Tag Archives: dance

bottle service at da club

BETA

Last night, I was invited to da club to enjoy the full VIP bottle service experience.  Rolling six deep with a gold digger, a missed-connection, Pippi Longstocking, a purse watcher, a narcoleptic, and an adderall-popping cunt, we were stamped, wristbanded, and escorted past the velvet ropes to the special elevator that took us upstairs where we could gaze down upon the sweaty rolling stink writhing below.  This elitist bullshit is so not my scene.  Other than having a place to sit, I really don’t get bottle service.  Open carafes of juice are a bad idea around drunk people.  Is there an expectation that the six of us finish this bottle of vodka?  I just drank the bottled water because everything else appeared so unsanitary.  The best part of the whole evening was watching the kiddos roll their faces off down below.  I saw a titty come out, and it made my night.  Can we talk about the go-go dancers?  Why do they all still dance like they are juggling a spaceball?  90′s nostalgia?  Give me something new girls.  Give me something more interesting than your lower butt cleavage.  From my vantage point, with rare exception the dudes can’t dance.  The repetitive pounding house beats of the well-known DJ got super fucking old super fucking quick.  Really with the glow sticks?  The main redeeming factor was when the group of handsome gentlemen at the table next to us mistook me as 10 years younger.  I’m sure it was clubby darkness and context, but just let me savor the sad little moment, okay?  Thanks.  BETA A GOGO

Com Truise

COM TRUISE MELTCom Truise fucked my face off tonight.  COM TRUISE

The Most Annoying People at the Rock Show

BUTT GRABThe guy who leads his girlfriend around by the ass.FLAILING BITCHES

The woman who over-enthusiastically dances to the band’s two hit songs and then texts, talks loudly, and gets sloppy-ass drunk for the remainder of the show.

BRAD PITT DORK DANCEThe interpretative dancer who gesticulates in accord with the lyrics.  RAISE THE ROOF

The slutty underage Forever 21-clad girls who skank around the drink line begging guys to buy them beer.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

 

The Current Rotation: Good-bye July

WHEN I WAS YOUR MANWhen I Was Your Man × Bruno Mars RIHANNA STAYStay × Rihanna (feat. Mikky Ekko)SAVAGESShut Up × SavagesMUDDY WATERS HONEY BEEHoney Bee × Muddy WatersGET DOWN

 

Listen. Read. Snack.

DAFT PUNK RANDOM ACCESS MEMORIESEven though sometimes listening to Daft Punk feels a like a serenade from an ATM machine, I admit that I must unabashedly break into car dance everytime I hear Instant Crush featuring Julian Casablancas from Random Access Memories. CAR DANCEG-sus, Meg Wolitzer turns a memorable and meaty phrase in The InterestingsMEG WOLITZERFLAX4LIFE MUFFSWho doesn’t love a muffy in the morning?  These tough muffs look like something geriatrics eat to stay regular, but I love these hearty, rib-sticking, omega-filled Flax4Life Blueberry Flax Muffins.  Unlike most commercial baked goods, these not-too-sweet slow burners will tied you over until lunch.FLAX4LIFE MUFFIN

 

The Current Rotation

Passion Pit • Constant ConversationsAlthea & Donna • Uptown Top Ranking Other Lives • Folk Songs (thanks Leah Love)Bat for Lashes • I’m on FireKimbra • Plain Gold Ring (live)

Sunday with Josephine Baker

A Moment with Madge

Did you happen to catch the fleeting clip of Madonna’s new video Give Me All Your Luvin embedded into American Idol’s commercial break last night?  If not, the video is widely available online now.  It is rumored she’ll debut the track at the Super Bowl.  Thoughts?  The song was a bit of a throwback to her earlier work with a touch of Hollaback-girl era Stefani (a comparison Madge will loathe).Nicki left her attitude behind and brought her enthusiasm and tatas instead.  M.I.A. on the other hand looked a little ashamed to be there in a cheerleading uniform.  Some of us haven’t forgotten Toni Basil, okay.

Good wall walk sequence though. 

On the Pole

So my girl Lisa and I went to pole dancing class last night: fully clothed, women only.  We didn’t know the damn difference either way, but in this particular class, the pole spun.  Apparently a little screw lives in the bottom and if you take it out the pole spins, and holy crotch-shot does that muthafucker spin fast?!We arrived a little early and signed our lives away in a questionably enforceable release form.  A class was finishing up before ours and the waiting area looks on to the dance floor, so we watched to see what to expect – booty shorts, leg warmers, and bedhead is what we got, in case you were wondering.The instructor introduced herself and gave a vague introductory spiel which could pretty much be summed up with these closing words of wisdom: “If you aren’t comfortable with sexy, go for graceful.”The class began with a weird wall warm up where we placed our shoulders against the wall, ass away from the wall, students in a line, staring at the mirror.  Cue a series of hip gyrating, sexy wall sits and body rolls.  Awkward.  We giggled our way through and couldn’t really muster the sexy self-thigh touching urged by the teacher.  From the wall we moved to the floor starting on all fours and moving through some rounding and arching of the spine, rib cage rolls, and booty pops topped off with frequent encouragement to whip our hair.  I didn’t watch the clock, but I’d guess we did about 20 minutes of floor work total, including abs.  The instructor let out random “whoots” and “you’re sexy!”Next the instructor broke us into groups 1) über beginners (us) + 2 others, 2) 3-4 intermediates, and 3) 2-3 more advanced.  Each group gathered around one pole in the front row.  There were other poles unavailable in the back row that were unused, but for some reason we grouped up and shared.  Not a plus in my opinion because who wants an audience when you are new at something and suck?  Let me endure my humiliation in semi-private with my own pole in the back row.  But alas it was not to be. The Pole Professor gave each group a move to work on; ours was the most basic, the fireman.  We took turns giving it a whirl.  It is a standard move, you’ve all seen it.  Walk around, twirl, you get it.  The pole spins though, so you start going and at first you don’t know how to slow down.  Think merry-go-round on meth.One girl in the group, we’ll call her the ringer, obviously had quite a pole dancing history and broke out a series of advanced moves.  Bitch this is the beginner group; go play with the intermediates.We clapped for one another, but Lisa and my expressions on the pole read more “clinging for life” than seductive.  The ringer had on short-shorts and showed a substantial slice of cooch splaying her legs like a profesh pole paper chaser.The standing around waiting for a turn pretty much plummeted any sort of physical fitness benefits.  It would have been nice if they had played music so we could dance in between.  The workout itself wasn’t very challenging.  The pole dancing does require specific strengths, and I’m sure we’ll be sore, but how much of that is from whipping our heads around like Tawny Kitaen?I don’t regret going, but I’m not sure I’m dying to perfect the art of pole dancing.  For what?  I’m not hitting amateur night.  I’d sooner die than install a pole in my home, so the potential for growth is rather limited.That said, I’d go again if another friend wanted to check it out.  After another several sessions, I might be able to do a trick or two.  But you will never catch my ass in a booty short.And on that note, the bodies of the instructors were decent, but not spectacular, which gives the impression that pole dancing isn’t going to provide miraculous changes in body shape.In sum, like most things in life pole dancing is worth a go at least once.  Would I add it to my regular work out regime?  No?  Do I think some of the moves are potentially dangerous – like the whipping of the head and neck?  Yes.Ultimately this pole-dancing fitness craze is worth a try, but it is not an ideal long term fitness plan.  Sprinkle it in like you do visits to the strip club – sparingly and not without some shame.