I hate you IKEA because you smell funny. I blame the restaurant. The Swedes are not known for their cuisine. A fellow patron spilled one of those ligonberry drinks and I watched as it penetrated the polished concrete floor like battery acid. I want to throw a Swedish meatball at your stadium-sized head IKEA. I hate you IKEA because you seduce me with your displays. While walking through the showroom, it all looks like Oz. When your resolve has weakened and you are ready to drop your panties for that $199 dresser, follow the yellow brick road down to the warehouse and pull back the curtain to find a sea of gray, bleak cardboard, and overwhelming confusion stacked from floor to ceiling. I hate you IKEA because you are still the most affordable option for semi-stylish home furnishings. What makes IKEA a hassle is what makes IKEA cheap. I hate you IKEA because you make your employees wear the ugliest shirts ever made. Are you furniture referees? Lemme get you a whistle and maybe you can wrangle some of these deranged children out of the way.I hate you IKEA because you assign homework. I have to put this thing together now? My friend Trish hired some dude off Craigslist to put all her IKEA furniture together – assembling shitty pre-fab furniture is a cottage industry. Skills for life, people. Skills for life.