…A brand new jumbo box of Crayola crayons. They come in an expanded package of 96 now! So soft and luscious, and as an adult you won’t have to share with any of them bogarting little kindergarten bitches. You’ve had the Peach for a half an hour and and you’ve worn it to a nub. Geez, I hated children even more when I was a child. …Tantrums. I was at IKEA today marveling at the kids under three maintaining in that soul-suck. I was ready to throw a tantrum after fifteen minutes of that overstimulating warehell. …Macaroni & cheese and/or grilled cheese. I don’t need to add truffles or any of that fancy shit to justify it either. I’ll take onion and tomato on the grilled cheese and a side of onion rings if anyone is taking orders.…Nitrous. I was at the dentist last week and he asked me if I wanted nitrous. I looked at him like he was crazy, “Doc who doesn’t want nitrous?” Pass the mask and crank it up. Give ‘em a sob story about your dental phobia and they tend to get extra generous with the dial.