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March 2013 Horoscopes

Pisces

Happy Birthday Little Fishies!  Truth be told, I have a soft spot for Pisces.  They truly are the kindest and tender-heartedest folks, but I do like to joke that if Pisces are fish then their subspecies is Self-fish.  Don’t fret little Fishies, I mean that in a loving way.  It isn’t that you aren’t generous; you are very giving, but also very self-involved.  Pisces just aren’t capable of personal objectivity, but it isn’t a deep character flaw and you make up for it in many other ways.  Pisces are super charming, fun to be around and usually decent in bed (don’t expect them to choke you out or anything though).  This year has all the makings for wonderful growth opportunities if you wildly abandon your drippy fears.  Grab opportunities when they come, but maintain your integrity at all costs.  Without your honor, you have nothing.

Aries

Aries, one of your best traits is your dependability and general talent for making shit happen.  A true energetic catalyst, you draw people near and then get them all buzzed up.  This Aries flame gets some people all hot and bothered, so watch out for relationship interlopers.  If you are single, watch out for the HPV – contrary to the Girls propaganda not All Adventurous Women Do…  What else?  March asks you to dig deep and make some decisions about work.  What do you really want and what are you willing to sacrifice with regard to your quality of life?  Time is your most precious gift; use it wisely.

 Taurus

With the wake of February’s crazy upheaval behind you, now you must put one foot in front of the other and make decisions to right the course.  Determine what you really want from your life and relationships.  Vigorously pursue the very best for yourself because you deserve thorough satisfaction.  Talented and trusted, professionally Taurus has no where to go but up, up, up.  Those threatened by your success turn an evil eye on your back.  Repel the negativity with a shield of confidence.  Even though you are deeply sensitive, don’t let ‘em get you down.  Stand strong in the face of evil.

 Gemini

Intellectually Gemini surpasses most, but they can be some of the dumbest motherfuckers when it comes to common sense.  Focus.  When you are scattered you are at your least effective.  Ruthlessly clear obstructions blocking your path.  Gemini excels with a plan and plenty of time.  The question is whether you are able to truly formulate a plan of your own volition and with your own dreams in mind.  Let go of the coattails of those you’ve been clutching and move forward on crafting the life you truly desire.  If you want to be admired, turn yourself into someone admirable.

 Cancer

Recently Cancer has experienced some of the calmest waters in recent memory.  Professionally, you’ve made critical gains.  Personally, Cancer experiences greater and more intense intimacy than ever before.  So what is missing little Crab?  When completing your moral inventory do you get paper cuts?  You can’t go back and change the past, but you can stop recapitulating the same mistakes while recreating the same situations.  Look at what is going well in your life right now and properly nourish these areas.  Distractions are landmines for Cancer; remain committed to the beneficial.

 Leo

Bold Leos occasionally write checks their asses can’t cash, and this March they find themselves overdrafted.  Friends and family react with impatience at the pickles you get yourself into in March, Leo.  Hopefully, you’ve banked some goodwill because you are going to need it.  Let me spell it out for you: Leos need help this month.  What all this drama reveals is an unexpected confidant.  You’ll grow closer to a person you weren’t even sure you liked and that will surprise you.  Whether or not this person has romantic inclinations is yet to be determined, but you certainly have some sway in intensifying or deflating the potential suitor’s feelings.

Virgo

Mostly Tauruses wear the stubborn crown in the astrological court, but you could really threaten to dethrone Bulls this month Virgo.  For some reason you refuse to accept certain realities of your situation.  A change is in order and you must abide the universe and what it has in store for you.  No amount of digging in of the heels will prevent the inevitable.  Resistance is futile.  Virgo has been looking better than ever lately.  Goes to show your commitment to certain regimes provide legitimate results.  This month invest in a good moisturizer and perhaps even splurge on a facial if time and finances permit.

 Libra

In some ways February felt like the longest month for Libra, and you welcome March with open arms.  Don’t worry, this month will embrace Libra with affection in return.  Simple pleasures like long walks bring deep satisfaction as you peek towards an early spring.  These easy afternoons and honest conversations begin to stir Libras from their winter funk.  While flipping through fashion magazines you contemplate a new look for spring.  You always do well with black & white in modern shapes, but how can you add some unexpected sex appeal to your daily swagger?

Scorpio

Oh Scorpio what are we going to do with you?  Some may perceive your recent course of action as impulsive, but you never act rashly.  Quite the opposite actually, Scorpios ruminate on decisions at length before setting forth with a decisive and definite plan.  Get on board or get out of the way.  Conduct yourself with integrity and kindness regardless of how momentarily impatient or hostile you may feel.  When you look back at your greatest regrets, you’ll note they almost universally involve your mistreatment of others, especially those you love.  Remember Karma is only a bitch if you are.

 Sagittarius

Sags always try to paint everything with a pretty pink rosy brush.  One Sag I know just told me a long story culminating in a dead dog and she still tried to tie it up with a positive bow.  It’s a dead dog, lady.  There really isn’t an upside.  After a period of aimlessness, Sags find clear and unequivocal direction in the coming months.  Just because you follow the map doesn’t mean it will lead you to your destination.  Ballsy Sags explore detours to get where they really want to go.  There will be a few moments that test your honor and dignity.  These tests you must not fail.

 Capricorn

Dutiful Capricorns feel particularly put-upon and resentful recently.  The hang-dog looks have been dimming your shine and bringing down your daily circle.  Expressions of gratitude help reverse your sad-Sally attitude.  Maybe when you realize how good appreciation feels you’ll send some to the deserving.  Caps excel at sweet and attentive gestures.  It is the grander proclamations of love that choke you up.  Clear your throat Cap.  Nut up and make your intentions clear.  You know what you want, that’s never been the problem.  Effectuating your desires is a different story.  Get out of your own way Capricorn.

Aquarius

Aquarius floats in and out of March like a feather.  Mostly you spend the next few weeks in a period of preparation, setting everything up to properly execute on future plans.  Richly talented and great at navigating the nuances of your professional world, there is really no excuse for you not to succeed.  Two possibilities?  Aquarius isn’t punctual and occasionally lacks gravitas.  Consider if one or both of these qualities limits your growth.  A cleanse could do you good right about now.  Abstain from food and alcohol for a day and see what good comes of it.

Annie

Ever since the northwest trip, I’ve been itching to see Annie (1982).  Must be all the drawbridges I crossed.  The classic so holds up!  Let’s Go to the MoviesLittle Girls – so may good numbers and I’m not even a person who particularly enjoys musicals.  I had this annoying friend Jessica in high school who was in every two-bit theater production in town.  I endured more than a few community productions of “Once Upon a Mattress” and “Jesus Christ Superstar” all in the name of friendship.  We aren’t friends anymore.  It’s fine; she’s stuck in my God-forsaken hometown probably still doing shitty community theater.  Sorry I’ve gotten really off track.  Back to my girls Pepper and MollyBefore the rumored Willow Smith remake treads on the memory of my favorite version which includes brilliant performances from Carol Burnett, Tim Curry, and Bernadette Peters, please watch the 1982 John Huston (Anjelica’s father) gem.  That’s Ed Herrmann as FDR ya’ll.  Only a hateful cold-hearted bitch could resist Grace Farrell. Love the climatic drawbridge scene where Punjab saves the day.  Truthfully, I enjoyed every moment of the comforting childhood friend.  As an adult you notice new things like the incredibly stylish clothes and decorating.  Just saying, if you are in a pinch for a drawbridge, Annie’s the fix.  Try to take the obvious racism in context as a quaint vestige of its time.

Coachella in sum

I know, I know, you are all Coachella-fatigued.  Tell me about it.  This is the last Coachella-related post, promise.   Just thought you would like to know a few of the less advertised secrets of the Coachella festival.Most of the hot guys were gay, most of the straight guys were doughy.  Seriously, most of these guys are in their twenties and thirties and have love handles.  Not cute.  Ratio of hot girls to hot guys 20:1.Coachella has a reputation for being a celebration of drugs in the desert.  True, the attitude towards drugs, grass in particular, is quite permissive, but considering the heat and intensity of the experience, the kiddos by and large kept it together.  That said, I did have a little fainting spell myself after a bad churro.  Stay away from the churros, cinnamon and sugar dipped Styrofoam.  Special shout out to good Samaritan “Joey” who lent a hand to my panicked pal while my brain rebooted. The dominant fashion silhouette was 80′s, 80′s, 80′s.  Think high-waisted shorts and booties.  Lots of shorts, lots of legs.  Some good legs and ass, lots of mediocre legs and ass.  Some bitches just straight up wore a 2 piece bathing suit.Who rocked?  The Rapture, Wild Flag, Santigold, Girl Talk, Florence and the Machine and EMA. Who disappointed?  Gotye, Pulp, SBTRKT, and ultimately Dre and Snoop who basically did a cheesy medley of popular rap hits over the last 20 years, some theirs, some not.  For the record, the Tupac hologram was an abomination.

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