Tag Archives: Drunk Girls

Enough with the Bucket List

BERRY PICKER VAILI spent the weekend in Vail with some friends.  For the most part, we had a super fun time hiking, eating, drinking, puffing, and flirting with the Tough Mudder graduates.  TOUGH MUDDERIt was a chatty group.  One member of the gang in particular was hooked on the phrase “bucket list.”  Whenever we saw or discussed anything half-way interesting she dorkily declared, “That’s on my bucket list!”  THE BUCKET LISTEach time she repeated the overused cliché I wanted to burst into flames.  First, that geriatric-flavored movie came out nearly 7 years ago.  Second, what is the compulsive need to reference death?  Death is really a downer on girls weekend.  Third, when you say you want to do something, it automatically implies you want to do it before you die.  Presumably we can only do things when we are alive, right?  So do we need to constantly explicate that we want to do things before we die?  Obviously, you want to do whatever it is before you die or you wouldn’t be able to do it, so save me the trite tautology.  FUCKET LISTBecause it is a stupid bummer of an expression, can we please collectively agree to a moratorium on the bucket listBUCKET LIST FOR UNDERACHIEVERS

Demeter Clarc Manners Moment: Forbidden Friday

So no matter what happens this weekend, we are absolutely forbidden from partaking in the following behaviors.

Childish Alcoholic Douchebaggery.

No belly shots, keg stands, quarters, beruit, or other drinking games spawned from the land of Kappa Kappa Kunts.  Trust me – you’ve graduated.

Enjoy no more than 5 cocktails, and if any one of you makes that Mercy-laced cocktail recipe courtesy of GOOP then I will issue an official fatwa on your ass.  Take that shit to Gwyneth’s townhouse.  Wanna cure your hangover?  Set aside a fat rail from your eight ball and reserve it for breakfast.  Problem solved.  Put that in your newsletter Mizz Martin.

Mopping up the Dregs.

No matter how desperate, horny, or lonely, avoid finding a fuck partner the last twenty minutes the bar is open.  When has a truly satisfying sexual experience come from sorting through the dregs at last call?  Better question, how many of these encounters require a side order of Valtrex with the following morning’s Mimosa brunch.  Don’t kick off 2012 with a trip to the free clinic.

Including the drama couple.

Most of us are friends with at least one couple that can’t make it through an entire evening without getting into some loud dramatic stunt queen shit that sours the fun for everyone.  Avoid those assholes this weekend.

Drinking and Driving

DUI’s are so 2007 and so inexcusable.  For those dumbasses thinking of riding home on their bikes drunk (FYI, you can still get a DUI on a bike), did I ever tell you about that night I spent in the hospital with my friend Oskar after he cracked his head open drunk biking home from the bars one night?  Fun story.

Bitch & Complain

Nothing sucks up fun like a whiny bitch.  I’ll sum this up with one of my favorite quotes (which has been attributed to several different people including: Katharine Hepburn, Wallis Simpson, Henry Ford II, Benjamin Disraeli, and John Wayne, but who knows where it originated?)

Never Complain.  Never Explain.

PARTY NYE

Venturing out for a gathering tonight?  Remember these simple tips to keep your dignity intact this New Year’s Eve.Have a strategy for getting home or arrange a place to crash before you go out.  The last thing you want to be doing at 2:18 a.m. New Year’s Day is trying to find a cab or foolishly trusting a drunk-ass friend to drive you.  Lazy, opportunistic cops love New Year’s Eve.  The last place you want to spend the night is the drunk tank in county lockup, Trust.  Plan ahead bitches.  For the record, hoping for a one night hook-up does not constitute a legit plan.Please resist the temptation to dress like a disco ball and call it “festive.”  Tonight, expect to see a hot mess of metallic wherever you go.  Buck the obvious choice, and you’ll stand out against a sea of tired frocks.  If you already have a sparkler lined up, it better be the best shit ever.  Seriously, ill-fitting metallic looks so budget.  Regardless, wear a damn coat.  Shivering is not chic.If someone hands you a bong or a joint, puff-puff-pass.  No sleeping in the grass.  If you stumble into a room where people are doing blow, don’t inquire loudly, “Is that coke!?”  Clean up after yourself.  Don’t pee on the seat.  Share your drugs.  Take one before you take two.  If you are rolling, maintain your composure.  Nobody wants your emotional ebarf all over them.  Stay away from pharmaceuticals.  Drink water.  Eat dinner.  Sometimes puking is the best solution.  Keep a level-headed bitch in your crew.

Never be the first to arrive or the last to leave.  Don’t flirt with someone else’s date.  Absolutely no catfighting, crying, or public relationship drama allowed.  Bring cash.  Nudity will surely end up on the internet.  Keep your clothes on.Most of all loves, thanks for your visit.  Wishing you the most phenomenal and blessed year of your life.  Smooches, DC

LCD SOUNDSYSTEM: This is Happening

So everyone has a big boner over the new LCD Soundsystem album This is Happening, but my dick’s only half hard.

Murphy channels a Disintegration-era Robert Smith with a little Morrissey thrown in for controversy.  LCD makes a sharp left down New Wave lane on Drunk Girls and I Can Change conjures Erasure.  That’s not to say the record doesn’t feel new, it does. This is Happening passes as a decent dance party but definitely not a club-banger, and perhaps a little unworthy of all the hyperbolic praise.  If you like New Order or Hot Chip, you’ll probably like this too.