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At the end of last year, a federal employee with the social security administration was formally reprimanded in a five page letter for excessive workplace flatulence.
Only a third of us produce methane-tinged toots. Some research suggests it could be indicative of an imbalance. Others believe it’s a genetic quirk. I suspect methane production proves one’s darksidedness. The bloodstream picks up gas created in the intestines and carries it to the lungs where it is released in your hot breath.
The more sulfurish your diet, the stankier your butt breeze. Meat and eggs, we are looking at you.
The change in atmospheric pressure experienced when flying causes intestinal bloating and a scientifically-proven need to rip ass – co-passengers be damned.
I know a little dove who swears by Traditional Medicinals Eater’s Digest to tame his tummy troubles. I asked him what he liked about the aperitif and he compared imbibing Eater’s Digest to savasana for your intestinal tract. These days a walk down the tea aisle feels like a visit to the pharmacy with all the ailments the brews promise to cure, but in this instance the tea lives up to its claims. Eater’s Digest, for when you heart someone who farts.
Macallan Scotch. Tasty. Not too personal, but still leaves a warm feeling in the gut. Passes the booze snob test. Generally speaking, the older the scotch, the pricier the bottle. A homemade apple pie is work intensive and that’s why it is a meaningful gift. Cookies, eh. Taking the time to peel apples and kneed dough demonstrates true love and generosity. Even though the ingredients aren’t expensive, I like that a pie is a substantial baked good gift that can feed a whole family.Pink Himalayan Sea Salt is high in trace minerals and is super pretty too. You can cook or serve on these Pink Himalayan Sea Salt blocks. A pink salt block is an original gift for culinary have-it-alls and surprisingly affordable. Ya’ll know I heart some paper, including these Fringe Studio stationery sets. Find them for half price at the high-end department store outlets. Cute quality cards please almost any lady (and inclined gent) from 8 to 80 years old.
You guys juice? I go back and forth. I definitely feel more energized and hydrated after a good juice. To clarify, when I say “juice,” I mean self-squeezed from my home juicer. Juicing is an efficient way to include a variety of produce. When done at home it can be relatively cost-effective. Some claim juicing has profound health benefits. I would like to believe that is true, but I’m not aware of anything more than anecdotal evidence to back this claim. Juicing has its drawbacks too. When done at home, it’s annoyingly messy. When done at juice bars, it’s annoyingly expensive. Juicing requires work, preparation, and clean-up. Just gathering and cleaning the fruit and veg can feel like a pretty daunting task. I know some super hardcore everyday juicers. I don’t have the devotion for all that, but occasionally getting some fresh juice in the system can do a body good. By the way, you can juice a wide variety of fruits and vegetables and the taste can be rather bland. Include ginger for spice and digestion, and add some lime without the peel for zest.
I was giving a friend a ride up to a yoga conference last week (Shiva Rea by the way), and he climbs in my car at 6:20 in the morning and says “I’m surprised you drink that poison,” in regard to my Diet Coke sitting in the console.
First of all, it is 6:20 in the goddamn morning and way too early for food shaming, especially when I’m going out of my way to pick your ass up and drive you 100 miles. Second of all, along with corn syrup, hydrogenated oil, and gluten, apparently a fatwa has officially been issued against aspartame.
For some time now, I’ve been taking heat for the diet soda. Look, I know fake sugar is a deal with the devil. There is no free lunch. Studies. Cancer. The information isn’t exactly a secret.But there is something particularly crackish about Diet Coke. She’s got her hooks in me good. I reduce, but like a bad affair, I just can’t completely quit my acidic, chemically liquid lover. It’s not like it’s news to any of you that I’m deeply flawed. This is just another daily example.Until the peer pressure and social stigma force me to quit that diet slut, all you kombucha and coconut water sipping bitches can relax with the side eye. Enough with the food shaming sanctimony, because very few, if any of us, eat perfectly everyday. Those rigid freaks who do make super boring dinner companions. Though I am starting to know how a meat eater feels at a table full of vegetarians. In certain circles, I need to cover my Diet Coke can with a brown paper bag and take it to the alley.
Fresh mint is super healthy and easy to grow. Just cultivate the plant in a pot rather than in the garden since it is an invasive mutherfucker.Howza ’bout some mint tea? Boiling water + shredded fresh mint leaves + sugar + lemon to taste. Drink hot or cold.Need a little more social lubrication with your fresh mint beverage? Mint Julep = mint + bourbon + sugar + water.Head a little further south with the delicious-if-tired mojito = white rum + sugar cane juice + lime juice + sparkling water + fresh mint. Even if it isn’t that stylish anymore, I never really tire of an excellent, well-balanced mojito. When enjoying cocktails, it’s top shelf only. More often than not, I skip the booze. Just don’t miss the mint. I think I’ll make it my new signature. Just sashay over to the mint pot and tear off a few sprigs for a fresh and tasty bev. Chic.
I’m currently beverage-obsessed with delicious fruit-laced variations of sparkling San Pellegrino.The tart Limonata is all you want from an effervescent sparkling lemonade – impressively piquant with a grown-up sour intensity. If lemon makes you pucker, try Aranciata, a delicious orangy-flavored delight introduced way back in the 1930′s.I’ve yet to experience the Pompelmo (grapefruit) or Aranciata Rossa (blood orange), but anticipate they are just as divine as their fruity cousins. Ounce for ounce San Pellegrino aint cheap, so you may want to hide these in the back of the fridge away from all your mooch friends. Also, at around 150 calories a serving, wise to pace yourself.
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