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Rodger took Jeremiah to the 7,000 square foot rental that Zoe insisted on leasing in anticipation of the baby’s arrival. This decision makes no sense on a variety of levels. For one, why spend oodles on furniture for a rental? Second, what newborn needs 7,000 square feet? Don’t newborns basically inhabit one foot of space surrounding their mother or father for the first several months of their lives? Not to mention stylistically the house is totally unlike anything Rachel and Rodger have dwelled in previously. All these considerations notwithstanding, in typical Team Zoe fashion, Rodger gave Jeremiah a two week deadline to complete the daunting assignment. Jeremiah looked like he might pop a vessel when Rodger declared that completing the project on the super accelerated time line was his problem.
Rachel got a last minute call to style a shoot for Kim Kardashian. Realizing the enormity of the ass she needed to cover, Rachel called Joey and Jeremiah for an emergency meeting at Zoe headquarters. Joey received the call from dispatch and gave Jeremiah all of ten minutes to wipe the sleep out of his eyes and sculpt his Robert Pattinson ‘do before showing up at his door with an impatient toe tap. The two rushed over to Zoe’s office curious to learn of their latest assignment.When they arrived, Zoe informed them that the world’s most overexposed and under-talented celebuwhore would require a minimum of two looks to shoot her perfume commercial the following day. The competitive bitchery started brewing between the queens as soon as the Kardashian assignment was handed down from above. They rushed off to Bismarck to collect every red gown and Brian Atwood shoe in the showroom. Once at BPCM, Joey and Jeremiah bickered over their approaches to pulling items for the shoot. Joey stuck with Rachel’s mantra of “more is more,” and Jeremiah thought it wiser to streamline the selections. After the pull, J+J called Zoe, and she informed them that only one could attend the shoot tomorrow. It was no surprise when she selected her favorite sycophantic gay Joey to attend in lieu of Jeremiah. She sure has a way a pitting her staff against one another. It’s no wonder she goes through employees like she does her Cosabella thongs.
The next day at the shoot, Zoe kissed Kardashian’s gargantuan money-maker before dressing her in two of the most uncreative looks ever. First, Zoe put together a clichéd men’s button-down with boy shorts and a lace bra ensemble. Even though this interpretation has been around as long as the white button-down, Rachel described the outfit as if it were a work of creative genius, and as if she had copyrighted that shit. Rachel dressed Kardashian in an equally uninspired look for the second round of photos. Joey greased Kim and slid her into a red stretch satin Dolce & Gabbana gown. The obvious selection read more sausage casing than sexy. A body-con red gown for Valentine’s Day? This bitch gets paid for this unoriginal shit? What a weak-ass lazy effort yo.
GucciBallyBottega VenetaDolce & GabbanaJil SanderEmporio ArmaniTrussardiBurberry ProrsumLouis VuittonErmenegildo ZegnaBottega Veneta
Walter Van Beirendonck
BalmainMiharayasuhiroViktor & RolfDries van NotenDolce & GabbanaPorts 1961
KenzoIssey MiyakeJonathan SaundersGucci
Junya WatanabeJohn Galliano
The award for most improved goes to Jennifer Lawrence in Calvin Klein Collection. After a tragic run, bitch clearly got a stylist. Also Calvin Klein-clad was Gwyneth Paltrow. Many went crazy for this look, but the severe middle parted hair with the long narrow plunging neck evoked butt crack. GOOP wins for most over-rated, and that doesn’t just apply to her fashion choices.Two old ladies in Dior Couture: Nicole Kidman and Sharon Stone. Sharon served a little high-end Cruella DeVille with a good dress and bad hair. Marchesa’s minions, Halle and Hailee. This gown’s a little too young and try-hard on Halle. Hailee finally succumbed to the princess pressure after several chic and tailored moments this awards season. This awkward length doesn’t flatter her. Celine Dion and Reese Witherspoon werked Armani Privé, two of the strongest looks of the night. Anyone else suspicious why Reese looked a little too proud of herself all night. We all knew the Rodarte was coming. Portman loves Kate and Laura Mulleavy. After all the built-up expectation, this plum number was just okay. Some of that train should have been repurposed to fill out the front hemline. Also repping purple, Scarjo in Dolce & Gabbana taking the baton from Michelle Williams to finish the defiantly unattractive relay. Mila chose lilac Elie Saab and looked absolutely fantastic. She managed to balance sweet and sexy – arguably the best, except for that awful makeup.Another best dressed contender, the always impeccable and fashion-forward Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Couture. Hilary Swank also ventured into slightly new territory in Gucci. Swank’s softly sculpted eye makeup was undoubtedly some of the best cosmetic artistry of the night. Michelle Williams gave good glam with stunningly perfect hair and makeup. Three ladies arrived in gowns previously featured on Demeter Clarc: Amy Adams in L’Wren Scott, Giuliana Rancic in Christian Siriano, and Mandy Moore in Monique L’huillier. Remember, you saw it here first.Penelope, Jennifer Hudson (Versace), Anne Hathaway (archival Valentino), and Sandra Bullock (Vera Wang) opted for a range of carmine hues. The rosebuds were neither particularly interesting nor especially fug. These four surfed the crimson sea of mediocrity.Worst without needed elaboration: Marisa Tomei in vintage Charles James and Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer.
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