Tag Archives: Dean McDermott

Seen

MYSTERY GIRLSFor research and curiosity’s sake, I watched the first two episodes of Tori Spelling’s new scripted series Mystery Girls.  While one might think a Jennie Garth/Tori Spelling nostalgia combo platter would be comforting, in actuality it’s just depressing (not to mention poorly written).  I’m starting to think Tori Spelling lives her whole life as though it was episodic television.  Skip Mystery Girls in favor of Cabin FeverTori and Dean’s Canadian lake cabin renovation reality show filmed last year before all the cheating drama went public.  Some of the renovation ideas are cute and clever.  The kids show up, and I was so happy to see precious Patsy.  Bear witness to the last days of Tori & Dean.  Trouble finding Cabin Fever?  That’s because the reality-renovation show’s marooned on Great American Country (yeah, apparently that’s a network).  CABIN FEVERI’ve seen Obvious Child.  Twice.  I don’t want to tell you what to think about it, but I recommend you support this movie in the theater.  We need more projects like this one funded and available in wide release.  Gaby Hoffman is everything.  I need her to doula my baby.  Jenny Slate, you were on the brink of alienating us with your conspicuous, showy, enduring display of impossibly toned abs.  OBVIOUS CHILDI finally got around to watching Orange is the New Black.  (Thanks Lisa&Paul.)  Well worth your time, but I warn you binge watching that show locked me into such an incarcerated headspace.  I’m late on the bandwagon, so I won’t bother repeating how well-written, diverse, and interesting OITNB is… just get around to it if you haven’t already.OITNB

 

Dear Tori, I don’t believe you.

(This is an unsolicited letter to Tori Spelling.  It is full of mean-spirited judgment and opinions and shouldn’t be taken seriously.)POOR TORI

Dear Tori,

I’m calling bullshit on you True Tori.  I don’t believe you didn’t know Dean was cheating.  I don’t believe that “Emily Goodhand” is the first and only affair.  If “Emily Goodhand” indeed exists, she’s obviously been paid for her contractually obligated silence.  I suspect there’s been a series of Goodhands in Dean’s pants.TORI DEAN THERAPY

You boo-fucking-hoo in therapy about wanting Dean to nurture you like a baby.  You’re a big girl.  You’re just unaccustomed to difficult times because your whole life has been cushioned by money and fame.  If I had to deal with your needy princess attitude, I would cheat on you too.  Where did you get the misguided notion that you are entitled to a fairy tale when you stole another woman’s husband?  He’s a cheater.  You’re a cheater.  Since you’re both morally lax filthy homewreckers, the demise of your ill-conceived relationship is a surprise to no one (least of all your cast aside ex-spouses).TRUE TORI UGLY CRY

Mrs. McDermott, you claim you can’t express anger.  Please, it’s obvious you are expressing your anger by forcing Dean to participate in a public flogging.  You just didn’t suspect the self-righteous masses to throw a few rotten tomatoes at your hypocritical ass too.  No one buys your poor, poor, Tori reality show narrative arc.  You are not a victim.  You made a series of selfish and immature decisions that have landed you in a shitbox.  You are the architect of your own misfortune.TRUE TORI KITCHEN FIGHT

Tori, I don’t believe you really had a migraine.  Photo-phobia is a common symptom for migraine suffers.  When I have a migraine, the room must be pitchblack.  You were basking in your hospital bed in full makeup with natural light pouring in from the windows in addition to the Lifetime camera crew’s bright-ass lighting rig.  The tide of public opinion has turned so strongly against you that I’m accusing you of scraping the bottom of the pity ploy barrel with a faked health crisis.  As an added bonus, the migraine spell conveniently forced Dean to nurture you like a baby.TORI HOSPITAL

With regard to your parenting, you should be ashamed.  Your own narcissistic desire for fame has clearly usurped the part of your brain and soul that houses your common sense, compassion, self-respect, and maternal instinct.  What kind of mother sells her divorce story despite the damage it will cause her offspring?  Those kids know everything, TRUST.  Thanks to Mom, now the whole mess is saved for posterity in the form of a low-rated Lifetime reality show.DEAN AND HATTIE

As for the future, Dean’s an opportunist.  I don’t think he’s ever cared about anyone but himself.  He isn’t going to change.  He’s not a good actor even when he’s trying to feign contrition to save his own ass.  If you stay together, he will continue to cheat.  If you don’t, you’ll be a divorced mom with 4 kids paying alimony to a cheating ex who’s out banging chicks.DEAN MCDERMOTT CHICKSAs my Mother told me often as a child: life is not fair.  People have suffered far greater tragedies than this.  You’ll survive.  Even though you are acting like a pathetic fool, we still all want the best for you.  Donna Martin Graduates!DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES

With ♥ even though I’m mean,

DC

p.s. that heart sweater is utterly heinous.TORI HEART SWEATER FUG

 

True Tori

TRUE TORIPlease tell me you watched the premiere of True Tori on Lifetime last night.  It was everything.  True Tori proves there are no bounds to Spelling’s self-delusion.  First, we’re all supposed to pretend this is the only time Dean’s cheated.  Tori honey, Dean cheated with you, and he’s been cheating on you.  He’s a big fat cheater.  Yesterday.  Today.  Tomorrow.  Does anyone honestly believe this was an isolated incident?  Dean strikes me as a guy who is as indiscriminately unfaithful as his opportunities.DEAN MCDERMOTTTori had the audacity to say, “Don’t feel sorry for me.”  Oh don’t worry; we don’t.  She complained about raising 4 kids on her own.  Do you think she thought about Dean’s then-wife Mary raising their 2 kids alone when Spelling went husband-snatching on the set of her sad little Lifetime movie 7 years ago?  I suspect not.  In a pathetic ploy to garner undeserved audience sympathy, Spelling shamelessly plays put-upon mommy despite my hunch that she has a fleet of nannies hovering conveniently out of frame to provide behind the scenes support while Deano’s trolls the inpatient ward for his latest conquest. DEAN MARY JOTori and Lindsay must have graduated from the same learning annex course on self-exploitation through bad reality programming.  Both celebrities offer up publicist-curated versions of their mundane lives sprinkled generously with oversharing of their most private personal dramas – all whilst complaining about the constant paparazzi swarm who keep them on the covers of tabloids.  Happy to whore themselves out to a reality show camera crew for personal monetary gain, these bitches clutch their pearls in outrage should anyone else profit off the insatiable interest in their misfortune.  These two skinny bitches must have discovered hypocrisy burns more calories than Adderall.STAR TORI DIVORCE

 

Holiday Gorge

IAMBRITNEYJEANGorged on E!’s I am Britney Jean which proved that behind every vacant, lithiumed, bleach-blond, lip syncher is a fleet of overworked, under-appreciated gay men.  Who among her team of handlers approved this popstar propaganda? Britney’s quite clearly not in the building, ya’ll.  Her retrospective should be called Incoherent. TORI AND DEAN CHEATINGWe didn’t know when, but we knew it would inevitably come: the Dean McDermott cheating allegations.  What an unexpected yuletide gossip gift.  Don’t side-eye me.  Two cheaters get together and I’m supposed to feign surprise when one of them cheats?  Bitch please.  I’ll bathe in this told-you-so through the New Year. DOWNTON ABBEY XMAS 2013As for the Downton Abbey Christmas Special, I’m not sure I’m clear on the details of the monarchy-ruining scandal, but the clothes were EVERYTHING. DOWNTON ABBEY XMAS SPECIAL 2013

 

Tori & Dean: Hola Hattie

Tori enjoyed a charity-laced baby shower with her Mom and friends at the table.  Candy correctly predicted the sex of the baby.  She seemed genuinely happy to be part of the pregnancy this time around.  Count this as one of the very, very, very few genuine moments in a season filled with orchestrated hour-long shill fests.We are supposed to believe that an extra-pregnant Tori set up an elaborate mother-daughter tea party complete with hanging tree decorations, a well-appointed table, and pink frosted cupcakes.  The production assistants on this show must be some of the most thankless and exhausted.Stella was an adorable hostess and fully redeemed herself from any unsavory behavior in the past weeks. The PAs were extra tired setting up the tea party because they spent all night crafting this paper mache volcano for Liam to destroy in thirty seconds while playing scientist with baking soda and vinegar.  Mommy-son time was slightly less touching than the mother-daughter moment, but Liam promised, in his own way, to stop being such an asshole.  Tori and Dean reportedly paid $2.4 million for a little over 2,000 square feet on 1.75 acres of mega-valuable Malibu land.  It is rumored they sold their Encino home featured on the show for $2.5 million, a $450,000 loss from the $2.9 million they reportedly paid in oh-eight.  Think the lingering stench of goat shit had anything to do with the hit they took?Liam was not thrilled with the drastic cut in square footage and protested at the idea of sharing a room with Stella.  I don’t blame him.  He’s what, 2 to 3 years from getting into some serious self-wang touching?  Let the kid have some privacy, jeesh.  Dean wasn’t having any of Liam’s stank attitude even though Tori had second thoughts about the kids’ proposed sleeping arrangement.  Stella declared she’s born to be nice.  Liam was born to be…

Let’s just agree to shelve kids.

Tori couldn’t even take time off from career-waffling to give birth.  This week she designed her own superfug asymmetrical birthing gown with snap-away shoulder. 

This is like a horror movie.  I can’t.  Let’s just move on.

Mom and baby meet for the first time cheek to cheek.

Mehran is thrilled about the fashion possibilities a girl brings. Why are they so rough with the babies?  Chill.  It is a newborn not a salt scrub. 

The big finale involved a lot of glossing over of major events.  We saw none of the house buying-selling negotiations.  Why did Tori’s two girlfriends rep her on the sale of her home, but a different agent repped her on the Malibu purchase?  Did things get messy with the girls?  Also, we weren’t privy to much marriage drama this season, but I don’t think it was for lack of conflict.  Dean’s story arc began and ended with the kitchen.  What’s really going on here?  I smell something funny and it ain’t Dean’s frittatas.  This white-washed version of reality felt like a bunch of staged moments spliced together to create the impression of a perfect life for a perfect sales pitch.  Are we buying?  

Tori & Dean: Stella’s 3

Stella turned three and celebrated with a Hello Kitty-themed bonanza on this penultimate episode of the season.  Who is eating all this cake?  Seriously, that’s enough cake for 300 people. Super mellow as usual, Stella enjoyed rubbing elbows with the offspring of Hollywood’s C-minus-list mom cartel which includes Ali Landry and Denise RichardsDean diddled in the liquid nitrogen.  Candy’s bodyguards brought Tori’s old dollhouse in for Stella.

Dean booked an appearance in Toronto - something having to do with honoring Dads.  Marvel at our short collective memories.  Not long ago this guy deserted his family to run off with Tori, now he’s leading fatherhood rallies?  Later the whole family took a trip to the top of the CN Tower and Liam got busy licking the glass floor.Next week for the big finale, Tori gives birth to Hattie.  So if this reality show is any indication of actual reality (which of course it isn’t), then basically all the McDermotts did from Tori’s first trimester to her last is throw parties.  Somebody has a party planning book to promote.  Jeesh.

Tori & Dean: Old McDermott Had a Farm

Mehran visited Old McDermott’s mini-farm and finally articulated what we’ve all been wondering.  What is the deal with the indoor/outdoor livestock? Do they really think they are going to recreate the Beekman in Encino?  Bitch please.  Do guests just politely pretend her house doesn’t smell like animal feces?Tori countered Mehran’s inquiry by explaining she wanted the kids to grow up around animals.  She doesn’t quite seem to grasp that goats aren’t lap pets – especially when you are four months pregnant. Tori hosted a meeting with HSN product-pusher Pulsar.  During the presentation, Totes McGoats nibbled on the mood boards.  This leads us to Tori’s career lark of the week: parties in a box.  Is anyone else surprised that last week Tori covered the Royal Wedding and this week she’s trying to launch the same business model that made the Middletons their millions?  Tori moves forward with these inane ideas without any sense of self-awareness.  Evidently, no one has the heart to tell her that she lacks the experience, follow through, and commitment to launch any of these half-cocked notions into successful ventures. In a blatant cross-promotional bonanza, Patti Stanger appeared under the pretense of matching MehranTori and Patti sifted through the best of the very limited pool of potential dates and invited them to a mixer.   From there, Mehran chose two guys to meet one-on-one for cocktails.  Mehran conveniently chose the same location for drinks as the surprise baby shower that he and Tori planned for InvenTori manager Sally SmoodyTori and Sally wore conspicuously large hats, and Tori waived her cell phone around wildly as part of the most non-stealth spy mission ever attempted. Tori escorted Sally upstairs and “surprised” her with her shower, which was actually just a huge product placement for her gay husbands’ baby PR firm and her party planning book.  Tori orchestrated a seance for her 38th birthday.  Guests, including Jeff Lewis, came dressed as their favorite horror movie characters.  Tori dressed as Mia Farrow from Rosemary’s Baby, Mehran chose Damien from The Omen, and the one costume that will haunt me in my nightmares: Liam channeled Chucky.  

Tori & Dean: Royal Tantrums

Dean cut his hand open preparing for friends and family night at culinary school. The first week of cooking class Dean biffed his egg dish.  Next he sliced his hand open with a knife creating a wound which required 8 stitches.  Dean’s dreams of his own cooking show are going up in a puff of burned frittata smoke.  Doesn’t really matter anyway since these cooking classes still don’t justify his inclusion in the insipid couple segments the content-desperate entertainment shows insist on airing. After complimenting Stella on her good behavior last week, she had to go and blow it with an embarrassing meltdown in dance class. Despite her condition, Tori threw a Royal Wedding Slumber Party where she planned to stay up all night with her gays and staff.  Access Hollywood stopped by for a chat, and then the gang snuggled into the sofa for Kate and Will’s union.  Long live Queen Patsy!Tori lightly dozed on and off through the nuptials and capped the morning with a traditional English breakfast courtesy of Chef McDermott.  With just a wisp of sleep under her pregnant belly, she ran off to film the Fashion Police Royal Wedding Special.Tori suffered a bout of self doubt when she learned that Mel B was 2 months further along in her pregnancy than Tori yet appeared significantly smaller in the belly.In the disorganization that is the McDermott asshole Baby Farm, Tori misplaced the dance bag, and the hunt had the whole family in a late tizzy to get to the dance recital.For this week’s date night, Dean prepared a surprise meal for Tori in The Grill’s kitchen.  While in the kitchen, Dean admitted he had doubts about his commitment to a future in professional food preparation.  For a man in his mid-forties, Dean flits among interests like a college undergrad searching for a major.Tori showed off some parenting skills by working a little reverse psychology on a resistant Liam during a photo shoot for Babytalk magazine.  She obviously learned a lot about coaxing divas dealing with that demanding bitch Brian Austin Green during the BH 90210 days.  On the second shoot for Parenting magazine, Liam threw another fit over his assigned role as Charlie Chaplin, but Dean lured him in with the promise of a mustache.

Tori & Dean: The Chicken or the Preg?

Pregnancy speculation themed this week’s Tori & Dean yet again.  Since this child was born months ago, do we really care?May I comment on the fact that Stella is like the most delightful child ever?  I have yet to see her throw a tantrum, and I’ve been watching closely.  Even Liam is less of an asshole this season.  That Adderall-laced breakfast cereal must be working. The last press-heavy event scheduled to take place during Tori’s first trimester was the GLAAD Awards.  This bitch obviously has no fucking idea of how to disguise a pregnancy with intelligent fashion choices.  Tori thought it appropriate to wear a shiny black tent attached to a Wilma Flintstone-style set of oversized gold pearls.  The dress draped over her bump and the shiny fabric betrayed her secret.  Who needs a confirmation?  This fug dress is the confirmation.  Oh, and she took the chicken.  It was Dean’s turn to spin the career wheel this week and his arrow landed on “culinary student.”  Because every opportunist actor needs a back up plan, Dean decided to enroll in a culinary arts program to secure his future as a sous chef.

He fucked up his first frittata.

After getting the clear from her long-suffering OBGYN, Tori decided to scoop the gossip weeklies and announce the pregnancy on her own Twitter feed.  Then she thoroughly enjoyed taking a fame bath in her self-drawn trending-topic tub.Naturally, Kathie Lee was butt-hurt over Tori denying the pregnancy to her face on the 4th hour, but a bouquet of flowers and a cheeky note seemed to smooth things over.