Tag Archives: drunk

Skills for Life: teenagers lie

TEENAGE KISSAs you know, I’m not a parent.  I don’t even have a pet.  My cayenne pepper plant is the closest thing to a being that depends on me, and it could probably survive on my porch for some time without intervention.  Even though I’m not a parent, I was a teenager.  And to quote Wendy Williams, I was a teenager who was “up to thangs.”  Drugs. Fighting. Musicians. Protests. Shows. Parties. Mischief. Jail.  Because of these experiences, I know when others are up to thangs.TRAFFIC BATHROOM FREEBASEI have a friend.  Well-educated and hard-working, she’s done exceptionally well for herself.  With no children of her own, she treats her family generously.  Years back, she promised her niece that if she met certain stipulations, my friend would take her to Europe for high school graduation.  Recently, the niece graduated.  True to her word, my friend planned a lovely trip overseas for the two of them.A ROOM WITH A VIEWTwo days after gradation and less than a week before their planned departure date, niece split her car between two trees driving drunk.  Thankfully, niece walked away unscathed as did her two passengers.  The collision destroyed the car.  One passenger fled on foot.  One stayed behind.  Niece called her parents.  Her parents awoke to the middle of the night call – a nightmare.  The concerned couple leapt from slumber to fetch a nearly-passed-out-drunk niece from a nearby location.BTW TREESThe family returned to the scene of the wreck.  When the tow truck was called to retrieve the crunched car, the tow truck driver informed the parents that he was obligated to notify the police because the property damage exceeded $1000.  While her parents are cleaning up her mess, niece is passed out drunk in the back seat of their car.LOHAN PASS OUTCops show up.  Dad says he’s the one that was driving.  Dad receives citation for reckless driving.  As a result, teenage drunk driving niece endures zero consequences for her extraordinarily reckless actions.  The next day, niece plays innocent and convinces naive parents that this is the first time she has ever driven drunk.  She appears contrite.  They allow her to go to Europe anyway.90210 IN PARISI think this response is total bullshit.  Not on my friend’s part.  She’s an innocent bystander in this situation just following through on her promise, and I admire her for that.  I’m looking at the parents in judgement.  Parents never want to believe the worst or the truth regarding their child (too often one in the same).  “The other kid was the ringleader… My kid was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”  I can’t with the excuses.  Your kid is a fucker.  I know this because I was a fucker.  I was up to thangs, and I relentlessly and pathologically lied to cover my ass.  Lying is what teenagers do.  Don’t take it personally.  Deception is a developmental stage.  Just don’t be gullible enough to believe the little liars – or worse reward them for their dishonorable behavior with a European vacation.BAD EGG

 

10 Annoying Things Tourists Do on Vacation…

Narrate everything.  Really, you have to pee, yeah bitch we are standing in the bathroom line.  I know.  I don’t give a fuck.  Hurry up and pee then.  I don’t need a narrative of your experience in the restroom.  Furthermore, I don’t need a description of the waterfall or the valley.  Just shut up and enjoy the moment in silence. …Act like they have never stepped foot in a grocery store.  I know the Wal-Mart ain’t all that different where you are from.  Stop wandering around mystified taking up the whole fucking aisle contemplating your frozen pizza choice.  G-sus.Let their kids go buck ass wild.  Look, I know everybody is on vacation here, but I will whoop your annoying kids’ asses.   They are not cute, and I do not give a fuck.Drive like assholes.  It’s one of two things: 1) either you think because you flew in yesterday you own the place and are somehow entitled to ignore traffic laws and common decency; or 2) you are so overwhelmed by the experience you do dumbass shit like come to a DEAD STOP in the middle of the highway to look at whales surfacing off shore.  The same rules apply to walking down the sidewalk: stick to the right lane bitch.  Smoke cigarettes everywhere.  Like almost every red blooded American teenager, I used to smoke.  Then I graduated.  Are you really still fucking smoking nasty-ass cigarettes?  Not a good look.  Just so you know, you look like ignorant fucking trash standing there with your pleated shorts and a Camel dangling from your wrinkly mouth.  You are in paradise.  Put the cigarettes away.

Lose their shit.  My travel companion loves to throw his shawl around in every new hotel room.  When it is time to pack up and go, it takes about a fucking month because his shit is everywhere.  I spent at least twenty minutes listening to some dopey Canadians fret about their misplaced passports.  We all occasionally lose shit, but if you pack light and keep your possessions close and organized, a lost item is a much less likely probability.Dress like dorks.  Seriously, if I see one more unironic Hawaiian shirt paired with unironic Hawaiian print shorts, I am going to chunder.  Some tourists dress like they are trekking Everest when they hardly plan to deviate from a paved path.  I understand comfort is king when traveling, but that is no excuse to look like shit.  Don’t forget to pack your style.  Chances are these outfits will be captured on film.Complain constantly.  On the way over to Hawaii, one of the most geographically isolated land masses in the entire world, the lady next to me was wigging out because the guy in the seat in front of her reclined his chair.  This grown-ass woman (in her sixties) fussed, pushed, and kicked this poor guy’s chair until he finally reluctantly returned his seatback to the upright position.  If you want to be a raging cunt about leg room then spring for first class bitch.  Regardless, I could give a fuck about listening to your spoiled, entitled, whining for an entire pan-oceanic flight.Ask stupid fucking questions.  One summer, I ran a gondola in the mountains and people asked me the dumbest fucking questions you could ever imagine.  “Where does this go?”  It goes to heaven, asshole.  You are in a new place, no one expects you to know everything, but there is this invention called the internet which makes basic information gathering rather simple.  Do your research to avoid looking like a complete fucking moron.Get fucking wasted.  I love to party and I can throw down, but I never ever get sloppy.  My first night on Kauai, three tequila-soaked dudes got so wasted they were sloshing all around the lobby in a herd of hot mess.  One walked right into a sign and smacked his head.  One got into a loud argument with the ATM (the ATM totally won).  The third loudly slurred at me from across the lobby, “Can you get online?”  Not only is this type of behavior pathetic and unattractive, you make a target of yourself for theft, robbery, rape or worse.  Don’t leave your dignity or common sense on the mainland.