Tag Archives: Demeter Clarc Manners Moment

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: None of My Biznass

ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESSThis past weekend I was put in a weird predicament.  I am friendly with a couple.  I know the woman professionally, and she’s taken a liking to me.  Her live-in boyfriend also hangs around enough that I’ve gotten to know him fairly well.  They both take my class, so there’s also a student-teacher dynamic at play.SNL LOVAHSI must have a disarming effect on the woman, because lately almost every time I see her alone she collapses into a puddle of tears.  She cries over various aspects of her relationship and life.  I mostly just listen and hold her as she sobs.  This past weekend, boyfriend shows up to class alone and asks to see me after for a chat.  He begins the conversation by asking for my mentorship in his learning process, but then he veered off sharply into discussing the current strains on his relationship.  Two friends, both have asked for my advice, and I want to stay the fuck out of their relationship because this is CLEARLY NONE OF MY BIZNASS.STAY OUT OF IT CHARLOTTEThe less evolved me would have insinuated myself into the situation because I was nosy and controlling.  The better version of me has the good sense to see any involvement with this scenario is rife with conflict.NOSYI listened to boyfriend talk about his relationship.  I asked him a few neutral questions that I thought might set off his own self-inquiry.  Then I wrote down my therapist’s number and said you should really consider talking to a professional about this.MADE IN CHELSEA THERAPYThese overshares leave me in a weird and awkward position.  As much as I appreciate their trust, this pair should really pay a professional listener to help them work out their personal problems instead of inappropriately cornering me at work.It’s flattering to be asked for advice, but I’m slowly learning the wisdom of putting my ego and opinion aside and keeping my mouth shut when the matter is none of my concern. DR LAURA

 

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: cue compassion

FUTURAMA SOCIAL CUESAt work yesterday, I had an encounter with a man illiterate at reading basic social cues.  My unqualified armchair diagnosis is that he may suffer from a mild form of Asperger syndrome.  This is my second interaction with him, and I suspect that I will continue to see him professionally in the future.  I have compassion for this man, but he makes me uncomfortable.  After we complete our initial salutations, he just stands there and stares intently and asks inappropriate questions.  His inquiry is well-meaning, but invasive.  I struggle with how to respond.  The awkwardness is compounded by the presence of other people listening.  Even though I intentionally break eye contact and busy myself with other matters, he just. keeps. staring.  The boundary-crossing interrogation continues until he is forced to stop by interruption of someone else requiring my attention.  He is at once creepy, annoying, and harmless.   STARING PROBLEMClearly the universe has repeatedly put this man in my path to teach me a lesson.  Patience?  Compassion?  A test of my ability to maintain my own healthy limits when challenged?  While I try to decipher this dharmic dickslap, I’ll try to remain polite yet resolved in the protection of my own privacy and integrity.  Any additional insights from DC readers with experience in such matters is always valued and appreciated. SUPERIOR EMOTIONAL IQ

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Post About Your Friends Without Permission

BACKSTABBERWow.  I really shit the bed you guys.  A couple of weeks ago, I threw up a post willy nilly that hurt my friend’s feelings.  I’m concerned I’ve done irreparable damage to the relationship.  I’m heartsick at the thought because I truly love, value, respect, and honor this person.  This woman is generous, kind, intelligent, caring, and fun, so I’m a real asshole for hurting her feelings.DON'T BE MADOver dinner with other friends, one of my nearest and dearest leveled that she thought is was definitely off-side that I hadn’t given our other friend a head’s up on the post.  Duly Noted.  In fairness, if someone put me on blast on the internet, I would be IRATE.  Hypocrisy is just another of my more charming qualities.A TRUE FRIENDMy friend is super pissed and she has every right to be.  I have apologized in writing because she understandably isn’t interested in talking to me right now.  I hope she gives me the opportunity to make amends in person.  I make really good amends.FORGIVE METo this dear and cherished friend:  I apologize.  I was wrong.  I mishandled the situation.  My intention was never to hurt you, and I feel terribly that I did through my own thoughtlessness.  I hope you will forgive me because you are like a sister.I'M SORRYIf it makes you feel better you can call me a bitch on Facebook.  I deserve it.CALL ME A BITCH

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: The Noid

CAT AND BRAINS

Okay, so the Halloween Party last night was super fun.  Good Group.  Except for one.  You know the one.  That one motherfucker nobody likes: the Noid. THE NOIDHe would splooge into the circle, and I would politely duck elsewhere.  Illiterate to basic social cues, when this dude approaches, people look around nervously.  He’s a loud, rude, narcissistic, interrupting attention hog.  He eyefucks the women and cock compares men.  He’s that guy.HATE THAT GUY

And my friend is dating him.  Uhggg.TEEN MOM 3

When I was younger and more naive, I would have tried to fervently convince her that this dude was at best annoying and at worst predatory, but now I’m wise enough to know that it would do no good.  I’ve learned you just have to put up with the obnoxious people your friends date and hope none marries the Noid.

OWL AND GANESHA

No matter how gross, unfaithful, violent, offensive, or irritating your friend’s fucktoy is, you just have to put up with him until they get tired of fornicating.  Once the delusion of lust wears off, hopefully your smart friend will see this asshole for who he is – an embarrassing douche.

cid_444

In addition to getting bossy with my friend, the younger, dumber me would have allowed aforementioned asshole to drag me into his asshole Olympics during which I would have felt compelled to win the gold medal in assholery.  The older and tireder me has no extra energy for such fuckery.  A confrontation would have fueled his attention-suck and ruined my fun time.  So when he appeared, I disappeared.  Nothing needles an attention whore like non-reaction.

NOT THE NOID

 HALLOWEEN FIRESIDE

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: acceptable invitations

HALLOWEEN PARTY INVITESI’m co-hosting a Halloween party this year and I’ve begun to disseminate invites.  Some people I encourage in person, a few I email, some I text, but regardless of how I contact them I can clearly picture the bitchface each of them makes when they learn a costume is required.  And I’ve got a bitchface for them in return.  Once a God Damn year, that’s it, just suck it up and wear a costume.  Flex your atrophied creativity muscles and dig deep into the reaches of your overstuffed closet.  Don’t tell me there isn’t something you can throw together to wear.  I resent inviting people to shit and they act like it is such a chore.  Lately, my generous invitations have been returned with an ungrateful side order of “here’s how you can accommodate me” from the guest.  Come or don’t, but don’t act like this party is a celebration of you.  An invitation should be received with a “thank you for inviting me, I look forward to it” or “thank you for inviting me, I have a conflict.”  No further extrapolation needed.  And don’t forget our Leah Love wants an RSVP bitches!HALLOWEEN MAKE UP

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: don’t stand so close to me.

STANDING IN LINELately, a number of pushy women have been breathing down my neck.  I am a person who needs a minimum of a 24″ buffer between my body and anybody else.  A couple of weeks ago at the airport, I was walking through security.  The huffy woman behind me kept pushing me with her bag.  One bump is an accident.  Two bumps gets an eyeroll.  Three bumps deserves an audible exhale.  Bump me again and your ass is going to get bumped back (lest I remind you of the 2012 Music Midtown Beatdown.)  HAIR PULLToday at the post office this older woman was literally breathing down my neck.  I use “literally” correctly and appropriately here as I could feel the bitch’s hot breath draping my shoulders like a death shroud.   Does standing thisclose make these huffy muffies feel like they are going to get through the line any sooner?  LADY IN THE FRONT WILL CUT YOUI naturally can’t help but antagonize these self-important cows by doubling the distance between myself and the person in front of me just to drive home the point.  Stop tailgaiting bitch.  This ain’t a BBQ.CREEPY SMILE

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Don’t Raise a Dickhead

KIDS YOGARecently, I invited kids to join a class I usually teach for adults.  I’m not a fan of pandering to children, so I expect the youngsters attending my class will demonstrate a modicum of self-control and respect.  In general, I treat kids as capable beings.  That’s why I blame parents when I observe many children have not been taught how to properly greet another human.MEET THE KIDSFor example I’ll say: “Hi kids, welcome to class, nice to see you again.  Thanks for joining us.”  No eye contact.  No response.  These children range in age from 6-10 years old and are quite capable of an age-appropriate level of social interaction with adults.  The accompanying parent, a highly intelligent, insightful, and successful person, makes no effort to corral the children for a proper greeting.  I find this unbelievably shocking.  Without exception, children must learn to respectfully acknowledge adults.  I need some eye contact and a bonjour at the very least.  PLEASED TO MEET YOUEven though it is fully possible that the kiddos ignore me because I’m a child-hating cunt, I’ll just humbly offer that no one is twisting their arms to come to this class and they attend quite voluntarily and enthusiastically.  So even though I am a mean witch, I haven’t revealed my broom to the little ones just yet.  This clearly isn’t a personal rebuff, but routinely rude behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids just haven’t been taught proper manners.  HI THEREObviously, parents resent advice from non-parents, but non-parents resent having to deal with rude children, so let’s just agree to call it even.  Remember: little assholes grow up to be big assholes.  We are all counting on you not to raise a dickhead.  Don’t let us down.    HOW RUDE

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Graciousness

GRACIOUSLuckily lately, I’ve been on the receiving end of a number of kind gestures.  I’m seeing someone new (Hi Ty).  He opens EVERY door.  He doesn’t make a grand show of it, and he doesn’t just do it when other people are watching.  That said,  you should see the jealous looks of the lady onlookers and the shame-drenched expressions smeared across the faces of their discourteous mates when he gallantly walks out of his way to my side of the car and gently guides me inside. CAR DOORLast weekend in Chicago, The French Pastry School’s newest intern, my dear friend Michael, walked me back to my hotel late-night style even though it was out of his way.  Before you chalk it all up to unabashed pussy collecting, let me stop you there.  He’s gay, in a committed relationship, and could give a fuck about my puffed pastry.  He did it because he is kind and gracious.  If you are a certain kind of man, it’s just what you do. THE FRENCH PASTRY SCHOOL

Accepting an open door doesn’t mean you are a helpless waif who can’t open it yourself.  Nobody is asking you to give away your power.  Find the power in receiving. COAT ON THE PUDDLE

In the spirit of graciousness, let someone ease your burdens and seize opportunities to ease the burdens of others.  In a hate-filled and spiteful world, shock others with good old-fashioned courtesy. JACKET HELP

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: to Return or not to Return Broken Bondage?

Recently, I bought a sex toy online.  It wasn’t a vibrator or a dildo.  It was this weird spreader bondage contraption.  Anyway, in case my little Midtown Meltdown indicated otherwise, I’m strong as fuck.  I destroyed the bondage toy before my first orgasm.  I  literally tore the flimsy binding completely apart.  The inner-rod detached from the larger outer rod.  I snapped the chains in two.  This bitch don’t play.

For a variety of reasons, I don’t return items very often even when I’m dissatisfied. However, I’m super pissed, stunned, and profoundly disappointed that this expensive, but crappy accouterment disintegrated at my first healthy tug.  Shouldn’t a bondage toy effectively bind?  Weak Sauce.

Stymied by my dilemma, I asked around to see what others thought was appropriate in regard to initiating a refund.  Let me be crystal clear here: no bodily fluids touched the device.  Indeed, I destroyed it before anyone climaxed or even felt much of a tickle.  (By the way, even if the thing hadn’t broken, the spreader didn’t actually spread enough, so skip this amateur shit and get your favorite lesbian to build you a sturdy custom device from Home Depot.)The overwhelming response from a sampling of trusted advisers was to indeed return the overpriced janky novelty to the allegedly reputable website that sold it to me.  I packed it up piece by piece, making sure every broken part made it back into the box in some semblance of its original form and shipped it back to the sex toy graveyard. Now let’s see if the site actually refunds the cost of this crap.  This junk was over $75 or I probably wouldn’t have bothered at all.