Is is with much regret that I inform you that Joan Crawford, the little pink laptop that could, is struggling to take her last breath. It would be unjust to labor her with another post in her condition. I must set forth to find her replacement today. 
If it were not for Joan Crawford, Demeter Clarc could not be. Let’s all pay her a brief tribute for her tireless service. We will never forget when she arrived on that fateful Valentine’s Day. It’s the end of a rose-colored era, darling. Today is for you dear Joan. 
When you bump me say, “excuse me.” When I politely say, “excuse me,” move your ass and let me through.
Don’t come stand directly in front of me, rudely block my view, and then say, “who is this playing?”
Don’t fucking sing along. 
Don’t shout. I could give a fuck about your favorite song in the set. 
Stop weaving through the crowd holding hands in an obnoxious twenty person chain.
Don’t push. I will shank you bitch.
1) Before long the unrequited love will get requited or rejected. The mere act of Boss Lady finally choosing among her minions will diffuse the sexual tension. My first piece of advice with regard to hanging on to the job: wait out this weird energetic vortex and the dynamic will change. 
2) I strongly discourage you from hanging out at work when you aren’t working. Beyond the obvious unprofessional implications, it ruins your mystique by making it look like you have no life outside of work. If you do end up flirting and/or fucking anybody at work then all the coworkers and regulars will know. Why set up a potentially messy and undignified situation? For what? A sloppy one night stand? Plus, dudes that spend their evenings wooing a desperate divorcee are so beneath you. 
3) I predict the stool warmers are bored disarming Boss Lady with semi-sincere compliments, especially if their efforts have yet to yield even a lousy beej. Without engaging in job-endangering flirtation, you can still bask in the shine of the hanger-ons attention by completely ignoring them. Yup, the more you blow these dudes off, the more they will work to wear you down. I’m not suggesting you act like a snob, just meet them with polite indifference. Make them work HARD for it girl. Nobody is a challenge anymore. You’ll get a kick out of watching the lengths they’ll go to win you over. 
4) Once Boss Lady and her bitch brigade see that you don’t dissolve into a puddle of giggles and swoon every time an attractive man fancies you, they will be forced (even while choking on bitter pettiness) to respect you. Furthermore, your disinterest in this obvious cock display will make them question their own overvaluation of these sad little stool warmers. 
I’ve been waiting for the dust to settle on this season of The Real L Word. Romi, Whitney, and the boring baby couple are back with a bunch of new bitches. After the first two episodes, Whitney’s already wifed up with Sara. Sexually indiscriminate Romi’s predictably returned to riding dick. I’m not even sure I like this show anymore. Kiyomi and her Hunter Valentine lead singer syndrome, dunno about all that. 
Some asshole in Colorado gave us another good reason not to go to the movies. We don’t get too political here at DC, but with instances like this latest mass shooting, gun control remains more of a logical issue than a political one. Human beings aren’t responsible. We keep demonstrating this. And before you get all 2nd Amendment on my ass, let me ask you. What about my right to attend a public function and not get shot to death? With great freedom comes great responsibility. That said, movies like We Need to Talk About Kevin teach us you don’t need guns to go on a killing spree. A fucked-up person will find a weapon if there is intent to destroy. Let’s not turn this into a gun control debate when the issue is actually much deeper, more sinister, and cuts to the very core of what it means to be human.
Loyal readers may have noticed a shift in the posting schedule. The internet service is less reliable in my current abode. Posts will be regular, they may just come at different times. I appreciate your patience with change. Check back often and you may find a surprise. Got any requests? Those of you who have written lately, I hear you! I’m behind. I love you, and I’m not ignoring you. 
I’ve stuck to my pledge not to buy any new cosmetic or beauty products. It feels really good to hit the bottom of a bottle and recycle it knowing I’m depleting my hoarder stash, reducing waste, and getting the most out of the investment. I’m really learning what products I love and what I can do without which is another great angle to this resolution. I’ll tell you what I’m for sure going to miss when it is gone – Obagi Professional-C Serum 20%. A few weeks ago I reported preliminary satisfaction with this product and my affection for this super-effective serum has only grown. It legitimately improves skin texture and fades discoloration. From my view, it is one of the few pricey serums that warrants a splurge. 
As many of you know, I served as a bridesmaid on Friday. I wore the matching dress – the whole bit. This wedding was one of the most fun I’ve been to, which in all honesty, was an unexpected surprise. The whole event got me thinking of the best and worst ceremonies I’ve attended, and what makes some of these events sing while others are off key. After much nuptial analysis and observation, I humbly offer these considerations when either planning or attending a ceremony. 
A chill bride goes a long way in making a wedding day bearable for everyone else. What makes for a relaxed bride? An attentive bridal party. As a bridesmaid your only job is to say “What do you need? What can I get you? You are the most beautiful.” The rest of the time anticipate the needs of the bride and her parents. Remember that attending a wedding as a bridesmaid is a job. It doesn’t end until the bride pulls away from the reception. My devotion was so unwavering that I hoisted the bride’s dress up while she peed and lifted her train up all night so it wouldn’t drag in the mud. 
I lost a strap on my shoe and improvised with a ribbon and kept it moving. I doubt anyone really noticed, and I even got a few compliments on my shoes. Some guests thought it was a creative fashion statement, which really isn’t that farfetched since I’ve been known to wear some pretty fucking random shit on occasion. Thankfully, I found the strap of my brand new Jeffrey Campbells later that night. 
Expect at least one bridesmaid, close female friend, or relative to come completely unhinged before or during the big day. The myriad motivations behind these dramatics vary greatly, but typically include at the very least jealousy, existential crisis, groom hating, Peter Pan Syndrome, and more. Don’t bother trying to root out the ire. Just distance yourself from the negativity. Wait until after the honeymoon to decide if the behavior is a relationship deal-breaker. 
Friction between the bride’s dad and the groom isn’t exactly uncommon. Most of that tension can be dealt with early and honestly if the groom nuts up and asks Dad for the bride’s hand. Some will find this antiquated. Let me be perfectly clear – the conversation is not some fucked up cow-trading dowry conversation. The purpose of the chat is to provide the opportunity for any parental concerns to be voiced. It is also a gesture of respect and goes a long way in garnering good will. Gays should talk to parents too if feasible under the particular circumstances. 
Speaking of gays, have some sensitivity to the fact that your best gay friends may be really sick of attending straight weddings when most cannot legally marry themselves. 
We’ve discussed buffets here on DC before. As far as I’m concerned, buffets = barffets. Consider family style, served plated, or heavy hors d’oeuvres as an alternative. Don’t you find passed tray hors d’oeuvres kind of awkward for both server and guest? Ask yourself when you’ve ever truly been thrilled with a buffet, and then admit that wedding buffets are notoriously bad. 
What is it with the limp-ass sauteed vegetable medley? I love vegetables, but this oft-presented dish is a good reason why they get a bad reputation. Food must be delicious, appropriately hot or cold, and of a large variety. Provide fruits, vegetables, cheeses, nuts, and yummy bread, in addition to other options, so those with specific dietary needs can negotiate the meal without a fuss. 
Much more to come on weddings and more little doves. The internet is finally up and running in my new nest, so expect a full posting schedule moving forward. Thanks again for your kindness and commitment. 
How exciting is this whole Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes split? Is it just a coincidence the marriage lasted right around 5 years just like the rumored contract? Let’s hope with the end of this marriage comes the end of Katie’s blank-ass expression, mediocre clothing line, and non-acting career. She used to be so adorable and ripe with potential and talent. Rumored reasons for the split? Tom sending Suri to Sea Org?! Surveillance assigned to Tom’s adopted daughter Isabella?! Isolation insisted upon by the Church of Scientology?
Some juicy morsels are bound to surface from the swirl of this sure-to-be messy separation. In the meantime, we’ll just count the days until Suri’s tell-all. You know Travolta has got to be relieved to have the Church leaders distracted with this new wave of bad press and defection.
Did you catch the premiere of season 2 of Episodes this week? I watched season 1 of this weird little series last year and was hesitant to recommend it to you because the pace is a bit glacial in the beginning. I wasn’t a Friends fan, so I’m not recommending the Matt LaBlanc show out of some sort of misplaced loyalty. The supporting players are the true highlight – particularly Daisy Haggard, who basically makes me shit my pants every time she appears on screen. Episodes is worth a watch, especially when conveniently paired with….
Thanks for your patience during the big move! Back atcha shortly.
Hey ya’ll just wanted to let you know we hit a major milestone today here at 
I got the sweetest email day before yesterday from Demeter Clarc reader Cora.
Cora, before you even get into formatting and hosting decisions, you have to ask yourself a hard question. Can you create enough content to nourish the site everyday? A website of this nature requires enormous commitment. If you want traffic, you must post. No excuses.
Personal taste dictates most formatting decisions. Despite numerous substantial offers, I’m not interested in selling advertising space. Demeter Clarc is an exercise of free speech. I’m against corrupting the site with commercial interests or renting any real estate to bottom feeders. When I recommend, it is important to me that the readers know that I’m giving an unbiased opinion free from agenda. I don’t do this for profit, so if you are looking to get rich, you shoulda written to Michael K. who is legitimately earning his living writing his genius (and personally inspiring) Dlisted.
Demeter Clarc comes to life through WordPress. It is relatively user-friendly and there are plenty of advice forums to help answer any specific questions. Once you get in and start working with the program, pick a theme – basically how your website will visually appear to the readers. I picked a very simple theme and removed even more of the default gadgetry for the super clean look. 
Demeter Clarc exists as a very specific artistic visual and written experience. That is why she is special and unlike other sites. Cora, find a way to boldly differentiate your site too. I look forward to your offerings. Please promise to keep me posted and thanks again for writing. 
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