Tag Archives: Don’t

Fucking Flake / Uber Dick

BETTER PEOPLERecently, I worked with two people who possess selfish and annoying qualities.  The first one is a flake.  She wants to have meetings all the time.  In this group, it takes 15 back and forth emails to schedule a mutually-convenient time and place for everyone. Then she routinely cancels citing some dire (but in actuality not at all emergent) need to be with her kids.  She was almost an hour late to one of the three most important days of her job.  The reason?  She was so tired she just “crashed” the night before and then realized she had no gas on the way to work.  In my universe, neither are reasonable justifications for such serious lateness.  Her conduct is irresponsible, unprofessional, and annoying.   I don’t give a fuck about your kid’s pageant or any of that familial bullshit.  Spare me those sort of personal details in your excuse.  The reason you are bailing on a scheduled meeting has no bearing on the outcome of that decision – namely that now we all need to go through the tedious rescheduling process because of you – a meeting you insisted on in the first place. FLAKE

The other one is a new breed: an Uber Dick.  An Uber Dick is a person who wants to schedule all activities in close proximity to himself because he sold his car and now depends solely on Uber for transportation.  Don’t shift the burden of your transportation on to me, buddy.   This is the same dick who brags about the economy of going Uber.  Yeah Uber Dick, it’s a real money-saving strategy to use your Uber account to manipulate everyone into driving to you.UBER HATE

I Don’t Like Andy Cohen Anymore

ANDY COHEN DIARIESThe Andy Cohen Diaries: A Deep Look at a Shallow Year may be the laziest book I’ve ever read.  Once, I kinda liked Andy Cohen the way you like your annoying gay cousin.  After drudging through an absurdly tedious 352 pages of narcissistic drivel, now I know that I imbued more credit to Cohen than he rightfully deserves (though my expectations weren’t high for this book).  Cohen meagerly attempts Warholian observation, but the total lack of insight makes his diary read like a glorified to-do list.  A better title might have been The Andy Cohen Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shallow Queen.  Cohen name drops to the point of disorientation failing to provide the reader with even a last name or crumb of context.  Half the time I’m like who the fuck are you talking about, but I never bother to dig very deeply because it’s not even like there’s a morsel of noteworthy gossip to geek out on.  Cohen adopted a dog, Wacha, and like many first-time dog owners is obsessed with his canine to the point of co-dependency.  He had me considering dog adoption for a minute, but then I talked to this lovely woman who warned me she spent $12,000 on vet bills last year for her adopted golden lab.  Poop in the house and a drain on the savings account, no thanks; I’ll keep my clean carpets and compound interest.  Back to the scathing review.  Is there a Razzie equivalent for shitty books?  If so, I nominate The Andy Cohen Diaries for worst book of the year. ANDY COHEN MOWS

cunnilingLESS

OTTOMAN ORAL

Don’t kiss me twice and then dive for my clit.  There is a whole anatomical world worth exploring between both pairs of lips.

SHOWER ORALDon’t breathe through your mouth.  Your hot breath gusting on my pussy is distracting me from my orgasm.

ORAL EXPLORE

Don’t ignore the labias.CUNNILINGUS PERFORMUSSlow down.DROPPEDPut your hands somewhere useful. USEFUL HANDSDon’t get discouraged!  Keep practicing. BETTER