Tag Archives: driving

10 Annoying Things Tourists Do on Vacation…

Narrate everything.  Really, you have to pee, yeah bitch we are standing in the bathroom line.  I know.  I don’t give a fuck.  Hurry up and pee then.  I don’t need a narrative of your experience in the restroom.  Furthermore, I don’t need a description of the waterfall or the valley.  Just shut up and enjoy the moment in silence. …Act like they have never stepped foot in a grocery store.  I know the Wal-Mart ain’t all that different where you are from.  Stop wandering around mystified taking up the whole fucking aisle contemplating your frozen pizza choice.  G-sus.Let their kids go buck ass wild.  Look, I know everybody is on vacation here, but I will whoop your annoying kids’ asses.   They are not cute, and I do not give a fuck.Drive like assholes.  It’s one of two things: 1) either you think because you flew in yesterday you own the place and are somehow entitled to ignore traffic laws and common decency; or 2) you are so overwhelmed by the experience you do dumbass shit like come to a DEAD STOP in the middle of the highway to look at whales surfacing off shore.  The same rules apply to walking down the sidewalk: stick to the right lane bitch.  Smoke cigarettes everywhere.  Like almost every red blooded American teenager, I used to smoke.  Then I graduated.  Are you really still fucking smoking nasty-ass cigarettes?  Not a good look.  Just so you know, you look like ignorant fucking trash standing there with your pleated shorts and a Camel dangling from your wrinkly mouth.  You are in paradise.  Put the cigarettes away.

Lose their shit.  My travel companion loves to throw his shawl around in every new hotel room.  When it is time to pack up and go, it takes about a fucking month because his shit is everywhere.  I spent at least twenty minutes listening to some dopey Canadians fret about their misplaced passports.  We all occasionally lose shit, but if you pack light and keep your possessions close and organized, a lost item is a much less likely probability.Dress like dorks.  Seriously, if I see one more unironic Hawaiian shirt paired with unironic Hawaiian print shorts, I am going to chunder.  Some tourists dress like they are trekking Everest when they hardly plan to deviate from a paved path.  I understand comfort is king when traveling, but that is no excuse to look like shit.  Don’t forget to pack your style.  Chances are these outfits will be captured on film.Complain constantly.  On the way over to Hawaii, one of the most geographically isolated land masses in the entire world, the lady next to me was wigging out because the guy in the seat in front of her reclined his chair.  This grown-ass woman (in her sixties) fussed, pushed, and kicked this poor guy’s chair until he finally reluctantly returned his seatback to the upright position.  If you want to be a raging cunt about leg room then spring for first class bitch.  Regardless, I could give a fuck about listening to your spoiled, entitled, whining for an entire pan-oceanic flight.Ask stupid fucking questions.  One summer, I ran a gondola in the mountains and people asked me the dumbest fucking questions you could ever imagine.  “Where does this go?”  It goes to heaven, asshole.  You are in a new place, no one expects you to know everything, but there is this invention called the internet which makes basic information gathering rather simple.  Do your research to avoid looking like a complete fucking moron.Get fucking wasted.  I love to party and I can throw down, but I never ever get sloppy.  My first night on Kauai, three tequila-soaked dudes got so wasted they were sloshing all around the lobby in a herd of hot mess.  One walked right into a sign and smacked his head.  One got into a loud argument with the ATM (the ATM totally won).  The third loudly slurred at me from across the lobby, “Can you get online?”  Not only is this type of behavior pathetic and unattractive, you make a target of yourself for theft, robbery, rape or worse.  Don’t leave your dignity or common sense on the mainland.

5 things you should never ever do

fart in an elevator.

spend more than four consecutive nights at someone’s house without paying rent.

speed up to cut someone off.

break a promise.

fuck in your parents’ bed.

 

autoeroticism

Yesterday I was in a three car pile up on a major freeway because some ignorant uninsured bitch can’t merge.  No one was hurt, but the truck I’ve loyally driven for the last ten years is probably totaled.  When thinking about replacing my ride, I’m totally uninspired by the current options.  Even though I bought my last car new, this time around I’m going used because I just can’t stomach the depreciation.  There are a few different categories under consideration: prestige, environmental, or classic.  What to choose?

Prestige 

BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, Range Rover, since pre-owned is an option, why not splurge for a chic ride?  These cars tend to be safe and reliable, but when they do breakdown, repairs can be pricey.  Good thing I have a special relationship with an impeccable mechanic.  Another drawback?  Driving these cars can be the equivalent of carrying a logo bag – a little gauche and showy.

Environmental

I promised myself that the next time I purchased a car, environmental impact would be a major factor in the decision.  I can’t with the Prius.  I just can’t.  There is a Lexus Hybrid that looks interesting, so maybe I can combine prestige + fuel efficiency into one purchase.  There are some obvious advantages to this route.  Low inventory is the main challenge with a general lack of available, desirable vehicles in the pre-owned market.  Even the used ones are pricey, but at least they retain value.  The fuel savings are also no fucking joke and offset some of the initial sticker shock.  I’d love an electric, but they are even more rare.

Classic

Every time I see a cherried out classic car, I think to myself how fucking sweet and styley it would be to roll in one.  Nothing grabs more attention than a mint condition vintage ride.  Sexy cars generate aesthetic goodwill, and after the dust up I just had, I need some good automotive karma.  The disadvantage to oldies is they require constant tinkering and maintenance.  My ass doesn’t like to get stranded on the side of the road like a truckstop hooker, so reliability does matter.  The eternal question: style over substance?  Another downside?  Unlike prestige + fuel efficient, classic + fuel efficient is a mutually exclusive combination, and therefore going with a restored Bronco is like giving mother Earth the middle finger.

Thoughts?  Do you love your car?  Tell me everything.