Tag Archives: dogs

Things my friends do that I don’t understand

ESSENCE OF ASSHOLEI have a friend who takes baths in hotels, and not high-end ones either.  The kind where it is likely someone OD’d in the bathtub.BUBBLE BATHI have friends who lock their pets away all day and then accuse me of “not being an animal person.”  At least I didn’t have one for lunch, and there isn’t one locked away in a tiny dark room in my house like the Devil’s Issue in Flowers in the Attic. MEOW KITTYI have a friend with 7 figures in the bank who won’t spring for a 4 day dress rental for a black tie event.ETRO SPRING 2014 RTWI have a friend who claims to want to visit an Indian ashram, but complains about carrying her yoga mat around Telluride.HIPSTER YOGI FEET

One Nation Under Dog

You guys seen this challenging yet interesting documentary One Nation Under Dog on HBO yet?  The film takes a layered look at humankind’s relationship with canines for better and worse.  I don’t have pets for a variety of reasons: most are messy, they make it difficult to travel, and truthfully I think it is a little desperate and insecure to bribe an animal with food and shelter in exchange for unconditional love.  On the flip side, I had one close friend who said my lack of pet ownership growing up counts among my greatest character defects.  I had a horse, so he can fuck off.  Anyway, One Nation Under Dog only reinforces my belief that pet ownership is often more selfish than selfless. While memorable and heartbreaking (prepare for dead puppies), the documentary leaves room for you to form your own impression and opinion.  Whether you love dogs or hate them, don’t miss this exceptional movie. 

fuck cats

Cat lovers scroll on through.  I’m about to go on an anti-cat rant that’s going to make your pussy hurt. (Michael, Katie, I mean it.)  Why am I filled with feline vitriol you ask?  Because I spent the day bleach mopping cat piss out of sub-flooring, that’s why.  WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH CAT PISS ANYWAY?I know, I know, you love your cat.  Your cat does for you what no person could.  I get it.  Do you get that when cats get old they piss everywhere and it is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to remove the smell?  Do you realize a nuclear apocalypse would not eradicate that stank of cat pee from your apartment?  In addition to destroying your home with their incontinence, cats can transmit diseases and parasites to people including, but not limited to: Toxoplasmosis, Leptospira, the Plague, Rabies, roundworm, hookworm, ringworm, Salmonella, and tapeworm.  Yeah, keep letting kitty climb all over your kitchen.  Add a side order of tapeworm to that PB&J. As you all know, I’m a staunch defender of our animal friends.  I don’t eat or wear them.  But I also don’t keep any pets for a variety of reasons.  Do I really hate cats?  No.  Do I really hate irresponsible dirty-ass cat owners?  Fuck yes.  And while I’m getting up after all you pet owners, dog people CLEAN UP FIDO’S SHIT.  Why don’t I take a dump on your lawn?  How about that?  Fucking gross yo.