At the end of last year, a federal employee with the social security administration was formally reprimanded in a five page letter for excessive workplace flatulence.

Only a third of us produce methane-tinged toots.  Some research suggests it could be indicative of an imbalance.  Others believe it’s a genetic quirk.  I suspect methane production proves one’s darksidedness. The bloodstream picks up gas created in the intestines and carries it to the lungs where it is released in your hot breath.

The more sulfurish your diet, the stankier your butt breeze.  Meat and eggs, we are looking at you.

The change in atmospheric pressure experienced when flying causes intestinal bloating and a scientifically-proven need to rip ass – co-passengers be damned.

You guys juice?  I go back and forth.  I definitely feel more energized and hydrated after a good juice.  To clarify, when I say “juice,” I mean self-squeezed from my home juicer.  Juicing is an efficient way to include a variety of produce.  When done at home it can be relatively cost-effective.  Some claim juicing has profound health benefits.  I would like to believe that is true, but I’m not aware of anything more than anecdotal evidence to back this claim. Juicing has its drawbacks too.  When done at home, it’s annoyingly messy.  When done at juice bars, it’s annoyingly expensive.  Juicing requires work, preparation, and clean-up.  Just gathering and cleaning the fruit and veg can feel like a pretty daunting task.  I know some super hardcore everyday juicers.  I don’t have the devotion for all that, but occasionally getting some fresh juice in the system can do a body good.   By the way, you can juice a wide variety of fruits and vegetables and the taste can be rather bland.  Include ginger for spice and digestion, and add some lime without the peel for zest.

Fresh mint is super healthy and easy to grow.  Just cultivate the plant in a pot rather than in the garden since it is an invasive mutherfucker.Howza ’bout some mint tea?  Boiling water + shredded fresh mint leaves + sugar + lemon to taste.  Drink hot or cold.Need a little more social lubrication with your fresh mint beverage?  Mint Julep = mint + bourbon + sugar + water.Head a little further south with the delicious-if-tired mojito = white rum +  sugar cane juice + lime juice + sparkling water + fresh mint.  Even if it isn’t that stylish anymore, I never really tire of an excellent, well-balanced mojito. When enjoying cocktails, it’s top shelf only.  More often than not, I skip the booze.  Just don’t miss the mint.  I think I’ll make it my new signature.  Just sashay over to the mint pot and tear off a few sprigs for a fresh and tasty bev.  Chic.