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As many of you know, I served as a bridesmaid on Friday. I wore the matching dress – the whole bit. This wedding was one of the most fun I’ve been to, which in all honesty, was an unexpected surprise. The whole event got me thinking of the best and worst ceremonies I’ve attended, and what makes some of these events sing while others are off key. After much nuptial analysis and observation, I humbly offer these considerations when either planning or attending a ceremony. A chill bride goes a long way in making a wedding day bearable for everyone else. What makes for a relaxed bride? An attentive bridal party. As a bridesmaid your only job is to say “What do you need? What can I get you? You are the most beautiful.” The rest of the time anticipate the needs of the bride and her parents. Remember that attending a wedding as a bridesmaid is a job. It doesn’t end until the bride pulls away from the reception. My devotion was so unwavering that I hoisted the bride’s dress up while she peed and lifted her train up all night so it wouldn’t drag in the mud. I lost a strap on my shoe and improvised with a ribbon and kept it moving. I doubt anyone really noticed, and I even got a few compliments on my shoes. Some guests thought it was a creative fashion statement, which really isn’t that farfetched since I’ve been known to wear some pretty fucking random shit on occasion. Thankfully, I found the strap of my brand new Jeffrey Campbells later that night. Expect at least one bridesmaid, close female friend, or relative to come completely unhinged before or during the big day. The myriad motivations behind these dramatics vary greatly, but typically include at the very least jealousy, existential crisis, groom hating, Peter Pan Syndrome, and more. Don’t bother trying to root out the ire. Just distance yourself from the negativity. Wait until after the honeymoon to decide if the behavior is a relationship deal-breaker. Friction between the bride’s dad and the groom isn’t exactly uncommon. Most of that tension can be dealt with early and honestly if the groom nuts up and asks Dad for the bride’s hand. Some will find this antiquated. Let me be perfectly clear – the conversation is not some fucked up cow-trading dowry conversation. The purpose of the chat is to provide the opportunity for any parental concerns to be voiced. It is also a gesture of respect and goes a long way in garnering good will. Gays should talk to parents too if feasible under the particular circumstances. Speaking of gays, have some sensitivity to the fact that your best gay friends may be really sick of attending straight weddings when most cannot legally marry themselves. We’ve discussed buffets here on DC before. As far as I’m concerned, buffets = barffets. Consider family style, served plated, or heavy hors d’oeuvres as an alternative. Don’t you find passed tray hors d’oeuvres kind of awkward for both server and guest? Ask yourself when you’ve ever truly been thrilled with a buffet, and then admit that wedding buffets are notoriously bad. What is it with the limp-ass sauteed vegetable medley? I love vegetables, but this oft-presented dish is a good reason why they get a bad reputation. Food must be delicious, appropriately hot or cold, and of a large variety. Provide fruits, vegetables, cheeses, nuts, and yummy bread, in addition to other options, so those with specific dietary needs can negotiate the meal without a fuss. Much more to come on weddings and more little doves. The internet is finally up and running in my new nest, so expect a full posting schedule moving forward. Thanks again for your kindness and commitment. Hugs, DC
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