…Narrate everything. Really, you have to pee, yeah bitch we are standing in the bathroom line. I know. I don’t give a fuck. Hurry up and pee then. I don’t need a narrative of your experience in the restroom. Furthermore, I don’t need a description of the waterfall or the valley. Just shut up and enjoy the moment in silence. …Act like they have never stepped foot in a grocery store. I know the Wal-Mart ain’t all that different where you are from. Stop wandering around mystified taking up the whole fucking aisle contemplating your frozen pizza choice. G-sus.…Let their kids go buck ass wild. Look, I know everybody is on vacation here, but I will whoop your annoying kids’ asses. They are not cute, and I do not give a fuck.…Drive like assholes. It’s one of two things: 1) either you think because you flew in yesterday you own the place and are somehow entitled to ignore traffic laws and common decency; or 2) you are so overwhelmed by the experience you do dumbass shit like come to a DEAD STOP in the middle of the highway to look at whales surfacing off shore. The same rules apply to walking down the sidewalk: stick to the right lane bitch. …Smoke cigarettes everywhere. Like almost every red blooded American teenager, I used to smoke. Then I graduated. Are you really still fucking smoking nasty-ass cigarettes? Not a good look. Just so you know, you look like ignorant fucking trash standing there with your pleated shorts and a Camel dangling from your wrinkly mouth. You are in paradise. Put the cigarettes away.
…Lose their shit. My travel companion loves to throw his shawl around in every new hotel room. When it is time to pack up and go, it takes about a fucking month because his shit is everywhere. I spent at least twenty minutes listening to some dopey Canadians fret about their misplaced passports. We all occasionally lose shit, but if you pack light and keep your possessions close and organized, a lost item is a much less likely probability.…Dress like dorks. Seriously, if I see one more unironic Hawaiian shirt paired with unironic Hawaiian print shorts, I am going to chunder. Some tourists dress like they are trekking Everest when they hardly plan to deviate from a paved path. I understand comfort is king when traveling, but that is no excuse to look like shit. Don’t forget to pack your style. Chances are these outfits will be captured on film.…Complain constantly. On the way over to Hawaii, one of the most geographically isolated land masses in the entire world, the lady next to me was wigging out because the guy in the seat in front of her reclined his chair. This grown-ass woman (in her sixties) fussed, pushed, and kicked this poor guy’s chair until he finally reluctantly returned his seatback to the upright position. If you want to be a raging cunt about leg room then spring for first class bitch. Regardless, I could give a fuck about listening to your spoiled, entitled, whining for an entire pan-oceanic flight.…Ask stupid fucking questions. One summer, I ran a gondola in the mountains and people asked me the dumbest fucking questions you could ever imagine. “Where does this go?” It goes to heaven, asshole. You are in a new place, no one expects you to know everything, but there is this invention called the internet which makes basic information gathering rather simple. Do your research to avoid looking like a complete fucking moron.…Get fucking wasted. I love to party and I can throw down, but I never ever get sloppy. My first night on Kauai, three tequila-soaked dudes got so wasted they were sloshing all around the lobby in a herd of hot mess. One walked right into a sign and smacked his head. One got into a loud argument with the ATM (the ATM totally won). The third loudly slurred at me from across the lobby, “Can you get online?” Not only is this type of behavior pathetic and unattractive, you make a target of yourself for theft, robbery, rape or worse. Don’t leave your dignity or common sense on the mainland.