Tag Archives: dirty

Dirty Dinner with Dez

DEZI love my friend Dez.  She’s one of the most generous, kind, and attentive friends in my circle.  I was utterly delighted when she asked me to dinner last night at a nearby bar.  This place isn’t fancy, but I wouldn’t call it a “dive” per se.  Local bar.  Bar food.  Hipsters, but still sports on screens.  You get it.  THE WHORNETSo Dez orders her buffalo burger, and I order my veggie burger.  The dry house-made black bean burger is not spectacular, but palatable.  I didn’t specifically ask, but Dez seemed content enough with her buffalo meat.  Neither of us finished our food, but we didn’t send it back either.  BURGERAs we are winding up our meal, a shocked and curious look came over Dez’s face.  My back was to a long row of windows facing the street, so I figured one of her Plenty-of-Fishermen passed by or something.


“There’s a roach on the wall.”  She replied calmly.  Dez is a fantastic nurse, so she knows how to maintain composure when lesser women might squeal with girlish horror.  I turned and at shoulder height, in no particular rush, was an inch long roach.  I immediately switched seats away from our little friend and stared incredulously at its unmitigated gall.  This isn’t the roach prom, why are you out here parading around little guy?ROACH PROMWe had already turned our payment over to the waitress.  She brought around our charge slips.  I pulled her in closer, looked her in the eyes, and said “there’s a roach on the wall.”  She looked up and said, “Oh, I’ll tell the manager.”  WAITRESSAnd that was it.  No reaction.  No capturing and killing of the roach.  No apologetic manager.  No apologetic waitress.  No begging to keep this little incident off Yelp.  Concerning non-reaction, no?CLOSED

dirty door

Unless you have a fleet of housekeepers like Joan Crawford, even the most well-kept homes have areas where filth inevitably accumulates.  Doors are often overlooked.  While germaphobes have made wiping the door knob de rigueur, the door itself retains its unsightly grime.  The best part of cleaning your door is that it is super easy.  For most doors, a good wipe down with a surface-appropriate cleaner produces gleaming like-new results.  You’ll be surprised how much funk you dislodge during this oddly gratifying tidy moment.


I can’t hear the word “swab” without immediately thinking of Patty Chase instructing Angela on how to extract her zit.  “Just the word, swab.”  God I love that show, but this is not another MSCL post.  Nope, today I extol the virtues of the alcohol swab.  So simple: a small alcohol saturated pad that cleans the tiniest grimiest places without leaving a residue.  Some of you immediately recoil because the sight of a swab packet sends you straight to vaccination land.  Relax, nobody is going to give you a tetanus booster okay?  Though your ass probably needs one. I’m talking absterge the cell, sterilize the remote, polish the Kindle.  These little squares are marvelous for de-gunking your favorite electronics.  Your laptop keyboard is crying for a cleaning.  For some of you, every time you pull out the air duster you end up on a Demi Moore Detour.  I’ve been to that party.  These handy, inexpensive little packets of joy are great for travel too.  Sanitize the remote in your hotel room.  Get the wax out of your ears.  Alcohol swabs make refreshing ear cleaners.  Use them to disinfect your manicure tools, eye lash curler, and tweezers.  Really, the applications are endless.  Throw a few in your bag and wonder how you ever survived in this filthy world without them.

fuck cats

Cat lovers scroll on through.  I’m about to go on an anti-cat rant that’s going to make your pussy hurt. (Michael, Katie, I mean it.)  Why am I filled with feline vitriol you ask?  Because I spent the day bleach mopping cat piss out of sub-flooring, that’s why.  WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH CAT PISS ANYWAY?I know, I know, you love your cat.  Your cat does for you what no person could.  I get it.  Do you get that when cats get old they piss everywhere and it is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to remove the smell?  Do you realize a nuclear apocalypse would not eradicate that stank of cat pee from your apartment?  In addition to destroying your home with their incontinence, cats can transmit diseases and parasites to people including, but not limited to: Toxoplasmosis, Leptospira, the Plague, Rabies, roundworm, hookworm, ringworm, Salmonella, and tapeworm.  Yeah, keep letting kitty climb all over your kitchen.  Add a side order of tapeworm to that PB&J. As you all know, I’m a staunch defender of our animal friends.  I don’t eat or wear them.  But I also don’t keep any pets for a variety of reasons.  Do I really hate cats?  No.  Do I really hate irresponsible dirty-ass cat owners?  Fuck yes.  And while I’m getting up after all you pet owners, dog people CLEAN UP FIDO’S SHIT.  Why don’t I take a dump on your lawn?  How about that?  Fucking gross yo.