Tag Archives: dogs

mizz tudie denkins

I’ve been dogsitting my best friend’s dog Tudie Denkins this week.  She is a 2 lb Maltese and the sweetest most lovable little dog you could ever meet.  I’ve enjoyed having her so much.  She follows me around, sits on my lap, sleeps curled up next to me in my armpit.  She doesn’t really bark.  She definitely never bites.  She just loves and sleeps.  That’s her jam, and that’s why I agreed to keep her while my friend was away.  CAM00859In having her in my home, I’ve realized a few other things about dog ownership.  It’s unexpectedly nice to have a reason to wake up and go right outside, breathe the morning air, and take my little pal on a walk.  Ditto with the night time routine and getting outside for fresh air before bed.  Tudie’s such a little cutie that no one can resist her.  I’ve met so many new people this week because of her adorable mug.  I have to return little Tudie back to her Ma tomorrow and it will be super hard to let her go.  It’s nice to have a warm little companion.  I get it dog people.  I get it.  Woof.CAM00852

I don’t want to pet your dog

EVA MENDES DOGIt’s that time of year again, the weather is warm and all the dog owners have their canines on parade.  Other than shitting everywhere and the occasional mauling, I have no real problem with dogs.  Their owners, well that’s another story.  I have a friend who compulsively pets every dog she sees.  Hiking with this girl can take an extra minute depending on how many dogs we encounter.  I understand dog people meet each other this way, but I don’t want to pet your dog.  When I don’t bend down to gush, owners look at me like I’m calling their firstborn child retarded.  Today, this girl had her puppy leashed to the fence during lunch – obviously baiting us with puppy cuteness.  She acted annoyed when people “interrupted” her to fuss over her adorable babydog.  You’re the one rolling one puppy deep on a sunny Saturday you attention-seeking bitch.  Eyeroll.     RIHANNA OLIVERBack in college, I had this dumbass friend Marisha who was wandering around the city one hot summer day.  A dog was locked inside a car with the windows cracked.  Well-meaning Marisha, concerned for the pup, administered water from her plastic water bottle through the window crack.  During the attempted hydrating, the ungrateful twatdog bit her hand.  Moral of the story: other people’s dogs aren’t for you.

DOG IN CARAnd pick up your pooch poo.PICK UP POO

Things my friends do that I don’t understand

ESSENCE OF ASSHOLEI have a friend who takes baths in hotels, and not high-end ones either.  The kind where it is likely someone OD’d in the bathtub.BUBBLE BATHI have friends who lock their pets away all day and then accuse me of “not being an animal person.”  At least I didn’t have one for lunch, and there isn’t one locked away in a tiny dark room in my house like the Devil’s Issue in Flowers in the Attic. MEOW KITTYI have a friend with 7 figures in the bank who won’t spring for a 4 day dress rental for a black tie event.ETRO SPRING 2014 RTWI have a friend who claims to want to visit an Indian ashram, but complains about carrying her yoga mat around Telluride.HIPSTER YOGI FEET

One Nation Under Dog

You guys seen this challenging yet interesting documentary One Nation Under Dog on HBO yet?  The film takes a layered look at humankind’s relationship with canines for better and worse.  I don’t have pets for a variety of reasons: most are messy, they make it difficult to travel, and truthfully I think it is a little desperate and insecure to bribe an animal with food and shelter in exchange for unconditional love.  On the flip side, I had one close friend who said my lack of pet ownership growing up counts among my greatest character defects.  I had a horse, so he can fuck off.  Anyway, One Nation Under Dog only reinforces my belief that pet ownership is often more selfish than selfless. While memorable and heartbreaking (prepare for dead puppies), the documentary leaves room for you to form your own impression and opinion.  Whether you love dogs or hate them, don’t miss this exceptional movie. 

fuck cats

Cat lovers scroll on through.  I’m about to go on an anti-cat rant that’s going to make your pussy hurt. (Michael, Katie, I mean it.)  Why am I filled with feline vitriol you ask?  Because I spent the day bleach mopping cat piss out of sub-flooring, that’s why.  WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH CAT PISS ANYWAY?I know, I know, you love your cat.  Your cat does for you what no person could.  I get it.  Do you get that when cats get old they piss everywhere and it is FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE to remove the smell?  Do you realize a nuclear apocalypse would not eradicate that stank of cat pee from your apartment?  In addition to destroying your home with their incontinence, cats can transmit diseases and parasites to people including, but not limited to: Toxoplasmosis, Leptospira, the Plague, Rabies, roundworm, hookworm, ringworm, Salmonella, and tapeworm.  Yeah, keep letting kitty climb all over your kitchen.  Add a side order of tapeworm to that PB&J. As you all know, I’m a staunch defender of our animal friends.  I don’t eat or wear them.  But I also don’t keep any pets for a variety of reasons.  Do I really hate cats?  No.  Do I really hate irresponsible dirty-ass cat owners?  Fuck yes.  And while I’m getting up after all you pet owners, dog people CLEAN UP FIDO’S SHIT.  Why don’t I take a dump on your lawn?  How about that?  Fucking gross yo.