was burlesque by way of Sonja and all that it implies. But first, we got a little mother-daughter bonding courtesy of Ramona & Avery, LuAnn & Victoria, and Jill & Ally.

Jill slummed it on the commuter train to visit Ally in Bronxville where she attends college (Sarah Lawrence?) in the affluent suburb. Ally might be my fav among the RHNY offspring, but her meat-eating vegetarian speech was super annoying. Chicken is not a vegetable people! If you eat chicken, fish, or any other creature you are NOT a vegetarian. That’s like saying you’re Kosher except for your penchant for cheeseburgers.Avery met up with Ramona for the UES equivalent of an afterschool snack. Much like Mario, Avery’s got Ramona completely hosed. With syrupy inflection, Avery read aloud a gushing school report she allegedly wrote about Ramona. Three reasons why this appeared to be complete bullshit: 1) the assignment was far too elementary to have actually been assigned to a high school sophomore at one of the most competitive prep schools in NYC; 2) no 16 year-old cites her mother as her hero without ulterior motive; 3) Avery’s phony-ass delivery smacked of Bravo/Ramona coercion.

The Countess took Victoria for a driving lesson in an icy parking lot. After relaying the basics, LuAnn proved she’s not all boring when she let Victoria hit the gas and zoom from one end to the other.

After some more bland filler, Sonja’s burlesque NYE party commenced. The cast spent the first portion of the party complimenting and then nit-picking each other’s outfits. Most of the audience spent several minutes trying to deduce whether “Tina” was a dude or a chick. Of course Sonja did a number. She felt compelled to talk through the performance and throw out little digs at her castmates. Jill and Barshop huddled in the audience trading barbs of their own. It was here that Cindy finally earned her salary and showed a modicum of wit when she delivered the zinger of the season. Sonja busted out the phrase “money can’t buy you class,” in reference to the Countess, and Barshop turned to Jill and said…

“Sucking a golden dick doesn’t either.”